Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

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  • Broaching tough conversations

    In talking with a married gal pal, we discussed how sometimes it is hard to bring up difficult issues to your mate. I shared that there were things in my marriage that I wish I’d brought up, but instead kept them to myself. She agreed that she was withholding some difficult topics in her relationship as well.

    However, in dating there is a freedom to bring up challenging topics. Often the reason you wouldn’t bring something up is because the risks are too great — you’re afraid of losing him or damaging the relationship irreparably. But when you’re dating, there is less risk, as if he responds poorly to the topic being brought to the table, he’s not a good match for you if you like to discuss things openly.

    So not to bring something up out of fear is not doing either of you a favor. You withhold something you’d really like to discuss, and he misses the opportunity to explore it with you and find out what’s on your mind. If he responds angrily (assuming you aren’t blaming him or accusing him), he’s not able to discuss difficult issues rationally and maturely. Wouldn’t you rather know that early in the relationship rather than after you’ve invested months in this guy? I would.

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  • Do you tend to your relationships the same as your plants?

    While visiting a guy I’m dating, I had some free time as he was BBQing dinner. I noticed some of his patio plants needed a little cleaning up. I asked him if I could tend to them and he said sure.

    HouseplantAs I began to clean out the spent blooms and dried leaves, it struck me that perhaps how one cares for one’s plants reflects how one cares for one’s relationship(s). Noticing his plants were a little neglected, I wondered if that was what was in store for me.

    Then I reflected on how I tend my own plants and what parallels I might draw. I purposefully have low-maintenance plants, both inside and outside. A year after my husband left 3 years ago, I decided I wanted front and back yards that gave me much joy and pleasure, but with little maintenance. Interesting that this decision was made within a few months of my beginning to date — to look for a man who I loved being with and gave me great joy — and, of course, pleasure! I merrily ripped out every shred of my dreary, married-life less-than-thriving front yard. Hmm, although I didn’t admit it at the time, in retrospect, that is somewhat parallel to my near-the-end marriage.

    Although it was hard work, I and a helper carefully and lovingly installed the new year-round blooming plants — and no lawn. Lawn would require mowing. Too much work! I wanted something joyful every season. My landscape designer even included a heart-shaped path. How serendipitous for this metaphor is that? And the hard work — isn’t that part of any good relationship?

    Low maintenance was key for me. I installed an automatically timed drip system so I didn’t have to worry about watering. My ex liked to hand water the old yard. But, like his nurturing of me, he’d neglect to water and the plants showed it by staying small, ragged, or, ultimately, shriveling. Hmm, another apt parallel.

    When friends would suggest I add a fountain, bird feeder or bird bath to my new yard, I’d quickly respond “I don’t want to have to take care of anything.” Since my husband was high maintenance — I did 90% of the “couples” business (paying bills, making travel plans, suggesting outings, household maintenance management), I am burnt out on taking care of things. I certainly don’t want a man I have to take care of, and it would be nice for a change if he did a little taking care of me.

    This Spring I completed my yard overhaul by revamping my back yard, including taking out trees, lawn and some ratty old raised beds my ex had haphazardly put together. I added a flagstone patio, several seating areas to enjoy the sun or shade, and all year-round blooming flowers. The flagstone is more permanent — reflecting, perhaps my desire and readiness for a more permanent relationship? We’ll see. I do know I now love both my yards — and will put the same thought and care into designing and nurturing my next relationship.

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  • My experience being on the Greg Behrendt Show

    I flew into Los Angeles the night before the taping of the Greg Behrendt Show. A driver took me from the hotel to the studio. I was promptly whisked to hair and make up where two professionals took excellent care of me. I left their studio looking “maaaarvelous,” as Billy Crystal would say.

    Then to a ready room with the other “pop up” guests. We would be seated in the audience and called on by Greg at the appointed time. I was told I’d be in the fourth quarter of the show. Now off to get our mics affixed as unobtrusively as possible. We then took our pre-assigned seats in the audience. I was front and center so got a great view of everything!

    Taping a show is a lot of hurry up and wait. So I arrived at 2:00 for a 4:00 taping. Since the show had only been in production about a month, there were still little hiccups. We had a few do-overs if the host or staff flubbed something. So we ended around 6:00.

    At the appropriate time, Greg called on me. I’d been told to share a bit about myself and ask a pre-determined question to the panel. I shared that I’d been married 20 years, divorced 3, and in the last 2 years I’d gone out with 66 men. The audience and panel spontaneously applauded! I was surprised. Was that an accomplishment? I didn’t know. I continued with my question, which I can’t tell you as I signed a non-disclosure that says I can’t talk about the content of the show!

    During the show, Greg made comments and directed a lot of questions to a panel of celebrities and one “expert” who wasn’t particularly articulate and seemed nervous. In fact, I thought he made fun of one of the pop-ups who had disclosed something very personal and tender.

    But Greg was warm, personable, funny and hip. He shared some personal things as well as drew others out.

    We had audience polling devices to respond to some on-screen questions. One question only had two possible responses and we didn’t like either one and wanted a third so the audience refused to vote! A minor mutiny! Greg handled it well.

    The staff was great, from the host and producers on down. Everyone I interacted with was professional, courteous, efficient and gracious.

    (Click here to see my little part.)

  • Dating Goddess taping new Greg Behrendt talk show today!

    Greg BI was asked to be a guest on the Greg Behrendt Show and we’re taping today. Greg is the co-author of the bestseller He’s Just Not That Into You which I’ve mentioned several times in this blog and have listed in the “Good Dating Books” pages. The show launches Sept. 12 on daytime TV.

    He's just not that into youI will be asking some celebrity panelists some of the questions I hear from other midlife women daters. It should be fun!

    I’ll write about my experience taping the show, and will let you know when it will show. So make sure you’ve subscribed via FeedBlitz or RSS feed. Who knows, maybe I’ll get a date from someone on or watching the show!

    (Click here to watch my little part on the show.)

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  • Complain about what you don’t have or enjoy what you have

    A guy I’d been dating persistently tried to pressure me to go sexually further than I was comfortable. I continued saying “no” and reminded him that he had agreed to my boundaries. He kept commenting on what he’d like to be doing with me. I finally got tired of his trying to persuade me, so said “You can enjoy what you have or you can complain about what you don’t have.” I told him we would stop what we were doing if he didn’t stop trying to pressure me to go further.

    As I later began to date others, I realized I needed to take the phrase to heart myself. When I find myself complaining about some new love interest not calling as frequently as I’d like, I realize I should just enjoy when we do talk and get together. If I’m not happy that my guy doesn’t like to do all the activities I like, I remind myself that I can’t expect a mirror-image sweetheart, and I focus on the fun things we both enjoy.

    So when you hear yourself complaining about what he doesn’t do or say, see if you can turn it around to focus on what he does or says that lights up your heart. Both of you will be so much happier.

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  • Men and women see sex differently

     “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” —Billy Crystal

    I am continually flummoxed by how men and women seem to see sex so totally differently. From my experience, it seems that men take sex much less seriously than women. I know I’m generalizing here. I know there are always exceptions, but stay with me.

    chicken and pigIt dawned on me that the difference is similar to the old joke about the chicken and pig looking at the breakfast sign in the window. It said “ham and egg breakfast.” The pig turned to the chicken and said, “For you, it’s just a contribution. For me it’s total commitment.”

    Many women, although not all, see having sex as a sign that there is a commitment to the relationship. Men, although I realize not all, seem to be more cavalier. Sex, it seems, is considered merely a very enjoyable physical release. And to do it with another, even someone they’re not particularly drawn to, makes the experience significantly better. With someone they are attracted to, it is one of the best experiences on the planet. But, if the man is immature or less evolved, he doesn’t seem to appreciate that the woman can have a very different relationship with sex.

    Often a man will press toward doing the deed without exploring what it would mean to the woman. He may not ask her philosophy on sex, and if they do it, do they have similar expectations about behaviors afterward. Would they spend the night together, rather than one getting up and going home? Would she expect to talk every day and see each other regularly? Does it mean exclusivity? What, exactly, would he be getting himself into, other than her pants? Would he be opening himself up to constant phone calls, tirades when he doesn’t call, even visits to work, or other unpleasant behaviors, just because of a little roll in the hay?

    It seems a lot of tension, strife, and upset could be avoided if there was an adult conversation about sex — not only the physical issue of protection, but the emotional expectations, implications and ramifications as well. If both had their rational wits about them before they plunged forward with their physical cravings, it would prevent a lot of angst on one or both parts.

    So why isn’t this conversation common, since it makes so much sense? My theory is that passion can evolve rather quickly, and one thing can definitely lead quickly to another. And soon you are further along than you would have rationally decided to be. But it feels so good you don’t think (much) about stopping. Your animalistic urges trump your sensible, prudent, mature sound mind.

    The only way I can see to avoid this is to have the conversation when you aren’t in the middle of a passionate embrace. I know, sometimes you don’t know that you’re going to be in a passionate embrace until it’s happening. But if you have the presence of mind to call a “time out” and discuss it, you can always pick up where you left off. What if he gets upset that you stopped the action to have this discussion? Then it’s great that you know that now so you can release him back into the dating pool. He really isn’t interested in having more than a booty call with you.

    So be clear on what sex means to you. Do you care if he sleeps with others while sleeping with you? Do you think it’s OK for you to sleep with others concurrently? Do you expect you’ll both be exclusive? Do you think it means you’re now in a relationship and you will talk to and see each other regularly? Does it mean spending the whole night together, not going home right afterward? The clearer you are, the easier this conversation will be.

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  • Talk is cheap

    While I believe that words are very important, actions are equally important. So if a guy tells you how much he’s are attracted to you or wants to be with you, but doesn’t take actions to see you, he is just stringing you along. If he gives you excuse after excuse, just let him go. He’ll tie up your heart and energy, when he isn’t really serious about seeing you.

    I once dated a man for six months who lived an hour’s drive away. He called me every day at least once. He’d promise to come see me the next day, yet something would frequently “come up.” He would actually fulfill his promise only every 2 to 3 weeks. I put up with it for a while, however I let him know I was disappointed. I finally got tired of having a no-boyfriend boyfriend, so finally I told him I wanted a break. I wasn’t willing to put up with his daily lack of integrity.

    So, if he says that he’s a gentleman and he cares about you, yet treats you disrespectfully, his actions and words don’t match. You deserve someone who has the integrity to act congruently with his words.

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  • “Hot bunking” your beaus

    No, I am not suggesting you hot wire your guys!

    The original phrase “hot bunking” relates to sleeping in shifts on a ship. There aren’t enough bunks so one sailor gets up and another, just getting off duty, lies down before the other’s body heat dissipates.

    I’m using the term tongue-in-cheek here, not literally! By “hot bunking” I’m referring to those days when you have a date with more than one guy. One gal pal shared she had 3 dates with 3 guys in one day! Wow! And I thought I once had a busy week going on seven dates with six guys in five days!

    The secret to hot bunking is to plan the dates with enough time in between so you aren’t looking worriedly at your watch if the waiter is slow. So have a lunch date and a late-afternoon coffee date, or a drink after work. Or a morning coffee date and an afternoon one. Don’t try to do a coffee date right before lunch, unless you’ve told him you have a lunch engagement so must leave by a certain time. And don’t schedule two dates in the same restaurant, as the second might be early as you’re hugging the first one goodbye! In the same mall is fine, but you do run the risk of date # 1 lingering to shop and running into you with date #2.

    The other secret is to review the details of #2 right before you meet, so you don’t get his details intertwined with #1. I bring a print out of #2s profile with me and any notes I’ve taken from phone conversations. I review them before I meet #2.

    And if they do happen to cross over — you run into #1 in the mall while walking with #2 to Starbucks — just be cool. If you see #1 don’t try to hide, although sometimes a quick duck in a store with #2 may be the best move. But if you know he saw you, make eye contact, smile, waive, and if you speak, introduce them to each other briefly, but don’t linger. Hopefully, #2 won’t be hanging all over you, so you don’t need to explain who he is. And exit quickly, so neither one asks the other “So how do you know this hottie?” If you handle it coolly, they might see they aren’t alone pursuing you and need to act quickly to win your heart.

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  • Use funny emails for unresponsive contacts

    It is frustrating when you initiate contact with a guy you think is a good match, and you don’t hear back. My single male friends tell me it’s often because they don’t feel it’s a good match and they don’t want to hurt your feelings by saying this, so they don’t respond. Other pals have shared that some are involved with someone, but don’t want to cut you off in case it doesn’t work out with their current squeeze. So you feel like your email went into the same place lost socks in the washer go.

    Occasionally, I’ll be interested enough in a guy to follow up. I know I’m flattered when someone checks back a month or so later (recently a guy reconnected after a year of the initial email, though we never met). So I devised this email to send and hopefully pique the unresponsive guy’s interest enough to respond.

    I sent you an email about a month ago, so am guessing that you (pick all that apply):

    1. Didn’t get it,
    2. Got it but ignored it,
    3. Got it but didn’t find my profile intriguing,
    4. Got kidnapped by aliens — again!
    5. Decided we live too far from each other and the thought of being far away from each other is unendurable,
    6. Broke your fingers while trying to karate-chop a wood plank so now can’t type,
    7. Found the love of your life,
    8. Are too shy to respond to a woman emailing you,
    9. Mom won’t let you talk to strange women,
    10. Were too busy to even consider dating.
    11. Got offered a movie role and have been rehearsing love scenes with Cameron Diaz for oh so many hours,
    12. Won the lottery and have now moved to a Pacific island. Or, of course,
    13. None of the above and it’s none of my business what you’ve been doing!

    I thought I should just check in with you.

    A few have responded to my humor and creativity. Try it yourself and tell me what happens.

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  • Cyber suitors: What do you call him when you haven’t met yet?

    This weekend I’m meeting a man who lives 400 miles away and has called me nearly every day — sometimes twice a day — for 4 months.

    So how do I refer to him when I talk to friends? I don’t usually share potential suitors’ names with friends until I’ve at least met a guy and know he’s going to be around for a while. So he’s not “my guy” or “beau” or even “man I’m seeing” since we haven’t yet met.

    In the old days it was somewhat simpler. Unless you were starting a long-distance romance via mail after having been “introduced” by friends or family, you had both met and could call him your “gentleman caller,” “suitor,” “fella,” or most commonly, “guy I’m dating.” With virtual introductions being more common, it has left us with a language void. My teenaged nieces would say that “we’re talkin’.”

    “Cyber suitor” or “virtual boyfriend” don’t quite capture it, but perhaps it’s a start.

  • The two-suitor conundrum: What would you do?

    Two weeks ago I started seeing Mr. Dreamboat. However, 3 weeks ago, Mr. 400MilesAway bought an airline ticket and made hotel reservations to come meet me this upcoming weekend. Mr. Dreamboat and I have gotten pretty close, although we’ve only had 3 dates. I don’t really have a desire to meet anyone else right now, but I want to meet Mr. 400Miles. He’s been sweet and attentive and I’d like to at least meet him before I make any conclusion.

    What to do? Do I tell Mr. 400Miles I’ve met someone else so he shouldn’t come? Tell him I’ve beginning to see someone and let him decide if he wants to come anyway? Not say anything and see what evolves?

    For over 3 months Mr. 400Miles has called me nearly every day, so we know quite a bit about each other’s lives. It seems cold to dismiss him — to tell him not to come, without at least giving it a chance to see if we click. But I also don’t want to lead him on if I’m not interested. But how do I really know if we’d click if I haven’t met him? People can be quite different in person than on the phone.

    While I believe in dating multiple guys when it is casual dating, not when it seems one could be serious. I feel really great about Dreamboat, and hope it develops into a long-term relationship, but it is too early to really tell. So far, however, so great!

    So if Mr. 400Miles arrives as planned, do I tell Dreamboat? Before or after? (Dreamboat will be out of town for the weekend, so he won’t miss my not being around.) Or only if it would be a threat to what he and I have? My prediction is Mr. 400Miles will be a nice guy, but based on our phone conversations, I don’t think there will be a romantic spark. If I’m right, would it help or hinder my relationship with Dreamboat to tell him? We haven’t promised exclusivity, but he’s said he isn’t interested in seeing anyone else. I told him I hadn’t seen anyone else during the two weeks since I met him, which is true.

    What would you do if you were in my shoes? If you were Mr. 400Miles or Mr. Dreamboat, what do you think would be the right approach?

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