Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Are you ready for Mr. Great?

  • Dating as networking

    I’ve been pleased to meet some wonderful men in my dating adventures. Sometimes I’ve been able to connect them to others in my life.

    A year ago I had one date with a charming, educated, articulate man who consults on doing business in Africa. We kept in contact after the date, even though he lived 3000 miles away. A few months later a colleague told me she was looking for a CEO for a new company to do work in Africa. I connected them and he interviewed for the job.

    Also a year ago, I had one date with a man who helps third-world entrepreneurs obtain micro loans. When he focuses on Africa, I’ll connect them. In fact, I’ve become involved in his non-profit even though we’re not dating anymore.

    I dated an interesting, intelligent man a number of times early in my dating career. He is in my same industry. We stayed in touch, have lunch periodically, and now we regularly bounce ideas off each other.

    However, don’t expect it to always work. I had one date with a man who owned a roofing company. When I needed a new roof last fall I called him to see if he would give me a bid. Unlike the other roofers I called, he quoted me $100 to give me a bid! I passed. Obviously, having had a drink with him earned me no special treatment.

    So even if it doesn’t work out romantically, you are expanding your network! You never know when this will be of value.

  • Do you have the right datewear?

    Do you have the right clothes to wear on dates — datewear? I think it’s especially important to have the right kind of attire for the first meeting. You know how important first impressions are — and how you dress says a lot about you.

    I’ve had dates show up in unironed shirts and dirty jeans. Yuck! I don’t expect him to wear an Armani suit on the first meeting — just on the second date. Just kidding. I do expect him to make some effort to look nice, just as I do. In fact, unless we are going to garage sales, the beach or hiking, I expect him to show that he cares about how he looks.

    So what to wear? If you haven’t dated in a while you may have to buy some datewear. This is tops, slacks or skirts that are somewhat casual, but are flattering and current. Your old jeans and t-shirt just won’t do, unless you want to attract a man who wears old jeans and t-shirts too, or you have a killer body and look great in jeans and t-shirts. Most of us don’t.

    You don’t want tops that are too tight or too revealing. I call cleavage-plunging tops “slutwear.” You might show just a hint of cleavage, but don’t go all Pamela Anderson unless you’re a starlet. Your date will think you are loose, even though cleavage is now considered an accessory.

    You may need to get new jewelry, belts and shoes if all you have is workwear and sweat clothes. If you have trouble pulling it all together, ask a stylish friend to help you, or make an appointment with a Macy’s personal shopper. You really only need one or two outfits. You will be meeting a lot of guys for first dates, fewer for second, and even fewer for third dates.

    Think about how you want to be perceived — approachable, confident, vulnerable, sexy. You only get one chance to cement that first image in his mind, so it’s important to be strategic. I often wear a casual skirt on the first meeting, as I think it’s more flattering on me than slacks. What do you look best in? Make sure it’s clean, ironed and ready to knock ’em off his feet!

  • They come, they go

    When a friend asks about a potential suitor I’ve talked about but is no longer around, they seem surprised when I say “He’s gone. They come, they go.”

    This is how it is in the dating world. You see someone a few times, then they lose interest or move on, but don’t bother to tell you what’s going on. I’ve learned not to take it personally; it just isn’t a good match, even if I thought it might be worth more exploration.

    I try to practice (but am not always good at) the Zen concept of non-attachment. I enjoy the time I am with someone, and if we continue to see each other and we’re both enjoying it, great. But if one of us decides it isn’t a good match, then fine. It truly isn’t a good match unless both people feel so. I work hard not to leave a guy hanging, so will either tell him personally, or if we’ve only met once, through an email. However, I find many, many guys just do a David Copperfield — they vanish.

    I may write him an email if I am interested in staying in touch, but I most likely won’t call. I figure he’s moved on. He knows how to contact me and if he’s drawn to do so, he will. But I send a nice email to let him know I figure he thinks it isn’t a match and if he’d like to reconnect at some time, he’s welcomed to do so. Some guys think if too much time has passed, they are embarrassed at trying to rekindle a relationship, so I want him to know the door is open, even if just as pals.

    It can be hard to practice non-attachment if you are strongly drawn to someone. But if you become too attached too early, it leads to demanding, needy, controlling, jealous behavior — which will drive the subject of your desire to leave in a flash. So just enjoy what you have and you will, in fact, be more appealing. He will want to be around you because you have no expectations that he will call the next day or take you out the next weekend. It actually makes him want to be with you more.

    But if he disappears, don’t hunt him down. Just know he wasn’t a good match for you and say what I’ve said very, very often: “Next!”

  • Flirt your heart out

    “Flirt — a girl whose favorite man is the next one.” —Anonymous

    After spending the day together shopping and dining, a friend told me she marveled at my ability to flirt and said I should teach classes on flirting!

    I hadn’t really thought about it until she said it. Yes, I am friendly, I smile at both men and women, and I say positive things to men. And sometimes I more overtly flirt.

    Take yesterday. I was traveling and commented on the skycap’s Southern accent. “Where’s your accent from?”

    “Texas, ma’am.”

    “You don’t sound like you’re from Texas. You don’t have that twang.”

    “Thank you, ma’am. I hate my accent and have been trying to lose it for years.”

    “Oh, no. It’s charming. No need to lose it.” I smiled.

    Big smile: “You just made my day.”

    “I’m glad. By the way, is Tommy still here? He had braids and his son was also a skycap.”

    “I’ve worked here for many years and don’t know a Tommy. However, my son used to work here and I had braids until recently. My son is now in college.”

    “You don’t look old enough to have a son in college.” I smiled again.

    Big smile: “Wow! You’ve made my week now! Thank you very much. I hope you have a great trip.”

    With that, I walked away and we both had smiles on our faces.

    Did it cost me anything to say what I said? No. Was I lying? No, nothing I said was a lie. Did I want anything from him? No. Did it make him feel better? Absolutely!

    So if you don’t already, practice flirting. Now don’t flirt with coupled men who you think will misinterpret it. I flirt with my gal pals’ husbands in front of them. But I include them in the flirt: “Annie, you really scored snagging such a cute husband.” “Laura, your hubby is so buff how do you keep your hands off him?” “Sharon, you must be so proud to have such a successful husband.”

    Practice on waiters. Two gal pals and I were being seated by the waiter who said “And here is a special table for three beautiful women.” I responded, “And we get to be waited on by a handsome waiter.” Was he handsome? Not really. But he started it! I just wanted to continue the theme. I doubt that many women told him he was handsome. Did it cost me anything? No. And we got the best service ever — plus he comped us dessert!

    So flirt with abandon with strangers. Practice with flight attendants, waiters, hotel staff, anyone who you feel won’t think you mean more. It’s fun. It will make their day, and yours, and when it comes time to flirt with someone who interests you, you’ll feel comfortable, not nervous.

  • In search of the elusive good kisser

     

     

    “A man’s kiss is his signature. ” —Mae West

    I’ve been surprised by the lack of good kissers in my dating adventures. Granted, sometimes it takes a while to actually get a romantic kiss — if ever. It took 6 dates with one guy before I got a “real” kiss — something beyond a peck. On the other hand, several men have greeted me with a deep kiss as if we’d been dating for a while. The latter is not my preference. I like to get to know someone and be drawn to him before I want to explore further, if you know what I mean.

    Two men have told me they are planning on kissing me upon meeting. This does take some of the anxiety out of “will he kiss me?” — sometimes it seems premature.

    Several stopped me while we were walking to plant the first kiss. Another, charmingly leaned over when he arose mid-meal to go to the men’s room, “I need a little kiss to tide me over while I’m away from you.” It was cute and worked to get me to hang out with him more.

    “Whoever named it ‘necking’ was a poor judge of anatomy.” —Groucho Marx

    On thing I’ve noticed is if a man says in his profile that he’s a good kisser, he often is not. With only one exception everyone who said he was a good kisser actually wasn’t.

    In fact, if his profile says he is handsome, he often is not. I’ve sometimes wanted to ask “Who, besides your mother, has told you that you were handsome?” If he says he is a gentleman, he may think nothing of trying to bed you on a first date. And if he says he’s a great lover, well, let’s just say I don’t let those guys prove their claim.

    So I’m surprised that men in middle age don’t know how to kiss better. One man I dated for six months was too much too fast, no kissing foreplay. Another was so sloppy I needed a napkin afterward. I could go on and on. I’ve been tempted to dog-ear the kissing section in “Mars and Venus in the Bedroom” for some suitors and put it in a place I know he’ll see it.

    A friend pointed out that perhaps other women have liked how these guys kissed. Or maybe they’ve just never had feedback. How do you say to someone “You aren’t a good kisser”? That’s like saying “You aren’t a good lover.” I’ve tried modifying their behavior by giving them positive feedback on the parts I like: “I love it when you nibble on my lips,” or “I love the anticipation of our kisses when you kiss my face first.” Some learn. Others don’t.

    I must admit I’ve hung out with some gentleman callers longer than I should have if they were good kissers. It’s an elusive — but I hope not dying — art.

  • Paris — right invitation, wrong guy

    I’ve been invited to Paris by two guys. In fact, one guy asked me twice, 15 months apart, and I wasn’t even dating him the second time. And I had never dated the other guy.

    I did not accept the invitations.

    Why?

    The first time, with the twice-asker, I had just been dating him a few weeks. On the third date, in early Dec., he said “Would you like to spend New Year’s in Paris?” Duh! Of course! However, at that late date there were no flights that would get us there and back in time for an unchangeable commitment I had.

    The second invitation came from a colleague who has flirted with me — and I back — for years. He was going to Paris next month and would I like to join him? While the invitation was enticing to accompany someone who visited Paris often so would know where to go and what to see, I’m not that fond of him enough to pal around with him for days on end. He can have a grating personality that can get old fast. Although I’d insist on separate rooms, he can be forceful and I didn’t want to spend a week fending him off.

    The third invitation came when I spent the evening with my old beau at a bar with some of his friends. They were organizing a cruise through Europe with a week in Paris. He asked “Do you want to come with me?” While I’d love to go, I knew that to go as friends would be problematic. He’d want to spend the days together — and would probably try to spend at least one night. While I like him in short spurts, he is hard to take in long spells. And he’d insist on paying for dinners, etc., even if I tried to pay for my own. Then I’m afraid I’d feel obligated to spend more time with him than I’d enjoy.

    One friend said “Why not just go and enjoy it? He even offered to pay!”

    Because if I did, I’d be sending mixed signals, one that I just want to be friends, and secondly that if I accept his generosity, he’ll expect certain boyfriend privileges. I’m not willing to do that. That is akin to being a prostitute in my mind.

    So the bottom line is: no Paris with these guys. But I like that the invitations were offered, so when I’ve found Mr. Right and he asks, I’ll say yes for the right reasons. Don’t sell out your principles just for an exotic trip.

  • What is the definition of a date?

    I went to the movie yesterday with a guy I’d had a lunch date with a year ago. When I told a friend about this, I said, “I don’t know it was a date or not.”

    “Did he ask you to the movie?”

    “I don’t recall. We talked a few weeks ago and the movie came up and one of us said it would be fun to go together and talk about it afterwards.”

    “Did he pay?”

    “Yes, when I arrived at the theater he was already there and had bought the tickets.”

    “Did you go somewhere afterwards?”

    “No, we just stood in the parking lot for a half-hour and talked.”

    “Was there physical contact?”

    “Just a hug hello and goodbye.”

    “Are you interested in him and he in you?”

    “I’m not sure. I like his mind, but I’m not drawn to him physically. I’m not sure what he thinks of me.”

    Was it a date? Who knows?

    Commonly, dates are meetings in which you are exploring if you might be a good romantic match. So is meeting for coffee a date? Most likely. Is lunch a date? Probably. Is dinner a date? Nearly always.

    One man told me that his definition of dating was when you had met a person a few times and both decided you wanted to pursue a relationship. Others feel that just meeting and getting to know each other is dating.

    The bottom line is, who cares what it’s called. Just get out there and do it!

  • Double standards

    I was lamenting — OK, complaining — to a male friend the other day about how men have double standards. They want someone who is “slim, fit, athletic, toned” when they themselves have not seen the inside of a gym or done any physical activity for years. I am always surprised when I meet a man who has described himself as “athletic” or “toned” and he is 40 pounds overweight.

    However, he doesn’t want a woman who is overweight. Let me ask you, how many middle-aged people do you know who don’t carry some extra weight? And how many women who have birthed children don’t carry some lingering weight, even if their kids are now adults?

    As I ranted, I realized I, too, have double standards. While I have gone with men who were 40, 50, and 100 pounds overweight, I realized I am weightist. I have a second date with a great guy in a few days, but I admit I’m not physically attracted to him. Why? Because he’s 80-100 pounds overweight. He’s charming, educated, accomplished, fun, but I just can’t see myself in a lip-lock with him. I am who I complain about!

    The opposite double standards can also apply in that a non-college-educated woman can desire only a college-educated man. Or a woman who doesn’t make a lot of money can want a man who does. Double standards abound. The question for you is “Am I setting a standard I don’t myself match? If so, why?”

  • You are (probably) more attractive than you think you are!

    It seems that people have a mismatch on their expectation of attractiveness. The stereotype is that a man wants (and often gets) a woman who is much more attractive than he is. Women often put money, status, demeanor and sense of humor ahead of attractiveness, when looks are often at or near the top of the “must haves” for men.

    In college I duplicated a study matching couples by attractiveness. I took the pictures of 10 long-term couples from my high-school yearbook and had subjects rate the attractiveness of all 20 people. Then I had them put together couples who seemed to go together. While few people matched the true couples, they did match approximate attractiveness levels. So those rated 8-10 (10 being high) were put together, as were the 5-7s, 4-6s, etc.

    So why do men who would be rated a 6 seem to think they can get a woman who’s an 8? They think they’re “all that” when really they’re so so. Because the woman only thinks she’s a 5, 6, or 7.

    In a recent study, school children were asked what kind of student they were. The girls consistently rated themselves lower than the boys rated themselves. An A-student girl said she was a B or B+ student. A B-student boy said he was an A student. So girls and boys have a skewed image of themselves, with boys thinking more highly of themselves than warranted, and girls thinking lower of themselves.

    So women (generally) think they aren’t as attractive or as desirable as independent raters would assess them.

    How would you rate yourself? Whatever the number, bump it a bit. You’re no doubt a better catch than you think yourself to be!

  • Be careful of being smitten

    As I was enthusiastically describing to a friend my fondness for my newest gentleman caller, she asked “Are you smitten?” I pondered, then replied, “No, enamored.” We then discussed the difference.

    The dictionary describes smitten as “To affect sharply with great feeling; marked by foolish or unreasoning fondness.” Enamored: “To inspire with love; captivate.”

    “Smitten” seems school-girlish, a giggly crush; all reasonableness vanishes. When I’m smitten I ignore glaring red flags that say “Warning, Will Robinson. This is not a good match.” When I think back on my smitten experiences, none of them have been good choices, but something strong pulled me in. When you are smitten, you put your good sense on the back burner and do spontaneous — and sometimes stupid — things.

    “Enamored” feels more grounded, more mature, longer lasting. I still think about him throughout the day, look forward to our talks, am strongly fond of him. But I also know his foibles and have decided they aren’t deal breakers.

    So if you find yourself caught up quickly in romance, feeling swept away, intoxicated, and hearing yourself say “I’ve never done this/felt this way before,” enjoy the spontaneity and excitement, but put the brakes on before you do something you’ll regret.

  • What do men look at in your profile?

    Yesterday a dating friend told me what he thinks men look for in women’s profiles. First, your picture. If he likes your face, he’ll look for one that shows your body. If he likes your body type, he’ll read more. After body, he looks for height, as he likes taller women. Then he’ll look at age and what the woman says she wants. If she wants kids or if she has little kids, he moves on.

    He asked me what women look for. I told him what I look for, as I really can’t say what other women look for. I first look at height, age, then at the photos. I look to see if he’s got kids at home (not optimal for me), if he lives alone or with roommates (I’m not fond of roommate situations), then how he expresses himself. If he is articulate and ideally funny, doesn’t have more than a few typos, and has made the effort to write more than a few lines, I continue. I then look at education, although I’ve met some great guys who didn’t graduate college. I also look at occupation, income, and his lifestyle.

    I look at what he’s looking for. If he wants someone younger, shorter and thinner than me, I know we’re probably not a good match. However, if he’s contacted me, I will respond if he sounds interesting.

    My friend told me that when men read profiles they are basically asking “Could I make her happy?” So if she has a jet-setting lifestyle and he’s a couch potato, he passes. Or if she loves opera and the symphony and he’s a hard rock guy, then he moves on. So when you write your profile, answer the question that’s on the guys mind: “What does she want to make her happy?” Your writing will be more captivating that way.