Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

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  • Sharing your dating disclaimer

    My friend George, a long-time dater and avowed bachelor until he met his soulmate 18 months ago, had a printed dating disclaimer. He says he made women read it before he slept with them. He says, “I know it’s bizarre, but I wanted them to know what they were in for.”

    What was in his disclaimer? Here’s what it said:

    As we take another step forward…

    To avoid any possibility of you feeling misled in the future, I want to offer some “full disclosure” on several points. You may well think this is way premature, and I agree. I just want you to know up front what’s up with me. If you find something below that you don’t like about me, you can bail right now. I’m completely open to talking about anything. If you have questions, ask away. I have no sensitive areas.

    Shopping

    CostcoMy very favorite store is Costco and I go there frequently. I’m not likely to ever become a Nordstrom repeat customer. Most of what I wear and eat comes from Costco. If the chic “Kirkland” brand turns you off, well, you should know I’m not likely to stop shopping there, and that I even get a little thrill each time I even drive past a Costco.

    Age

    I told you that I have 99% integrity and that I would always let you know if I were in the 1% zone. Well, I’m 53, not 49 as I showed in my profile. It may well make a difference to you that I’m “in my fifties” or that I did tell this one lie. If so, I completely understand. The fact is that there’s quite a stigma attached to being “in your fifties.” I don’t feel 50, I don’t act 50, people say I don’t look 50, but I am “in my fifties.” There’s absolutely not one single other fact or statement that has come up during our “getting acquainted” process that is untrue. Nor will there be.

    Children

    In case there is any lingering possible remote teeny thought in your mind that you’d like to be with a man who might start a family with you some time in the distant future, you should know that I’ve had a vasectomy. It’s certainly not that I thought you might be trying to trick me into fathering a child. It’s just that I know some women have secret lingering maternal urges and I don’t want you to waste any time with me if that’s something you would like in your future.

    Marriage Prospects

    If your true aim is to find a man who will court you, propose to you, and then marry you, I’m probably not a good bet. I look upon life as a series of fascinating adventures. I’ve had great relationships in the past with spectacular friends and lovers.

    Sometimes relationships with girlfriends have gone sour when it becomes clear that I’m not really looking for a marriage partner or life-mate. I don’t rule out that possibility forever, and at the same time I just don’t see it in my medium-term future.

    Money

    I like friends and lovers to have some mutual financial involvement in their relationships. I’m not one of those “old fashioned guys” who would be insulted if you picked up the tab for coffee now and then. I have no financial shortage, and it’s not the amount involved that matters to me. If we go out for some lavish feast and I pay, and later you buy an iced tea, I consider that “even.” I don’t ever need for you to “keep up” with me in dollar terms. You should know, though, that I don’t like it when I buy everything. Just pay for coffee now and then and I’m happy. I don’t like feeling that I’m on a one-way street.

    Religion

    I’m an agnostic. Various people have different interpretations of what that means. Webster’s my authority: a person who holds the view that any ultimate reality (as God) is unknown and prob. unknowable; broadly: one who is not committed to believing in either the existence or the nonexistence of God or a god.

    That’s exactly how I see things. The “spiritual” interpretation I have of the world is abhorrent to many with conventional religious views. It would be intellectually arrogant of me to insist that my view is right, and that Catholics or Muslims or anybody else is wrong. I don’t know about God, and I don’t think anybody does or can know. Generally speaking, scientific, rational, Darwinian theorems always carry the most weight with me.

    Monogamy

    In my whole life, I have never been unfaithful to a girlfriend or wife. During this odd online dating process, I imagine that both of us will be meeting a variety of people. One thing I will not ever do is put you in a situation where your health is at any risk. Oh, by the way, I’m in perfect health in every respect including sexual health. In the last year, I’ve had intercourse with two girlfriends, and have had a complete blood test prior to being that intimate, and insisted that my lover did, too. I’m ultra cautious about my health.

    Sensuality

    Should it happen that we eventually become intimate, you should know that I’m not one of those Neanderthal caveman types who just wants to grunt and screw (sorry). I care more about touching, caressing, tasting, kissing, and laughing. I was a hippie type guy in the 1970s and have lingering tendencies. Nudity and the beautiful human body don’t bother me in the least. I’ve had a girlfriend with a mastectomy, one with secret piercings, and so on. I’m not scared of that stuff. And I like giving massages as much as receiving.

    Openness

    Just about nothing embarrasses me or makes me want to change the topic. You can ask me anything and I’ll give you a completely candid answer. Or, I’ll tell you that my answer isn’t truthful, like the age deal. Ask what you want to know. I didn’t write this to avoid talking to you about these things, but to stimulate talking about them. I want to be sure you’re fully informed about me.

    So, what should I know about you along these lines?

    What do you think? How would you feel receiving this? And if you were to create a disclaimer/disclosure, what would you put in it?

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  • My Greg Behrendt Show episode airs this Friday

    On Aug. 30 I told you I taped an episode of the Greg Behrendt TV show. It is showing this Friday. (See my post-taping comments at My experience being on the “Greg Behrendt Show”.) You’ll get to see me in the flesh (well, on the screen). I asked my question to the panel about 3/4 the way through the show. Don’t go to the bathroom or you’ll miss me!

    Go to “Station Search” and click on your state to see what station the show’s on. (It’s on Fox in my area.) Mostly the show airs in the daytime, so you may have to TiVo it.

    Here’s the description:

    Greg’s Guide to New Sex Etiquette

    What percentage of the audience ‘fesses up to first-date sex? What does Greg call “the #1 killer of relationships”? Whether you’re a battle-scarred veteran or just diving into the shark-infested dating pool, you’ve gotta watch today’s hour. Tune in and take part in a candid conversation about modern romance with the co-host of HBO’s “SexMichelle and James Lesure Inspectors” (Michael Alvear), actors James Lesure (“Las Vegas”) and Brody Hutzler (“Days of Our Lives”), and TV personalities Jess Zaino and Michelle Merkin. From booty calls to “faking it,” get informed before you go out.

    While the “celebrities” weren’t very well known (other than perhaps James Lesure), they are somewhat amusing, as are some of the other “pop up” guests. (Michelle and James are in the pic above.)

    Click here to view my little part.

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  • Trust your instincts

    RobotHave you ever found yourself in a situation because you didn’t follow your instincts? Your gut is saying “Danger Will Robinson” but you ignore the flashing red lights.

    I never thought I’d have to remind myself of this sage old advice: “If something doesn’t feel right, get out of the situation — now.” I am a confident, assertive, strong woman. I am clear (or so I think) on what I want and don’t want. Yet, in two years of dating, I’ve been surprised how this image of myself has been tested. I’ve ignored my instincts and sometimes allowed myself to be enticed into things I wouldn’t have thought.

    Once in a great while I’ve been with a man, who, when I’ve said “no,” will say something like “Five more minutes,” “Then let’s just kiss/cuddle,” or “C’mon, I’ll behave.” Then he proceeds as if I’d said nothing. Now I’ve learned not to give in to pleas, no matter how good what we’re doing feels. It can lead to doing what you don’t want to do.

    Saying “no” is hard for many women, as we are typically socialized to be agreeable, sometimes to our detriment. Even “strong” women can be seduced by smooth talking and cajoling. If we like the guy, we don’t want to send him packing. But if he doesn’t listen to and heed what you want, he’s not for you, so he should be sent on his way. If he doesn’t honor your boundaries, how would he ever respect your desires in other parts of your potential life together?

    You might say “At some level, you want to be doing what you’re doing unless he is physically forcing you. As long as you can stop it and you don’t, you must want to keep going.”

    You might also say, “You are sending mixed messages by saying ‘no’ then giving in to his requests. No wonder he doesn’t believe your ‘no.’” Mixed messages are never good.

    So now I watch what happens when I say “no.” If he honors it, I know he respects me. If he doesn’t, he’s putting his own needs ahead of mine. That’s not a match. So if he doesn’t respond to your “no” the first time, get yourself out of the situation — and the relationship.

    Your instincts are telling you what is really right for you. Ignore them at your peril.

  • “You are just too much work”

    Sometimes a guy says something that stings but it shifts your perspective so it ends up for the better.

    We’d been seeing each other a few weeks. I enjoyed his company. Smart, funny and affectionate, he made me laugh like no one else. I thought it was going well. Then, over cocktails, he told me he didn’t see us together long term. When I asked why, he uttered “You are just too much work.” Shocked and hurt, I didn’t really understand what he meant.

    You see, I consider myself a medium-maintenance woman. I’m not demanding about much. I’m not so low maintenance that a guy can just pop into my life when he wants and expect to pick up where we left off. But I also don’t demand extravagant gifts, dinners, and 100% attention.

    So when he said I was a lot of work, I asked what he meant. He said “When I come home, I’m beat. I want a beer, a good meal, then watch the tube. You require conversation. And not just ‘How was your day?’ or ‘Can you pick up the dry cleaning?’ But real conversation that makes me think. I’m too tired at the end of the day to think like that. I just want to zone out.”

    While it stung that he thought I was a lot of work, he was right in that I do require a thinking man — someone who wants to participate in meaningful dialog. I wouldn’t be happy with a “zoner” — someone who doesn’t care about engaging in anything beyond trite conversation. Nor would I be happy with someone who couch potatoes every night in front of the TV, even if he’s watching PBS or the Discovery Channel.

    What about you? Are you “a lot of work?” Are you low-, medium- or high-maintenance? And what, exactly, do each of those mean to you?

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  • Cell phone can disconnect a date

    I’m dismayed that I even have to write this post. After all, I date midlife (37-64 year-old), successful, educated men. You would think they’d have enough common sense and common courtesy to know what to do — and not do — with their cell phones on a date. But some apparently don’t, as I’ve been tempted to educate them with the following. So if the guy you’re dating (or dated) has had cell phone lapses, send him this and tell him he needs to shape (and hang) up. Or if you see some of your own habits listed here, take heed.

    • Razr phoneIf you are expecting an important call, tell me as soon as you greet me. I’m much more charitable than if I don’t know and the call comes in while I’m in the middle of telling you a great story. If you are an on-call doctor, or lawyer (or defendant) whose jury is due to reconvene, or have a family member in surgery, just let me know. Communication is everything.
    • Put your phone on vibrate if you’re expecting that important call. Loud rings are irritating when you’re in conversation. (Do I have to mention to turn off the ringer in the movie, concert or play? I hope not!)
    • If you get that important call, take it outside. When you see it’s the person more important than me, excuse yourself and step outside. Don’t be rude and take it at the table — it not only annoys me, it annoys others around us.
    • headsetTake off the damn wireless earpiece. Do you think you look important and cool with it on? No, you look like an idiot when there’s no one on the line. You are not Captain Kirk. You say you “forgot” you were wearing it? Right. Take it off when you get out of the car.
    • Do not — repeat DO NOT — keep checking your phone for messages. It looks like you’d rather be talking to your friends than to me.
    • Unless you have told me you’re expecting that important call, put away the phone. If it vibrates on the table, we both know a call is coming in. It is a barrier between us.
    • If you need to check for messages, do it discreetly. The phone should be in your pocket, so excuse yourself to the men’s room. If you need to place a call, do that out of my ear shot and eye sight.
    • TreoIf you must take the call in my presence, make it as quick as possible. Saying to the caller “No, I’m not doing anything important,” or “So, what’s new with you?” lets me know where your priorities lie. Don’t expect a kiss, invitation to come to my place, or another date.

    Have you experienced cell-phone abuse on a date? What can you add to this list?

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  • “POP!: Stand Out in Any Crowd” makes you outstanding in the dating scene

    Sam HornMy friend, bestselling author Sam Horn, has a new book out, POP!: Stand Out in Any Crowd. At first glance, you’d think POP! is strictly a business book and says nothing of value for daters. However, that’s not the case. There’s a lot in the book you can apply to dating.

    Over brunch a few days ago (where we serendipitously were served POPovers), we brainstormed a common question she’s been asked at her book promotion radio and TV interviews. The question is how can a dater use POP! principles to be captivating within seconds. We applied the basic POP! concepts to a first encounter, say you want to meet someone at a bar.

    POP!P: Purposeful — Think about how you want to be received, what response you want from your opening comment. You want a pleasant conversation, not someone blowing you off. You want to seem intelligent, thoughtful and fun.

    O: Original — Your comment needs to not sound like a line. So “You’re hot,” Come here often?” “Great band,” or “What’s your sign?” are out. You might have to hover near your target to pick up on something he’s saying to a pal, or notice an unusual ring to comment on. You need to show your uniqueness by saying something uncommon.

    P: Pithy — It needs to be short and to the point. Don’t give your resume, or how attractive you think he is, or how long you’ve been admiring him across the room. He’ll zone out, even if it’s about him.

    So what are some POP! lines? There are no rote ones to memorize. You have to be present, noticing things around the room and your target person. Just be sincere, make eye contact, stand up straight (so your confidence shows and he won’t see your knees shaking), and say it with a smile.

    Tell me how your POP! lines work out. (BTW, when you try the POP! method, it doesn’t make you a POP! tart.)

    And order Sam’s book (just click on the title above). It is one of the best investments you’ll make this year and will help you in your business as well as personal life. To see if she is speaking or doing a book signing in your area soon, click on her name above.

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  • Clues a guy is just looking for a booty call

    Male CallI have a new friend, the writer of “Male Call,” a syndicated newspaper columnist on “Advice From a Guy.” I asked him a question I thought might interest you. We had this exchange:

    DG: What are signs a guy is just looking for a booty call on the first date?

    MC: Wait a sec — who says guys are angling for anything more than a soul-stirring, earnest conversation about their feelings on the very first date?

    Just kidding. We want to talk about your feelings, too.

    No, but seriously. There are indeed a few things to watch for. One is excessive touching. Remember, it’s the first date — shoulder rubs and thigh squeezes are for later in the process — maybe the second date. An offhand, seemingly absentminded brush of her forearm as you’re making a point about thermonuclear dynamics is fine. We encourage it, even; it’s a subtle sign that you’re interested. (But on second thought, leave out the thermonuclear part.)

    DG: This is good. I’ve had that thigh squeezing you reference. Also, French kissing within minutes of meeting me, and “accidental” brushes of my breast. I’ve been tempted to ask “Do I have SLUT tattooed on my forehead?” I’ve even had guys tell me what positions they envision us in before the night ends. Yuck!

    Any other clues, oh wise MC?

    MC: You’ve touched on another one: he continually steers the conversation toward something sexual, or at least suggestive. You: “So, have you seen any good movies lately? I loved Little Miss Sunshine.” Him: “Yes, I have! It reminded me of one of my favorite movies, Thong Party III. You know, I happen to have a copy at home. I live just around the corner.” Bonus warning tip: He picks a place to meet that happens to be very near his bachelor pad.

    DG: You are so right, again! I had a guy suggest we go back to his place within minutes of meeting me. And I’m not showing up in cleavage-revealing, tight, short slutware or being provocative. I’d like to think I just have this mojo thing going, but I know it’s really more about his having a horny thing going.

    Thanks, MC. I guess I know more about this than I thought! But always good to hear it directly from a guy.

    (If you don’t get Male Call in your local newspaper, you can subscribe via RSS or read it online by clicking on the link.)

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  • Yummy is as yummy does

    When my friends ask if a particular man I’m seeing is handsome, I commonly respond, “If I saw him from across the room, I wouldn’t say ‘Who’s that yummy guy?’ But the more I’m with him, the yummier he gets.”

    George ClooneyMen seem to become cuter as their personalities emerge. A man who isn’t George Clooney handsome can be irresistible because of his humor, insights, introspection, boldness, thoughtfulness, intelligence, smile, presence and self-confidence. In fact, some of the sexiest and most attractive men I’ve known wouldn’t be considered handsome if you just saw their pictures. But within minutes of being with them, they’ve won you to their side.

    And somehow men who are attracted to you and treat you like a queen grow more appealing. Some guys know this, especially if they aren’t particularly good looking. If women don’t naturally flirt with him, a smart man makes himself alluring by consciously treating a woman so she feels special, appreciated and sexy — as long as he’s not slimy about it.

    So even if a man isn’t initially tantalizing, give him a chance to improve his yummy-quotient. You may just find a wonderful gentleman hiding under an ordinary exterior — and you’ll end up besotted nonetheless.

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    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • Treasure found

    One of the joys I’ve experienced with online dating is discovering amazing men. I wrote about this in “Dating as networking.”

    A year ago, I received a well-written email from an intelligent, engaging, articulate, educated, feisty, 64-year-old man. He was older than I prefer, lives 3000 miles away, and had no picture posted. However, his well-crafted note prompted me to send an expanded version of my “Thanks, but you live too far away” email. He responded that he was moving to my area soon, would be here in a few weeks and, if I allowed, would love to meet me. We talked by phone several times before his visit. His charming, witty, engaging, playful manner enticed me to accept his invitation.

    In the weeks between that first email and our dinner date, I learned he was the first black man to attend a well-known Southern college in the early ’60s. The discrimination he endured and how he dealt with it was so intriguing, the 1995 book The Stem of Jesse. The Costs of Community at a 1960s Southern School was written about him and his experience.

    This Monday he was featured in two articles in the Macon Telegraph. He is one of my treasures. Although he ended up not moving to my area, we stay in contact through monthly calls and have created a great friendship. If I had just blown him off, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to have this amazing man in my life.

  • A man to go with my wardrobe

    Our lifestyle is often reflected by the clothing we’re most comfortable in, which often represents the activities we enjoy. Most of us have a range of clothing from sweats to business attire to formal apparel.

    We know how important first impressions are. While successful people would never show up for a job interview inappropriately dressed, I’ve been surprised how many men show up for a first date giving apparently no thought to how they want to be perceived.

    When I first started dating, I realized I didn’t have “dateware” — casual clothing in which I felt attractive and current. I had abundant business clothes, very casual duds and some formal attire. Shopping for dateware helped me reinvent how I wanted to represent myself on dates.

    Most of my dates wear basic collared shirts and Dockers or jeans. Occasionally a guy will wear a sports jacket. But rarely do they wear clothes that stand out as classy.

    black man nice dressSo imagine my delight to start dating a man who prides himself on dressing nicely. I call him my “GQ” guy — he’s not pretentious, but wears ironed silk shirts with gabardine slacks to the movies and dinner. Even with jeans, he wears a crisp golf shirt. I enjoy going out with him for many reasons, one of which is that I can wear my nicer garb and not feel I’m overdressed.

    silk shirtI think dressing nicely not only shows respect for yourself, but for the other person. Just as most of us wouldn’t go to church in shorts and a t-shirt out of respect. Not that a guy needs to wear silk shirts for a day at the beach or a hike, but I appreciate it when my date goes to some effort when going out. While a guy’s dress isn’t a deal breaker for me, when he dresses well, it’s icing on the cake.

    How do you feel about how your date dresses?

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  • Multi-dating pros and cons

    When I’ve shared with single, dating guy pals that I’m multi-dating they say that there is a double standard. If a guy talked about having dates with multiple women, he’d be chastised and accused of being a player.

    Isn’t the reason for dating to find out who you click with and who you don’t? Sometimes you have to go through a stream of single coffee dates to find someone you want to have a second date with — and who wants to see you again. Is it wrong to have a second date the same week you are having a first date with someone else?

    Date Like a ManIn Date like a Man: What Men Know about Dating and Are Afraid You’ll Find Out authors Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould share that there is nothing wrong with seeing several people at once — as long as you don’t lead them on to thinking they are the only one. Men have been doing this for centuries, and have earned titles like “ladies’ man,” “Casanova,” “playboy,” “Don Juan,” “lover boy,” and “lady killer.” Most of these terms are said with a smile and twinkle, even though some may get some negative feedback, like my male pals mentioned above.

    A woman who multi-dates — let alone hot bunks — is called by different terms: “hussy,” “tart,” “trollop,” “hoochie mama,” “easy,” “floozy,” “tramp,” “tease,” “femme fatale,” “seductress,” “temptress,” “siren,” “enchantress,” “vamp,” “man-eater,” “home wrecker” and the now popular, “ho.” I asked a few friends, and we couldn’t come up with a positive term for a woman who dates around. Perhaps we are ahead of society, so no term has been developed!

    One of the issues with dating multiple men is when to let them know. While it would seem best to tell him even before a face-to-face, it seems awkward.

    Recently, a guy handled this well. In his first email to me he said, “It is only fair for you to know that I am actively dating others. This however does not alter my interest in finding closeness with you, but don’t get mad at me if I don’t propose to you over our first coffee.”

    Since I, too, am dating others, I appreciated his candor. I found it refreshing he was so upfront.

    Another man told me on the first date he was seeing others. Again, I thought he handled it well. He told me he was attracted to me and needed to let me know he was just starting to date after his divorce, so was seeing a few other woman.

    I never lie to a man, but I also don’t like to rub it in his face if I’m seeing others. I drop hints that I am seeing others, and if things heat up, will be explicit then.

    Players date others but not let you know. They would try to hide their involvement, lying and covering up. So you can see others with impunity as long as you are open about it and it is OK with them.

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