Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Are you ready for Mr. Great?

  • A favorite question to ask

    Dr. Phil says we don’t ask the right questions when determining if someone might be a good match for us. I’m sure he’s right. I now have a list of questions I *wish* I’d asked, which I’ll post later.

    One of my favorite questions to ask tells me a lot about the man. I explain that I was invited to a Halloween singles’ dance and potluck. The invitation said to come dressed as “your shadow side” — the part of you you’re not proud of having others know about you. You know, things like you’re a slob, couch potato, controlling, etc. I pondered dressing in several costumes, like a judge’s robe because my ex said I was judgmental, or a witch with a big “B” on my chest because… well you know why. Before I tell him what I finally decided on, I ask what were things he’d consider.

    His response tells me a lot. If he can’t think of anything he’s not proud of, it tells me he’s not very introspective. We all have things we want to change. If he comes up with things like “Superman,” he’s not clear on the concept of “shadow side.”

    Even if he doesn’t come up with something immediately, his reaction to the question and discussion around this tell me a lot.

    What question could you ask that tells you a lot?

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • When it clicks, throw out some of your criteria

    I met a wonderful man online 10 days ago. He is successful, intelligent, funny, gentlemanly, worldly, interesting, communicative, educated, considerate, articulate, complimentary, shares his feelings, and is a great conversationalist. So far, we share the values we’ve discussed. We have similar political views and philosophies about life. We are both small business owners. We talk every day for an hour. But we haven’t met. Why?

    Because he lives 2000 miles away.

    I nearly never communicate with a man outside a 1-hour drive from my home. Why? Because I’ve found it takes being with a man to really see how I feel around him. How does he treat me when we’re together? It’s easy to be charming and chivalrous on the phone. It’s another thing when he walks 5 steps ahead or doesn’t look me in the eye when he talks.

    So far, I really like what I’ve gotten to know. More so than any other man I’ve encountered in this dating adventure. We are arranging a time to meet, but we both have extended travel coming up soon. We are looking at connecting in person when we both return.

    I’ll let you know then if I will reassess my no-long-distance-relationship rule. I think this one may be worth ditching the rule for.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • 50 ways to leave your lover? 4 ways NOT to leave your suitor

    If you know it isn’t a good match, you owe it to him to tell him and then either move on or become friends. But do so graciously, respectfully and gracefully, no matter what. Here are four ways NOT to let him know.

    • Via email — if you’ve dated him more than a few times, have the guts to tell him that you aren’t going to see him again in person, or if that’s not possible by phone. I had a lover break up with me via an email after we’d dated exclusively for 7 weeks. He said he was too cowardly to do it in person! It was disrespectful and hurtful to not do it in person when we’d just seen each other the day before.
    • After only a few minutes — After 10 minutes one guy told me that he wasn’t attracted to me so he was leaving. On one hand, good that he didn’t waste either of our time. But he could have been more graceful than saying “I’m not attracted.” How uncouth!
    • Yahoo messangerBy IM — This is the modern version of the “Sex and The City” Berger break-up Post-It to Carrie. Tacky. A guy I had been dating for 6 weeks sent me an Instant Message breaking up with me — when he knew I wouldn’t be around to read it until later. Essentially, it is as classless and spineless as an email.
    • AWOL — Not returning emails or voice mails. I’ve had two guys do this, one I’d dated for 6 weeks. After talking 5 or 6 times a day for 6 weeks, he suddenly didn’t respond to any emails, IMs or voice mails. He’d left some clothes at my house that I wanted to return to him after I didn’t hear back for a few days, and he still didn’t respond. I left them on his front porch, as there was not much else I could do.

    Have the courage and decency to be gently honest when you release this person back into the dating pool. You will feel better about youself, and you’ll leave him not hating you.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • Have a good memory to avoid repeating mistakes

    Today a nice-looking man emailed me. Based on his profile, he would be someone I would be interested in getting to know. He met most of my criteria.

    However, as I looked at his picture, I felt I had seen it before. Had he appeared in my matches before? If so, I would have contacted him. Had I done that? My cloudy memory seemed to remember some contact, but it went nowhere. Did he not respond? Say he wasn’t interested?

    I responded to his email asking if he remembered if we’d connected in the past. He said he didn’t think so, and did I want to get together. Whoa, cowboy! He was moving too fast! On the second email wanting a meeting without even having a “get to know you a bit” phone call? Something was off.

    Then I remembered. We had a phone call 6 months ago. I thought it was odd that he asked “If you felt the chemistry was right, how soon would you feel comfortable being intimate? The first date?” “No.” “The second date?” “No.” “The third date?” “I doubt it, but it is so dependent on how we click.”

    Although my radar was up that he was only looking for a quick roll in the hay, I agreed to meet him for coffee the next day. I tend to give people the benefit of a doubt, so thought I may have misinterpreted his questioning. I took his cell number and he took mine.

    I arrived at the coffee shop at the appointed time. I waited. And waited. And waited. After 20 minutes, I called his cell. Wrong number. Had I written it wrong or had he given me a fake number? I returned home. I emailed him asking what happened, giving him the grace of allowing he might have had an emergency. I never heard back.

    I figured that because I was not going to be an easy sex partner, he moved on and stood me up without the decency to call and cancel. And now he was again wanting to meet me.

    No, I will not be getting together with this inconsiderate guy.  My memory is too good.

  • Playing the online dating game

    I got winked at today by someone whose profile was without a picture. In fact, in place of the picture the dating site says “Ask for a picture.”

    However, his profile says “I care whats [sic] inside not the cover and its important that the first thing her email says is not send me a picture (how shallow). I am not Robert Redford or Mel Gibson but I can hold my own when it comes to looks but this does not mean I am ready to send a photo to the world.”

    This guy clearly doesn’t understand how the online dating game works. And good or bad, a photo says volumes about a person. It’s not just if you think he is attractive or not, it’s what a person decides to post. A 53-year-old guy posted — as his only pic — one of him at 17. What is he thinking? Others post photos that are too dark to see his face, or too small, or in a dirty t-shirt, or with sunglasses and a hat. Obviously, all these guys are clueless how the game is played.

    Another clueless person was one who wrote me a nice email. I am not a member of the site, so could only respond with the site’s pre-determined responses. Usually, when you write someone, you give him your email in case they aren’t members. He did not. Then he wrote me a nasty email complaining that I’d only sent one of the pre-determined messages. He didn’t realize that if you aren’t a member that’s all you can send. I have joined sites just to respond to someone, but his response showed me how angry he can get over nothing, so I didn’t want to join to write him.

    So you have to know how the game is played and at play along. Trying to buck the system will only get you heartache — and few dates!

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,
    ,

  • Don’t think you are damaged goods

    When you reenter the dating world at middle age, it is easy to focus on what is wrong with you. Your body is not as firm and lithe as it was in your 20’s. You have wrinkles, perhaps some cellulite, maybe some gray hair. You probably don’t have as much energy as you used to, or you have physical limitations due to injuries or parts wearing down. You might have kids living at home and feel few men would want to deal with that.

    Men seem to be most concerned about their hair loss. Women seem most concerned about weight gain. I’ve learned that many men are less concerned about a woman’s few extra pounds; women are less concerned about a man’s receding hairline.

    You should never feel as if you are damaged goods. If you are having self-doubts, make a list (maybe with the aid of a good friend) of all your positive characteristics. You want to exude confidence (without arrogance) so a man knows he is lucky to spend time with you.

    If you feel you could update your image, go to the make up counter at one of the major department stores and have a make over. It’s typically free. Buy some of the make up and wear it when you go out, even to the grocery store! You never know if you’ll run into your next husband in the cat food aisle, as one of my friends did.

    Also, Macy’s and Nordstrom have personal shoppers that can help you update your look. There is no cost for the service. Call and make an appointment. Tell her you’re looking for some dating clothes, your size and colors, and when you arrive she will have pulled things for you to try on. I’ve used these services many, many times. You aren’t obligated to buy anything, and she will bring you sales items as well as full-priced ones. She will help put together the whole outfit, including shoes, hose, and accessories so you feel totally pulled together.

    If you’re out of shape, start walking even if it’s only 15 minutes a day. It will do wonders for your outlook on life, and will begin to tone things up. If you are more energetic, take an exercise class. It’s amazing how quickly your energy and body can change.

    So there is no excuse for you to feel that you are less than stellar. You want to put your best foot forward on each date, so do what you need to do to accomplish that.

  • “Will date for food”

    I’m amazed when I hear of women who will accept dates with nearly anyone because they feel at least they’ll get a free meal out of it. I have one friend who feels this way.

    I don’t think it is fair to the man to accept an invitation just for the sake of a meal. It is using him when you have no interest in him.

    So, if you need a meal and can’t afford it, make yourself a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich!

  • Honesty is not always the best policy

    No, I am not suggesting you lie. I am suggesting, however, that there are times when full honesty is not the best at the time.

    For example, full disclosure is not always necessary on a first date. I’ve had guys tell me they were still living with their wives, had been adulterers, were being sued by their ex-girlfriend, had an IRS lien on their house, had done something illegal, and had an STD. I had a doctor disclose his license had been on probation for carrying a concealed weapon and brought the paper work to show the probation was complete. Another shared his ex had called the cops accusing him of child molestation. And I had one man explain he enjoyed dressing in women’s clothes!

    Now all of these things would be important to know — if I was interested in going further. However, I think it would have been fine if I was told on the second date. I’m sure the guys thought they were being forthright — which they were — by disclosing possible deal breakers from the beginning. I just thought this sort of total honesty was a bit much for a first “let’s meet” date. In fact, most of these disclosures meant there was not a second date, so you could say they saved me time and energy.

    Another time full honesty may not be the best policy is when you are saying you don’t want to see him again. You could list the litany of his character flaws to show why you aren’t a good match. However a dear friend was recently devastated when a woman he dated a few times told him she didn’t want to see him again because he was too effeminate. He knew he was a “soft” man, so this did nothing to help him, and affected his self-esteem thinking no woman would find him attractive.

    So disclose what you think might be a deal breaker, but hold some things in reserve for the second date. Some things you think might be a deal breaker actually won’t be for the right guy.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • It’s raining men!

     

    “Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home. I’m tired.” —Mae West

    One of the beauties of online dating is it seems there is a never-ending supply of suitors. At least that’s my experience. And I have pretty stringent criteria for my matches. Yes, I get 10 times more guys winking and emailing who don’t come close to matching my criteria. But it seems that weekly I get a few who meet enough criteria to respond to their inquiry.

    It is fun to meet new guys, although it can be time consuming, and if you let it, frustrating. Once I had 7 dates with 6 guys in 5 days. It is exhilarating to feel desirable, yet as I’ve become more experienced, I’ve become more discerning. Now I see two to four new guys a month, rather than a week.

    The downside to this abundance, in addition to the time to correspond, talk on the phone and meet, is that there’s a sense that there is someone better just a mouse click away. If you are not desperate for a relationship, it is easy to reject every one, focusing on a fatal flaw. However, once in a while, when a guy seems to scratch a particular itch I’m feeling, I’ll hang out with him for a while, until one of us realizes we aren’t a good long-term match and it isn’t fair to the other to continue as if we were.

    So while abundance is a positive thing, when you find someone you click with, try to stay present to his good qualities, rather than thinking “Who else is online?” When I can see that my current beau has been online within 24 hours of my being on the site, I know he doesn’t think we’re long-term either, even if neither of us says it.

    So when it’s raining men, come into the shelter of one guy and dry off for a while and see how it feels. Who knows, you might just get an umbrella to fend off other potential suitors — at least for a while.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • Start with coffee

    StarbucksNew online daters have shared that they are concerned about accepting a date with someone and as soon as they meet him, they know he is not a match. If the plan is for dinner, dancing, lunch or hiking, they know the are in for hours of making polite conversation with someone they know is not their type.

    The solution: Start with coffee.

    If you have not met this person, no matter how charming and fun he sounds on the phone or in emails, start with coffee. If you meet and hit it off, coffee can easily extend to lunch or dinner. I’ve had 5-hour dates that started with coffee and went into lunch or dinner.

    Coffee is a minimal time investment: 30 minutes to an hour. You can be polite to nearly anyone for 30 minutes, can’t you? Even if you meet and know there is no attraction, fight the urge to exit after 5 or 10 minutes. Unless he is totally offensive, stick it out for 30 minutes. You may make a new pal, or have a gal pal who he might be good for.

    I’ve dissuaded guys who wanted to start with dinner and dancing. I’ve learned from experience. I now say “Let’s start with coffee and see if we hit if off and want to spend more time together. Then our second date can be that nice dinner that you’re suggesting.” They understand and agree.

    If you want to meet after work, a drink would seem logical. However, it is a tad awkward as it gets toward dinner time to decline an offer of dinner if he thinks it is going well. But if you want to bail, don’t do dinner. Extricate yourself as gracefully as possible: “I’m sorry, I must be going.” “I have a big day tomorrow, so want to get ready for it tonight.”

    This is why coffee is the perfect solution. For some reason it is less of a problem to leave when your coffee cup is drained. So don’t set up yourself to suffer — agree to start with coffee.

    ___________________

    You can now follow DG on Twitter! If you want to receive Dating Goddess updates on Twitter, add “DatingGoddess” to your “follow” list.

    <a href=”https://datinggoddess.com/” target=”_blank”> <img src=”http://img1.imagechef.com/w/12/anm95acd452f61fe735.gif” align=”left” height=”48″ width=”48″ /> </a><em>Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com. </em>

  • The art of consideration

    When most guys are starting to woo a woman, they work to make her happy. They do things that they think will show they are considerate and care. They suggest activities they think she’ll like.

    I’ve dated guys who were very considerate. One said “You pick the movie/restaurant and I’ll pay.” to show he was flexible. Others have brought small gifts they think I’ll like, or suggested movies or restaurants they are pretty certain I’d like. This goes a long way in the wooing department.

    However, ask yourself if what he is doing that he thinks is considerate matches your definition. One potential suitor calls me every day, which I’m sure he thinks is showing he’s considerate. Unfortunately, he calls me at 7:30 a.m. on his way to work. I am not a morning person. So he awakens me, then chastises me for being a sleepy head. He goes to bed at 9:00, I go to bed between 11 and midnight. So he’s bright eyed at 5:30. I am not.

    So even though I’ve explained to him that I am not a morning person, he continues to call when it’s convenient for him, not me.

    While I have given him grace and thought about his point of view — that he is being considerate — I’ve finally concluded that he isn’t listening when I tell him he’s awakening me, so is not being considerate. I think consideration is a foundation to a positive relationship. So I’m going to have to tell this guy not to call me — no matter what the time!