Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Are you ready for Mr. Great?

  • Using Angel Cards in dating

    At the risk of your thinking I’m too woo-woo (I am woo-woo, but balance it with pragmatism), I want to suggest you consider using Angel Cards as part of your dating experience. It is a bit over the top woo-woo to suggest you use them as a predictive tool, but you can use them as a focuser. Let me explain.

    Angel Card bookIf you are unfamiliar with Angel Cards, they are 52 small, .75-inch by 2.25-inch cards, each with one or two thought-provoking words and an illustration. There is even a book The Angel Cards Book: Inspirational Messages & Meditations which includes the cards, or you can buy the card pack separately. You can also go online and click to get a virtual card each day.

    I’ve used them in dating several ways. First, I’ve pulled a card from the box each morning and noticed how the embodiment of that word showed up for me that day. If I had a date set up for that day, I noticed how that word appeared for me before, during or after the date. Not that the word itself had to be spoken by me or my date, but just my thoughts or observations on the word’s meaning.

    I just pulled a card from the deck to give you an example. “Obedience” appeared. “Yuck” was my first response. I’m not fond of being obedient to anyone. And I’m not drawn to someone who’s obedient to me without some independent thought and discussion. So I looked up the definition: “compliance with someone’s wishes or orders or acknowledgment of their authority.” I can get on board with the first part, “compliance with someone’s wishes,” as long as it’s mutual. I think part of what makes a relationship work is the desire to give someone what s/he wants.

    So while I don’t have a date today, I use the word pulled from the Angel Card deck to explore my feelings about the word and how it applies to relationships.

    The second way I’ve used Angel Cards is to pull a card with the guy I’m dating, assuming he doesn’t think it’s silly. We can then each discuss what the word means to us specific to relationships, or to life. We can notice how the meaning of the word shows up for us that day and discuss it before we say goodnight. It’s a fun way to focus your thoughts on one concept per day.

    My most interesting experience with Angel Cards was during the next-to-last mediation session during my divorce. The mediator was a bit woo-woo, which is one of the reasons we chose her. I had been having a terrible time during the mediations, mostly crying during each two-hour session. I felt betrayed with this surprise divorce and my ex’s self-absorption and what I considered selfishness. I was having trouble adjusting to suddenly having the man I thought was my soul mate just a few months before now being my adversary in negotiating the settlement.

    Freedom Angel cardWhile my ex was out of the room and she and I were killing time chatting, she pulled out her Angel Card deck and had me pick a card with my eyes closed. Imagine my shock and eventual delight when I pulled the card exclaiming “Freedom.” It immediately hit me that this divorce would give me a freedom I hadn’t had in 20 years. A freedom to do whatever I wanted, to live however and wherever I wanted. Something I hadn’t had during the marriage because I was always considering him in the decisions. Now I was free of that burden. It helped shift my mood and perspective. I still carry that card in my wallet 4 years later to remind me of the gift of that freedom and to remain grateful for it.

    So try using the Angel Cards and tell us what you notice. Go to the aforementioned web site if you don’t want to buy the card deck. But try it every day for at least a week and let us know what happens.

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  • Tips for men

    Male CallIn his column last week, my friend who writes “Male Call” for the San José Mercury News gave practical tips on how men can be more appealing to women.

    At the end of the column he asked women to send their suggestions. Wanting to be a helpful pal, here’s what I sent him, and he even quoted one of these in this week’s column:

    You covered good basic ones, like hygiene, tipping and making an effort.

    Most men would be amazed how easy it is to melt many women’s hearts. Often it’s a lot of little things that make her go gaga over him. Granted, my focus is on midlife dating but I think these work no matter what age. I’d add:

    • Chivalry — it really does go a long way with many (most?) women. While some will bark at you that she can open her own door, damnit, most will be gracious about it. It shows you have some manners. Speaking of which…
    • Brush up on manners. It wouldn’t kill you to actually read an etiquette book or, heaven forbid, take a class. There are classes built around etiquette for business so you wouldn’t be humiliated to enroll, but will still learn which fork to use, how to pass the bread in the basket, not taking out a piece from the basket and handing it to your date, etc. This will pay off bigger dividends than you can imagine, not only with dates but in business.
    • Bring a single rose, ideally not plucked from the bush outside the restaurant, but no need for it to be wrapped from a florist either. However, it is okay if it is snipped from your own rose bush and handed to her. This kind of simple romance goes a long way.
    • Think about what she might like. So even though you love professional baseball, she might prefer a museum, or even a picnic in the park. Not that you should suffer through the opera if you hate it just to make her happy, but try to think of things both of you would like so you can both be happy. Because if she’s happy, good things are in store for you!

    What advice would you add to this list?

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  • The dating profile fudge factor

    I may have led you astray.

    In “You are (probably) more attractive than you think you are!,” I based my comments on the observation that most midlife women I know think of themselves as less attractive than others rate them. And men tend to overstate their attractiveness.

    FreakonomicsBut a study reported in “Freakonomics: A Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything” sets my premise on its ear. The authors, Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner, quote research* conducted by two economists and a psychologist who analyzed how 22,000 active online daters rated their appearance, among other things. They compared these findings to the national average to show that online daters exaggerate.

    Are we surprised? No.

    What is surprising is the amount of the embellishment.

    Just like in Lake Wobegon, where “the women are strong, the men are good looking, and all the children are above average,” so too in the online dating world. But this extraordinariness extends to the appearance of men and women — at least the single adults listing themselves on dating sites.

    Seventy-two percent of the women claimed “above average” looks. Of these, 24% claimed “very good looks.” Men were a tad more modest — 68% rated themselves as “above average,” with 19% of those saying they had “very good looks.” Are we to surmise that single people — at least those listed on dating sites — are better looking than the general population? While many singles go out of their way to have makeovers, lose weight, and work out, are we to believe that 19-24% of these 22,000 people are very good looking? Doubtful.

    Only about 30% marked “average” in the appearance box, and 1% choose “less than average” looks.

    So people are a bit delusional about how their looks compare to others, or they are concerned that if they put “average” no one will want to meet them. But isn’t that what pictures are for?

    Both genders listed heights averaging 1 inch taller than the national average. Men’s weight was congruent with the national average, while women reported their weight as 20 pounds less than the national average. One can understand this as men are penalized for being short, and women for being fat. My experience is that most women wouldn’t notice an inch of height on a man, and most men don’t really know what women weigh, but they have a sense that women should weigh less than 125 pounds. They don’t realize that sex symbols like Mariah Carey and Tyra Banks weigh 150-160, and that number sounds like someone who’s fat.

    The embellishment continues. Four percent of the online daters say they earn more than $200,000 a year, but only one percent of typical Internet users earn that much. Are successful people more likely to engage in online dating? Probably not. More of them are likely to use a matchmaker for a finding a partner. Are they greatly exaggerating? Yep.

    So what do we make of this information? You have likely already figured out to take what people say in their profiles with a grain of salt. Last week I went out with a man who claimed to be 6-feet tall, but with my 2-inch heels on my 5-foot-10 frame I was at least an inch taller.

    Are you justified in stretching the truth to get more responses? If you are like 21% of the women in the study and get no responses to your profile, you may be tempted to fudge — post a younger picture, shave off a few years, say you’re slender when you carry 25 extra pounds. (BTW, the report didn’t say how long the people in the study had been listed on the site. But for some perspective, 56% of the men didn’t get one email.)

    My advice: Don’t fudge. Today I got a wink from a 53-year old man who admits to stating he’s 51 in the demographics section in order to get more responses. Does he really think 2 years is going to make a big difference? However, duplicity does. What else might he be stretching the truth about? “Divorced” really means “separated” or worse “married in a loveless relationship but we stay together for the kids”?

    * “What Makes You Click? — Mate Preferences and Matching Outcomes in Online Dating” by Günter J. Hitsch, Ali Hortaçsu and Dan Ariely

  • What to wear to build rapport?

    I have a date with a new guy tonight — an advertising agency owner who lives in a nearby laid-back resort town. We had a fun, interesting first conversation two days ago and he asked me to join him for dinner at a midrange restaurant.

    Now I must figure out what to wear.

    I think women fret about this more than men. While some men may consciously choose to wear a shirt they’ve been told looks good on them or brings out their eyes, I think many don’t give a lot of thought to what they’ll wear on a first date. They may debate to don a sports coat or not, or take off a tie if coming from work.

    But women seem to be more conscious of what messages they send off with what clothing. I don’t mean to imply that a lot of women obsess about their attire, but I think most put some focus on what impression they want to give and which clothing will telegraph that message.

    So I look through the closet. I want to choose something that is fun and flirty, but not too revealing. I know cleavage is now considered an accessory, but I don’t want to send the wrong message on a first date. Since my date is in advertising, he’d probably appreciate something more fashion forward and colorful than a drab conservative look.

    Do you do this? Do you try to match your attire not only to the venue, but to the man? And of course, it has to be congruent with who you are.

    Why not wear whatever you darned well feel like, no matter what you know about the man? Why try to wear something that you think he’ll find appealing and similar to the style you think he’d find comfortable?

    The answer: to build rapport quickly. To begin the evening, and perhaps the relationship, without friction. We know men are visual. How you look helps set the tone for the evening. Of course, how you both act and what you both say play a huge part.

    In college I took a psychology course on Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP). A mouthful, I know. The concepts were initially developed to help therapists build rapport quickly with patients so they would relax and not hold back expressing their thoughts. The work has now been adapted and taught to help people build rapport with others, whether in personal relationships or for business.

    One of the key tenets of NLP is to initially match the behaviors and language of the person with whom you are speaking. While I find this can easily be overdone and seem almost mocking and manipulative, done subtly it does get people to open up and relax. So my theory of wearing clothing that my date would find to his taste fits into this matching practice. While I clearly want to be myself, I also know the importance — especially on a first date — of building rapport.

    How do you strategically choose to build rapport? Do you plan your outfit based on wanting to look and feel good, as well as taking what you know about your date into consideration? What factors do you consider as you plan your “look” — especially for a first date?

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  • Timing is everything

    You know the old adage that the secret to comedy is timing? The same is true in dating.

    We seek the mate of our dreams. So we date. And we date. And we date.

    We get frustrated. “Why can’t I find a great guy?” we ask ourselves. We get tired of going out on dates that go nowhere. Maybe we get bitter.

    You have to ask yourself if you believe a great guy for you is out there. “Yes,” you respond.

    You ask if he’s looking for you. “Yes. Unless he’s currently married. Then he’d have to get divorced, then find me.”

    Can you speed up the process? No. You don’t know when or where you’ll meet. But you’re certain you will meet. You don’t know if it’s today, next week, or next year.

    You have a choice. You can get frustrated and perhaps bitter about something you can’t control. Or you could enjoy the process and relax. Meet interesting men, as you never know if the next one is your guy. Notice the positive characteristics in the guys who aren’t a match for you. Ignore and forgive the ones who don’t have the social graces to exit thoughtfully or treat you right.

    And have faith that when the time is right you will meet your guy. He’s very likely looking for you as hard as you are looking for him.

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  • Conflicting dating advice

    Do you experience conflicting dating advice from relationship “experts” and/or savvy friends? I do. While I share my insights, lessons and yes, sometimes advice on this blog, there are many issues about dating I’m still figuring out.

    A current dilemma is around whether to cook for a potential suitor I had several dates with many months ago. Some time ago he did me a giant favor and I offered to cook him dinner to show my gratitude. He declined at the time saying I didn’t have to do that. Now, many months later, with no communication in between, he emails “You still owe me dinner.” While I’d love to see him, I’m not feeling as beholden as I did when the offer was tendered, and am a little miffed that he hasn’t communicated a peep in the interim months. I’m not really feeling I want to knock myself out cooking for him, but I would like to see him.

    If you believe Why Men Love Bitches, you would cook nearly never for a guy you’re dating, as you don’t want to be seen in a mother role. Contrast that with the counsel of a wise friend who’s taken courses on understanding men. She reiterates the old adage about the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach and that cooking is just the thing to endear a guy to you. As long, of course, that you wear something appealing if not sexy, and not your mother’s apron and baggy dress.

    And others on the “cook for him” side of the ledger would say if he’s taken you out to dinner several times, you reciprocate by cooking for him. But the “don’t cook” argument would be led by the “don’t try to even the score” aficionados. A friend says offer a picnic with deli sandwiches or a take out meal, but I know he grows weary of store-bought food.

    Another quandary I face is a man I haven’t seen in a year nor talked to in seven months wants to see me again. When he went poof he had a very busy travel schedule and was only home 2 days/month for the several months we were in contact after we had 3 very good dates.

    He’s Just Not That Into You argues that if a guy is into you, he’ll find 5 minutes to call and say “hi” several times a week, even when he’s on the road. This guy didn’t so I assumed he must not be into me enough to call. He told me that he often worked 16-hour days on the road and didn’t call his mother or grown kids either, so if I wanted to talk to him, just call. This didn’t feel right to me, so after calling him a few times I stopped.

    However, my aforementioned friend says that men compartmentalize, focus, and don’t multitask as well as women. So it could very likely be true that this guy didn’t think of anything else but work when he was away. And when he was home the few days a month, he had other issues to attend to.

    Sounds like the excuses women make for men in He’s Just Not That Into You.

    So which advice do you listen to? Ideally, you listen to the various input, then try to separate your rationalizations from your gut feelings. However, even your gut can be swayed by your heart, which can be coerced because of longing or loneliness to interpret signs the way you want to see them.

    And where is the line between trying to truly understand and respond to how men think, and playing games to manipulate them to do what you want? Where’s the division between being honest and direct with your needs and desires vs. not sending him running with your straightforwardness?

    I wish I had advice for you on this issue. This is one time I have more questions than answers. How do you sort out conflicting advice?

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  • The strong vs. nice woman debate

    Why Men Love BitchesWhy Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl — A Woman’s Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship by Sherry Argov

    First, let me allow the author to explain the title, as it is somewhat off putting to those of us who don’t relish being referred to as bitches. Argov writes “I’m not recommending that a woman have an abrasive disposition. The woman I’m describing is kind yet strong. She doesn’t give up her life, and she won’t chase a man.” Of course, Why Men Love Confident Women wouldn’t have garnered the same kind of press, so she went with a more sensational title.

    I agree with some of what she says. I saw myself both as a strong woman standing up for myself, as well as a “nice” woman who has allowed myself in the past to get taken for granted.

    Other advice was the opposite of my values. For example, she advocates being “dumb like a fox.” I read this chapter as how to play games. You don’t tell the man directly what you want or are upset about, you show it by your actions. For example, the man you’re dating calls you at 10 p.m. to say he misses you and wants you to come over and cuddle. You are irritated that he wants you to drive to his place for a booty call. But do you say that? No. That would be too direct. Instead, you tell him you’re slipping into something sexy and will be over in 5 minutes. Could he wait you outside with an umbrella since it’s raining? (I don’t know why he wouldn’t suggest you bring your own umbrella, but hey, this is Argov’s book.) He waits, and waits, and waits and you don’t arrive. After an hour, it dawns on him you’re not coming and he was being a lout!

    Or to show your live-in beau he can’t control you, you stay out 2 hours after you told him you’d be home, without calling. That is downright rude to me, and I’d be worried sick if someone I cared about was two hours late and didn’t let me know they were okay.

    Her point is that men don’t hear words, they only see actions. They won’t hear that you’re upset with them. They tune it out as if you’re nagging. Isn’t this a tad condescending? It implies all men are uncommunicative and unable to talk about issues openly, honestly and maturely.

    The book was confusing because she says bitches are nice, but nice gals get treated like doormats. But the examples she gave showing when strong women were nice, revealed they were duplicitous and passive aggressive, not saying what they were feeling or wanted.

    I like the general message that you need to be clear on what you want and not change who you are to fit what you think your guy wants. This means don’t give up your gym time, gal pals and other self-care priorities. She says you need to look out for yourself all the time, and the more you do the more appealing you will be to men. The more you acquiesce and change your life to constantly accommodate his preferences, he loses respect for you. Which means he’ll go poof in an instant.

    In “Do men want feisty women?” we discussed that many men like spirited, strong women. When I bounced off the book’s premise to a guy pal I adore, he said, “I don’t think most guys are attracted to strong women. I think they scare the pants off the guys.” I can see it would with some men, but I also know some won’t put up with a dependent woman. The key is to figure out who you are and what you want, then find a way to attract what is a good fit for you.

    What’s your opinion about the book’s teachings? Do you think it is best to not say what you want but show through your actions/inactions?

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  • Belief in a wreath

    flower wreathI recently read about a Lithuanian summer solstice ritual where at midnight unmarried women toss leaf and flower wreaths into rivers. The belief is that their wreath will be pulled out downriver by the man of their dreams.

    Were it this easy to telegraph to the man of our dreams that we are available and awaiting his appearance!

    While I admire their intentions, the execution leaves something to be desired. My romantic nature clashes with my practical side. Too many issues arise for this matchmaking technique to be plausible.

    • This process assumes my future mate can swim, or at least has a long enough pole and sufficient ability to snare my wreath from the river. I have no idea if Lithuanian rivers are fast or slow moving, but if the former, he’d better have some quick reflexes. Since this ritual occurs at midnight, he would have to not be an early sleeper, or else set his alarm to get to the bridge in time to snag my wreath. And unless there are torches or spotlights scanning the river, he’d better have great night vision, something most of the midlife men I’ve dated can’t claim. (Perhaps my dream guy is a much younger one with good eyesight and a strong swim stroke. Hmm. That could be fun.)
    • Mercedes logoHow would he trace my wreath back to me? Would I attach a laminated luggage tag with my cell number or business card? Or would he ride his white horse (better yet, white Mercedes) from upstream village to village holding my bedraggled wreath asking all unmarried-looking women if it was theirs? What would prevent my sisters in singlehood from saying “yes” even though it wasn’t, just to hook him?
    • What if he lived far downstream? Would he have the patience to wait until 1:00 or 2:00 a.m. before he hooked my wreath? If so, then this would be a good portent as he wouldn’t yell when he picked me up for a date and I took a tad longer than expected.

    There are several versions of this Lithuanian ritual. One has single women bathing in the dew (just how would one bathe in dew? Lay out a towel or wash cloth the night before so it was saturated?) or rivers, as they believe on this day bathing in these sources increases one’s beauty. (If this were true, I’m sure Esteé Lauder would be bottling this and selling it as “eau de dew.”) In some places girls wake before dawn to wash in the dew and return to bed hoping to dream of their future husbands. I’m afraid I’d never be able to participate in this version of the ritual as I rarely arise before dawn except to catch a plane, never to catch a man, or even a glimpse of my future one.

    Another version has both men and women floating wreaths with candles on them in the rivers. If the wreaths of a woman and man float together, it is a sign that they will wed. So I’d need to be careful what guys are standing around me as they are most likely to have wreaths that commingle with mine.

    While my cynical nature wants the data on how many Lithuanians have found their life partner this way, if I were in Lithuania on the solstice I would defiantly drop my wreath in the water. I’d hope my guy had good night vision, an accurate snaring arm, and Bond-like sleuthing ability to find me.

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  • If you’re in the public eye, be careful how you behave in dating

    Sometimes I get flummoxed by how people behave. I wonder, “What would motivate someone to…” or “How could they possibly think that this behavior is acceptable… or “Doesn’t she have a clue how this would affect her reputation?”

    I’m even more flummoxed with people’s — okay, men’s — behavior in dating. I’m sure women do bizarre things, but I’m not as privy to those.

    For example, two years ago a nice-looking man kept coming up at the top of my matches on Match.com. After a month, I emailed him a note, mentioning the things we had in common. Nothing. A few months later he comes up as the #1 match on YahooPersonals. I again launched a salvo, different than the first. Over the next year, I sent two or three emails just to see if he’d respond. Nothing.

    real estate signEight months ago, I saw his picture — the same one he used in his online profile — in a Realtor’s ad. He worked 3 blocks from me! Soon after that I was at a friend’s business club. Everyone introduced themselves to the group of 150. I heard his name and thought, “I must introduce myself to him by my online handle and see if he has any memory of my emails.” By the time the introductions were over, he’d left.

    I emailed him a short note, “Sorry we didn’t get to meet at the club” to his office address. I shared non-judgmentally that I’d emailed him from the dating sites, but hadn’t heard back, and that he worked in my neighborhood. He responded perfunctorily.

    Was I being a stalker? Not really. The emails were short and infrequent. It was clear he had no interest in me, but it became a game to see if he would respond. However, the last email told all. It’s easy to ignore someone when you don’t run in the same circles. But I could have easily become a business asset to him if he’d had a more pleasant response to my email. I regularly hear of people wanting to move out of or into my neighborhood. Might he have benefited from another person sending him leads?

    Now whenever I see his ad or sign in a yard, I think, “I’d never refer that guy any business. He doesn’t know the basics about how to treat people.” After all, how hard would it have been for him to respond to any of my dating site emails? Not hard at all. But then when he found out I was at his club and in his area, he could have said something like, “I’m seeing someone right now, so am out of the dating market. But if you’re willing, I’d love to have coffee just to get to know you and see how we might help each others’ businesses.” Networking 101.

    So if your profession puts you in front of the public, know that your actions have repercussions beyond the dating world.

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  • Making the rounds

    woman doctorI feel like a doctor making her hospital rounds checking on patients. But instead of looking in on Mr. Hernandez after his gallbladder surgery, or Mrs. Fukumoto after her hemorrhoid removal, I check on D1ForU, DreamBeau, LoverBoy1951. I go from Match.com to YahooPersonals to Chemistry.com to SoulMate to see if I have any emails or winks. If I’m really curious, I look at those who’ve looked at my profile. I do this daily. Depending on how bored I am, sometimes more than once.

    “Why,” you ask, “don’t you just let the service notify you when you have an email or flirt/wink/ice breaker?”

    Good question. While some, like eHarmony and Chemistry email you immediately upon someone initiating contact, others aren’t as good. It seems there’s a lag in YahooPersonals of up to a day. And for some reason I’ve never received an email from Match telling me someone had made contact, even though I’ve double checked my notification settings.

    “What’s the big deal?” you continue. “So what if a guy has to wait a day or two to hear back from you? It’s not like he’s a customer expecting same-day service.”

    You’re right (which you already knew). In fact, the book The Rules for Online Dating says to always wait 24 hours before responding. So what’s the rush? Perhaps I have my business customer service quick response system embedded in my brain. I know in business often times the first person to respond to an inquiry gets the business. But in dating, if a guy can’t wait a day to hear back from you, there’s something wrong.

    So why spend time making the rounds from one dating site to another to check on messages? It’s a diversion from doing things I don’t want to do. Work. Chores. Exercise.

    There is also a thrill when someone contacts you, even if you have no interest in him. It shows you are desired, even if intellectually you know some men send messages/winks to masses of women to see who will bite. But when you get a message from someone who seems interesting, it’s an adrenaline rush. You’re thrilled. Could this be The One? You are hopeful, mixed with caution.

    It’s that thrill that keeps me going back. Perhaps doctors feel the same thrill when they see their patients are recovering well after their treatment. You see some progress, which is encouraging.

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  • “Why Men Leave Home”

    Why Men Leave HomeLast night I watched the 1951 B-film “Why Men Leave Home.” I found it on the Blockbuster site and was interested to see what messages women were given a half-century ago about beauty and relationships, and how these messages have changed — or not.

    The plot in a nutshell: A “dowdy” woman puts housework ahead of putting out. Her handsome doctor-husband won’t stand for her not performing her wifely duties, so despite a 10-year-old daughter, he leaves her. The wife makes the acquaintance of a Hollywood make-up artist who helps her see that if she doesn’t pretty herself up, hubby’s going to take up with his sexy nurse and divorce her. She sees the error of her ways, the make-up man gives her a make over, and her husband comes back to his now-stunning wife.

    This film is described as “an instructional primer for women regarding how to keep their husbands faithful.”

    Several lessons emerged:

    • If you don’t keep yourself beautiful and sexy, he’ll leave you
    • In addition to household duties, you must regularly perform wifely duties
    • There are always other beautiful women to tempt him
    • Only through the use of heavy make up and stylish hair can you be attractive
    • Having happy children, a clean home, home-cooked meals and a devoted wife is not enough to satisfy a man

    While we have evolved as a society, as I read this list, I’m afraid many of these lessons are still true for many marriages. There are exceptions, of course, but these messages are still engrained in many of our psyches, especially for those over 40.

    What do you think? Have we moved past these 50-year-old clichés? Or are they still embedded in our brains?

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