Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

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  • First-date red flags that this guy isn’t for you

    He’s pleasant and cordial. However, there are red flags that make you cautious. Some by themselves are deal breakers (he drinks too much), while others have the cumulative effect of “I’m going to pass on this guy.” For each woman the red flags she notices will be different. Here are some of mine:

    • He talks too much. He doesn’t ask you a question, except perhaps a trite one like “Tell me about yourself.” Or, as a recent date kept asking, “So, how are you?” The same as I was 5 minutes ago, but getting more turned off each time you ask!
    • He has poor manners. He interrupts frequently, orders first, eats non-finger-food with his hands in a nice restaurant, walks ahead of you, doesn’t open doors.
    • He’s poorly dressed for the activity. He shows up in badly wrinkled shirts or slacks, rips in clothing, poorly kept, unpolished, or filthy shoes, ill-fitting clothes (too big, too small), hair disheveled or dirty, or shorts for a white-tablecloth dinner. While most guys are not clothes horses, they should at least be clean and neat.
    • He has trouble keeping eye contact, seems distracted by nearly everything around him. If he’s having this much trouble staying focused, guess what? He’ll have trouble staying focused on you in the relationship. Inattention plays out in other ways in a relationship, but I’ve seen the signs from the beginning with inability to stay focused in the conversation.
    • He’s condescending to service staff. He is snotty to the waiter, snaps at the clerk, is arrogant with the ticket taker or valet. He doesn’t have to act like they are his best friends, but needs to be pleasant and cordial to everyone he interacts with.
    • He seems paranoid and negative. He goes off on how all corporations are colluding to screw consumers, the government reads everyone’s email and listens to every phone call, etc. He makes broad negative generalizations about people, women, government, etc. He gets irritated at life’s common mishaps of traffic, lines, rude behavior, high prices. Life is too short to be listening to someone’s frequent rants.
    • He gets sexual way too early. He tries to French kiss within minutes of meeting you, has his hand on your thigh, talks about how he wants to make love to you in various locations/positions, rubs his body inappropriately on yours, gropes you, at the end of the date he suggests he come home with you or you with him.
    • He complains about the women from past relationships. Or focuses on bad-date stories. He’s got an ax to grind and issues with women. You don’t want to be the one to try to get him to see there are lots of good women out there.

    The bottom line is to be aware of the times you feel disappointed with his self-focus, inattention to you, disrespect, or boorish behavior. You can’t build a relationship on a foundation of disappointment. You may think other attributes will make up for these disappointments, but while many of them are changeable, do you really want a fix-up-project man?

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  • The importance of sweet talk

    You’ve developed a fondness for each other in several long phone conversations, so you agree to meet. There are signs he’s attracted — he touches you gently, holds your hand, looks you in the eye, pays attention to what you say, asks about you and your interests, seems interested in pleasing you.

    You are drawn to him, too. Yet something seems missing. What?

    You’d like some verbal confirmation. Guys might say “What are you talking about? The guy’s showing he’s interested!” But it’s nice to hear it, too.

    I like it when a guy compliments me, says he’s glad to see me, that I look nice, smell good, etc. I don’t know why, but it reassures me. Of course, he could be using his usual “You are beautiful” line that he says to every woman, but it still sounds good to me!

    I also like it when he uses endearing terms: “sweetheart,” “darling,” “my dear,” “babe,” “sugar,” even “sweetie” will do. Hey, I’ll even take “sugar cookie,” “snookums,” “cupcake,” “blueberry muffin,” or “my sweet baboo” (yes, I’ve been called all those). Some even call me “goddess,” which of course I adore! (Please — no “poopsie!)

    While sometimes talk can be cheap, often it is worth millions. A few endearing comments can melt my heart and has occasionally made me more enamored with a guy than I might have without them.

    So when you like something about a guy, let him know. If you feel a fondness, let a “sweetie” slip out. It might — or might not — mean as much to him, but if he’s astute he will hear what you like and return it in kind.

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  • Guy needs to make effort for first encounter

    I broke my own rule the other day — I initiated contact with a guy. I don’t know why I do this — the results are almost laughably predictable. He had looked at my profile, but didn’t write. I thought he was cute, smart, articulate, so I wrote.

    His response: “I live close to [intersection about 10 miles from me]. If you ever find yourself coming to this area maybe we can plan a chance meeting.”

    Translated: “I don’t have much desire to meet you and am not willing to make any effort, so if you come to me, I’ll eke out a few minutes to deign to see if you have any appeal to me.”

    Well, buddy, your inertia is unappealing. Even if we lived a ways apart, you could at least offer to meet half way if you’re so lethargic that you can’t muster the extra 5 miles to meet near me, which most guys do.

    And, by the way, how does one “plan a chance meeting”? It’s an oxymoron. That’s like planned spontaneity. You can’t plan a “chance” meeting.

    So, no, pal, I won’t be calling you nor driving to your neighborhood for that planned chance meeting.

    When will I learn that if they don’t initiate they have no energy for you?

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  • Signs that he won’t be asking for a second date

    He’s pleasant and cordial, not a jerk. But there are signs that there won’t be a second date.

    • You’d agreed to meet for a drink. The waiter brings your drinks, but when he asks if you are ready to order, your date says, “We’re just having drinks.” If he were interested in spending more time with you, he’d say, “Check back in a little while” or at least offer to order appetizers.
    • He doesn’t make much eye contact. That means he doesn’t like looking at you. Even if he is shy, if a man thinks you’re attractive, he won’t be able to keep his eyes off you.
    • He doesn’t comment on your attractiveness. An interested guy says, “You’re much prettier than your pictures,” or even “Wow! You’re beautiful,” or “You have such pretty eyes.” He’ll find something to compliment you on.
    • No casual touching. If a guy is attracted to you, he’ll touch your arm or hand, or the small of your back as you walk to the table.
    • He doesn’t smile much. Even if he is shy, a man who wants to make a good impression smiles a lot at what you say and laughs when you attempt something funny.
    • If the waiter asks if you want another drink, your date doesn’t ask you, he just says, “We’re fine.” Do not, under any circumstance, order another drink unless your date asks. He wants to be polite, but he can get surly if you make him wait while you down another.
    • He doesn’t seem interested in you. He doesn’t ask you questions about your interests or life.
    • No mention of a second date. An attracted man will try to set up the second date during the first, or at least mention it as a possibility. For example, if you mention something you like (e.g., type of movies, food, music or activity) he’ll say, “Next time we will go there/try that.”
    • He can’t wait to get the check. He may chase down the waiter if it isn’t coming fast enough.
    • He accepts your offer to contribute to the check. Bad sign. This shows he has no interest in you romantically.
    • He doesn’t walk you to your car.
    • He shakes your hand as you part and says something like, “It was nice to meet you.”

    Most of these alone don’t mean there’s no second date coming. However, if there are several — or heaven forbid, all of them — just try to get out of there as quickly and pleasantly as possible.

    Don’t take it personally. Just know it isn’t a match and move on. Next!

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  • Chivalry isn’t dead — but it seems to be hibernating

    A few of my dates have had impeccable manners. Most weren’t brought up in a house of privilege. Some were taught how to treat a woman by their mothers. However, if their mother didn’t teach them, at some point they decided it was important to learn and practice chivalry.

    What do I mean? Holding doors, holding the chair and seating a woman at a restaurant, opening the car door, helping put on and take off her coat, walking on the outside of the sidewalk, making sure she orders first, walking together instead of ahead. These aren’t big behaviors to learn and practice. However, I’ve noticed few men — even educated, successful, accomplished men — do any of them at all or if they do, it’s happenstance, not consistent.

    Am I expecting too much? My women friends don’t think so. Nor do those who practice chivalry regularly. I love a gay friend escorting me to important events when I’m in between beaus, as he is the epitome of chivalrous.

    So why don’t more men practice them, even if they are not with a woman they are interested in? Holding a chair for a coworker or standing when a gal pal walks into a meeting is over the top. But opening doors isn’t.

    Are these hard behaviors to learn? Hardly. Carolyn Millet teaches classes on manners to 12-year-old boys. And she teaches the girls how to respond graciously.

    I know sometimes women respond poorly to well-meaning chivalry. They confuse respectful manners with demeaning behaviors. I don’t. In fact, I think chivalry shows respect for a woman.

    So how do we awaken the hibernating manners in a man? I employ the “catch him doing something right” technique. I always thank him when he opens the door, helps with my coat, etc. If I want him to help with my coat and he hasn’t in the past, I’ll gently hand him my coat as we’re leaving. Unless he’s really obtuse, he’ll get it. I tell him “I love it when you do chivalrous things. It makes me feel cherished.” Some get it. Others continue to hibernate. When they do awaken, they’ll find mating season is over.

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  • Gentleman morphs into masher

    I recognized him at the airport coming past Security. He was taller than he seemed in his pics, better looking and better built. He’d been on an airplane 13 hours, yet he’d donned a suit and tie because he knew I find men in well-fitting suits sexy!

    He recognized me — I was wearing a tiara, of course. He said he’d have recognized me without it. He kissed me on both cheeks — how European! — and gave me a quick hug.

    We dropped his suitcases at his hotel and I waited while he changed. His body clock said 5 a.m. so he was tired and hungry. During an enjoyable light dinner with good conversation, we periodically touched and held hands, as we had walking to the restaurant. After dinner, he announced he was tired so we walked back to his hotel.

    As we hugged goodbye, he suddenly got a burst of energy. He started kissing and caressing me like a starving man at an all-you-can-eat buffet who voraciously fills his plate to overflowing as if he’ll never eat again. It was as if someone had announced “Let the grope-fest begin!” I quickly extricated myself as I knew where the one-way grab-train was heading and I wanted off at the next station.

    So what happened? How did he go from gentleman to masher in a few minutes? Did I give off unintended signals that I was easy? What happened to decorum on the first date? What happened to respect? Did he think that his air fare and hotel costs entitled him to sex? Did he really expect that I would sleep with him within hours of meeting him? Was he used to that from other women, or was I just so luscious he couldn’t control himself? I doubt either was the case.

    I was disappointed that I had to fight him off. I didn’t see it coming.

     

    “Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.” —Mae West

    We saw each other for a few hours the next day before his flight home. He was back to being a gentleman, albeit an affectionate one. He says he’ll return in a month for a longer visit, staying in the same hotel. So at least he doesn’t assume he’ll stay with me. Before he buys his ticket, we will discuss expectations. If he expects to fly 2000 miles for sex, he shouldn’t bother. For the same price he could get a high-priced call girl.

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  • “Sex: A Man’s Guide”

    I thought this posting would pique your interest!

    But, since mostly women read this blog, why am I writing about men’s sex?

    When I began to put my toe in the dating water, I realized I had been intimate with only man in the past 20 years. I wondered what might have changed. What should I be aware of that I didn’t need to worry about much with pre-marriage intimacy in the ’70s and ’80s? For example, I knew virtually nothing about STDs and decided I should educate myself.

    At my library’s book sale Sex: A Man’s Guide jumped out at me. Nearly literally. A friend shopping with me pulled it from the piles and said I needed it. I flipped through it and agreed. I figured I should know what guys know — or at least should know. I read the 478 pages in one sitting — then had to take a cold shower.

    It was so informative I decided to make it my coffee table book. It is quite a conversation piece, with dinner party guests taking turns reading aloud especially, uh, “interesting” parts.

    I decided it would be a great test for gentleman callers. I toyed with putting Post It Notes peeking out from particular pages on how to please a woman. Then I could later see if he had done his homework. I considered leaving the book on the coffee table, putting a hair on the cover before a guy came over, then excusing myself, and later seeing if he’d picked it up. That’s an old detective trick — I’d know because the hair would be gone.

    It turned out that most guys, pals as well as suitors, were interested in it immediately. Some asked why I had it, however most didn’t. But they weren’t turning to the parts I wanted them to. They turned to “prostate problems,” “erectile dysfunction,” and “male G-spot.” Drat! My plan did not go as I imagined.

    Still, it is a good read. Just make sure you have enough cold water for a shower afterward.

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  • Anticipating a big date is like awaiting Santa

    Sexy santaTonight I’m meeting a man with whom I’ve been communicating for a month, with nearly daily hour-long phone calls. I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve, unsettled with the excitement of what Santa will bring. Do you remember that feeling of joyous anticipation as you await a big event?

    Will the electricity be as great in person as it has been on the phone? Will he look like his pictures? What if he doesn’t like how I look? What if I don’t like the real-life version as much as I’ve like the virtual version? Will it be better than I imagine or worse?

    It takes will power not to build up impossible expectations, which lead to inevitable disappointments. Trying to be Zen, “Whatever is is,” feels unattainable. Singing “Whatever will be will be,” trite.

    Why is this meeting so different than previous first encounters? First, we’ve connected deeply for a month, talking about things that matter: goals, fears, feelings, accomplishments, mistakes, regrets. This creates pent-up expectations. Second, this man has behaved differently than any of his predecessors. In fact, he’s so unlike any of the others, I waived my “locals only” rule since he lives 2000 miles away. How will we ever develop a relationship long distance? How can that possibly work? Yet I know that if two people want something to work, they will be very creative to make it happen.

    So today I wait. I busy myself with work to keep my mind occupied. I’m sure I’ll start getting ready way before I really need to. I don’t want to be rushed. I want to look my best. I don’t want to be stressed with little setbacks — run in the stockings, changing outfits to choose the right one, heavier-than-usual traffic. I want to be relaxed and stress free for this big date. Wouldn’t you?

    I wonder what surprises Santa will bring.

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  • Are you putting your best voice forward?

    Do you know what your voice projects about you to your potential date? Most people don’t. They can’t even stand to listen to their outgoing voice mail. But in the dating game, how you sound is one component of the dance that can either lead the guy to ask you out or beg off.

    Today I talked to a new potential suitor. His picture was cute; his profile expressed intelligence and humor; he was tall. All good things.

    But his voice wasn’t as deep and strong as I like. Is it a deal breaker? No. But it doesn’t add to his allure. However, another man with a Barry-White-type deep, melodious voice earned many dates with me, even though there were other things that weren’t a great fit. I loved hearing him speak and overlooked other imperfections because of it.

    Another man was jovial on the phone, but he mispronounced too many words, even though he had a graduate degree. He also slurred words. If he’d just had some help with diction and enunciation, he would have come across much better. Another’s speech pattern was effeminate. He is intelligent and fun, but when I first heard him on the phone, I wondered if he might be gay. He isn’t. I went out with both, so the voice wasn’t a show stopper. But it did make a difference in their overall attractiveness.

    Men often comment that they like my voice. One said, “I’m so glad you don’t have a high, nasal, or squeaky voice. That would be hard to listen to.” I have worked hard to have a pleasant voice, even suffering through listening to recordings of myself to make improvements.

    You don’t want to sound breathy, as that sounds like you work for a 900 service! I know a woman who answers the phone with a breathy “hel-low,” sounding as if she were the receptionist for a call-girl service, rather than a mid-life mother of teenagers. And she only talks like that until she knows who it is, then she slips into her “normal” tone. The difference feels odd because of the inconsistency. She does, however, have wrong numbers call back just to chat with her! But none have resulted in a date.

    Get some feedback about your voice. If you could improve, get some help from a voice coach. It will not only affect your success in dating, but will probably help you in your job as well.

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  • Dating dilemma — what would you do?

    I am invited to speak on a cruise in 6 weeks. I and a guest will not pay for the cruise, just tips, excursions, and air fare.

    “How great,” you say. “What’s the problem?”

    “I’m considering inviting a guy I just started seeing, assuming we continue to hit it off and I don’t think he would drive me crazy for a week together. But my dilemma is what to do about the costs not covered by the cruise line.”

    “What’s the issue? He’d pay for his own flight, excursions, incidentals, etc., right?” you respond matter-of-factly.

    “Yes. He is getting a free $2000 cruise. Would I suggest he also pick up my incidentals, etc? Something like ‘My speaking covers your cruise. So you can pick up our other related expenses.’ Although he’s well off, that feels greedy. Depending on the excursions it could be $500 to $1500 per person.”

    “You should suggest he pick up his own expenses, and if he offers to pick up yours, great, but don’t suggest or expect it,” you counsel.

    “OK. Here’s where it gets dicey. If the roles were reversed, I’m guessing he’d pick up many of my expenses. And I’d let him pick up some.”

    You are so wise. Write me a comment telling me what you’d do if you were in my place.

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  • The addiction of dating

    Dating can be addicting. Why?

    There is the excitement of the chase. The first emails, the first phone calls, the first meetings. The attention of a man attempting to please you — to woo you. I’m often drawn to a man who says he’s wants to spoil his woman. I like spoiling, don’t you?

    With online dating, there is a steady steam of potential suitors. Men write and tell you they are drawn to you: “You are smart, sexy, beautiful.” Sounds good to me! I can’t help it, I fall for these old lines.

    Guys go out of their way to try to impress you. They (usually) want to make a great first impression, so they are charming (if they know how), chivalrous, engaging. Not all men, of course, but more are at the beginning of the dating cycle.

    When I’ve found myself in between beaus, I’ve feverishly searched various online dating sites looking for potential matches. I’ve violated my own “don’t initiate” rule and emailed interesting guys. To be without my fix of dating (e.g., attention) can be unnerving. You do what you need to do to score a flirty email or coffee date.

    So beware. The dating dance can be habit forming. Watch out if you find yourself constantly searching the dealers (online dating sites), and be careful of doing things you know are not in your best interest (dating a guy you know isn’t a good match) just to get your high.

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