Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

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  • Reflections and resolutions

    Happy new yearThis is the time of year we look back at what we’ve learned and accomplished and look forward with plans for what we want to improve. Here are my dating reflections and resolutions.

    Reflections — dating lessons learned in ’06

    • While my dating quantity has slowed, my quality has improved. I continue to meet some wonderful men and enjoy their acquaintance. Some have become romantic dalliances, others valued friends, while some are just a fleeting memory.
    • While I believe in giving people grace and realize some men are nervous in first dates, I’ve also learned to notice how your date treats you and how you feel around him. If you don’t feel great on the first few dates, it probably won’t get better, as people are usually on their best behavior in early encounters.
    • As hard as it is, work to not build up expectations before meeting a guy. It is easy to be blinded by his great characteristics over the phone and email. It is what happens face-to-face that matters most. I would not have been as surprised by Rocket Man‘s fizzling if I hadn’t had such high hopes for him.
    • Have the class to “break up” clearly, even if only after a date or two. If you aren’t drawn to him, let him know gently in an email or phone conversation that you want to be friends. If you just disappear, you are stooping to the behavior women often complain men do. When I’ve let someone just drift away, I’ve not been proud of my own behavior.
    • If you have parted amicably, allow him to come back in your life if you’d like. He may now be a treasured friend, or perhaps the time is better to see if you both want to rekindle your connection. Dreamboat recently reentered my life and when he gets back from abroad this week we are going to see if there is the spark that we felt before he started travelling extensively several months ago.
    • Go into any potential relationship with your eyes and heart open. If you are not blinded by what you think you see and are willing to look at the good and the bad, you’ll make a more informed decision whether to continue. And an open heart does mean it might be bruised or even broken, but a closed heart does not allow for any possibilities.

    Resolutions

    • I will be even more discerning with whom I agree to even a coffee date. Once you have met someone face-to-face, I believe you have an obligation to be clear with him where you stand when you decide it isn’t a match. So if I know there is no way I could see us together, then why toy with his emotions and waste both of your time? While I believe in broadening your parameters for a potential suitor, if you know there’s no way you’d be interested in someone like him, why even start the process?
    • I will clarify expectations and make my desires known — especially before spending a weekend together. I should have asked specific questions before agreeing to a weekend with Golf Addict. Frankly, before this I wouldn’t have imagined I needed to ask some of the questions that now I wish I had.
    • If something isn’t working, say so in the moment, or soon afterward. Don’t suffer in silence. I know I let Golf Addict hang himself by his self-absorption, but if I care about the relationship, I will speak up about what is bothersome.

    What are your dating resolutions for ’07?

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  • The “pound-dog” syndrome in dating

    pound dogHave you noticed that dogs and cats adopted from shelters into good, loving homes are often very affectionate with their new owners? Many animals adopted from the pound have been neglected or abused. If they haven’t been abused beyond repair, when they get around kind, loving folks they respond similarly.

    I’ve seen this in humans as well. Often people become single after years of abuse or neglect from their exes. I’ve heard stories of people living in celibacy while married — sometimes for many years. Men have shared that their ex didn’t touch, hug or kiss them for a long time.

    So when they are treated nicely and thoughtfully, if they haven’t been psychologically damaged beyond repair, they often respond with great affection. I’ve had men say to me, “You’re so nice” when I was just being myself.

    I’ve also had men misinterpret eye contact and smiling because they haven’t received that from a woman in so long. And some can read an innocent hug or touch as if it means much more than intended.

    Early on a man told me that I was so responsive to touch it was like a cat arching her back for more. I wasn’t physically abused or neglected in my marriage. But I was neglected in a sense in that he said he didn’t think about me if I wasn’t in the room. So when a man shows he thinks about me when I’m not with him, I am drawn to him.

    Have you been emotionally, psychologically or physically neglected in past relationships? If so, how does that show up now? Are you standoffish and aloof, or very responsive to kindness and affection? Have you dated someone who had been neglected? If so, how did you show your fondness without him interpreting more into your actions than you intended?

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  • Does your date share your world view?

    Many months ago, I was sharing with a gal pal how I was smitten with the guy I was seeing. After stammering to answer when she asked why I liked him so much, she eventually asked, “Does he share your world view?”

    EarthI stopped in my tracks. It was a question I hadn’t thought about. First, I had to think what the question meant. Next, I had to articulate my world view and look for signs of his world view. Then I compared where they matched or didn’t.

    So what is “world view”? Your world view is how you see the world: friendly/unfriendly, optimistically/pessimistically, people are good/people are out to get you, you are safe/you are at risk, you are treated fairly/unfairly, etc.

    After this was defined, I quickly reviewed in my mind his behaviors that exemplified his world view. Within seconds, I had to answer “No” to her question.

    Is it a requirement that your potential suitor share your world view? Not necessarily. But if you are the eternal optimist and he is a constant pessimist, you will begin to drive each other crazy at some point. If he thinks all people are bad and you think generally people are good with a few bad apples, then you will experience much frustration.

    We could cite examples of ardent Democrats and staunch Republicans marrying and living happily. Or people with polar religious views. Or pro-lifers living with pro-choicers. However, I think these couples either are fine expressing their opposite views, or they decided not to discuss them.

    My friend’s question forced me to see I was smitten because of surface attributes. I needed someone who shared more of my view of life. He and I did not last long after this realization.

    How important is it that a potential suitor share your world view? What elements are deal breakers and what could you be fine with disagreeing? If you haven’t defined your world view, start now by listing how you see the world.

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  • What’s your definition of dating success?

    For many women the answer to this question would be, “To find my next love/husband/mate.” I invite you to consider another possible definition.

    If someone were to ask you, “What is your definition of success in life?” you would probably not answer, “To find my way to death.” Both definitions focus on the end result, not the process.

    To the second question, you would probably answer something like, “To enjoy myself, laugh, grow, love, make a difference for others and live life fully.” You’d focus on enjoying the process, not on the end result. I believe the definition of successful dating needs to include appreciating the adventure.

    Eifel towerNot that all aspects of the adventure are thrilling. Think of a trip you’ve taken to a destination you really wanted to visit. Did you like all parts of your journey to Paris? What about the long plane ride or the taxi trip to your hotel? Most of us wouldn’t consider these experiences particularly pleasurable. However, if you engage your seatmate on the plane, catch up on your sleep, and/or read an enthralling book, the journey is pleasurable.

    Paris taxiYour trip from the airport can be interesting if you notice the people and architecture and query the cab driver on favorite non-touristy sites. It depends on what you make of the experience. I once had a grand time having a picnic in a Paris laundromat while doing my wash.

    Consider defining dating success something along these lines:

    “To enjoy meeting and getting to know some interesting men, broadening myself through new experiences, feeling the thrill of new romance, being willing to encounter the broad range of emotions from delight and love to disappointment and hurt, growing as a person and becoming more centered in what I want and who I am. And when the time is right, to meet my next long-term love.”

    With this definition, you are bound to be successful. And when you do meet your guy, you will be so enticing he won’t ever want to let you go.

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  • Approaching dating as a project

    The other day Internet Guy and I talked about the process of dating. He said he’s been put off by women who are assertive (aggressive?) about their dating time line. On the first date, he’s been told by more than one woman that she wants to be married within the year and begin a family soon afterward. They have their life plan mapped out and are just missing one thing — a man.

    I said they were approaching dating as a project. So we played with the various milestones one would list if you were creating a project plan for your next love. Tongue in cheek, here’s my fleshing out the concept.

    Project milestones for finding mate

    1. Find prospective mates.
    2. Narrow down the list.
    3. Make first contact (either initiate or respond). If online dating, via email.
    4. Talk on the phone.
    5. Set up first date.
    6. Have first date.
    7. Decide if there will be second encounter. If not, go back to #1.
    8. Go on subsequent dates.
    9. Have first kiss. (This might be concurrent with #6.)
    10. Progress with physical affection and emotional bonding.
    11. Decide to become exclusive.
    12. Sex. (Hopefully, this comes after #11.) If not satisfying go back to #1.
    13. Go away for the weekend. (#12 may be concurrent with this.)
    14. Meet his/her friends. (This may come before or after #12, 13 or 15.)
    15. Meet his/her family. (This may come before or after #12, 13 or 14.)
    16. Go on vacation together.
    17. Move in together.
    18. Become engaged. (This may come before #17.)
    19. Marriage. (This may or may not follow #18.)
    20. Kids (or not). (This may or may not follow #18 and 19.)
    21. Death or divorce (If his is the former, or if the latter, go back to #1.)

    What milestones have I left out?

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  • The trial kiss

    In sales, when you check for buying interest you use a trial close. Something like, “If you were to purchase this, which color/size/model would you like most?” Or, “If you were to go ahead, how many units would you initially order?”

    kissI’ve noticed some guys use a “trial kiss” to check for a woman’s “buying interest.” This is a kiss that is unexpected. Instead of at the end of the date as you’re saying goodbye, he’ll stop while you’re walking, or off to the side waiting for your table, or in the middle of a store.

    It’s more than a peck, although it can start there. But it quickly evolves into a short, but passionate kiss.

    I didn’t date much in high school, but maybe this is a standard technique. They guys I dated in and after college didn’t do this either. So now that I’m dating mature men, the first few times it happened I was startled as it was unexpected. I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing. But it created more physical closeness for the rest of the date. And at the end, more and longer kissing.

    I’ve decided it is a way some guys gage a woman’s passion temperature. One man, now a pal, says he uses an unexpected kiss to see how the woman reacts. If she gets offended, he knows she’s not for him. Before we first met, he told me he was going to kiss me when he greeted me, so I wasn’t surprised when he planted one on my lips. He didn’t go beyond that, so I just smiled. Half an hour later, he planted another one when we were in an empty aisle of a department store. And yes, there was more, longer kissing later.

    If the man doesn’t get a negative response, he sees it as a sign you’re open for more. So decide what is comfortable for you, and if a trial kiss early on isn’t, then let him know. And know that if you don’t say anything, he’ll read it as you’re open to the rest of his sales pitch.

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  • Awaiting the equivalent of a prom invitation

    I don’t yet have a date invitation for New Year’s Eve. I’m in that dilemma some high school girls talk about where the prom is coming up and there are several possibilities. She really wants to be asked by her top guy, but she may be asked by the beta guy. If the beta guy asks first, what to do? Or what if the alpha guy doesn’t ask?

    Here’s the adult (?) version.

    • I’ve had three dates with a charming, fun, retired police chief of a small — but internationally known — nearby city. We had a fun dinner and movie date Sat. night and talk to each other every day or so. I’m kinda thinking he’ll ask, but so far no invitation.
    • Last week I had a coffee date with a fun, smart product manager at a well-known Internet company. We laughed and had an interesting conversation. We’re having lunch today. He’d be my second choice, but we barely know each other.
    • And then there’s Bruce — sort of. Perhaps he would get on a plane so we could actually meet. We talk several times a week. So Bruce, when is it going to happen? New Year’s Eve? I’m not laying bets.

    I asked my teenaged nieces what they would do if in a similar situation for the prom. They said if Internet Guy asks first, I should either accept his invitation or call The Chief before lunch and ask him.

    I don’t like those options. I think I’ll just wait and see what happens and play it by ear. In fact, none of these guys may ask, so I may hang out with friends or be alone with some favorite DVDs or a book!

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  • Appreciating the Christmas gifts

    Christmas treeNo matter what your feelings about Christmas, I think you’d agree that the season — at least in many parts of the world — is focused around giving. It is a time of acknowledgement, in the US starting at Thanksgiving, culminating for many in gift giving on Christmas day, during Chanukah or Kwanzaa.

    So I’d like to acknowledge you, my Adventures in Dating After 40 readers, who help keep me writing this missive. I appreciate your visits as it helps me see my ideas are useful or entertaining, or some combination of both. And I’m grateful that so many readers recommend this blog to other singles. And a few list me in their blogrolls.

    I’d also like to thank the commenters — some of whom are frequent commenters. Sharing your thoughts and experiences makes this forum richer for everyone. It also helps me check my thinking, and sometimes spawns additional postings.

    And, of course, I’m grateful for the gifts offered me from the 73 men I’ve gone out with these last 26 months. They didn’t know they were offering me gifts, but I knew they had something to give me, so if I looked hard enough I usually found it. (See “Being present to the presents.”)

    As I’ve said many times, a number of these men have stayed in my life as treasured friends. After we learned we weren’t romantic matches we knew we valued each other as friends, so have stayed in touch. Some of the generosity from these treasures has touched me deeply. And to think if I hadn’t entered the dating world I would not have them in my life.

    Of course, there are those who weren’t treasures, but often triggered an important insight for me. So while I’m not unhappy these guys aren’t in my life, I am grateful for the gift(s) I received from them. (See “‘There must be a pony in here.’”)

    So today, in addition to reflecting on your gratefulness for your family, friends and abundance in your life, think about some of the gifts given by your past dates. Be thankful that they traveled through your life and left you some present. It’s your job to figure out what the present is.

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  • Is your date trainable?

    Sometimes I’m asked why I don’t always speak up when a date does something I don’t like. I weigh several things:

    • Do I care enough about this relationship to put effort in trying to improve it?
      If it is a one-time coffee date with someone I can see isn’t a good match, then I don’t say anything. Or if I have been on the fence and am weighing if I want to keep seeing him, when the scale tips to “no,” why say something? Perhaps it’s just a problem for me, but the next gal won’t be bothered by the behavior.
    • Is the act something that is core to his personality, so isn’t likely to be changed?
      The golf addict‘s self-absorption was too core to him that it would have taken more than I wanted to invest in changing him. And after spending more time with him I decided he didn’t have enough compelling characteristics for me to think it would be worth the effort for him to be a match.
    • Will he hear it without getting defensive?
      Some of his reaction will be based on how I make my request or comment. Some men have become defensive when I’ve made what I thought was a simple request in a pleasant tone nicely phrased. If I have evidence that he’ll get defensive, then I will pick my battles carefully. Of course, if he gets defensive easily, he’s not going to be around long!
    • If it is something simple, I will say something if I care about deepening the relationship.
      For example, if I’d decided I wanted to continue seeing him, I would have said something when the golf addict wore his golf cap during lunch inside the cafe. Or I would have made a comment or request to the date who watched TV over my shoulder at dinner. Or the one who didn’t walk me to my door when bringing me home from a date. While these could be considered “core” inconsiderate behaviors, if a guy hasn’t been with a woman in a while, I think he forgets (or perhaps never knew) how to be considerate.

    Women friends say, “You need to say something or he’ll never learn and he’ll keep treating other women this way.” First, what seems inconsiderate to me, may not to another woman. In sharing the instance of they guy dropping me off without walking me to my door, a gal pal said that wouldn’t bother her in the least. And she hates having the chair pulled out for her, doors opened, and assistance with her coat. So different strokes.

    Second, I don’t think it is my place in early dates to train someone. If a successful, educated, midlife man isn’t astute enough to understand common courtesies, I don’t think I should be training him. I don’t want to be his mother. If his parents didn’t train him, he needs to be smart enough to know that his behaviors are critical in both personal and business relationships, and he needs to have become educated in how to best treat people.

    helping with coatIf we have dated a few times and it’s something important to me and I’ll say something. One younger man who declared he wanted to be my boyfriend, never helped with my coat, even when I was dressed up. One day I said, “Do you know how to help a woman with her coat?” He said. “No.” I said, “Then you’re going to learn.” On the third date, another began to eat his salad with his fingers. I suggested he use the fork.

    In “When do you tell your date about irritants?” I discussed the timing of the telling. If you decide to say something, timing, word choice and tone are important.

    We also need to examine how trainable we are. How do you respond when your date asks you to change something?

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  • Do you get his motor running, or why does he read “easy” on your forehead?

    I was chatting with a male friend about why the majority of the “bad” dates listed in “Men behaving badly” involved men moving too fast. We discussed if these guys were just horn dogs or if I was sending off subtle signals that were being misinterpreted.

    He: How do you behave in pre-meeting phone calls and emails?

    Me: I’m flirty, but not sexual. I compliment him on things he says or has accomplished. I ask questions, contribute to the conversation, and laugh appropriately. I am not suggestive or sexual.

    He: How do you behave on a first date?

    Me: I’m focused, pay attention to my date, smile, laugh, and if I like him, I might touch his arm. If I feel a warm connection to him from multiple emails and calls, I’d give him a hug hello.

    However, I don’t initiate hand holding or kissing. And I certainly don’t start sexual conversations. And if he starts one, I work to keep it tame.

    He: I think because you are warm, playful and flirty in emails and calls, when the guy meets you his motor is already running.

    This means the guy is already feeling sexual toward me. He may have entertained fantasies (some have shared they have). Then when he meets me, if he likes what he sees, he goes into behavior that would usually be reserved for later dates. Because we have already bonded to some degree beforehand, it feels like we already know each other, so the first meeting is somewhat a formality.

    Thus he feels comfortable going for a passionate kiss or other signs of affection. In his mind, we are already on a second or third date since we know a bit about each other, and already like each other.

    So, while I felt these guys were treating me like I had “slut” written on my forehead, they were just responding to the warm connection they were feeling. Smiling and steady eye contact is interpreted as interest, so since I am comfortable doing both, the guy was seeing green lights everywhere. Coupled with some touching, he thought I was inviting him to move full speed ahead.

    So what to do to slow a guy down? Do I have to change my personality and demeanor entirely? I don’t want to give off false signals, but I also don’t want to be someone who acts cold or disinterested, doesn’t smile or breaks eye contact when I like a guy. Now I am better at saying, “We need to slow down,” when he’s coming on like a locomotive. If he doesn’t back off, then time to extricate myself.

    ice waterWhat signals do you think you send that are misinterpreted? How do you slow down over-eager guys, that doesn’t involve a glass of ice water to over-heated body parts?

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  • Women’s first-date blunders

    In “First-date red flags that this guy isn’t for you” I talked about what men do that tell you he should be released back into the dating pool. But I’ve been curious what women do that make a man say, “She’s not for me.” Of course, everyone has their individual deal breakers, so I interviewed a few single guy pals to see if there were some common behaviors that drove them batty. Here’s what I gleaned.

    • Telling your date you’ve talked about him to your mother. It assumes too much permanency before even meeting. He’ll assume you want to marry him as quickly as possible. “You can hear the bear trap starting to close,” says my friend Bruce.
    • Sharing your baggage. Women disclose too much too soon. Save it for the second or subsequent dates. If you share too much on the first date, he’ll question your judgment about how much you tell a stranger in any situation. Hold on to see if there’s enough interest for a second date, then you can begin to slowly let your baggage come out.
    • Telling him your procreation time line. You tell him you want to have a baby within a year — on the first date? Watch this man run from the building.
    • Coming on too strong sexually. Some women talk about sex or are too aggressive and physical on the first date, kissing, rubbing and trying to seduce a man who isn’t interested in being seduced — at least not at a first meeting. Of course, a few like it!
    • Nitpicking his values, life style or behaviors. If you don’t like something, decide if you can live with it or suggest changing it later, not the first date! If you can’t live with it, don’t accept a second date.
    • Bashing men. It seems both genders like to tell stories about their exes or bad dates. However, if you say things like, “All men want is sex,” or “Men are such jerks” you are lumping your date in with the others who’ve wronged you. No one likes to be stereotyped without a chance to show he’s not like the others.
    • Primping at the table. Some men despise when a woman freshens her makeup at the table or brushes her hair in a public place. Excuse yourself to the ladies room.
    • Ordering expensive dishes then not eating them. Women have the rap of constantly being on a diet so pick at their food. It irritates guys when a woman orders an appetizer, salad and lobster and only eats a little of each. If you know you are a light eater, offer to share something with him. Only order what you can realistically make a dent in. He’s also not fond of your taking home a doggie bag, as he feels he’s underwriting your next meal.
    • Drinking too much. No one likes to be around someone who’s sloshed. Limit your alcohol consumption to one or two.
    • Talking incessantly or loudly. Some women (and some men, too) are afraid of dead air. A pause once in a while is a good thing, as is asking him questions about his opinions and life, as long as you don’t interrogate him. Also, men complain that some women don’t know how to keep their voices down, and the increased volume comes across shrill.

    What have you heard men complain about first date blunders?

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