Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Are you ready for Mr. Great?

  • Chivalry isn’t dead — but it seems to be hibernating

    A few of my dates have had impeccable manners. Most weren’t brought up in a house of privilege. Some were taught how to treat a woman by their mothers. However, if their mother didn’t teach them, at some point they decided it was important to learn and practice chivalry.

    What do I mean? Holding doors, holding the chair and seating a woman at a restaurant, opening the car door, helping put on and take off her coat, walking on the outside of the sidewalk, making sure she orders first, walking together instead of ahead. These aren’t big behaviors to learn and practice. However, I’ve noticed few men — even educated, successful, accomplished men — do any of them at all or if they do, it’s happenstance, not consistent.

    Am I expecting too much? My women friends don’t think so. Nor do those who practice chivalry regularly. I love a gay friend escorting me to important events when I’m in between beaus, as he is the epitome of chivalrous.

    So why don’t more men practice them, even if they are not with a woman they are interested in? Holding a chair for a coworker or standing when a gal pal walks into a meeting is over the top. But opening doors isn’t.

    Are these hard behaviors to learn? Hardly. Carolyn Millet teaches classes on manners to 12-year-old boys. And she teaches the girls how to respond graciously.

    I know sometimes women respond poorly to well-meaning chivalry. They confuse respectful manners with demeaning behaviors. I don’t. In fact, I think chivalry shows respect for a woman.

    So how do we awaken the hibernating manners in a man? I employ the “catch him doing something right” technique. I always thank him when he opens the door, helps with my coat, etc. If I want him to help with my coat and he hasn’t in the past, I’ll gently hand him my coat as we’re leaving. Unless he’s really obtuse, he’ll get it. I tell him “I love it when you do chivalrous things. It makes me feel cherished.” Some get it. Others continue to hibernate. When they do awaken, they’ll find mating season is over.

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  • Gentleman morphs into masher

    I recognized him at the airport coming past Security. He was taller than he seemed in his pics, better looking and better built. He’d been on an airplane 13 hours, yet he’d donned a suit and tie because he knew I find men in well-fitting suits sexy!

    He recognized me — I was wearing a tiara, of course. He said he’d have recognized me without it. He kissed me on both cheeks — how European! — and gave me a quick hug.

    We dropped his suitcases at his hotel and I waited while he changed. His body clock said 5 a.m. so he was tired and hungry. During an enjoyable light dinner with good conversation, we periodically touched and held hands, as we had walking to the restaurant. After dinner, he announced he was tired so we walked back to his hotel.

    As we hugged goodbye, he suddenly got a burst of energy. He started kissing and caressing me like a starving man at an all-you-can-eat buffet who voraciously fills his plate to overflowing as if he’ll never eat again. It was as if someone had announced “Let the grope-fest begin!” I quickly extricated myself as I knew where the one-way grab-train was heading and I wanted off at the next station.

    So what happened? How did he go from gentleman to masher in a few minutes? Did I give off unintended signals that I was easy? What happened to decorum on the first date? What happened to respect? Did he think that his air fare and hotel costs entitled him to sex? Did he really expect that I would sleep with him within hours of meeting him? Was he used to that from other women, or was I just so luscious he couldn’t control himself? I doubt either was the case.

    I was disappointed that I had to fight him off. I didn’t see it coming.

     

    “Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.” —Mae West

    We saw each other for a few hours the next day before his flight home. He was back to being a gentleman, albeit an affectionate one. He says he’ll return in a month for a longer visit, staying in the same hotel. So at least he doesn’t assume he’ll stay with me. Before he buys his ticket, we will discuss expectations. If he expects to fly 2000 miles for sex, he shouldn’t bother. For the same price he could get a high-priced call girl.

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  • “Sex: A Man’s Guide”

    I thought this posting would pique your interest!

    But, since mostly women read this blog, why am I writing about men’s sex?

    When I began to put my toe in the dating water, I realized I had been intimate with only man in the past 20 years. I wondered what might have changed. What should I be aware of that I didn’t need to worry about much with pre-marriage intimacy in the ’70s and ’80s? For example, I knew virtually nothing about STDs and decided I should educate myself.

    At my library’s book sale Sex: A Man’s Guide jumped out at me. Nearly literally. A friend shopping with me pulled it from the piles and said I needed it. I flipped through it and agreed. I figured I should know what guys know — or at least should know. I read the 478 pages in one sitting — then had to take a cold shower.

    It was so informative I decided to make it my coffee table book. It is quite a conversation piece, with dinner party guests taking turns reading aloud especially, uh, “interesting” parts.

    I decided it would be a great test for gentleman callers. I toyed with putting Post It Notes peeking out from particular pages on how to please a woman. Then I could later see if he had done his homework. I considered leaving the book on the coffee table, putting a hair on the cover before a guy came over, then excusing myself, and later seeing if he’d picked it up. That’s an old detective trick — I’d know because the hair would be gone.

    It turned out that most guys, pals as well as suitors, were interested in it immediately. Some asked why I had it, however most didn’t. But they weren’t turning to the parts I wanted them to. They turned to “prostate problems,” “erectile dysfunction,” and “male G-spot.” Drat! My plan did not go as I imagined.

    Still, it is a good read. Just make sure you have enough cold water for a shower afterward.

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  • Anticipating a big date is like awaiting Santa

    Sexy santaTonight I’m meeting a man with whom I’ve been communicating for a month, with nearly daily hour-long phone calls. I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve, unsettled with the excitement of what Santa will bring. Do you remember that feeling of joyous anticipation as you await a big event?

    Will the electricity be as great in person as it has been on the phone? Will he look like his pictures? What if he doesn’t like how I look? What if I don’t like the real-life version as much as I’ve like the virtual version? Will it be better than I imagine or worse?

    It takes will power not to build up impossible expectations, which lead to inevitable disappointments. Trying to be Zen, “Whatever is is,” feels unattainable. Singing “Whatever will be will be,” trite.

    Why is this meeting so different than previous first encounters? First, we’ve connected deeply for a month, talking about things that matter: goals, fears, feelings, accomplishments, mistakes, regrets. This creates pent-up expectations. Second, this man has behaved differently than any of his predecessors. In fact, he’s so unlike any of the others, I waived my “locals only” rule since he lives 2000 miles away. How will we ever develop a relationship long distance? How can that possibly work? Yet I know that if two people want something to work, they will be very creative to make it happen.

    So today I wait. I busy myself with work to keep my mind occupied. I’m sure I’ll start getting ready way before I really need to. I don’t want to be rushed. I want to look my best. I don’t want to be stressed with little setbacks — run in the stockings, changing outfits to choose the right one, heavier-than-usual traffic. I want to be relaxed and stress free for this big date. Wouldn’t you?

    I wonder what surprises Santa will bring.

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  • Are you putting your best voice forward?

    Do you know what your voice projects about you to your potential date? Most people don’t. They can’t even stand to listen to their outgoing voice mail. But in the dating game, how you sound is one component of the dance that can either lead the guy to ask you out or beg off.

    Today I talked to a new potential suitor. His picture was cute; his profile expressed intelligence and humor; he was tall. All good things.

    But his voice wasn’t as deep and strong as I like. Is it a deal breaker? No. But it doesn’t add to his allure. However, another man with a Barry-White-type deep, melodious voice earned many dates with me, even though there were other things that weren’t a great fit. I loved hearing him speak and overlooked other imperfections because of it.

    Another man was jovial on the phone, but he mispronounced too many words, even though he had a graduate degree. He also slurred words. If he’d just had some help with diction and enunciation, he would have come across much better. Another’s speech pattern was effeminate. He is intelligent and fun, but when I first heard him on the phone, I wondered if he might be gay. He isn’t. I went out with both, so the voice wasn’t a show stopper. But it did make a difference in their overall attractiveness.

    Men often comment that they like my voice. One said, “I’m so glad you don’t have a high, nasal, or squeaky voice. That would be hard to listen to.” I have worked hard to have a pleasant voice, even suffering through listening to recordings of myself to make improvements.

    You don’t want to sound breathy, as that sounds like you work for a 900 service! I know a woman who answers the phone with a breathy “hel-low,” sounding as if she were the receptionist for a call-girl service, rather than a mid-life mother of teenagers. And she only talks like that until she knows who it is, then she slips into her “normal” tone. The difference feels odd because of the inconsistency. She does, however, have wrong numbers call back just to chat with her! But none have resulted in a date.

    Get some feedback about your voice. If you could improve, get some help from a voice coach. It will not only affect your success in dating, but will probably help you in your job as well.

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  • Dating dilemma — what would you do?

    I am invited to speak on a cruise in 6 weeks. I and a guest will not pay for the cruise, just tips, excursions, and air fare.

    “How great,” you say. “What’s the problem?”

    “I’m considering inviting a guy I just started seeing, assuming we continue to hit it off and I don’t think he would drive me crazy for a week together. But my dilemma is what to do about the costs not covered by the cruise line.”

    “What’s the issue? He’d pay for his own flight, excursions, incidentals, etc., right?” you respond matter-of-factly.

    “Yes. He is getting a free $2000 cruise. Would I suggest he also pick up my incidentals, etc? Something like ‘My speaking covers your cruise. So you can pick up our other related expenses.’ Although he’s well off, that feels greedy. Depending on the excursions it could be $500 to $1500 per person.”

    “You should suggest he pick up his own expenses, and if he offers to pick up yours, great, but don’t suggest or expect it,” you counsel.

    “OK. Here’s where it gets dicey. If the roles were reversed, I’m guessing he’d pick up many of my expenses. And I’d let him pick up some.”

    You are so wise. Write me a comment telling me what you’d do if you were in my place.

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  • The addiction of dating

    Dating can be addicting. Why?

    There is the excitement of the chase. The first emails, the first phone calls, the first meetings. The attention of a man attempting to please you — to woo you. I’m often drawn to a man who says he’s wants to spoil his woman. I like spoiling, don’t you?

    With online dating, there is a steady steam of potential suitors. Men write and tell you they are drawn to you: “You are smart, sexy, beautiful.” Sounds good to me! I can’t help it, I fall for these old lines.

    Guys go out of their way to try to impress you. They (usually) want to make a great first impression, so they are charming (if they know how), chivalrous, engaging. Not all men, of course, but more are at the beginning of the dating cycle.

    When I’ve found myself in between beaus, I’ve feverishly searched various online dating sites looking for potential matches. I’ve violated my own “don’t initiate” rule and emailed interesting guys. To be without my fix of dating (e.g., attention) can be unnerving. You do what you need to do to score a flirty email or coffee date.

    So beware. The dating dance can be habit forming. Watch out if you find yourself constantly searching the dealers (online dating sites), and be careful of doing things you know are not in your best interest (dating a guy you know isn’t a good match) just to get your high.

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  • He makes you laugh — is that enough?

     “We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh.”
    —Agnes Repplier

    Women list the number one thing they want in a guy is “someone who makes me laugh.” While I agree this is important, it is not the over arching criteria on which to base a relationship.

    Yesterday I was contacted by a guy who had emailed me several months ago. I had sent him one of my nice “thanks but no thanks” emails. I couldn’t find his online profile, so wrote back to ask for his handle. Along with his screen name, he sent me this:

    “There are a lot of things missing in my profile that I would like to point out, so since bullet point presentations is what I do on a regular basis, I thought this would give you a better idea of who I am.

    1. My business is doing very well, so I am financially secure. Since all of this terrorist stuff started, they basically leave the drug dealers alone. As a result it would probably be several months before I try to borrow money from you.
    2. I am emotionally available. Ever since I was acquitted of my ex-wife’s death, all of the issues of emotional baggage are safely at the bottom of San Francisco Bay….literally.
    3. I am of upstanding and forthright character. This can be verified by the type of people that are frequently seen around me, judges, attorneys, miscellaneous members of law enforcement and parole officers.
    4. I have been clean and sober for almost six weeks now. Unfortunately I need to admit that I have put on a few pounds since giving up heroin as my diet aid.
    5. I was given a clean bill of health by the instructor of the anger management course that I was required to take (these court ordered things are so annoying). The instructor mentioned that he has never seen such a radical and permanent change in any student ever. Ironically I was punching him when he said that, but you get the general drift of what I’m trying to say.
    6. As a father, I have instilled excellent values into my children. My son was recently arrested and refused to rat out his co-defendants. Even after they offered to let him walk. Makes a father feel proud to see his son living by a code. My daughter has really taken my business sense and gone to a whole new level. She currently has about eight girls working for her. They are doing great. I don’t get to see her as often as I like, do to her business being only legal in Nevada. She has considered moving back to California, but seems to think L.A. is the appropriate place. There appears to be some significant market share since Heidi Fleiss left the business.

    “Ok…so I am trying to make you laugh.”

    Did he make me laugh? Yes. Did I agree to a date? No. There were too many things in his profile that were unappealing that even a great sense of humor couldn’t overcome. However, if there was only one or two things that weren’t a fit, I would have considered it based on his humor and persistence. So humor can tilt the scale in a guy’s favor. But it alone is not enough. Be clear on your criteria and if humor is one item, don’t allow it to overshadow all others.

  • “Pimpin’” — Dating multiple guys

     

    “Save a boyfriend for a rainy day — and another, in case it doesn’t rain.” —Mae West

    I’ve found that successful dating requires juggling several men at once. It is like sales, you have to have a number of prospects in the pipeline. I frequently date several men in the same time period until two of us decide to be exclusive or one of us decides to move on. If you only date one at a time, it takes too long to get the next one in the pipeline.

    When I was explaining this to my teenaged nieces, they said I was “pimpin’.” Now hold your hat — their definition of a pimp was not the same as mine. It merely means dating around. Let’s be clear here that dating around does not mean sleeping around. You can date multiple people and not sleep with any of them. In fact, I’d recommend you not sleep with any of them until you decide to be exclusive and you both agree that means letting go of all the others you’ve been seeing. It is not wise or safe to be a “player.”

    Dating around takes special skills. You have to remember the guy’s name when you’re with him, unlike the time I was halfway through dinner and couldn’t think of my date’s name (it was a first date). I have been told by a guy pal that when a man can’t remember your name on a date, he calls you “sweetie.” You think it’s endearing; he gets off the hook.

    You also have to remember other details that he’s shared, otherwise you’ll ask the same things over again and he’ll think you didn’t pay any attention at all. I’ll share an easy way to track this in another posting.

    You have to have the discipline to not talk about your other guys while on a date. This is déclassé. While you can imply that you are seeing others, don’t throw it in his face. He may think you are slutty.

    But dating around gives you an opportunity to have multiple activity needs met. One likes foreign films, another opera. One likes to hike, another is a tennis buff.

    BTW, he may be dating around, too. Clarify this on the first few dates just to be sure you’re on the same page. When I do this, I always ask if he’s sleeping with anyone. Multiple sex partners increase the risk of STDs. I recommend not sleeping with anyone til you’ve decided to be exclusive, then you both get tested for STDs before going further.

    So dating around has its pros and cons. I find the pros outweigh the cons, and open, honest communication is best if you are going to date others simultaneously.

  • What is sexy?

    “Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.” —Sophia Loren

    In my online profile, I used to describe myself as sexy. I took it out. Why? I realized that while I feel I am sexy, it is totally subjective. What if the guy doesn’t find me sexy? Will he doubt other things I say?

    What is sexiness? To me it is a confidence, a strong sense of self, not arrogance. It doesn’t have to do with body size or shape or facial beauty. I’ve known people who were sexy but not particularly physically attractive. A friend of mine is a burn victim, having scars over most of his body, including his face. Yet he is a babe magnet. I rarely see him without a beautiful woman — or several — surrounding him. He’s been married three times!

    Do you think you are sexy? If so, do you allow it to show? Do you wear clothes that show off the best parts of your body without looking slutty? Do you smile, flirt and play with men? Does your walk show confidence? Do you put your best foot forward in public? These all contribute to that mysterious “sexiness.”

    What do you think is sexy in men? I am partial to easy smiles, long-sleeved shirts with the sleeves rolled up, a great fitting suit with an impeccably tied tie (small knot), goatees, good posture, a tuft of chest hair peeking out of an open-collared neckline, intelligence, humor, kindness, strong biceps and chivalry. I once went out with a man because a pic in his profile showed him with a great smile and biceps the size of my thighs. (OK, nothing is as big as my thighs, but you get the picture. Unfortunately, the in-person version was not as enticing as the picture.)

    Describe what you think is sexy. This is not all the attributes of your perfect mate, but what you find sexy. If it is personified in Richard Gere, Taye Diggs, or Tom Cruise, what is it that makes them sexy to you? When you articulate it clearly, it will be easier to spot. Don’t cop out with “I know it when I see it.”

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  • Getting naked with him the first time

    “According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.” –Robert De Niro

    Many mid-life singles haven’t been intimate with someone other than their long-term mate for a long time. A common concern is that your body is not the same as it was when you were younger. You have what Bridget Jones called “wobbly bits.” So the prospect of getting undressed with someone is unnerving. So much so, that it may prevent you from putting your toe in the dating pool.

    Hopefully, you don’t choose to become intimate with someone until you have dated him for a while. At that point, it is really a moot point because he will have seen you in different attire so knows your body’s pros and cons and will love you for you, and not focus on your less-than-perfect body parts. As one male pal put it, “When you’re naked we know we’re going to get sex, so we don’t focus on any imperfection. We’re just very happy!”

    My first post-marriage naked experience was with a man I’d been dating for a while. He was 100 pounds overweight so I had little concern he’d judge my larger-than-normal bumps and curves. I was right. In fact, I learned that some men love women who are, as one friend put it, “umpa lumpa.”

    If a man criticizes you when you are unclothed, that is a good sign he is not the right man for you. Even if you are not happy with your body, he should have the good sense to shut up, even if you are complaining about your stretch marks, cellulite, chubby thighs, etc.

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