Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Tag: dating after 50

  • He had me from “You’re gorgeous!”

    Jerry McGuireIn “Jerry McGuire,” Renee Zellweger‘s character tells Jerry “You had me from ‘hello.’” Mine was a little different.

    We’d talked a few times on the phone and had nice, but brief, conversations. I wrote about him in “Putting your best voice forward.” I had no idea if I’d be attracted to him or him to me. We agreed to meet at a coffee shop after work.

    He called from a block away, telling me he’d be there in a minute. When he walked in the door, I waived. A giant grin filled his face. He walked toward me, his arms extended for a hug. I embraced the invitation! His first words: “You’re gorgeous!” What a great start!

    He was tall, well dressed, and nice looking, even though he’s bald. Bald is sexy on some men — and it certainly was on him. As the evening progressed, I learned he was funny, intelligent, thoughtful, attentive, chivalrous, insightful, accomplished, humble and well educated.

    We laughed, smiled and shared. We got so engrossed in each other we forgot to order coffee. He asked good, interesting questions and listened intently. After asking “Do you like to be touched?” and I responded “Absolutely!” he reached over and took my hand.

    After 90 minutes, we walked hand-in-hand down the street and listened to the band playing outside. As we swayed to the music he slipped his arm around my waist. He moved it to the back of my neck, which he tenderly stroked.

    He asked if I wanted to have dinner. Yes, I did. While we stood in a corner waiting for the outside table to be cleared, he gently kissed me. Nothing hot and heavy, just a sweet kiss. At the table, he sat in the chair next to me. We held hands throughout dinner.

    He told me he liked my dimples. I thanked him. I didn’t tell him that I don’t have dimples — those are laugh lines, AKA wrinkles! He also said, based on some of my comments, it seemed I wasn’t completely happy with the shape of my body. I said yes, that was true, I’d like to lose more weight. He said “I love your body. If you’re concerned about any bumps or jiggles, that is what bodies our age are supposed to do.” I wanted to run away with him right then.

    We were the last couple in the restaurant. As we left, we passed a club with dance music spilling out. He said “Let’s check this out,” and escorted me inside to the dance floor. Heaven! We had one dance before the band took a break.

    He walked me to my car, opening my door, then we lingered in a sweet kiss. He was a gentleman and didn’t try to take liberties beyond a kiss. And a great kisser he was! We parted with a promise he’d call the next day. Which he did.

    This was one of the very best first dates I’ve had in a long, long time. And it all started with “You’re gorgeous!” Note to self: the first response can set the tone for the whole evening — and beyond. So make sure you respond positively if you have a good initial reaction.

    (I also wrote about him in “Falling in lust,” “Be creative to get his attention!” and “The two-suitor conundrum” where I referred to him as “Mr. Dreamboat.” I’ll tell you what happened with this one — and the lessons I’ve learned — in another posting soon. Stay tuned!)

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  • Are you drawn to “Oscar” or “Felix”?

    Odd CoupleDo you like guys who are more Oscar-like or more like Felix? Recently, I got to test for myself.

    For 7 weeks I dated a guy who was a lot like Jack Klugman‘s character Oscar Madison in “The Odd Couple.” While a very sweet, smart, affectionate, attentive guy, he always looked rumpled. He was even disheveled naked!I began to doubt the man owned an iron — if he did he either had no idea where it was or no clue how to use it.

    When I visited his house, it was decorated in “early student” — torn couch, dust everywhere, crumbs on the floor so I didn’t dare go barefoot. The cobwebs were so thick in every corner they looked like ropes. I had to ask him to wipe the TV screen before watching a DVD because I couldn’t see the picture. I didn’t like to eat or drink there because the dishes looked like they hadn’t been washed. His front yard was so weed covered, I took it upon myself to pull some while we had wine on his leaf-littered porch. The back yard was so overgrown, he’d received nuisance citations from the city two years in a row! Needless to say, I didn’t accept many invitations to visit him there.

    Contrast that to a guy I just visited who was more like Tony Randall‘s character Felix Unger. Fastidious must be his middle name. His car is spotless inside and out. His luxury penthouse apartment appears straight out of Architectural Digest. His dining room is pre-set with china for six — even though he’s never had a dinner party at this place.

    He has 3 color-coordinated pot holders on the kitchen counter, meticulously spaced. His bathroom towels are hung with a bath towel, then a contrasting hand towel over that, then another contrasting towel arranged horizontally around the previous towel. No one would ever use any of these towels like this! After using the chenille throw while watching TV, I folded it and placed it back in its place when done. I later noticed he’d refolded it!

    He always looks crisp, something I admire. In the 6 dates we’ve been on, he’s always looked clean and pressed. If I didn’t know better, I’d guess that he irons his briefs! Although thankfully, he doesn’t apparently iron his jeans.

    So which do I prefer? Felix wins hands down! While “anal-retentive” does come to mind, I’m much happier around someone who gives some attention to looking good and to living in a clean environment. Only time will tell if this meticulousness translates into perfectionist and control freak.

  • “Hot bunking” your beaus

    No, I am not suggesting you hot wire your guys!

    The original phrase “hot bunking” relates to sleeping in shifts on a ship. There aren’t enough bunks so one sailor gets up and another, just getting off duty, lies down before the other’s body heat dissipates.

    I’m using the term tongue-in-cheek here, not literally! By “hot bunking” I’m referring to those days when you have a date with more than one guy. One gal pal shared she had 3 dates with 3 guys in one day! Wow! And I thought I once had a busy week going on seven dates with six guys in five days!

    The secret to hot bunking is to plan the dates with enough time in between so you aren’t looking worriedly at your watch if the waiter is slow. So have a lunch date and a late-afternoon coffee date, or a drink after work. Or a morning coffee date and an afternoon one. Don’t try to do a coffee date right before lunch, unless you’ve told him you have a lunch engagement so must leave by a certain time. And don’t schedule two dates in the same restaurant, as the second might be early as you’re hugging the first one goodbye! In the same mall is fine, but you do run the risk of date # 1 lingering to shop and running into you with date #2.

    The other secret is to review the details of #2 right before you meet, so you don’t get his details intertwined with #1. I bring a print out of #2s profile with me and any notes I’ve taken from phone conversations. I review them before I meet #2.

    And if they do happen to cross over — you run into #1 in the mall while walking with #2 to Starbucks — just be cool. If you see #1 don’t try to hide, although sometimes a quick duck in a store with #2 may be the best move. But if you know he saw you, make eye contact, smile, waive, and if you speak, introduce them to each other briefly, but don’t linger. Hopefully, #2 won’t be hanging all over you, so you don’t need to explain who he is. And exit quickly, so neither one asks the other “So how do you know this hottie?” If you handle it coolly, they might see they aren’t alone pursuing you and need to act quickly to win your heart.

    ___________________

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  • Boynton Beach Club shows older-dating joys and trials

    boyntonbeachclub_200608171454.jpgYesterday, the Washington Post ran a fun article reviewing the new movie on older dating: “Cast of the Gray-Hot Lovers In ‘Boynton Beach,’ a New Wrinkle on a Mature Subject.” While you have to register to get free access to the article, it’s worth a read, and sounds like the movie is worth watching. It has a stellar cast, including Dyan Cannon, Michael Nouri, Sally Kellerman, Len Cariou and Joseph Bologna.

    The movie shows some of the things that have been discussed in this blog: the angst of getting naked for the first time with a romantic partner, the tentativeness of first encounters, the joys of having a cuddle partner and more. It sounds like the subject is handled with humor and tenderness.

    So what are the differences dating over 60 vs. dating from 40-60? What stands out for you?

    In the 40-60 age range there aren’t as many people who’ve suffered the death of a spouse. Also, if we’re concerned about our bodies not being as great as when we were in our 20s, the 60+ group seems to have even more issues with this. Fundamentally, however, starting dating again and entering into romantic relationships has some of the same excitement and fears, although we certainly know more about what we want the older we get.

    If you see the movie, come back here and write your review.

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  • The boyfriend phone

    I give a prospective suitor only my cell phone number until I know him well enough to know he won’t be a stalker. A cell phone number can’t be traced easily to a street address, as a land line can.

    Since few people other than potential or current suitors call me on this phone, I’ve begun referring to it as “the boyfriend phone.” Sort of like the Bat Phone, but they get the Goddess rather than Batman. And while their needs may seem urgent to them, unlike Batman, rarely do I drop everything and fly to them. Their urgency passes once they take a cold shower or start doing their taxes and stop thinking about the delectable Goddess.

    Once we exchange numbers, I enter his into my cell phone. Then when/if he calls, I know who I’ll be talking to, unless he’s blocked his ID. If I’m with another guy, I turn off the ringer and don’t answer. That would be rude!

    Some people have ring tones specific to each guy. I wanted to have “It Must Be Him” or “Some Enchanted Evening” or “Let’s Get it On” linked to specific guys, depending on how I felt about him. But drat, I can’t figure out how to download ring tones to my Verizon Treo 650. (I have to download to my computer then sync.) Have any hints?

    If you use your cell primarily for personal calls and potential beaus, consider only giving your first name in the outgoing message, again for your safety. It is so easy to Google you and find out where you live and a map to your house. There’s no need to give more info than needed.

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  • What’s your “perfect boyfriend’s” job description?

    “When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal woman. Well, I found her — but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.” —Robert Schuman

    It has been said that first dates are like job interviews, with both sides interviewing for the other’s position of “sweetheart/lover/mate.” While most have done some work listing the characteristics of their perfect mate — the candidate’s qualifications, they don’t usually list their expectations — the actual job description.

    Since I am starting to see a new guy who interviews and hires people for a living, I decided to put our relationship in his language — a job description. However, since he’s out of town, I thought I’d practice on a guy who lives out of the area, but calls me regularly.

    I told him I wanted to play a game with him. He said fine. I said “Mr. X, I understand there is an opening for Mr. X’s girlfriend. What are the candidate’s requirements and the job description?”

    He laughed. “Well, she needs to be smart, beautiful on the inside, and fun.”

    “Hmm. What about beautiful on the outside? You have to be attracted to her, right?

    “Yes. But if she’s beautiful on the inside, that will come through.”

    “No requirements for body shape or height? Most men have some preferences here.”

    “I’m a leg man. I like good legs.”

    Beyonce“‘Good legs’ has different definitions for different people. Are you thinking the legs of Cameron Diaz, Beyonce, or Queen Latifah?”

    “Beyonce,” he said firmly. “Cameron Diaz’ legs are too skinny.”

    “What about touch? Do you like touch?”

    “There’s touch and then there’s Touch. The latter needs to be behind closed doors.”

    And on we went. I found it helpful to clarify what he meant about nebulous words. I shared what I was looking for in my guy’s job description. But I realized that I, like most people, had clearly written the candidate’s characteristics (tall, smart, funny, nice looking, active, chivalrous, accomplished), but I hadn’t written the job description. I have been gathering parts of the list in my head, but will flush out what I’ve begun to notice I like and want.

    Job description of the Goddess’s perfect boyfriend

    Seeking self-starting, action-oriented, smart, fun, playful, tall (6’0″+), physically active man, age 47-60, wanted for long-term relationship with tall, affectionate, fun, smart, playful, accomplished, thoughtful, feisty, positive Goddess. This Goddess is considered one of the top “catches” by many and few make it past the first interview. The top candidate will receive benefits far beyond what most others offer and these will be fully disclosed to the top qualified candidates. They include lots of kissing, caressing, cuddling and more, passion, understanding, respect, kindness, fun activities, home-cooked meals, laughter, support of your endeavors, positive attitude and feedback.

    The job entails:

    • Treating the Goddess like someone loved and cherished. This includes, but is not limited to, talking every day, being chivalrous (opening doors, etc.), romance (sweet talk, compliments, planning outings, flowers, surprises).
    • Working out any disagreements, rather than clamming up or disappearing.
    • Being loyal and not seeking other women.
    • Being a passionate and giving lover who also openly receives. Great kissing required.
    • Giving grace if the Goddess does something he initially interprets as negative.
    • Sharing feelings about life and our relationship on a regular basis.
    • Working to continually improve himself and his environment.
    • Living his life with personal integrity, including but not limited to, doing what he says he will, calling when he promises, doing what’s right, not necessarily what’s easy.
    • Having the courage to bring up difficult topics, and engaging maturely when the Goddess does the same.
    • Being financially mature and responsible.
    • Consciously taking care of his body so he is healthy and active.
    • Laughing at the Goddess’s attempts to be funny.
    • Socializing willingly and pleasantly in groups or with friends, both his and hers.
    • Planning outings like dancing, foreign films, dinners out, theater, parties, concerts, and other activities both enjoy. Initiating plans for events he thinks the Goddess would like, proposing them, and then arranging for the tickets, etc.
    • Participating in physical activities together (biking, hiking, walking, dancing) or alone (working out, running, golf, other sports). Regular physical activity a must.

    I may just email these to prospective suitors before we meet and see if they’re interested in the job!

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  • Dating differences: it’s in the brains

    My friend Ian forwarded the following excerpt from an article on the difference between male and female brains, as it relates to dating and relationships.

    “‘[Women] use different brain areas and circuits to solve problems, process language, experience and store the same strong emotion,’ [researcher] Brizendine says. ‘Women may remember the smallest details of their first dates, and their biggest fights, while their husbands barely remember that these things happened.’ Their inborn ability to “mirror emotions” makes women more sensitive to the feelings of others.

    “But with these great powers comes the great headache of a capricious mix of neuro-hormonal players, a bouillabaisse of estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, oxytocin, cortisol and vasopressin, to name a few ingredients. Testosterone-driven men, comparatively speaking, are a quick study.

    “‘Because of the fluctuations that begin as early as three months and last until after menopause, a woman’s neurological reality is not as constant as a man’s,’ Brizendine writes. ‘His is like a mountain that is worn away imperceptibly over the millennia by glaciers … Hers is more like the weather itself — constantly changing and hard to predict.’

    “Every brain, the author notes, begins female. But by week eight, a male’s genetic calendar calls for a toga party with killer kegs of testosterone, effectively killing off cells in the communication centres of the brain while diverting growth to the sex and aggression centres. Which really tells you everything you need to know about la difference.”

    It explains a lot, doesn’t it? So when a man communicates caringly and sensitively, we should applaud loudly and acknowledge him as it is out of his DNA’s comfort zone.

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  • First-date red flags that this guy isn’t for you

    He’s pleasant and cordial. However, there are red flags that make you cautious. Some by themselves are deal breakers (he drinks too much), while others have the cumulative effect of “I’m going to pass on this guy.” For each woman the red flags she notices will be different. Here are some of mine:

    • He talks too much. He doesn’t ask you a question, except perhaps a trite one like “Tell me about yourself.” Or, as a recent date kept asking, “So, how are you?” The same as I was 5 minutes ago, but getting more turned off each time you ask!
    • He has poor manners. He interrupts frequently, orders first, eats non-finger-food with his hands in a nice restaurant, walks ahead of you, doesn’t open doors.
    • He’s poorly dressed for the activity. He shows up in badly wrinkled shirts or slacks, rips in clothing, poorly kept, unpolished, or filthy shoes, ill-fitting clothes (too big, too small), hair disheveled or dirty, or shorts for a white-tablecloth dinner. While most guys are not clothes horses, they should at least be clean and neat.
    • He has trouble keeping eye contact, seems distracted by nearly everything around him. If he’s having this much trouble staying focused, guess what? He’ll have trouble staying focused on you in the relationship. Inattention plays out in other ways in a relationship, but I’ve seen the signs from the beginning with inability to stay focused in the conversation.
    • He’s condescending to service staff. He is snotty to the waiter, snaps at the clerk, is arrogant with the ticket taker or valet. He doesn’t have to act like they are his best friends, but needs to be pleasant and cordial to everyone he interacts with.
    • He seems paranoid and negative. He goes off on how all corporations are colluding to screw consumers, the government reads everyone’s email and listens to every phone call, etc. He makes broad negative generalizations about people, women, government, etc. He gets irritated at life’s common mishaps of traffic, lines, rude behavior, high prices. Life is too short to be listening to someone’s frequent rants.
    • He gets sexual way too early. He tries to French kiss within minutes of meeting you, has his hand on your thigh, talks about how he wants to make love to you in various locations/positions, rubs his body inappropriately on yours, gropes you, at the end of the date he suggests he come home with you or you with him.
    • He complains about the women from past relationships. Or focuses on bad-date stories. He’s got an ax to grind and issues with women. You don’t want to be the one to try to get him to see there are lots of good women out there.

    The bottom line is to be aware of the times you feel disappointed with his self-focus, inattention to you, disrespect, or boorish behavior. You can’t build a relationship on a foundation of disappointment. You may think other attributes will make up for these disappointments, but while many of them are changeable, do you really want a fix-up-project man?

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  • The importance of sweet talk

    You’ve developed a fondness for each other in several long phone conversations, so you agree to meet. There are signs he’s attracted — he touches you gently, holds your hand, looks you in the eye, pays attention to what you say, asks about you and your interests, seems interested in pleasing you.

    You are drawn to him, too. Yet something seems missing. What?

    You’d like some verbal confirmation. Guys might say “What are you talking about? The guy’s showing he’s interested!” But it’s nice to hear it, too.

    I like it when a guy compliments me, says he’s glad to see me, that I look nice, smell good, etc. I don’t know why, but it reassures me. Of course, he could be using his usual “You are beautiful” line that he says to every woman, but it still sounds good to me!

    I also like it when he uses endearing terms: “sweetheart,” “darling,” “my dear,” “babe,” “sugar,” even “sweetie” will do. Hey, I’ll even take “sugar cookie,” “snookums,” “cupcake,” “blueberry muffin,” or “my sweet baboo” (yes, I’ve been called all those). Some even call me “goddess,” which of course I adore! (Please — no “poopsie!)

    While sometimes talk can be cheap, often it is worth millions. A few endearing comments can melt my heart and has occasionally made me more enamored with a guy than I might have without them.

    So when you like something about a guy, let him know. If you feel a fondness, let a “sweetie” slip out. It might — or might not — mean as much to him, but if he’s astute he will hear what you like and return it in kind.

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  • Anticipating a big date is like awaiting Santa

    Sexy santaTonight I’m meeting a man with whom I’ve been communicating for a month, with nearly daily hour-long phone calls. I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve, unsettled with the excitement of what Santa will bring. Do you remember that feeling of joyous anticipation as you await a big event?

    Will the electricity be as great in person as it has been on the phone? Will he look like his pictures? What if he doesn’t like how I look? What if I don’t like the real-life version as much as I’ve like the virtual version? Will it be better than I imagine or worse?

    It takes will power not to build up impossible expectations, which lead to inevitable disappointments. Trying to be Zen, “Whatever is is,” feels unattainable. Singing “Whatever will be will be,” trite.

    Why is this meeting so different than previous first encounters? First, we’ve connected deeply for a month, talking about things that matter: goals, fears, feelings, accomplishments, mistakes, regrets. This creates pent-up expectations. Second, this man has behaved differently than any of his predecessors. In fact, he’s so unlike any of the others, I waived my “locals only” rule since he lives 2000 miles away. How will we ever develop a relationship long distance? How can that possibly work? Yet I know that if two people want something to work, they will be very creative to make it happen.

    So today I wait. I busy myself with work to keep my mind occupied. I’m sure I’ll start getting ready way before I really need to. I don’t want to be rushed. I want to look my best. I don’t want to be stressed with little setbacks — run in the stockings, changing outfits to choose the right one, heavier-than-usual traffic. I want to be relaxed and stress free for this big date. Wouldn’t you?

    I wonder what surprises Santa will bring.

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  • “Pimpin’” — Dating multiple guys

     

    “Save a boyfriend for a rainy day — and another, in case it doesn’t rain.” —Mae West

    I’ve found that successful dating requires juggling several men at once. It is like sales, you have to have a number of prospects in the pipeline. I frequently date several men in the same time period until two of us decide to be exclusive or one of us decides to move on. If you only date one at a time, it takes too long to get the next one in the pipeline.

    When I was explaining this to my teenaged nieces, they said I was “pimpin’.” Now hold your hat — their definition of a pimp was not the same as mine. It merely means dating around. Let’s be clear here that dating around does not mean sleeping around. You can date multiple people and not sleep with any of them. In fact, I’d recommend you not sleep with any of them until you decide to be exclusive and you both agree that means letting go of all the others you’ve been seeing. It is not wise or safe to be a “player.”

    Dating around takes special skills. You have to remember the guy’s name when you’re with him, unlike the time I was halfway through dinner and couldn’t think of my date’s name (it was a first date). I have been told by a guy pal that when a man can’t remember your name on a date, he calls you “sweetie.” You think it’s endearing; he gets off the hook.

    You also have to remember other details that he’s shared, otherwise you’ll ask the same things over again and he’ll think you didn’t pay any attention at all. I’ll share an easy way to track this in another posting.

    You have to have the discipline to not talk about your other guys while on a date. This is déclassé. While you can imply that you are seeing others, don’t throw it in his face. He may think you are slutty.

    But dating around gives you an opportunity to have multiple activity needs met. One likes foreign films, another opera. One likes to hike, another is a tennis buff.

    BTW, he may be dating around, too. Clarify this on the first few dates just to be sure you’re on the same page. When I do this, I always ask if he’s sleeping with anyone. Multiple sex partners increase the risk of STDs. I recommend not sleeping with anyone til you’ve decided to be exclusive, then you both get tested for STDs before going further.

    So dating around has its pros and cons. I find the pros outweigh the cons, and open, honest communication is best if you are going to date others simultaneously.