Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Winning at the online dating game

  • Don’t give your phone number too soon

    In talking to a potential suitor yesterday, I learned that a woman should not give a man her phone number too quickly. When I asked why, he said, “It makes her seem too cavalier about it. I think she must give it to everyone this quickly, so I don’t feel special. I’d rather wait until we’ve exchanged a few emails to see if we click.”

    He also shared that he hates it when a woman seems demanding when she gives her number and says “Call me.” rather than inviting him to call with a more pleasant “I’d welcome a call.” or “Please call if you’d like to chat.” I typically use the latter, and only give my number after a few email exchanges.

    So even though you think it shows you’re interested by giving your number, wait a bit. He may ask for it, or give you his first. However, even if he does either, it does not necessarily show he’s interested. One guy seemed interested and after a few email exchanges, gave me his number. I called him and didn’t hear back. I waited a few weeks, sent him an email asking if he still wanted to connect. He said he did. I called him again. Nothing.

    Next!

  • Playing the online dating game

    I got winked at today by someone whose profile was without a picture. In fact, in place of the picture the dating site says “Ask for a picture.”

    However, his profile says “I care whats [sic] inside not the cover and its important that the first thing her email says is not send me a picture (how shallow). I am not Robert Redford or Mel Gibson but I can hold my own when it comes to looks but this does not mean I am ready to send a photo to the world.”

    This guy clearly doesn’t understand how the online dating game works. And good or bad, a photo says volumes about a person. It’s not just if you think he is attractive or not, it’s what a person decides to post. A 53-year-old guy posted — as his only pic — one of him at 17. What is he thinking? Others post photos that are too dark to see his face, or too small, or in a dirty t-shirt, or with sunglasses and a hat. Obviously, all these guys are clueless how the game is played.

    Another clueless person was one who wrote me a nice email. I am not a member of the site, so could only respond with the site’s pre-determined responses. Usually, when you write someone, you give him your email in case they aren’t members. He did not. Then he wrote me a nasty email complaining that I’d only sent one of the pre-determined messages. He didn’t realize that if you aren’t a member that’s all you can send. I have joined sites just to respond to someone, but his response showed me how angry he can get over nothing, so I didn’t want to join to write him.

    So you have to know how the game is played and at play along. Trying to buck the system will only get you heartache — and few dates!

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  • It’s raining men!

     

    “Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home. I’m tired.” —Mae West

    One of the beauties of online dating is it seems there is a never-ending supply of suitors. At least that’s my experience. And I have pretty stringent criteria for my matches. Yes, I get 10 times more guys winking and emailing who don’t come close to matching my criteria. But it seems that weekly I get a few who meet enough criteria to respond to their inquiry.

    It is fun to meet new guys, although it can be time consuming, and if you let it, frustrating. Once I had 7 dates with 6 guys in 5 days. It is exhilarating to feel desirable, yet as I’ve become more experienced, I’ve become more discerning. Now I see two to four new guys a month, rather than a week.

    The downside to this abundance, in addition to the time to correspond, talk on the phone and meet, is that there’s a sense that there is someone better just a mouse click away. If you are not desperate for a relationship, it is easy to reject every one, focusing on a fatal flaw. However, once in a while, when a guy seems to scratch a particular itch I’m feeling, I’ll hang out with him for a while, until one of us realizes we aren’t a good long-term match and it isn’t fair to the other to continue as if we were.

    So while abundance is a positive thing, when you find someone you click with, try to stay present to his good qualities, rather than thinking “Who else is online?” When I can see that my current beau has been online within 24 hours of my being on the site, I know he doesn’t think we’re long-term either, even if neither of us says it.

    So when it’s raining men, come into the shelter of one guy and dry off for a while and see how it feels. Who knows, you might just get an umbrella to fend off other potential suitors — at least for a while.

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  • Start with coffee

    StarbucksNew online daters have shared that they are concerned about accepting a date with someone and as soon as they meet him, they know he is not a match. If the plan is for dinner, dancing, lunch or hiking, they know the are in for hours of making polite conversation with someone they know is not their type.

    The solution: Start with coffee.

    If you have not met this person, no matter how charming and fun he sounds on the phone or in emails, start with coffee. If you meet and hit it off, coffee can easily extend to lunch or dinner. I’ve had 5-hour dates that started with coffee and went into lunch or dinner.

    Coffee is a minimal time investment: 30 minutes to an hour. You can be polite to nearly anyone for 30 minutes, can’t you? Even if you meet and know there is no attraction, fight the urge to exit after 5 or 10 minutes. Unless he is totally offensive, stick it out for 30 minutes. You may make a new pal, or have a gal pal who he might be good for.

    I’ve dissuaded guys who wanted to start with dinner and dancing. I’ve learned from experience. I now say “Let’s start with coffee and see if we hit if off and want to spend more time together. Then our second date can be that nice dinner that you’re suggesting.” They understand and agree.

    If you want to meet after work, a drink would seem logical. However, it is a tad awkward as it gets toward dinner time to decline an offer of dinner if he thinks it is going well. But if you want to bail, don’t do dinner. Extricate yourself as gracefully as possible: “I’m sorry, I must be going.” “I have a big day tomorrow, so want to get ready for it tonight.”

    This is why coffee is the perfect solution. For some reason it is less of a problem to leave when your coffee cup is drained. So don’t set up yourself to suffer — agree to start with coffee.

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  • Long-distance suitor and the first date

    “Absence makes the heart grow fonder— of somebody else.” —Anonymous

    A man who lives 400 miles away has been flirting with me for months and calls every day. He decided he would fly to my city this weekend to meet me. He’d get a car and a hotel room, so there would be no discomfort with him wanting to stay with me.

    Today he called and said “I have an idea. Why don’t you come here? Some weeks ago I’d made plans with the guys to golf at a resort a few hours away, and I still have the reservations even though the outing is off. And it would be easier, as I wouldn’t have to schlep my golf clubs on the plane to your place.”

    A few things immediately crossed my mind. First, easier on who? Certainly not me, as I’d have to schlep myself (sans clubs) to his place, then be at his mercy unless I rented a car.

    Also, this was the first mention of golf. Isn’t the whole point of getting together to spend some quality time and see how we like each other? When he’s spending one day of the two we are to be together on the golf course, that limits our getting-to-know-you time.

    Then there’s staying at the resort. This is our first time meeting. Would he expect to sleep with me? Or do I rent another room? This first encounter was now starting to cost me a pretty penny for a guy who was willing and interested in me enough to come to me.

    I stammered that I would think about it and we could talk about it later today. I will bring up my concerns, especially about sleeping arrangements.

    First dates can be hard enough without adding the complications of feeling put out by the arrangements. If I were advising someone else, I’d say save the resort time for later in the relationship when you know you click. I think I’ll take my own advice!
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  • One ringy-dingy — making the first call go smoothly

    phoneIt seems many people have difficulty with the first phone call. If you are initiating the call, you may procrastinate because you don’t know how to start.

    Nowadays, men know that some women don’t want to give out their number, so they give her their number. This gives the woman more control over who they call and when. but once you’ve called, with caller ID, he has your number.

    I like to call first from my cell phone. If you give your land line number, anyone can easily put it in Google and find out not only your street address, but a map to your home!

    1. Don’t put off calling for more than a few days after getting the person’s number. If you do, it shows you’re either not very interested or too busy to see him. Some waiting is good, but too long and he’ll move on.
    2. Review the person’s profile before you call. In fact, having it in front of you is a good idea. If he calls you, quickly find his profile if you are in front of your computer so you can be more conversant about him, his interests and life. It is annoying to be asked “Are you divorced,” “Do you have kids?” “What city are you in?” and other data that is in my profile.
    3. Listen carefully. This means you shouldn’t place the first call while driving, grocery shopping, or other tasks that may distract you. I find it rude if someone I haven’t talked to before tries to multi-task during the call. It doesn’t make a good first impression. If he calls you and you’re caught in the middle of something, ask if you can call him back within a certain time period.
    4. Don’t interrupt. If you tend to be an interrupter, keep it in check, especially during the first call. I’ve declined dates with guys who were blatant interrupters as I find that a difficult habit to deal with.
    5. Ask questions, but don’t interrogate. Think of questions that will help you know the person better, beyond the basics, of what do you do, where do you work, etc.
    6. Share air time. A person who hogs the conversation is a bore! Make sure there is give and take, so he feels like you are interested in him.
    7. Take a deep breath and just dial!

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  • Is that you? Pictures are just a rough facsimile of the real thing

    When I was first dating, I wouldn’t respond to someone if their picture wasn’t appealing, even if they sent an articulate, fun email. I also turned down any contact who I couldn’t imagine kissing, based on his picture. I didn’t meet a lot of new guys with these criteria!

    Now I’ve learned that pics in online dating profiles are an approximation of what the person looks like. Even recent photos don’t reflect the twinkle in his eye, how cute he is when he smiles, or how he makes you laugh with that silly expression. So I’ve learned to give him a benefit of a doubt if his profile, emails and calls are intriguing.

    The other rampant problem with photos is many folks (men and women, I’m told) post pictures more than two years old. I think it is dishonest to post any pics more than 2 years old, even if they are among recent ones, unless you put the date on them. I’ve only not recognized one guy when I met him because his pic was 10 years old. I was attracted to my first online date because of his picture with little kids. When I met him, I realized those were his kids, not the grandkids he’d mentioned to me. In other words, his picture was 30 years old!

    I have also met lots of guys who posted pics from when they were 60 lbs. lighter, or had hair (or hair another color but gray). I understand they think that if they present themselves as younger, they will get more responses. Perhaps they expect they will use their charm to overcome the disappointment of their date when she is having coffee with the white-haired guy with the paunch, not the buff stud in the pic (from 20 years ago). It’s seldom worked for me.

    So, the lessons for you: 1) only post or send pics fewer than 2 years old, and 2) if other things are compelling, go ahead and meet the guy even if his pic isn’t.

  • Dating as a job interview

    Early on, I scoffed when I was told men see dating as a job interview. How could finding love be similar to finding a job?

    But then a guy recited his resume to me. I learned where and when he went to school, his major, and a litany of his jobs, including dates and companies.

    Since then I see the job interview parallel is more on target than I originally thought. I am dismayed when a potential suitor has not reviewed my profile before calling or meeting, so asks me things I've been clear about in my profile. As an employer, I would not be keen on someone who shows up for a job interview without reviewing the ad or job description.

    If he shows up late or unkempt, I am also not impressed. If he talks too much about what he wants without asking what I want, or ignores my offering what I'm looking for, then we aren't a fit. Just like a job interview, there needs to be give and take on what is needed to be a good match.

    I wonder if men would approach their next job interview with the same cavalierness that they do dating? If so, I can understand why some stay single for so long.

    Today I have a lunch date. I have visited his web site, read his bio, and printed his profile. I'll review it before I leave so I can be conversant on important things in his life. Let's see if he does the same. 🙂

  • Pictures: To post or not to post — that is the question

    At lunch today, a single friend was lamenting the challenge of finding Mr. Right. In her early 40’s, never married, educated, intelligent, funny and beautiful, she wants to have a family and is feeling the pressure.

    When discussing online dating sites, she said she doesn’t post her picture because she wants men to be attracted to her because of what she says in her profile, not what she looks like. She knows that it is easy to be swayed by looks and doesn’t want to someone to be attracted just by her picture.

    However, she isn’t finding a steady stream of qualified men beating a path to her door. I understand her desire to find someone who is attracted to her for her values and life philosophy. However, her no-picture strategy isn’t working for her.

    To be successful in anything one has to continually evaluate if what they are doing is helping them get what they want. If not, they have to be willing to try something new. My friend would probably see a dramatic increase in contacts if she posted her picture. Yes, that means having many men contact her who aren’t good prospects. But she would enlarge her pool dramatically and be able to choose to connect with those who met her criteria.

    Are you sticking to something that isn’t working because you’re afraid to try something new? Just try it and see how the new strategy works. You can always go back to the old way if the new one is worse!

  • Dating karma

    I believe what goes around comes around. How you treat others is how you will be treated. Of course, there are always exceptions — you were cranky with someone and she went out of her way to be nice. Or you were nice, and he was mean. But generally, I believe if you are polite, thoughtful, and classy, that is what you will attract to you.

    So I always make a point of thanking my dates, especially if he bought coffee, lunch or dinner. I would thank anyone who bought me a gift, so why not a date? I email him thanking him for meeting me and something I enjoyed from our conversation. If I’d like to see him again, I say so. If not, I tell him we’re not a match. But I do so gently and kindly. I’ll cover this is a later posting.

    I think the most important time to keep focused on dating karma is during a break up. A guy I’d dated for 6 weeks recounted all my flaws during an email telling me why he was breaking up with me. I could have countered with an even longer list of his flaws, but I thought better of it. What would it do but let me vent, and why inflict that vitriol on anyone? Instead, I said, “You’re right. We’re not a match. I wish you the best. Goodbye.” And I moved on.

    When someone is mean to me I ask who do I want to be in response? Someone as low as him? No. I think better of me than he does of himself. So I work to be gracious and classy and move on.

  • Becoming smitten with the fantasy

    I’ve been surprised when men become smitten with me without yet meeting me. Perhaps we’ve had some interesting emails and phone calls, and they begin professing their love — or lust — for me. It’s happened enough times, I’ve decided they fall for the fantasy. When I was first dating, it happened to me. Now I’m more savvy.

    It is easy to fall for someone absent the reality. You only have blurry or old photos, a few hours — at most — of phone conversation, and some emails. Until you meet, you don’t really know if there is a spark, or if there is some annoying habit that is a deal breaker.

    A few weeks ago I was contacted on a Tues. by guy #57. He was intelligent, successful, tall, nice looking, articulate. We talked by email and phone a few times over the next few days. He was flirty and suggestive, even sending one erotic email — all before we’d even met. I warned him that reality was never as good as fantasy.

    We set up a drink date for Friday. I dressed in nice, sexy casual. He arrived looking nothing like his picture. However, we had good conversation, and he asked if I’d like to stay for dinner. This is a good sign. We continued talking about personal history, divorce stories, business, world events. He walked me to the car and left with a hug and quick kiss.

    I wrote him a nice “thank you” email, as I always do, saying I’d be happy to see him again if he’d like. He sent me a “nice evening; we’re not a match” response.

    So how did he get from erotic emails to we’re not a match? Whatever he fantasized about me wasn’t a match for the reality. I have recent, full-length pictures posted in my profile, so he saw what I looked like. So somewhere along the way his fantasy fire was extinguished.

    Now when I hear someone going overboard before meeting, I know it’s a yellow flag. Best to reserve your assessment until you’ve actually been with someone, and then you need to see them a few times before their “real” self begins to emerge.