Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Winning at the online dating game

  • Multi-dating pros and cons

    When I’ve shared with single, dating guy pals that I’m multi-dating they say that there is a double standard. If a guy talked about having dates with multiple women, he’d be chastised and accused of being a player.

    Isn’t the reason for dating to find out who you click with and who you don’t? Sometimes you have to go through a stream of single coffee dates to find someone you want to have a second date with — and who wants to see you again. Is it wrong to have a second date the same week you are having a first date with someone else?

    Date Like a ManIn Date like a Man: What Men Know about Dating and Are Afraid You’ll Find Out authors Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould share that there is nothing wrong with seeing several people at once — as long as you don’t lead them on to thinking they are the only one. Men have been doing this for centuries, and have earned titles like “ladies’ man,” “Casanova,” “playboy,” “Don Juan,” “lover boy,” and “lady killer.” Most of these terms are said with a smile and twinkle, even though some may get some negative feedback, like my male pals mentioned above.

    A woman who multi-dates — let alone hot bunks — is called by different terms: “hussy,” “tart,” “trollop,” “hoochie mama,” “easy,” “floozy,” “tramp,” “tease,” “femme fatale,” “seductress,” “temptress,” “siren,” “enchantress,” “vamp,” “man-eater,” “home wrecker” and the now popular, “ho.” I asked a few friends, and we couldn’t come up with a positive term for a woman who dates around. Perhaps we are ahead of society, so no term has been developed!

    One of the issues with dating multiple men is when to let them know. While it would seem best to tell him even before a face-to-face, it seems awkward.

    Recently, a guy handled this well. In his first email to me he said, “It is only fair for you to know that I am actively dating others. This however does not alter my interest in finding closeness with you, but don’t get mad at me if I don’t propose to you over our first coffee.”

    Since I, too, am dating others, I appreciated his candor. I found it refreshing he was so upfront.

    Another man told me on the first date he was seeing others. Again, I thought he handled it well. He told me he was attracted to me and needed to let me know he was just starting to date after his divorce, so was seeing a few other woman.

    I never lie to a man, but I also don’t like to rub it in his face if I’m seeing others. I drop hints that I am seeing others, and if things heat up, will be explicit then.

    Players date others but not let you know. They would try to hide their involvement, lying and covering up. So you can see others with impunity as long as you are open about it and it is OK with them.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • Being “aggressively single”

    Graham DaviesMy friend British professional speaker Graham Davies describes himself as “aggressively single.” He’s 44 and has a highly successful speaking business in Europe and the US.

    Friends tease me about the number of men I’ve gone out with in the last two years. Often they exclaim, “I haven’t dated that many people in my life!” Well, they found their sweetie quicker than I have, or are happy being unattached. Like Graham, right now I’m being aggressively single.

    What does that mean exactly? For Graham it means he enjoys dating around. He has a Bond mystique. Women flock to him although he’s not classically handsome. He smiles often, flirts easily, is intelligent, funny, quick witted, good mannered and comfortable with himself. Not being GQ beautiful works in his favor — it disarms women’s initial response to a traditionally good-looking man: “He must be a player.”

    What does it mean for me? That I’m willing to have coffee with men who meet my criteria, which are, believe it or not, pretty high. When people hear the number of men I’ve gone out with, they naturally assume I will see any man who asks. This is not the case. I turn down all but a small percentage of the requests for a meeting.

    Aggressively single means you meet a lot of people who you discover aren’t a good fit once you have a face-to-face. You have to be willing to continue going back in the pool, even if you haven’t found a swimming partner in a while. You have to steel yourself for the disappointments. For every 10 guys I go out with, there’s only a mutual connection with one. You have to realize dating is a numbers game. Some people are lucky and find “the one” after only meeting a handful of people.

    So know that you most likely will have to meet a lot of guys who on paper (in their profile and email) and on the phone seem like they’d be a good match. But when you meet, something critical is missing. (See my observations on this in “Signs that he won’t be asking for a second date” and “First-date red flags that this guy isn’t for you.”)

    Don’t get discouraged. Keep diving into the dating pool!

    Technorati Tags: , , , , , ,

  • He had me from “You’re gorgeous!”

    Jerry McGuireIn “Jerry McGuire,” Renee Zellweger‘s character tells Jerry “You had me from ‘hello.’” Mine was a little different.

    We’d talked a few times on the phone and had nice, but brief, conversations. I wrote about him in “Putting your best voice forward.” I had no idea if I’d be attracted to him or him to me. We agreed to meet at a coffee shop after work.

    He called from a block away, telling me he’d be there in a minute. When he walked in the door, I waived. A giant grin filled his face. He walked toward me, his arms extended for a hug. I embraced the invitation! His first words: “You’re gorgeous!” What a great start!

    He was tall, well dressed, and nice looking, even though he’s bald. Bald is sexy on some men — and it certainly was on him. As the evening progressed, I learned he was funny, intelligent, thoughtful, attentive, chivalrous, insightful, accomplished, humble and well educated.

    We laughed, smiled and shared. We got so engrossed in each other we forgot to order coffee. He asked good, interesting questions and listened intently. After asking “Do you like to be touched?” and I responded “Absolutely!” he reached over and took my hand.

    After 90 minutes, we walked hand-in-hand down the street and listened to the band playing outside. As we swayed to the music he slipped his arm around my waist. He moved it to the back of my neck, which he tenderly stroked.

    He asked if I wanted to have dinner. Yes, I did. While we stood in a corner waiting for the outside table to be cleared, he gently kissed me. Nothing hot and heavy, just a sweet kiss. At the table, he sat in the chair next to me. We held hands throughout dinner.

    He told me he liked my dimples. I thanked him. I didn’t tell him that I don’t have dimples — those are laugh lines, AKA wrinkles! He also said, based on some of my comments, it seemed I wasn’t completely happy with the shape of my body. I said yes, that was true, I’d like to lose more weight. He said “I love your body. If you’re concerned about any bumps or jiggles, that is what bodies our age are supposed to do.” I wanted to run away with him right then.

    We were the last couple in the restaurant. As we left, we passed a club with dance music spilling out. He said “Let’s check this out,” and escorted me inside to the dance floor. Heaven! We had one dance before the band took a break.

    He walked me to my car, opening my door, then we lingered in a sweet kiss. He was a gentleman and didn’t try to take liberties beyond a kiss. And a great kisser he was! We parted with a promise he’d call the next day. Which he did.

    This was one of the very best first dates I’ve had in a long, long time. And it all started with “You’re gorgeous!” Note to self: the first response can set the tone for the whole evening — and beyond. So make sure you respond positively if you have a good initial reaction.

    (I also wrote about him in “Falling in lust,” “Be creative to get his attention!” and “The two-suitor conundrum” where I referred to him as “Mr. Dreamboat.” I’ll tell you what happened with this one — and the lessons I’ve learned — in another posting soon. Stay tuned!)

    Technorati Tags: , , , , , ,

  • Qualify your potential dates before meeting

    weed.jpgAfter dating now nearly 2 years, I’ve learned how to weed out many men who aren’t good matches. Why meet and waste both our time? Men have to go through a few hoops to earn a date with me — even if it’s just a coffee date. I have more invitations than I have time or want to accept. So I’ve learned to “qualify” my potential dates, and even so, a few get through that I shouldn’t have accepted.
    There are two main hoops: email and phone.

    Emails. They have to be engaging and he has to appear he read mine. I’ve grown fond of men through their emails. I’ve also been turned off. It’s best when the exchange is an ongoing conversation and he refers back to previous emails. It’s even better when he’s witty, funny, and flirty. I like banter. If his emails are terse, few-word sentences, it doesn’t bode well. And if there are too many typos or grammatical errors, not good. If the dating site’s email system doesn’t have spell check and he doesn’t care enough to compose in Word and check before sending, a big yellow flag obscures his profile.

    Some men take flirty emails to a sexual level. I’ve had some ask my bra cup size and other extremely personal preferences before even meeting me. Not that it would be OK after meeting me, but presumed intimacy way too early is a deal breaker.

    One man’s fun ongoing riff on the goddess theme earned him many points. He even attached goddess pictures and made fun god/goddess references. Since he is a Pisces, he claimed that he was Neptune, which then spawned a series of flirty “Is that a trident in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?” comments. I was fond of him before we met, and forgave some things that were otherwise deal breakers because of his fun emails.

    If his emails are fun and nearly typo-free (I let a few through myself, I know), then he gets my phone number. But only after a few exchanges and/or a few days. People’s true colors can come out pretty quickly and I don’t want to give my number to a wacko.

    Calls. If the first call is strained and he doesn’t know how to have a two-way conversation, I pass on a face-to-face. (See my posting about calls.) If he dominates the conversation, I know it doesn’t matter if I show up or not, as he’s not interested in learning about me. If he’s argumentative or condescending, bye bye birdie. If he asks questions like one guy did, “At what point would you feel comfortable getting intimate? The first date?” “No.” “The second date?” “No.” “The third date?” “Probably not,” he’s history. If he only talks about things you have no interest in and you can’t find some common interest areas, sayonara.

    If he rants about how women lie on their profiles, are too fat, he talks negatively about women in general or how he still fights with his ex, best to bid him farewell before even meeting. If he tells you of his financial woes, or how his ex-wife or ex-girlfriend have him tied up in litigation, best to let this one go. If he is jobless or still lives at home, bon voyage.

    Once he passes these hurdles, we can have a coffee date. See my posting “Start with coffee” to understand why.

    How do you qualify your potential dates? What does a guy need to do to earn a date with you? Share in a comment.

    Technorati Tags: , , , , , ,

  • Judging a guy by how well he … punctuates

    Jeff RubinI was chatting with my friend Jeff Rubin (The Newsletter Guy) about dating profiles and punctuation today. “Punctuation?” you ask. “That’s a weird topic.” Not to Jeff and other of my friends. You see, Jeff started National Punctuation Day (Sept. 24) to call attention to the importance of proper punctuation. The book Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation helped garner a lot of attention to this topic.Eats, Shoots and Leaves

    Jeff and I were chatting about online profiles and I said I was drawn to men’s profiles that were articulate, humorous and with proper spelling, grammar and — you guessed it — punctuation. Recently, I responded to a guy out of my geographical range because he said he was a “down-to-earth guy” — punctuated properly. Of course, he also met my other criteria, but it is so rare to see correct punctuation I swooned. Too bad the date didn’t end in an exclamation point!

    Here’s an example of a far-too-common profile writing style:

    my dogs not helping!

    dependable, loving,affectionate, communicative, low maintanence, lover of traveling,sweet, outdoorsy camper ,playful, great kisser, fetcher funny,cuddler,OOPS all thats my dog! oh well… like dog.. like owner! of course im the cuter one. seeking the same and more!

    Do you find all those misspellings, bad punctuation and missing capitals appealing? I don’t. I guess some people don’t understand how important a first impression is.

    After going out with a guy once, I had to tell him we weren’t a match. He was good humored about it and teased me about why. I responded half kiddingly “It’s because you write ‘your’ when you mean ‘you’re.’” Other common examples are using “it’s” (it is) when “its” (possessive form) is what is called for. More than one man describes himself as “Intellegent” in his profile.

    I know, you’re thinking, “That’s kinda shallow, isn’t it? To judge someone on their punctuation?” It’s only one piece of the puzzle. So be mindful of your own punctuation. When in doubt, go to the National Punctuation Day site where Jeff has a primer on proper punctuation and some terrific photos and products.

    Technorati Tags: , , , , , ,

  • Date turned out to be losing bet

    While most daters can regale you with dates gone bad, I’ve been lucky enough to only have about 10% of my dates in this category. And even bad dates have had some learning for me. This one, some months ago, helped me create the “only coffee first date” rule.

    dreamer.jpgAfter seeing the movie “Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story,” I decided I wanted to see a horse race. Never having been to one, I wanted to go with someone experienced, who could show me the reins — I mean ropes.

    A few weeks earlier I received an email and subsequent phone call from a 41-year-old guy whose profile said he was a “race horse owner.” An extremely enthusiastic man, he had more pictures of his horse than of himself in his profile. His enthusiasm wasn’t limited to his motivational-speaker style voice tone; nearly every word in his emails started with a capital letter.

    lif-heads.jpgHe wanted to meet me, so when he mentioned he was going to the local race track to check out the newest phenom, a horse named “Lost in the Fog,” I asked if I could tag along. Normally, I wouldn’t have sought a date with a man who didn’t meet my age, economic, or articulation criteria, but I wanted a tutor for the races. Sometimes tutoring costs more than you think!

    When I was ten minutes away from the track, he called to say he’d be 40 minutes late. He hadn’t carefully checked the bus and train schedule and had missed his connection. I had considered taking the train myself, as there is a station on the track grounds, so didn’t think this too odd, although I was mildly miffed he hadn’t looked into this beforehand.

    He said he was wearing a black cowboy hat and tweed coat. As I sat outside the entrance watching arriving train passengers enter, a tall man with that attire entered. But he looked less attractive than Mr. RaceHorseOwner’s picture, so I let him pass. A few minutes later he called. Yep, that was him. Sigh. I went inside to meet him.

    We set about getting a lay of the land. It seems he’d only been to the races once before, so really didn’t know much more than me. So much for my race mentor!

    We begin with lunch. He stabbed his whole meat loaf slab with his fork and raised it to his mouth — without cutting it beforehand! It landed on the shelf his protruding belly made under his white shirt. Ugh! I was reminded of his lack of table manners every time I looked at him the rest of the afternoon — a brown meat loaf stain staring out at me from his midriff paunch.

    During lunch he shared that his transportation is “BMW” — which he explained is “bus, Muni and walking.” No car. He also disclosed he still lived at home. How can a 41-year-old man living with his mother and with a full-time job not have a car?

    When I asked about his race horse, he explained that he owns 1/100th a share. Yes that is right — there are 99 other owners! So while “race horse owner” sounds successful and enticing in his profile, the truth is different.

    I endured an afternoon of bad grammar, wrong word usage, incorrect pronunciation, and repeating himself. He is a college grad, but he would be a poor advertisement for his alma mater!

    There were a number of times I felt like leaving, but the star horse had yet to run. While it was good to see a race with a soon-to-be-famous horse in it, it was not worth 6 hours of my life. And to make matters worse, since we were both novices at betting, we bet wrong and didn’t even make money on the horses we thought we had bet on!

    My lesson: before agreeing to spend the afternoon with someone, make sure it’s someone with whom I want to spend time. And yes, it was my own fault for trying to turn a date into a tutoring session, even though he was a willing teacher. Little did I know he didn’t know enough to be an informed instructor.

    Technorati Tags: , , , , , ,

  • No, I will not be dating your Harley

    Harley DavidsonI am often amazed at the pictures guys post in their profiles. After nearly two years of online man shopping — looking at profiles — I shouldn’t be surprised anymore. But based on all the pictures of men with their motorcycles, these must be babe magnets. I’ve even seen men post 12 pictures of their bike — with only one of themselves.

    Men also post pictures of their cars — with or without themselves in the pic, and of course their boats and planes. This made sense when I realized they wanted to show the material trappings of their financial success. However, they could be up to their eyeballs in hock to pay for such toys. I’d be more impressed if they posted the first page of last year’s tax return and a net worth statement!

    They also post pictures of their dogs, which I understand as most dog owners are very attached to their pets. However, sometimes there are more pics of the dogs than them. And often there are dog pics, but none of their kids.

    And some like to post nature pictures, especially if they say they are outdoors types, which 90% say they are. I don’t mind a pic of a favorite place, but again, often the guy isn’t in the pic. Or if he is, he has on a t-shirt, sunglasses and a hat, so I can’t really see what he looks like.

    So, if you like motorcycle-riding guys — sort of the “bad boy” image even though he may be a dentist or accountant — you’ll be in online-dating heaven. Just make sure he pays as much attention to you as he does to his bike.

    Technorati Tags: , , , , , ,

  • Dear Fido

    DobermanThis guy kept coming to the top of my matches on one of the dating sites, so after a few months I decided to initiate contact. But I did so with his dog mentioned in his profile, which we’ll call “Fido” to protect his — and his owner’s — identity. The things mentioned are references to items in his owner’s profile.

    Dear Fido:

    You are cute! However I hope I don’t offend you, but I think that guy you live with is even cuter. While I hope I get a chance to meet you and appreciate your sense of humor, I already appreciate his.

    I’m writing to you to see if you can give me the real scoop, as he seems like a guy I’d like to get to know. Is he really as intelligent and funny as he appears in his profile? Or is that hyperbole to entice ladies to meet with him?

    While I don’t row or spearfish, I do enjoy some of the same things: hiking, biking, I’ve even done some beginning SCUBA in Hawaii. I, too, am educated and well-traveled, and, like him, I love learning which has also increased “my awareness of how little we really know.”

    He says I’d get bonus points if I recognized the schools affiliated with various mascots. My high school mascot was the Trojans, do I get points for that? In fact, as Sr. Class President, I was star of a tasteless skit about Trojans, and no, it was not referencing our mascot!

    So, give me the skinny. What is he really like? He keeps showing up in my matches, so do you think we’d be a good match? If so, can you put in a good word for me when he’s especially susceptible, like when you’re snuggled up with your head on him and looking at him with those big eyes of yours? If you give me the inside scoop I promise to brush you and give you lots of treats. What do you say?

    (Fido’s response)

    Hi Goddess!

    Sorry for taking so long to get back to you but I had to show your letter to my dad since I am not yet two years old and he doesn’t like me to write to older women. He looked at your profile and said that you looked safe, looked at your note to me and said that you are obviously creative and funny and looked at your picture and said that you are very pretty. He then wanted to write to you himself but I reminded him that you letter was to me, not him.

    Well, I can tell you this, if you go out with him and mind very well, you can look forward to having your ears scratched and your side rubbed until your leg kicks. And, if you climb up in his lap, he will love you up until you go to sleep.

    My dad was always very supportive when I was growing up. For example, he wanted me to get a good business education, so he spread out the Wall Street Journal on the kitchen floor for me to read when I was a pup. I remember getting too agitated over some of the articles and making statements on them before he got home. I guess, I’m just a Blue State kind of dog. I even learned some French this way but my dad says that my pronunciation suffers a bit, given my focus in life. For example, before each meal I say, “Bone apetite” and he says that’s close but not really right. What do you think?

    Do you have a dog for me to play with? Both my dad and I like playmates that don’t growl or bite and don’t arch their back and seem mean. We both like friends that like to run and play and go to the bathroom before we get in the car. I don’t think he likes friends that drool on the side of the car when they hang their heads out the window either. I don’t know how you two would ever figure out if you like each other since my dad says it’s not polite to sniff. I just think it makes sense since I can find out if my friend is really a girl, is hot to trot, where she’s been and what she’s eaten.

    Maybe you two should get a good rubber toy and play tug of war and chase each other. It works for me. If you would like to actually talk with me, you can call me at XX. My dad may answer if I’m sleeping but that’s OK because then you can talk with him…

    Fido (the hound of renown)

    Dearest Fido, hound of renown:

    Thank you for writing. Since it had taken awhile, I thought perhaps I had been too forward, or that your dad had found another (prettier, sexier, thinner, smarter, funnier) woman. I’m glad that you don’t think that’s the case. And you would know, wouldn’t you?

    «I am not yet two years old and he doesn’t like me to write to older women.»

    He is wise.

    «He then wanted to write to you himself but I reminded him that you letter was to me, not him.»

    He is welcomed to write himself. But I am glad you took the time to compose such a great letter.

    «mind very well, you can look forward to having your ears scratched and your side rubbed until your leg kicks. And, if you climb up in his lap, he will love you up until you go to sleep.»

    Yum! I will work very hard to mind if those are my rewards! Although I haven’t been as well trained as you obviously have, so I hope there’s no hitting with the newspaper involved if I misbehave. Sometimes I’m at my best when I’m misbehaving! Usually a look or stern voice are enough for me to see the error of my ways.

    «”Bone Apetite”…. What do you think?»

    You are a very funny dog! I think I would cherish any dog who tries to speak French, no matter the pronunciation. If you will forgive mine, I will accept yours.

    «Do you have a dog for me to play with?»

    I’m sorry, I don’t. But this is good, because I can lavish my pent-up dog affection totally on you! I am very affectionate (without being clingy), so I will welcome the opportunity to pet, brush, play with and cuddle you. Perhaps a little will rub off onto dad. 🙂

    «Both my dad and I like playmates that don’t growl or bite and don’t arch their back and seem mean. We both like friends that like to run and play and go to the bathroom before we get in the car. I don’t think he likes friends that drool on the side of the car when they hang their heads out the window either.»

    I think I qualify on all accounts.

    «If you would like to actually talk with me, you can call me at XX. My dad may answer if I’m sleeping but that’s OK because then you can talk with him»

    I would like to talk to you both. However, Fido, what is Dad’s name in case he answers the phone? I know I can always ask for you, but he might have to interpret until I can communicate with you face-to-face.

    Goddess

    (After the first phone conversation)

    Dearest Fido:

    So we’re meeting for coffee. I’m not sure if you’ll be accompanying him or not. If not, I will have to meet you next time (assuming I’m not odious to him and there is a next time). Perhaps you can come to my house and chase some squirrels. You do like to chase squirrels, don’t you? My back yard is infested with them and if you’d like to make your presence known and scare them off, I’d be grateful (read: more treats and brushing for you).

    I did, however, have to practically pry his name out of him! I thought it a bit awkward to keep calling him Fido’s dad, and I thought shortening it to just “Dad” was a bit presumptuous on a first conversation. He is hilarious, but you already know that. I think making each other laugh is key to a good relationship. I know, I know, you think a good walk, treats, and brushing are key. They are, I agree, for both dogs and humans.

    Hey, he says one of his favorite books is The House at Pooh Corner! That cracked me up because for years when someone asked my favorite book, I cited that one! Wow! I’ve never met another adult who admitted to that in public! Cool! (I know, there were way too many exclamation points in that paragraph, but I was just excited. I’m calmer now. See, just periods.)

    I hope to meet you soon. And thanks again for putting in the good word.

    Goddess

    Whoof!!!

    (To our first meeting for coffee, I took a basket of dog treats, a Winnie the Pooh book and some fresh-baked homemade blueberry muffins, which I’d learned was one of Fido dad’s favorite foods.)

    Goddess:

    Thanks again for meeting me today. I really enjoyed getting to know you. I also appreciated your thoughtfulness in bringing the book and treats. The bagged [dog] treats were especially good and were very much like scones and very tasty with tea….

    Fido’s Dad

    Hi Fido’s Dad:

    > Thanks again for meeting me today. I really enjoyed getting to know you.

    Me, too. But then I’ve always been a sucker for intelligent, good-looking, Winnie-the-Pooh-loving guys who own Dobermans, like blueberry muffins, have a quick wit and make me laugh.

    > also appreciated your thoughtfulness in bringing the book and treats.

    It just felt like the thing to do to thank Fido for his yenta services.

    Goddess

    Technorati Tags: dating Internet, dating online, senior dating, bbw dating, mature dating, dating over 50, online dating advice

  • Use funny emails for unresponsive contacts

    It is frustrating when you initiate contact with a guy you think is a good match, and you don’t hear back. My single male friends tell me it’s often because they don’t feel it’s a good match and they don’t want to hurt your feelings by saying this, so they don’t respond. Other pals have shared that some are involved with someone, but don’t want to cut you off in case it doesn’t work out with their current squeeze. So you feel like your email went into the same place lost socks in the washer go.

    Occasionally, I’ll be interested enough in a guy to follow up. I know I’m flattered when someone checks back a month or so later (recently a guy reconnected after a year of the initial email, though we never met). So I devised this email to send and hopefully pique the unresponsive guy’s interest enough to respond.

    I sent you an email about a month ago, so am guessing that you (pick all that apply):

    1. Didn’t get it,
    2. Got it but ignored it,
    3. Got it but didn’t find my profile intriguing,
    4. Got kidnapped by aliens — again!
    5. Decided we live too far from each other and the thought of being far away from each other is unendurable,
    6. Broke your fingers while trying to karate-chop a wood plank so now can’t type,
    7. Found the love of your life,
    8. Are too shy to respond to a woman emailing you,
    9. Mom won’t let you talk to strange women,
    10. Were too busy to even consider dating.
    11. Got offered a movie role and have been rehearsing love scenes with Cameron Diaz for oh so many hours,
    12. Won the lottery and have now moved to a Pacific island. Or, of course,
    13. None of the above and it’s none of my business what you’ve been doing!

    I thought I should just check in with you.

    A few have responded to my humor and creativity. Try it yourself and tell me what happens.

    Technorati Tags: , , , , , ,

  • Cyber suitors: What do you call him when you haven’t met yet?

    This weekend I’m meeting a man who lives 400 miles away and has called me nearly every day — sometimes twice a day — for 4 months.

    So how do I refer to him when I talk to friends? I don’t usually share potential suitors’ names with friends until I’ve at least met a guy and know he’s going to be around for a while. So he’s not “my guy” or “beau” or even “man I’m seeing” since we haven’t yet met.

    In the old days it was somewhat simpler. Unless you were starting a long-distance romance via mail after having been “introduced” by friends or family, you had both met and could call him your “gentleman caller,” “suitor,” “fella,” or most commonly, “guy I’m dating.” With virtual introductions being more common, it has left us with a language void. My teenaged nieces would say that “we’re talkin’.”

    “Cyber suitor” or “virtual boyfriend” don’t quite capture it, but perhaps it’s a start.

  • The two-suitor conundrum: What would you do?

    Two weeks ago I started seeing Mr. Dreamboat. However, 3 weeks ago, Mr. 400MilesAway bought an airline ticket and made hotel reservations to come meet me this upcoming weekend. Mr. Dreamboat and I have gotten pretty close, although we’ve only had 3 dates. I don’t really have a desire to meet anyone else right now, but I want to meet Mr. 400Miles. He’s been sweet and attentive and I’d like to at least meet him before I make any conclusion.

    What to do? Do I tell Mr. 400Miles I’ve met someone else so he shouldn’t come? Tell him I’ve beginning to see someone and let him decide if he wants to come anyway? Not say anything and see what evolves?

    For over 3 months Mr. 400Miles has called me nearly every day, so we know quite a bit about each other’s lives. It seems cold to dismiss him — to tell him not to come, without at least giving it a chance to see if we click. But I also don’t want to lead him on if I’m not interested. But how do I really know if we’d click if I haven’t met him? People can be quite different in person than on the phone.

    While I believe in dating multiple guys when it is casual dating, not when it seems one could be serious. I feel really great about Dreamboat, and hope it develops into a long-term relationship, but it is too early to really tell. So far, however, so great!

    So if Mr. 400Miles arrives as planned, do I tell Dreamboat? Before or after? (Dreamboat will be out of town for the weekend, so he won’t miss my not being around.) Or only if it would be a threat to what he and I have? My prediction is Mr. 400Miles will be a nice guy, but based on our phone conversations, I don’t think there will be a romantic spark. If I’m right, would it help or hinder my relationship with Dreamboat to tell him? We haven’t promised exclusivity, but he’s said he isn’t interested in seeing anyone else. I told him I hadn’t seen anyone else during the two weeks since I met him, which is true.

    What would you do if you were in my shoes? If you were Mr. 400Miles or Mr. Dreamboat, what do you think would be the right approach?

    Technorati Tags: , , , , , ,