Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Are you ready for Mr. Great?

  • Be creative to get his attention!

    Last week I had two sublime dates, Wed. and Thurs., with a new guy (#65 if you’re keeping track). I loved being with him, and from all he said and did, it seemed he felt similarly. He called twice Friday while on a business trip (yes, even over a weekend). He’d said it was fine to call him, so I left him a voice mail Sunday night, and he called Monday. Tuesday he sent two brief emails. Then nothing for nearly 3 days.

    I’m used to guys calling or emailing every day, especially if it seems like there’s a mutual attraction. Perhaps I was impatient. In the unstable first few weeks of a potential relationship, there is uncertainty. I was wanting some sign he was still interested. Call it insecurity. I try to rein it in, but unfortunately it leaks out despite my best attempts.

    I didn’t want to call him again — it seemed so desperate. After all, in He’s Just Not That Into You it says guys don’t like to be chased, and they will call if they are thinking about you and want to talk to you. So I decided to get creative.

    Since he interviews and hires people as part of his job, I decided to write an email speaking his language.

    Subject: Job application status request

    Dear Dr. XX:

    As you know, I applied for your organization’s position of “sweetheart trainee” last week. I enjoyed very much our two interviews and thought I fit the job qualifications very well. You are a great interviewer! I thought the practice session Thurs. night went particularly well, and could see myself enjoying the job very much. From your response, it appeared that your needs and my skills were a fit.

    Since it’s been a little while since we’ve touched base, I’m wondering if the position is still available or if it has been filled. Or perhaps you are still searching for a better-qualified candidate. I’m happy to have a third interview to determine if we are a good fit, before starting a probationary period.

    I know you have been very busy with your frequent travel. But if you would be so kind as to tell me if the position is still available and if so, if I’m being considered for it, or if I should move on to the next opportunity. I would love to fill the job, and would be very sad if I’m out of the running, but understand if you think it may not be a good fit.

    🙂

    An hour later he called laughing, as he’d just read it. He said a coworker next to him wondered what was so funny that caused him to laugh so loudly. I was glad to hear from him. He apologized for not being in more regular contact, that he’d work on being better, especially when he was traveling. We set a date for this weekend. Creativity can work!

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  • Boyfriend application to go with job description

    After my entry yesterday, my friend Steve Mertz pointed me to twenty-something Sasha’s blog entry “5 Easy Steps to Snag A Date With Me.” Funny stuff, including a Boyfriend Application. Now why didn’t I think of that? And her job description has some items I forgot, and will now be adding.

    Fun!

    What would you put in your “Perfect Boyfriend” job description? Share in a comment.

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  • What’s your “perfect boyfriend’s” job description?

    “When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal woman. Well, I found her — but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.” —Robert Schuman

    It has been said that first dates are like job interviews, with both sides interviewing for the other’s position of “sweetheart/lover/mate.” While most have done some work listing the characteristics of their perfect mate — the candidate’s qualifications, they don’t usually list their expectations — the actual job description.

    Since I am starting to see a new guy who interviews and hires people for a living, I decided to put our relationship in his language — a job description. However, since he’s out of town, I thought I’d practice on a guy who lives out of the area, but calls me regularly.

    I told him I wanted to play a game with him. He said fine. I said “Mr. X, I understand there is an opening for Mr. X’s girlfriend. What are the candidate’s requirements and the job description?”

    He laughed. “Well, she needs to be smart, beautiful on the inside, and fun.”

    “Hmm. What about beautiful on the outside? You have to be attracted to her, right?

    “Yes. But if she’s beautiful on the inside, that will come through.”

    “No requirements for body shape or height? Most men have some preferences here.”

    “I’m a leg man. I like good legs.”

    Beyonce“‘Good legs’ has different definitions for different people. Are you thinking the legs of Cameron Diaz, Beyonce, or Queen Latifah?”

    “Beyonce,” he said firmly. “Cameron Diaz’ legs are too skinny.”

    “What about touch? Do you like touch?”

    “There’s touch and then there’s Touch. The latter needs to be behind closed doors.”

    And on we went. I found it helpful to clarify what he meant about nebulous words. I shared what I was looking for in my guy’s job description. But I realized that I, like most people, had clearly written the candidate’s characteristics (tall, smart, funny, nice looking, active, chivalrous, accomplished), but I hadn’t written the job description. I have been gathering parts of the list in my head, but will flush out what I’ve begun to notice I like and want.

    Job description of the Goddess’s perfect boyfriend

    Seeking self-starting, action-oriented, smart, fun, playful, tall (6’0″+), physically active man, age 47-60, wanted for long-term relationship with tall, affectionate, fun, smart, playful, accomplished, thoughtful, feisty, positive Goddess. This Goddess is considered one of the top “catches” by many and few make it past the first interview. The top candidate will receive benefits far beyond what most others offer and these will be fully disclosed to the top qualified candidates. They include lots of kissing, caressing, cuddling and more, passion, understanding, respect, kindness, fun activities, home-cooked meals, laughter, support of your endeavors, positive attitude and feedback.

    The job entails:

    • Treating the Goddess like someone loved and cherished. This includes, but is not limited to, talking every day, being chivalrous (opening doors, etc.), romance (sweet talk, compliments, planning outings, flowers, surprises).
    • Working out any disagreements, rather than clamming up or disappearing.
    • Being loyal and not seeking other women.
    • Being a passionate and giving lover who also openly receives. Great kissing required.
    • Giving grace if the Goddess does something he initially interprets as negative.
    • Sharing feelings about life and our relationship on a regular basis.
    • Working to continually improve himself and his environment.
    • Living his life with personal integrity, including but not limited to, doing what he says he will, calling when he promises, doing what’s right, not necessarily what’s easy.
    • Having the courage to bring up difficult topics, and engaging maturely when the Goddess does the same.
    • Being financially mature and responsible.
    • Consciously taking care of his body so he is healthy and active.
    • Laughing at the Goddess’s attempts to be funny.
    • Socializing willingly and pleasantly in groups or with friends, both his and hers.
    • Planning outings like dancing, foreign films, dinners out, theater, parties, concerts, and other activities both enjoy. Initiating plans for events he thinks the Goddess would like, proposing them, and then arranging for the tickets, etc.
    • Participating in physical activities together (biking, hiking, walking, dancing) or alone (working out, running, golf, other sports). Regular physical activity a must.

    I may just email these to prospective suitors before we meet and see if they’re interested in the job!

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  • Dating differences: it’s in the brains

    My friend Ian forwarded the following excerpt from an article on the difference between male and female brains, as it relates to dating and relationships.

    “‘[Women] use different brain areas and circuits to solve problems, process language, experience and store the same strong emotion,’ [researcher] Brizendine says. ‘Women may remember the smallest details of their first dates, and their biggest fights, while their husbands barely remember that these things happened.’ Their inborn ability to “mirror emotions” makes women more sensitive to the feelings of others.

    “But with these great powers comes the great headache of a capricious mix of neuro-hormonal players, a bouillabaisse of estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, oxytocin, cortisol and vasopressin, to name a few ingredients. Testosterone-driven men, comparatively speaking, are a quick study.

    “‘Because of the fluctuations that begin as early as three months and last until after menopause, a woman’s neurological reality is not as constant as a man’s,’ Brizendine writes. ‘His is like a mountain that is worn away imperceptibly over the millennia by glaciers … Hers is more like the weather itself — constantly changing and hard to predict.’

    “Every brain, the author notes, begins female. But by week eight, a male’s genetic calendar calls for a toga party with killer kegs of testosterone, effectively killing off cells in the communication centres of the brain while diverting growth to the sex and aggression centres. Which really tells you everything you need to know about la difference.”

    It explains a lot, doesn’t it? So when a man communicates caringly and sensitively, we should applaud loudly and acknowledge him as it is out of his DNA’s comfort zone.

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  • “Let it please be him”

    I remember singing Vikki Carr‘s “It Must Be Him” whenever a lovesick roommate would be awaiting a call from her new beau and the phone rang. It goes

    “Let it please be him, oh dear God
    It must be him or I shall die
    Or I shall die
    Oh hello, hello my dear God
    It must be him but it’s not him
    And then I die
    That’s when I die.”

    That’s what I feel like now when I’m awaiting a new suitor’s call. He didn’t say when he’d call, just that he’d call. And I long to talk to him. I haven’t heard from him in 3 days.

    “So why don’t you call him?” you ask.

    “I left him a message yesterday. I don’t even know if he’s back from his business trip. Maybe he’s still gone. If I call again, will I appear desparate? Everything I’ve read says the man should long for you. He should pursue the woman. If she sounds too available and needy, it’s a turn off.”

    “Cell phones work in all parts of the country. Even if he were busy, he could find five mintues before he went to bed to call you. If he were flying yesterday or today, there’s plenty of waiting time at the airport for a quick ‘Hello.’ No, you shouldn’t call again.”

    And so I busy myself with other activities so as to not focus on the phone not ringing. I hate this part of dating.
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  • The sex talk

    I’m surprised when a man expresses he wants to have sex, but he doesn’t then initiate a discussion of protection. I guess there’s an assumption condoms will be used, but how much more reassuring it would be if he brings up the issue rather than me. If he were to say “I would love to make love to you when you’re ready, and know that I believe in only protected sex until we both have had recent STD tests.” That shows he cares about you as well as himself, and is mature about this issue.

    Let’s say it is clear you both want to have sex. How do you bring up the discussion of protection, STDs and testing? It is not a sexy subject, but if you are able to discuss it maturely, when not in the heat of passion, it shows you are unafraid of uncomfortable conversations.

    In my experience, it seems that men are ready sooner than women. The “3-date rule” for sex seems arbitrary. One man I dated for 6 weeks kept saying “I can wait. I’m not going anywhere.” Then he broke up with me in an Instant Message. I guess he wasn’t going anywhere but his own house, as he never came to mine again!

    Ever since a guy revealed he had herpes during a first date and we’d scheduled a second, I’ve taken STDs much more seriously. I researched herpes and discovered that it can be contagious even when the person is not currently having an outbreak. According to herpes medication manufacturer Valtrex, 70% of people got genital herpes from their partner when they were showing no signs of the virus (like an outbreak). According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 1 out of 5 American teenagers and adults is infected with it.

    If your partner says “I’m disease free” — how does he know if he hasn’t been tested? One source says 1 out of 4 people with herpes don’t know they have it and, of course, they can still spread it.

    In a recent study, college students were asked to anonymously answer some questions about sex. One of the questions was if they knew they had an STD and they thought they were going to get lucky that night would they tell their partner. An astonishing number (I’m sorry, I wish I had the data) said “no.” And the majority of those who said “no” were men. Now we’d hope midlife men would have more maturity and honesty, but it is not a given.

    The bottom line: show each other the test results before doing anything that could spread a disease. If there has been sex with someone else after the test was taken, get tested now, then wait for the results before moving forward. If he balks, you know he doesn’t care about your safety and peace of mind, so he’s not the one for you. He’s cavalier about something that can not only affect your health, but in the case of AIDS, can take your life.
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  • Hands-on dating research

    Yesterday an author friend shared that she was doing hands-on research for a book by remodeling her own house. I thought “I’m doing ‘hands-on’ research myself — on dating!” Of course, sometimes the hands-on part is welcomed — sometimes not. 🙂

    But what am I really researching?

    First, I am researching what I want and don’t want in a man and a relationship. While you would think that you would be pretty clear about this, the truth is it takes some experimentation to really know. You have to be around different men to see what fits and what doesn’t.

    Second, I am researching what makes men click. What works with them and what doesn’t? While men can be simple creatures, if you don’t fully understand what can go on in their heads, you will be frustrated.

    Sometimes the research can be fun. Other times it can be tiresome, or even, although thankfully rare, painful. But with each experience you add to your research base and refine your skills. A researcher knows not every experiment will be a success, but she learns from each one, so you add to your knowledge base with each experience.

    Have you been researching? If so, what have you learned? If not, get out there and start collecting date-a. 🙂
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  • Falling in lust

    ” Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.” —Mae West

    How do you know you’re falling in love vs. falling in lust? I don’t have the answer — I’m hoping you do! All I know is it feels like I’m falling in something!

    Here’s what’s happening:

    I met an amazing guy Wednesday. Everything clicked. I mean everything. There were no red flags — is that a red flag that he has no immediately detectable flaws?

    We spent a lot of time together the next evening. Still, no glaring character flaws. No obnoxious habits so far. I know, you’re saying “You’ve only just begun to know him so he’s on his best behavior. The flaws will come out.” But usually when I’ve spent this amount of time with someone, their quirks have begun to show.

    The confusion about lust vs. love comes when he’s got the important items on your “perfect man” list (tall, good looking, fit, funny, intelligent, thoughtful, chivalrous, educated, articulate) and there’s physical magnetism (love his energy, his kisses, his tender caresses). So are these all components of love, or does chemistry (lust) take over? Or is lust just a key factor in falling in love?

    One guy pal described the difference: “When it’s lustful you think about touching her breasts. When it’s love you think about holding hands when older.” We decided love is when you want both.

    I’ve fallen in lust before. You have barely met yet can’t keep your hands off each other. Things progress quickly and soon you’re intertwined. After a few encounters, you realize you don’t really know the person. One of you steps back and says, “We need to slow down.” Or you realize you’re further along than you want to be, so you break up — or just vanish.

    So how would you distinguish the two? Share your thoughts in a comment.

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  • The importance of sweet talk

    You’ve developed a fondness for each other in several long phone conversations, so you agree to meet. There are signs he’s attracted — he touches you gently, holds your hand, looks you in the eye, pays attention to what you say, asks about you and your interests, seems interested in pleasing you.

    You are drawn to him, too. Yet something seems missing. What?

    You’d like some verbal confirmation. Guys might say “What are you talking about? The guy’s showing he’s interested!” But it’s nice to hear it, too.

    I like it when a guy compliments me, says he’s glad to see me, that I look nice, smell good, etc. I don’t know why, but it reassures me. Of course, he could be using his usual “You are beautiful” line that he says to every woman, but it still sounds good to me!

    I also like it when he uses endearing terms: “sweetheart,” “darling,” “my dear,” “babe,” “sugar,” even “sweetie” will do. Hey, I’ll even take “sugar cookie,” “snookums,” “cupcake,” “blueberry muffin,” or “my sweet baboo” (yes, I’ve been called all those). Some even call me “goddess,” which of course I adore! (Please — no “poopsie!)

    While sometimes talk can be cheap, often it is worth millions. A few endearing comments can melt my heart and has occasionally made me more enamored with a guy than I might have without them.

    So when you like something about a guy, let him know. If you feel a fondness, let a “sweetie” slip out. It might — or might not — mean as much to him, but if he’s astute he will hear what you like and return it in kind.

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  • Guy needs to make effort for first encounter

    I broke my own rule the other day — I initiated contact with a guy. I don’t know why I do this — the results are almost laughably predictable. He had looked at my profile, but didn’t write. I thought he was cute, smart, articulate, so I wrote.

    His response: “I live close to [intersection about 10 miles from me]. If you ever find yourself coming to this area maybe we can plan a chance meeting.”

    Translated: “I don’t have much desire to meet you and am not willing to make any effort, so if you come to me, I’ll eke out a few minutes to deign to see if you have any appeal to me.”

    Well, buddy, your inertia is unappealing. Even if we lived a ways apart, you could at least offer to meet half way if you’re so lethargic that you can’t muster the extra 5 miles to meet near me, which most guys do.

    And, by the way, how does one “plan a chance meeting”? It’s an oxymoron. That’s like planned spontaneity. You can’t plan a “chance” meeting.

    So, no, pal, I won’t be calling you nor driving to your neighborhood for that planned chance meeting.

    When will I learn that if they don’t initiate they have no energy for you?

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  • Signs that he won’t be asking for a second date

    He’s pleasant and cordial, not a jerk. But there are signs that there won’t be a second date.

    • You’d agreed to meet for a drink. The waiter brings your drinks, but when he asks if you are ready to order, your date says, “We’re just having drinks.” If he were interested in spending more time with you, he’d say, “Check back in a little while” or at least offer to order appetizers.
    • He doesn’t make much eye contact. That means he doesn’t like looking at you. Even if he is shy, if a man thinks you’re attractive, he won’t be able to keep his eyes off you.
    • He doesn’t comment on your attractiveness. An interested guy says, “You’re much prettier than your pictures,” or even “Wow! You’re beautiful,” or “You have such pretty eyes.” He’ll find something to compliment you on.
    • No casual touching. If a guy is attracted to you, he’ll touch your arm or hand, or the small of your back as you walk to the table.
    • He doesn’t smile much. Even if he is shy, a man who wants to make a good impression smiles a lot at what you say and laughs when you attempt something funny.
    • If the waiter asks if you want another drink, your date doesn’t ask you, he just says, “We’re fine.” Do not, under any circumstance, order another drink unless your date asks. He wants to be polite, but he can get surly if you make him wait while you down another.
    • He doesn’t seem interested in you. He doesn’t ask you questions about your interests or life.
    • No mention of a second date. An attracted man will try to set up the second date during the first, or at least mention it as a possibility. For example, if you mention something you like (e.g., type of movies, food, music or activity) he’ll say, “Next time we will go there/try that.”
    • He can’t wait to get the check. He may chase down the waiter if it isn’t coming fast enough.
    • He accepts your offer to contribute to the check. Bad sign. This shows he has no interest in you romantically.
    • He doesn’t walk you to your car.
    • He shakes your hand as you part and says something like, “It was nice to meet you.”

    Most of these alone don’t mean there’s no second date coming. However, if there are several — or heaven forbid, all of them — just try to get out of there as quickly and pleasantly as possible.

    Don’t take it personally. Just know it isn’t a match and move on. Next!

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