Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Are you ready for Mr. Great?

  • The singles’ life: swapping sexual favors for … dog sitting!

    dogA former flame recently told me an old girlfriend, who ended their relationship extremely badly, asked if he’d take care of her dogs while she’s on vacation. When he said yes, but wouldn’t accept any money for it, she offered to give him sexual services in exchange for dog sitting. She’d even designed a sexual-favors credit system where he earned rolls in the hay for strolls with the dogs. He was flabbergasted!

    Although when they broke up 10 months ago she wrote him a letter listing his every flaw — and insulting his masculinity — evidentially his in-the-sack performance was now missed. And while she wasn’t suggesting they get back in relationship, she was more than suggesting they get back in bed.

    Is this what’s in store for modern-day singles? A new perspective on the f___-buddy concept? The attitude of “You take care of my dogs and I’ll take care of you”? What’s next? “Pick up my mail and I’ll give you a quick pick me up.” “Water my plants and I’ll make your mouth water.” “You do me this favor and I’ll do you a sexual favor.” While we admired her creativity designing a credit system, it seemed to us a tad too much like prostitution.

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  • Would you lie to get laid?

    DentyneMy friend Ian Percy pointed out that in Sue Pelletier’s blog entry “What’s your backstory?” she discusses the Dentyne “Happy Hunting” guide to help young men and women seem more attractive to each other. For example, it gives some fake stories you can use to impress the other sex (e.g., you were in a commercial as a kid, backup dancer in a rap video, won a big payout in a slot machine).

    It has “business cards with attitude” templates that allow you to fill in your name and number and a printable PDF will be downloaded. Women could pose as a belly dance instructor, runway model, beer quality control, sex therapist, or lingerie designer. Men can pretend to be a game developer, poker instructor, pilot or movie location coordinator.

    There are printable photos of your supposed hot car, lake house, dog, race horse, motorcycle, etc., to have in your wallet to show your potential date.

    It will tutor you so you can assume an accent (French, Italian and British for men; French, Italian and Swedish for women). Guys can choose customizable clippings of them supposedly doing something heroic. And women get tutoring in “guy talk” about sports, financial info, and male movies.

    So the message is you aren’t good enough to make someone interested in you based on who you are. You have to pretend to be someone more accomplished, interesting, or foreign. I thought society had progressed to the point where it was perfectly fine to be honestly and unabashedly who you are, and if someone doesn’t find you compelling, then just move on.

    While the Dentyne campaign is amusing, what messages does it send to singles — especially young singles? They have to lie to get a date? This is the wrong message. If you don’t think you’re very interesting, go out and do something to make yourself more so.

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  • Judging a guy by how well he … punctuates

    Jeff RubinI was chatting with my friend Jeff Rubin (The Newsletter Guy) about dating profiles and punctuation today. “Punctuation?” you ask. “That’s a weird topic.” Not to Jeff and other of my friends. You see, Jeff started National Punctuation Day (Sept. 24) to call attention to the importance of proper punctuation. The book Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation helped garner a lot of attention to this topic.Eats, Shoots and Leaves

    Jeff and I were chatting about online profiles and I said I was drawn to men’s profiles that were articulate, humorous and with proper spelling, grammar and — you guessed it — punctuation. Recently, I responded to a guy out of my geographical range because he said he was a “down-to-earth guy” — punctuated properly. Of course, he also met my other criteria, but it is so rare to see correct punctuation I swooned. Too bad the date didn’t end in an exclamation point!

    Here’s an example of a far-too-common profile writing style:

    my dogs not helping!

    dependable, loving,affectionate, communicative, low maintanence, lover of traveling,sweet, outdoorsy camper ,playful, great kisser, fetcher funny,cuddler,OOPS all thats my dog! oh well… like dog.. like owner! of course im the cuter one. seeking the same and more!

    Do you find all those misspellings, bad punctuation and missing capitals appealing? I don’t. I guess some people don’t understand how important a first impression is.

    After going out with a guy once, I had to tell him we weren’t a match. He was good humored about it and teased me about why. I responded half kiddingly “It’s because you write ‘your’ when you mean ‘you’re.’” Other common examples are using “it’s” (it is) when “its” (possessive form) is what is called for. More than one man describes himself as “Intellegent” in his profile.

    I know, you’re thinking, “That’s kinda shallow, isn’t it? To judge someone on their punctuation?” It’s only one piece of the puzzle. So be mindful of your own punctuation. When in doubt, go to the National Punctuation Day site where Jeff has a primer on proper punctuation and some terrific photos and products.

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  • Date turned out to be losing bet

    While most daters can regale you with dates gone bad, I’ve been lucky enough to only have about 10% of my dates in this category. And even bad dates have had some learning for me. This one, some months ago, helped me create the “only coffee first date” rule.

    dreamer.jpgAfter seeing the movie “Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story,” I decided I wanted to see a horse race. Never having been to one, I wanted to go with someone experienced, who could show me the reins — I mean ropes.

    A few weeks earlier I received an email and subsequent phone call from a 41-year-old guy whose profile said he was a “race horse owner.” An extremely enthusiastic man, he had more pictures of his horse than of himself in his profile. His enthusiasm wasn’t limited to his motivational-speaker style voice tone; nearly every word in his emails started with a capital letter.

    lif-heads.jpgHe wanted to meet me, so when he mentioned he was going to the local race track to check out the newest phenom, a horse named “Lost in the Fog,” I asked if I could tag along. Normally, I wouldn’t have sought a date with a man who didn’t meet my age, economic, or articulation criteria, but I wanted a tutor for the races. Sometimes tutoring costs more than you think!

    When I was ten minutes away from the track, he called to say he’d be 40 minutes late. He hadn’t carefully checked the bus and train schedule and had missed his connection. I had considered taking the train myself, as there is a station on the track grounds, so didn’t think this too odd, although I was mildly miffed he hadn’t looked into this beforehand.

    He said he was wearing a black cowboy hat and tweed coat. As I sat outside the entrance watching arriving train passengers enter, a tall man with that attire entered. But he looked less attractive than Mr. RaceHorseOwner’s picture, so I let him pass. A few minutes later he called. Yep, that was him. Sigh. I went inside to meet him.

    We set about getting a lay of the land. It seems he’d only been to the races once before, so really didn’t know much more than me. So much for my race mentor!

    We begin with lunch. He stabbed his whole meat loaf slab with his fork and raised it to his mouth — without cutting it beforehand! It landed on the shelf his protruding belly made under his white shirt. Ugh! I was reminded of his lack of table manners every time I looked at him the rest of the afternoon — a brown meat loaf stain staring out at me from his midriff paunch.

    During lunch he shared that his transportation is “BMW” — which he explained is “bus, Muni and walking.” No car. He also disclosed he still lived at home. How can a 41-year-old man living with his mother and with a full-time job not have a car?

    When I asked about his race horse, he explained that he owns 1/100th a share. Yes that is right — there are 99 other owners! So while “race horse owner” sounds successful and enticing in his profile, the truth is different.

    I endured an afternoon of bad grammar, wrong word usage, incorrect pronunciation, and repeating himself. He is a college grad, but he would be a poor advertisement for his alma mater!

    There were a number of times I felt like leaving, but the star horse had yet to run. While it was good to see a race with a soon-to-be-famous horse in it, it was not worth 6 hours of my life. And to make matters worse, since we were both novices at betting, we bet wrong and didn’t even make money on the horses we thought we had bet on!

    My lesson: before agreeing to spend the afternoon with someone, make sure it’s someone with whom I want to spend time. And yes, it was my own fault for trying to turn a date into a tutoring session, even though he was a willing teacher. Little did I know he didn’t know enough to be an informed instructor.

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  • No, I will not be dating your Harley

    Harley DavidsonI am often amazed at the pictures guys post in their profiles. After nearly two years of online man shopping — looking at profiles — I shouldn’t be surprised anymore. But based on all the pictures of men with their motorcycles, these must be babe magnets. I’ve even seen men post 12 pictures of their bike — with only one of themselves.

    Men also post pictures of their cars — with or without themselves in the pic, and of course their boats and planes. This made sense when I realized they wanted to show the material trappings of their financial success. However, they could be up to their eyeballs in hock to pay for such toys. I’d be more impressed if they posted the first page of last year’s tax return and a net worth statement!

    They also post pictures of their dogs, which I understand as most dog owners are very attached to their pets. However, sometimes there are more pics of the dogs than them. And often there are dog pics, but none of their kids.

    And some like to post nature pictures, especially if they say they are outdoors types, which 90% say they are. I don’t mind a pic of a favorite place, but again, often the guy isn’t in the pic. Or if he is, he has on a t-shirt, sunglasses and a hat, so I can’t really see what he looks like.

    So, if you like motorcycle-riding guys — sort of the “bad boy” image even though he may be a dentist or accountant — you’ll be in online-dating heaven. Just make sure he pays as much attention to you as he does to his bike.

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  • Breaking up is hard to do…right

    In a recent NY Times article “Is It Over? Log on and See,” journalist Melena Ryzik explores how many young people don’t know their partner has broken up with them until they see his/her MySpace status changed to “single.” She points out that the status change often quickly follows a spat — but sometimes it’s too quickly. Sometimes within hours. And the other is shocked at the seeming finality.

    However, sometimes the status change is noted before a spat or breakup. Ouch! One date told me he learned his girlfriend considered herself single when her profile appeared in his matches on Yahoo! Personals. While he’d hidden his profile and cancelled his membership, he still received a weekly list of matches. She showed up. He decided to do a little sleuthing so started another profile with a new identity. He emailed her, only to learn that she said she had broken up with her last boyfriend (him) and was now single. Interesting that she was still accepting his date invitations and hadn’t bothered to tell him she was breaking up!

    My experience is few men (and I hear women, too) make a clean break. Many just stop emailing and/or calling after a few dates. While this isn’t officially “breaking up” as we were never really going together, it does make me scratch my head. I’m told that men don’t want to hurt a woman’s feelings by telling her outright it’s not a match. And they think disappearing is better? I’ve also been told they want to avoid any possible drama — yelling, crying, etc. — because, in a man pal’s words, “Men are cowards.” Of course, I understand women are often cowards, too.

    So if you know you don’t want to see him again, have the class and courage to just tell him you don’t think you two are a fit and wish him well.

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  • Dear Fido

    DobermanThis guy kept coming to the top of my matches on one of the dating sites, so after a few months I decided to initiate contact. But I did so with his dog mentioned in his profile, which we’ll call “Fido” to protect his — and his owner’s — identity. The things mentioned are references to items in his owner’s profile.

    Dear Fido:

    You are cute! However I hope I don’t offend you, but I think that guy you live with is even cuter. While I hope I get a chance to meet you and appreciate your sense of humor, I already appreciate his.

    I’m writing to you to see if you can give me the real scoop, as he seems like a guy I’d like to get to know. Is he really as intelligent and funny as he appears in his profile? Or is that hyperbole to entice ladies to meet with him?

    While I don’t row or spearfish, I do enjoy some of the same things: hiking, biking, I’ve even done some beginning SCUBA in Hawaii. I, too, am educated and well-traveled, and, like him, I love learning which has also increased “my awareness of how little we really know.”

    He says I’d get bonus points if I recognized the schools affiliated with various mascots. My high school mascot was the Trojans, do I get points for that? In fact, as Sr. Class President, I was star of a tasteless skit about Trojans, and no, it was not referencing our mascot!

    So, give me the skinny. What is he really like? He keeps showing up in my matches, so do you think we’d be a good match? If so, can you put in a good word for me when he’s especially susceptible, like when you’re snuggled up with your head on him and looking at him with those big eyes of yours? If you give me the inside scoop I promise to brush you and give you lots of treats. What do you say?

    (Fido’s response)

    Hi Goddess!

    Sorry for taking so long to get back to you but I had to show your letter to my dad since I am not yet two years old and he doesn’t like me to write to older women. He looked at your profile and said that you looked safe, looked at your note to me and said that you are obviously creative and funny and looked at your picture and said that you are very pretty. He then wanted to write to you himself but I reminded him that you letter was to me, not him.

    Well, I can tell you this, if you go out with him and mind very well, you can look forward to having your ears scratched and your side rubbed until your leg kicks. And, if you climb up in his lap, he will love you up until you go to sleep.

    My dad was always very supportive when I was growing up. For example, he wanted me to get a good business education, so he spread out the Wall Street Journal on the kitchen floor for me to read when I was a pup. I remember getting too agitated over some of the articles and making statements on them before he got home. I guess, I’m just a Blue State kind of dog. I even learned some French this way but my dad says that my pronunciation suffers a bit, given my focus in life. For example, before each meal I say, “Bone apetite” and he says that’s close but not really right. What do you think?

    Do you have a dog for me to play with? Both my dad and I like playmates that don’t growl or bite and don’t arch their back and seem mean. We both like friends that like to run and play and go to the bathroom before we get in the car. I don’t think he likes friends that drool on the side of the car when they hang their heads out the window either. I don’t know how you two would ever figure out if you like each other since my dad says it’s not polite to sniff. I just think it makes sense since I can find out if my friend is really a girl, is hot to trot, where she’s been and what she’s eaten.

    Maybe you two should get a good rubber toy and play tug of war and chase each other. It works for me. If you would like to actually talk with me, you can call me at XX. My dad may answer if I’m sleeping but that’s OK because then you can talk with him…

    Fido (the hound of renown)

    Dearest Fido, hound of renown:

    Thank you for writing. Since it had taken awhile, I thought perhaps I had been too forward, or that your dad had found another (prettier, sexier, thinner, smarter, funnier) woman. I’m glad that you don’t think that’s the case. And you would know, wouldn’t you?

    «I am not yet two years old and he doesn’t like me to write to older women.»

    He is wise.

    «He then wanted to write to you himself but I reminded him that you letter was to me, not him.»

    He is welcomed to write himself. But I am glad you took the time to compose such a great letter.

    «mind very well, you can look forward to having your ears scratched and your side rubbed until your leg kicks. And, if you climb up in his lap, he will love you up until you go to sleep.»

    Yum! I will work very hard to mind if those are my rewards! Although I haven’t been as well trained as you obviously have, so I hope there’s no hitting with the newspaper involved if I misbehave. Sometimes I’m at my best when I’m misbehaving! Usually a look or stern voice are enough for me to see the error of my ways.

    «”Bone Apetite”…. What do you think?»

    You are a very funny dog! I think I would cherish any dog who tries to speak French, no matter the pronunciation. If you will forgive mine, I will accept yours.

    «Do you have a dog for me to play with?»

    I’m sorry, I don’t. But this is good, because I can lavish my pent-up dog affection totally on you! I am very affectionate (without being clingy), so I will welcome the opportunity to pet, brush, play with and cuddle you. Perhaps a little will rub off onto dad. 🙂

    «Both my dad and I like playmates that don’t growl or bite and don’t arch their back and seem mean. We both like friends that like to run and play and go to the bathroom before we get in the car. I don’t think he likes friends that drool on the side of the car when they hang their heads out the window either.»

    I think I qualify on all accounts.

    «If you would like to actually talk with me, you can call me at XX. My dad may answer if I’m sleeping but that’s OK because then you can talk with him»

    I would like to talk to you both. However, Fido, what is Dad’s name in case he answers the phone? I know I can always ask for you, but he might have to interpret until I can communicate with you face-to-face.

    Goddess

    (After the first phone conversation)

    Dearest Fido:

    So we’re meeting for coffee. I’m not sure if you’ll be accompanying him or not. If not, I will have to meet you next time (assuming I’m not odious to him and there is a next time). Perhaps you can come to my house and chase some squirrels. You do like to chase squirrels, don’t you? My back yard is infested with them and if you’d like to make your presence known and scare them off, I’d be grateful (read: more treats and brushing for you).

    I did, however, have to practically pry his name out of him! I thought it a bit awkward to keep calling him Fido’s dad, and I thought shortening it to just “Dad” was a bit presumptuous on a first conversation. He is hilarious, but you already know that. I think making each other laugh is key to a good relationship. I know, I know, you think a good walk, treats, and brushing are key. They are, I agree, for both dogs and humans.

    Hey, he says one of his favorite books is The House at Pooh Corner! That cracked me up because for years when someone asked my favorite book, I cited that one! Wow! I’ve never met another adult who admitted to that in public! Cool! (I know, there were way too many exclamation points in that paragraph, but I was just excited. I’m calmer now. See, just periods.)

    I hope to meet you soon. And thanks again for putting in the good word.

    Goddess

    Whoof!!!

    (To our first meeting for coffee, I took a basket of dog treats, a Winnie the Pooh book and some fresh-baked homemade blueberry muffins, which I’d learned was one of Fido dad’s favorite foods.)

    Goddess:

    Thanks again for meeting me today. I really enjoyed getting to know you. I also appreciated your thoughtfulness in bringing the book and treats. The bagged [dog] treats were especially good and were very much like scones and very tasty with tea….

    Fido’s Dad

    Hi Fido’s Dad:

    > Thanks again for meeting me today. I really enjoyed getting to know you.

    Me, too. But then I’ve always been a sucker for intelligent, good-looking, Winnie-the-Pooh-loving guys who own Dobermans, like blueberry muffins, have a quick wit and make me laugh.

    > also appreciated your thoughtfulness in bringing the book and treats.

    It just felt like the thing to do to thank Fido for his yenta services.

    Goddess

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  • Are you drawn to “Oscar” or “Felix”?

    Odd CoupleDo you like guys who are more Oscar-like or more like Felix? Recently, I got to test for myself.

    For 7 weeks I dated a guy who was a lot like Jack Klugman‘s character Oscar Madison in “The Odd Couple.” While a very sweet, smart, affectionate, attentive guy, he always looked rumpled. He was even disheveled naked!I began to doubt the man owned an iron — if he did he either had no idea where it was or no clue how to use it.

    When I visited his house, it was decorated in “early student” — torn couch, dust everywhere, crumbs on the floor so I didn’t dare go barefoot. The cobwebs were so thick in every corner they looked like ropes. I had to ask him to wipe the TV screen before watching a DVD because I couldn’t see the picture. I didn’t like to eat or drink there because the dishes looked like they hadn’t been washed. His front yard was so weed covered, I took it upon myself to pull some while we had wine on his leaf-littered porch. The back yard was so overgrown, he’d received nuisance citations from the city two years in a row! Needless to say, I didn’t accept many invitations to visit him there.

    Contrast that to a guy I just visited who was more like Tony Randall‘s character Felix Unger. Fastidious must be his middle name. His car is spotless inside and out. His luxury penthouse apartment appears straight out of Architectural Digest. His dining room is pre-set with china for six — even though he’s never had a dinner party at this place.

    He has 3 color-coordinated pot holders on the kitchen counter, meticulously spaced. His bathroom towels are hung with a bath towel, then a contrasting hand towel over that, then another contrasting towel arranged horizontally around the previous towel. No one would ever use any of these towels like this! After using the chenille throw while watching TV, I folded it and placed it back in its place when done. I later noticed he’d refolded it!

    He always looks crisp, something I admire. In the 6 dates we’ve been on, he’s always looked clean and pressed. If I didn’t know better, I’d guess that he irons his briefs! Although thankfully, he doesn’t apparently iron his jeans.

    So which do I prefer? Felix wins hands down! While “anal-retentive” does come to mind, I’m much happier around someone who gives some attention to looking good and to living in a clean environment. Only time will tell if this meticulousness translates into perfectionist and control freak.

  • Broaching tough conversations

    In talking with a married gal pal, we discussed how sometimes it is hard to bring up difficult issues to your mate. I shared that there were things in my marriage that I wish I’d brought up, but instead kept them to myself. She agreed that she was withholding some difficult topics in her relationship as well.

    However, in dating there is a freedom to bring up challenging topics. Often the reason you wouldn’t bring something up is because the risks are too great — you’re afraid of losing him or damaging the relationship irreparably. But when you’re dating, there is less risk, as if he responds poorly to the topic being brought to the table, he’s not a good match for you if you like to discuss things openly.

    So not to bring something up out of fear is not doing either of you a favor. You withhold something you’d really like to discuss, and he misses the opportunity to explore it with you and find out what’s on your mind. If he responds angrily (assuming you aren’t blaming him or accusing him), he’s not able to discuss difficult issues rationally and maturely. Wouldn’t you rather know that early in the relationship rather than after you’ve invested months in this guy? I would.

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  • Do you tend to your relationships the same as your plants?

    While visiting a guy I’m dating, I had some free time as he was BBQing dinner. I noticed some of his patio plants needed a little cleaning up. I asked him if I could tend to them and he said sure.

    HouseplantAs I began to clean out the spent blooms and dried leaves, it struck me that perhaps how one cares for one’s plants reflects how one cares for one’s relationship(s). Noticing his plants were a little neglected, I wondered if that was what was in store for me.

    Then I reflected on how I tend my own plants and what parallels I might draw. I purposefully have low-maintenance plants, both inside and outside. A year after my husband left 3 years ago, I decided I wanted front and back yards that gave me much joy and pleasure, but with little maintenance. Interesting that this decision was made within a few months of my beginning to date — to look for a man who I loved being with and gave me great joy — and, of course, pleasure! I merrily ripped out every shred of my dreary, married-life less-than-thriving front yard. Hmm, although I didn’t admit it at the time, in retrospect, that is somewhat parallel to my near-the-end marriage.

    Although it was hard work, I and a helper carefully and lovingly installed the new year-round blooming plants — and no lawn. Lawn would require mowing. Too much work! I wanted something joyful every season. My landscape designer even included a heart-shaped path. How serendipitous for this metaphor is that? And the hard work — isn’t that part of any good relationship?

    Low maintenance was key for me. I installed an automatically timed drip system so I didn’t have to worry about watering. My ex liked to hand water the old yard. But, like his nurturing of me, he’d neglect to water and the plants showed it by staying small, ragged, or, ultimately, shriveling. Hmm, another apt parallel.

    When friends would suggest I add a fountain, bird feeder or bird bath to my new yard, I’d quickly respond “I don’t want to have to take care of anything.” Since my husband was high maintenance — I did 90% of the “couples” business (paying bills, making travel plans, suggesting outings, household maintenance management), I am burnt out on taking care of things. I certainly don’t want a man I have to take care of, and it would be nice for a change if he did a little taking care of me.

    This Spring I completed my yard overhaul by revamping my back yard, including taking out trees, lawn and some ratty old raised beds my ex had haphazardly put together. I added a flagstone patio, several seating areas to enjoy the sun or shade, and all year-round blooming flowers. The flagstone is more permanent — reflecting, perhaps my desire and readiness for a more permanent relationship? We’ll see. I do know I now love both my yards — and will put the same thought and care into designing and nurturing my next relationship.

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  • My experience being on the Greg Behrendt Show

    I flew into Los Angeles the night before the taping of the Greg Behrendt Show. A driver took me from the hotel to the studio. I was promptly whisked to hair and make up where two professionals took excellent care of me. I left their studio looking “maaaarvelous,” as Billy Crystal would say.

    Then to a ready room with the other “pop up” guests. We would be seated in the audience and called on by Greg at the appointed time. I was told I’d be in the fourth quarter of the show. Now off to get our mics affixed as unobtrusively as possible. We then took our pre-assigned seats in the audience. I was front and center so got a great view of everything!

    Taping a show is a lot of hurry up and wait. So I arrived at 2:00 for a 4:00 taping. Since the show had only been in production about a month, there were still little hiccups. We had a few do-overs if the host or staff flubbed something. So we ended around 6:00.

    At the appropriate time, Greg called on me. I’d been told to share a bit about myself and ask a pre-determined question to the panel. I shared that I’d been married 20 years, divorced 3, and in the last 2 years I’d gone out with 66 men. The audience and panel spontaneously applauded! I was surprised. Was that an accomplishment? I didn’t know. I continued with my question, which I can’t tell you as I signed a non-disclosure that says I can’t talk about the content of the show!

    During the show, Greg made comments and directed a lot of questions to a panel of celebrities and one “expert” who wasn’t particularly articulate and seemed nervous. In fact, I thought he made fun of one of the pop-ups who had disclosed something very personal and tender.

    But Greg was warm, personable, funny and hip. He shared some personal things as well as drew others out.

    We had audience polling devices to respond to some on-screen questions. One question only had two possible responses and we didn’t like either one and wanted a third so the audience refused to vote! A minor mutiny! Greg handled it well.

    The staff was great, from the host and producers on down. Everyone I interacted with was professional, courteous, efficient and gracious.

    (Click here to see my little part.)