Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

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  • Playing the online dating game

    I got winked at today by someone whose profile was without a picture. In fact, in place of the picture the dating site says “Ask for a picture.”

    However, his profile says “I care whats [sic] inside not the cover and its important that the first thing her email says is not send me a picture (how shallow). I am not Robert Redford or Mel Gibson but I can hold my own when it comes to looks but this does not mean I am ready to send a photo to the world.”

    This guy clearly doesn’t understand how the online dating game works. And good or bad, a photo says volumes about a person. It’s not just if you think he is attractive or not, it’s what a person decides to post. A 53-year-old guy posted — as his only pic — one of him at 17. What is he thinking? Others post photos that are too dark to see his face, or too small, or in a dirty t-shirt, or with sunglasses and a hat. Obviously, all these guys are clueless how the game is played.

    Another clueless person was one who wrote me a nice email. I am not a member of the site, so could only respond with the site’s pre-determined responses. Usually, when you write someone, you give him your email in case they aren’t members. He did not. Then he wrote me a nasty email complaining that I’d only sent one of the pre-determined messages. He didn’t realize that if you aren’t a member that’s all you can send. I have joined sites just to respond to someone, but his response showed me how angry he can get over nothing, so I didn’t want to join to write him.

    So you have to know how the game is played and at play along. Trying to buck the system will only get you heartache — and few dates!

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  • Don’t think you are damaged goods

    When you reenter the dating world at middle age, it is easy to focus on what is wrong with you. Your body is not as firm and lithe as it was in your 20’s. You have wrinkles, perhaps some cellulite, maybe some gray hair. You probably don’t have as much energy as you used to, or you have physical limitations due to injuries or parts wearing down. You might have kids living at home and feel few men would want to deal with that.

    Men seem to be most concerned about their hair loss. Women seem most concerned about weight gain. I’ve learned that many men are less concerned about a woman’s few extra pounds; women are less concerned about a man’s receding hairline.

    You should never feel as if you are damaged goods. If you are having self-doubts, make a list (maybe with the aid of a good friend) of all your positive characteristics. You want to exude confidence (without arrogance) so a man knows he is lucky to spend time with you.

    If you feel you could update your image, go to the make up counter at one of the major department stores and have a make over. It’s typically free. Buy some of the make up and wear it when you go out, even to the grocery store! You never know if you’ll run into your next husband in the cat food aisle, as one of my friends did.

    Also, Macy’s and Nordstrom have personal shoppers that can help you update your look. There is no cost for the service. Call and make an appointment. Tell her you’re looking for some dating clothes, your size and colors, and when you arrive she will have pulled things for you to try on. I’ve used these services many, many times. You aren’t obligated to buy anything, and she will bring you sales items as well as full-priced ones. She will help put together the whole outfit, including shoes, hose, and accessories so you feel totally pulled together.

    If you’re out of shape, start walking even if it’s only 15 minutes a day. It will do wonders for your outlook on life, and will begin to tone things up. If you are more energetic, take an exercise class. It’s amazing how quickly your energy and body can change.

    So there is no excuse for you to feel that you are less than stellar. You want to put your best foot forward on each date, so do what you need to do to accomplish that.

  • “Will date for food”

    I’m amazed when I hear of women who will accept dates with nearly anyone because they feel at least they’ll get a free meal out of it. I have one friend who feels this way.

    I don’t think it is fair to the man to accept an invitation just for the sake of a meal. It is using him when you have no interest in him.

    So, if you need a meal and can’t afford it, make yourself a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich!

  • Honesty is not always the best policy

    No, I am not suggesting you lie. I am suggesting, however, that there are times when full honesty is not the best at the time.

    For example, full disclosure is not always necessary on a first date. I’ve had guys tell me they were still living with their wives, had been adulterers, were being sued by their ex-girlfriend, had an IRS lien on their house, had done something illegal, and had an STD. I had a doctor disclose his license had been on probation for carrying a concealed weapon and brought the paper work to show the probation was complete. Another shared his ex had called the cops accusing him of child molestation. And I had one man explain he enjoyed dressing in women’s clothes!

    Now all of these things would be important to know — if I was interested in going further. However, I think it would have been fine if I was told on the second date. I’m sure the guys thought they were being forthright — which they were — by disclosing possible deal breakers from the beginning. I just thought this sort of total honesty was a bit much for a first “let’s meet” date. In fact, most of these disclosures meant there was not a second date, so you could say they saved me time and energy.

    Another time full honesty may not be the best policy is when you are saying you don’t want to see him again. You could list the litany of his character flaws to show why you aren’t a good match. However a dear friend was recently devastated when a woman he dated a few times told him she didn’t want to see him again because he was too effeminate. He knew he was a “soft” man, so this did nothing to help him, and affected his self-esteem thinking no woman would find him attractive.

    So disclose what you think might be a deal breaker, but hold some things in reserve for the second date. Some things you think might be a deal breaker actually won’t be for the right guy.

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  • It’s raining men!

     

    “Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home. I’m tired.” —Mae West

    One of the beauties of online dating is it seems there is a never-ending supply of suitors. At least that’s my experience. And I have pretty stringent criteria for my matches. Yes, I get 10 times more guys winking and emailing who don’t come close to matching my criteria. But it seems that weekly I get a few who meet enough criteria to respond to their inquiry.

    It is fun to meet new guys, although it can be time consuming, and if you let it, frustrating. Once I had 7 dates with 6 guys in 5 days. It is exhilarating to feel desirable, yet as I’ve become more experienced, I’ve become more discerning. Now I see two to four new guys a month, rather than a week.

    The downside to this abundance, in addition to the time to correspond, talk on the phone and meet, is that there’s a sense that there is someone better just a mouse click away. If you are not desperate for a relationship, it is easy to reject every one, focusing on a fatal flaw. However, once in a while, when a guy seems to scratch a particular itch I’m feeling, I’ll hang out with him for a while, until one of us realizes we aren’t a good long-term match and it isn’t fair to the other to continue as if we were.

    So while abundance is a positive thing, when you find someone you click with, try to stay present to his good qualities, rather than thinking “Who else is online?” When I can see that my current beau has been online within 24 hours of my being on the site, I know he doesn’t think we’re long-term either, even if neither of us says it.

    So when it’s raining men, come into the shelter of one guy and dry off for a while and see how it feels. Who knows, you might just get an umbrella to fend off other potential suitors — at least for a while.

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  • Start with coffee

    StarbucksNew online daters have shared that they are concerned about accepting a date with someone and as soon as they meet him, they know he is not a match. If the plan is for dinner, dancing, lunch or hiking, they know the are in for hours of making polite conversation with someone they know is not their type.

    The solution: Start with coffee.

    If you have not met this person, no matter how charming and fun he sounds on the phone or in emails, start with coffee. If you meet and hit it off, coffee can easily extend to lunch or dinner. I’ve had 5-hour dates that started with coffee and went into lunch or dinner.

    Coffee is a minimal time investment: 30 minutes to an hour. You can be polite to nearly anyone for 30 minutes, can’t you? Even if you meet and know there is no attraction, fight the urge to exit after 5 or 10 minutes. Unless he is totally offensive, stick it out for 30 minutes. You may make a new pal, or have a gal pal who he might be good for.

    I’ve dissuaded guys who wanted to start with dinner and dancing. I’ve learned from experience. I now say “Let’s start with coffee and see if we hit if off and want to spend more time together. Then our second date can be that nice dinner that you’re suggesting.” They understand and agree.

    If you want to meet after work, a drink would seem logical. However, it is a tad awkward as it gets toward dinner time to decline an offer of dinner if he thinks it is going well. But if you want to bail, don’t do dinner. Extricate yourself as gracefully as possible: “I’m sorry, I must be going.” “I have a big day tomorrow, so want to get ready for it tonight.”

    This is why coffee is the perfect solution. For some reason it is less of a problem to leave when your coffee cup is drained. So don’t set up yourself to suffer — agree to start with coffee.

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  • The art of consideration

    When most guys are starting to woo a woman, they work to make her happy. They do things that they think will show they are considerate and care. They suggest activities they think she’ll like.

    I’ve dated guys who were very considerate. One said “You pick the movie/restaurant and I’ll pay.” to show he was flexible. Others have brought small gifts they think I’ll like, or suggested movies or restaurants they are pretty certain I’d like. This goes a long way in the wooing department.

    However, ask yourself if what he is doing that he thinks is considerate matches your definition. One potential suitor calls me every day, which I’m sure he thinks is showing he’s considerate. Unfortunately, he calls me at 7:30 a.m. on his way to work. I am not a morning person. So he awakens me, then chastises me for being a sleepy head. He goes to bed at 9:00, I go to bed between 11 and midnight. So he’s bright eyed at 5:30. I am not.

    So even though I’ve explained to him that I am not a morning person, he continues to call when it’s convenient for him, not me.

    While I have given him grace and thought about his point of view — that he is being considerate — I’ve finally concluded that he isn’t listening when I tell him he’s awakening me, so is not being considerate. I think consideration is a foundation to a positive relationship. So I’m going to have to tell this guy not to call me — no matter what the time!

  • Dating is like house hunting

    “He who hesitates is a damned fool.” —Mae West

    My friend Ken Braly wrote a hilarious piece, “Finding A House, Finding A Spouse” (posted in the Pages section) about how dating is like shopping for a home. I see this parallel.

    If you are shopping for a new home, you would want to see properties that are close to what you’re looking for as soon as possible. You have some urgency because you know the property is on the market and many others are looking at the same place. If you don’t act quickly, you could miss out on your dream home.

    Sometimes I am surprised by the guys who start emailing and/or calling, but don’t seem to have any urgency about meeting. The only conclusion I can make is they aren’t that interested in me. Of course, they may already be dating someone and fishing to have a “reserve” woman in case the current one doesn’t work out.

    So by not setting something up, they may be missing out on their dream woman. I’m not meaning to sound conceited, as the knife cuts both ways. If I ignore the calls or emails of someone who seems promising, he may become disinterested, or meet someone who better fits his criteria.

    If a man seems too urgent — pressing to meet me the same day we connect — then he seems desperate. There has to be a balance.

    But if he’s made contact, we’ve emailed and chatted, and there’s no “close” for the date, I get the impression he’s not very interested. Even if he is traveling the next day, most guys who are interested will put something on their calendar for when they return.

    So don’t let your dream guy move on by not responding within a day or two of his contact. And if he doesn’t invite you to meet him within a week of your chatting and emailing, he probably isn’t that interested. Move on, as there are other properties to look at!

  • No rules for dating after 40

    I was sharing my dating life with a married friend. She said she was glad she wasn’t dating now because there are no rules. When she was dating (40 years ago) there were rules. “Like what?” I asked.

    “No kissing on the first date.” “Really?” I responded incredulously. “I’ve had some fantastic kisses on the first date. What else?”

    “No sleeping together on the first date.” OK, that one I agreed with. “Go on.”

    “Men are gentlemen and open doors, pay for the date, make sure you get home safely.” OK, those are fine.

    “But there really aren’t any rules,” I explained. “People come from different experiences, so you have to just be clear on what your rules are and don’t bend them.”

    Which can be hard. If you are really into each other, it would be easy to progress as if you’d known each other for a while. “It just feels so comfortable,” you tell yourself. However, that momentary comfortableness will lapse into hurt and betrayal if you allow yourself to go farther than your “rule” would allow, then he never calls again. You feel used, undisciplined, and perhaps slutty.

    So know your own rules and boundaries. And when you want to ignore them — or he is coaxing you to do so — know it’s time to end the date for today. I’m all for spontaneity, but know that sometimes spontaneous actions cause a lot of pain later.

  • Dr. Jekyll/Ms. Hyde: Start the date on the right foot

    Yesterday a male friend told me how his last date lasted 5 minutes. He’s an affable, considerate, tolerant guy, so I couldn’t imagine what could go wrong in 5 minutes.

    He said he’d had great, fun, pleasant, in-depth phone conversations with the woman, then asked her to a high-end restaurant for dinner. Nearly immediately after sitting down, she started telling him he was too religious and finding fault with other aspects of his life that are important to him. Even for this patient, sweet guy, enough was enough. He said “This isn’t working for me,” paid for the wine and left. He said he’d felt he had met Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde.

    If she had trouble with his religiousness, she should not have accepted the date. Telling him was not going to change him. The only thing it changed was his willingness stick around and treat her to a nice evening.

    First dates are about getting to know each other, not about fault-finding. You should be your best self — being on your best behavior but being yourself as well. You shouldn’t pretend you are someone you aren’t, but you should work to make yourself appealing enough that he wants to see you again.

  • Long-distance suitor and the first date

    “Absence makes the heart grow fonder— of somebody else.” —Anonymous

    A man who lives 400 miles away has been flirting with me for months and calls every day. He decided he would fly to my city this weekend to meet me. He’d get a car and a hotel room, so there would be no discomfort with him wanting to stay with me.

    Today he called and said “I have an idea. Why don’t you come here? Some weeks ago I’d made plans with the guys to golf at a resort a few hours away, and I still have the reservations even though the outing is off. And it would be easier, as I wouldn’t have to schlep my golf clubs on the plane to your place.”

    A few things immediately crossed my mind. First, easier on who? Certainly not me, as I’d have to schlep myself (sans clubs) to his place, then be at his mercy unless I rented a car.

    Also, this was the first mention of golf. Isn’t the whole point of getting together to spend some quality time and see how we like each other? When he’s spending one day of the two we are to be together on the golf course, that limits our getting-to-know-you time.

    Then there’s staying at the resort. This is our first time meeting. Would he expect to sleep with me? Or do I rent another room? This first encounter was now starting to cost me a pretty penny for a guy who was willing and interested in me enough to come to me.

    I stammered that I would think about it and we could talk about it later today. I will bring up my concerns, especially about sleeping arrangements.

    First dates can be hard enough without adding the complications of feeling put out by the arrangements. If I were advising someone else, I’d say save the resort time for later in the relationship when you know you click. I think I’ll take my own advice!
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