Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Assessing your assets

  • What’s your definition of a PDA?

    BlackberryNo, I’m not talking about a Personal Digital Assistant, like a Blackberry or Palm. I’m referring to Public Displays of Affection.

    In online profiles people often say they are comfortable or like PDAs. I state this in mine. But I’ve learned that people have different definitions of this term.

    For some, it means hand holding, quick kisses, and interlocked arms. For others in means making out anywhere the urge hits. More than one guy thought that it was perfectly fine to passionately kiss in a crowded bar — within an hour of meeting. Another thought it okay to back me against a building on a crowded street in my city and kiss me passionately. When I pulled away and suggested I was uncomfortable with this, especially so soon after meeting, one guy said, “You said you liked PDAs.”

    At the other end of the spectrum, some guys have said they like PDAs but don’t even take my hand when walking.

    Thus I learned that different people have different definitions of the meaning of this term.

    Have you thought about what your definition is? And what is comfortable for you?

    For me, much of it has to do with how comfortable I am with my date. It also has to do with how respectful I feel he’s being. When the guy backed me against the wall it felt like he was not being respectful, especially since there was a good chance someone I knew — even a client — would walk by. And thirdly, it makes a difference if we are mindful of others nearby, whether I might know them or not. For example, my sweetie and I enjoyed necking as we sat on a secluded water-front bench. But it didn’t feel disrespectful since there were few people around and we stopped if someone walked by.

    hand heartIf you each have different preferences and comfort levels it can be awkward. If you don’t like to be touched in public and he likes putting his arm around you and holding hands, you can feel continually pawed at. However, if you like those signs of endearment and none are forthcoming you can feel neglected and that you’re out with a pal rather than a potential beau. And some people just take a little while to warm up and show their affection via PDAs.

    The clearer you are with your comfort level and PDA lines, the more comfortable you will be with sharing that with your date. You can calmly tell him when he’s overstepping without anger or putting him down for crossing it. After all, he won’t know your boundary until you tell him. If he doesn’t respect your limits, that’s a sign he won’t respect other of your boundaries.

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  • Do you like who you’re being when with your date?

    Eleanor RooseveltPeople often use the phrase, “He made me feel (bad, stupid, ugly, fat, angry, good, sexy, pretty).” The truth is, no one makes you feel anything. You choose to feel that way. Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one makes you feel inferior without your consent.” And that goes for any other emotion.

    However, you can react to someone in a way that you don’t like. He triggers something in you and you then respond a certain way — a way you don’t like. It is still a choice of how to behave, but sometime he sparks something so ingrained in you it doesn’t feel like you have a choice.

    One of the checks for whether I want to be with a guy is how I behave around him. Do I like how I’m being? Or does he elicit behavior in me I don’t like — bitchiness, judgmental, pettiness, anger, irritation, manipulation. If I don’t like how I’m being, of course I can change. But that takes work. I want to be naturally giving, loving, caring, silly, relaxed, and honest. If these behaviors come easily, I know I want to spend more time with him. If I have to fight off the negative behaviors, he’s probably not for me.

    Of course, negative triggers are sometimes good as they give you a chance to become aware of old patterns and tapes and work through the original wound. But if you’re continually acting in ways you don’t like or respect or aren’t proud of, time to move on. And maybe get some counseling along the way to see why you’d attract and invite someone into your life who treats you in a way that you respond in ways you don’t like. And to heal that old wound.

    But if you find yourself being the kind of person you want to be then keep him around. His behavior allows you to be your best in his presence.

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  • What’s your communication compatibility?

    For 2.5 days I visited a relative I love dearly. However, it drove me crazy that she incessantly second guessed what I was doing. When I was packing, she suggested other ways to pack. She asked questions that I thought were superfluous (e.g., “What did you have for lunch?” “Will you and your boyfriend get married?” “What is your ex-husband doing now?”)

    And she displayed one of the most annoying habits I know — not self editing. She exemplifies that phrase, “She has never had a thought not worth sharing.” So she tells great details about others we don’t know nor care about. And constantly chatters her stream of consciousness, no matter how banal.

    But I love her dearly so put up with it, reminding myself she has a good heart and means well. And I was grateful I didn’t stay 5 days like last time.

    It made me think about how important communication compatibility s in dating.

    I’ve also experienced the opposite — being out with a guy who was so uncommunicative it was a lot of work to make any conversation. He gave me one-word answers to questions and never asked me a thing.

    So where are you on this continuum? Are you a non-stop talker? If so, do you like quiet men? Or are you more reserved, and like someone who is more verbal? Or maybe if you don’t like to talk much, you like someone quiet, too.

    One of the things I love about my beau is it seems we have the same talking tolerance. I don’t find he talks too much nor too little. And I hope he feels the same way!

    You should be clear on your preference so you can screen out those who would get on your nerves before you even meet. Phone calls can tell you a lot, but some habits don’t appear until you’re face to face.

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  • What melts your heart?

    heart meltingWe all dream of someone who melts our heart. And when he does or says those liquefying actions or words, his flaws seem to dim. We are drawn to him more. We feel ourselves rising a bit more towards love.

    What are not just things you like, but things that make your heart soften? Are there phrases you know make your knees weak when you hear them? Are there actions that are just so loving that you are then putty in his hands? I know certain actions make me swoon, then there are others that I don’t know get me giddy until I hear or experience them.

    To help you get started on your list, here are some examples of what my sweetie has written in emails that has left me in a puddle, starting with ones before we met and going up til today:

    • “I’ve appreciated your sexy way of approaching life. You’ve moved me in a high school crush kind of way.”
    • “You realize I’m falling in e-love with you. I know that’s e-wrong, since we just e-met. I’ll see an e-therapist to stay e-grounded.”
    • “You, my exciting, intelligent, beautiful inside and out, professional, are a wonderful muse. I have been energized by you and, at the risk of quoting another movie, ‘You make me want to be a better man.’”
    • “I just want to make it clear that I am hoping for a very long-term relationship with you.”
    • “I want you to feel warm, safe and cherished.”
    • “I’d like to think I’m going to be able to love you for the rest of time.”
    • “I am in total awe of you and my love for you is oozing out of me in bright thoughts, smiles, and even that stupid laugh I do.”
    • “I’m up … woke up thinking of you and got too excited to sleep.”
    • “You’re a princess and I miss you very much.”
    • “If I were with you I would give you such a long, loving kiss it would take your breath away.”
    • “You know how special you are to me and you ARE a glorious, gorgeous, and generous Goddess. This man is so grateful to God to have found you.”
    • “I may not be there in person, but I’m there in loving, honoring spirit.”
    • “Only 5 days until I get to see you again.”
    • “I’m thinking about you”
    • “I miss you.”
    • “I love you.”

    Share some of the things that get your knees weak.

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  • Make peace with your body parts

    Midlife women have shared with me that they didn’t want to start dating until they lost weight and/or got in shape. Some said the thought of getting undressed in front of a man was so unnerving, they would rather not start the dating process if that was to be the end result. In “Getting naked with him the first time” I talked about the experience of being unclothed with someone for the first time.

    goddess statueBut today I want to explore what you can do to be at peace with any of your body “particulars” with which you have some issues and that are preventing you from moving forward in the dating process.

    A few years ago I took a weekend course on women’s body esteem from Rita Hovakimian. In it, she had us do a powerful exercise designed to help us stop being critical of body parts we weren’t fond of.

    Let’s say you are critical of your thighs, calling them “thunder thighs,” and being upset with their size, shape and lack of tone. You’ve blamed their shape on your mother’s genes, and have diligently exercised to try to reduce their size and get them into the long, slender shape you desire. However, no matter what you do they continue to maintain their chubby appearance.

    Rita had each workshop participant change into tights and leotards or a bathing suit and have a conversation with these less-than-ideal body parts, as if they were a separate person. So, the conversation with my thighs went like this:

    Rita: How do you feel about your thighs?

    Me: I’m disgusted with them. They are big and flabby and cellulite riddled. I wish I could just cut off the flab.

    Rita: Okay. Let’s ask your thighs how they feel about your thinking this about them.

    (Me, as my thighs): We are sad that you dislike us so much. We do a lot for you. We help you walk, bike, dance and exercise. We enabled you to ski for years. And now all we hear is complaints. How about some acknowledgment for what we do for you?

    Rita: What do you think about that?

    Me: They are right. I only focus on what I don’t like.

    Rita: What can you sincerely acknowledge about your thighs? Tell them.

    Me: Thighs, thank you for being so strong and powerful. You enable me to ride my bike, dance, do aerobics, walk, and hike. I appreciate the years of pleasure you’ve allowed me to have from these activities. You’ve never let me down.

    Rita: Thighs, how do you feel hearing that?

    Thighs: It feels great to be appreciated. We feel loved.

    Rita: Your thighs have served you, even in their larger-than-you’d-like current form. They have done their job for you without fail. Can you forgive that they don’t have your ideal shape and allow them to continue to do their job, and appreciate them for it?

    Me: Absolutely.

    Rita: Thighs, how does it feel to hear that?

    Thighs: Great. And we only got big to get some attention. If we got more regular love an acknowledgment, we wouldn’t need to be quite so big.

    Me: I will love you no matter what your size.

    Within months of this process, with the help of exercise, my thighs were a bit more slender and toned. They are still not my ideal shape, but I have let go of my loathing of them.

    So I’ve given up being concerned about what a guy will think upon seeing them for the first time. If he’s disapproving, he’s not for me. And I can tell if he’s going to be critical of me and my body particulars long before he sees me unclothed, so I stop seeing him as I don’t need judgmental people in my life.

    Do you have some body parts with which you need to make peace and appreciate so you can progress in dating? Try a conversation similar to the above and see what comes out. You may be surprised.

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  • Think of dating like the movie “Groundhog Day”

    Groundhog DayRemember the hilarious 1993 film “Groundhog Day”? Poor Bill Murray‘s character, Phil Connors, repeats the same day — Feb. 2, Groundhog Day — over and over and over again. But he’s aware that he’s reliving it so he begins to do different things each day, at first hedonistically, then he begins to reexamine his life and priorities. He’s sweet on Andie MacDowell‘s character, Rita, so begins to learn what she likes, then woos her by pretending to like the same things until she falls for him.

    It struck me the other day — not on Feb. 2 — that dating is an opportunity to do your own “Groundhog Day” with a twist. Instead of reliving the same situation with the same date, you have an opportunity to try something new with each guy.

    For example, you decided you weren’t straightforward enough with the last guy you went out with. You realized you should have been more clear with him about what you were looking for (e.g., a long-term relationship vs. casual dating). You two never went beyond his always calling you at the last minute for a movie and dinner. That guy is gone, so now you get a chance to do it differently next time.

    With each successive guy, or even experience with the same guy, you have a chance to reflect on what worked and what didn’t work, then to behave differently the next time. If it’s with the same guy, you can see how your new behavior is received and whether the outcome is what you want or not. Just like Bill Murray’s character, you can see how these new actions work and make adjustments for the next time.

    If it’s a new guy, you can watch how your new approach works. Since every guy is different, the new behavior may work fine with one but not another. For example, if your fresh approach is to disclose on the first encounter your aforementioned purpose in dating, one guy may think it’s great you are so clear and share that he, too, is looking for a long-term love, not a casual activity partner. Another may be impressed by your clarity, but share he has different needs. And another may be so threatened by your assertiveness that you never hear from him again. Good! You’ve now learned that your new behavior works to get rid of those who are threatened by you and attract those who say they want similar things. This works so well, you decide to bring it up in the pre-meeting phone conversation so those who don’t want something similar are weeded out.

    So look at dating life as a way to have your own personal continuous improvement program. Just as businesses are constantly looking at how to improve their processes and therefore their results, you have a grand opportunity to do this for your personal life. Look at it as a live training ground for you and use every opportunity to examine your own behaviors and outcomes and make adjustments the next time you’re with a date.

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  • The art of wooing is not dead

    Recently some DG readers have shared that the man they are dating practices the art of wooing. While we are very happy they found a man who understands romance and courtship, I’m sure I haven’t been the only one who wondered why I hadn’t found many (any?) who practiced this rare art form, without using it as a shortcut to the bedroom.

    Then along comes Mr. Romantic. We flirted by email for a month after a pal introduced us by email for a business reason. We enjoyed each other’s sense of humor in periodic emails and calls, even though we both disclosed that we were seeing someone. Our email content deepened and frequency intensified. The people we were seeing disappeared for different reasons, and our focus on each other escalated, even though we live 600 miles apart and know the challenges of a long-distance relationship.

    So far, here’s what he’s done that is romantic (to me):

    • Sent me chocolates for Valentine’s Day, even though he knew I was seeing someone else at the time.
    • Sends sweet emails multiple times a day telling he’s thinking of me and how much he cares about me.
    • Drove 600 miles, 12 hours each way, through several snow-covered passes to meet me.
    • Sent me flowers and a sweet note 2 days after he returned home.
    • Calls at least twice a day to say hello.
    • GhiradelliLeft me a present at the end of his first visit to my house. While I was in another room, he snuck into my bedroom to leave a Ghiradelli chocolate gift pack on my pillow, just like a fancy hotel.
    • Is flying in this weekend so we can spend more time together and go to fun places, including dancing, hiking, a Blues club and a film festival I want to attend.
    • Reads my blog daily, even the back postings, to understand me better, and learn what I want, like, and don’t like so he can do his best to make me happy.
    • Is kind, affectionate, respectful, thoughtful and funny when we’re together, on the phone and in emails. He is open and flexible and we negotiate so both our needs are met.
    • Talks about how he really wants a long-term relationship with me, not a fling, and wants to take some things slowly so I trust that he is telling the truth.
    • Says sweet things often. After my immediately thanking him for the flowers, he sent an email that said, “You’re so precious to me I’m so happy that you’ll allow me to do these things for you.”

    He’s the best of all the men I’ve gone out with in the caring, sharing, spoiling, fun, intelligent, wooing, courting camp! What a sweet, dear, loving, thoughtful, delightful man.

    What have you experienced that you liked in the wooing department that is different than the above?

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  • Does he mention you to his pals?

    Most over-40 women have close pals with whom they frequently share their dating stories and woes. If she is at all interested in him, her gal pals know about a man soon after contact is made, even if just through an email. After a date, she may share the details with more than one close friend, or even her mother.

    However, my midlife male dating pals tell me it is less common for them to share with their buddies that they are dating someone, and if they do, it takes longer for the information to come out than for women.

    In fact, it’s common for a man to be uncomfortable when he hears the woman he’s seeing has talked about him to her friends or relatives. In some way it feels a bit constricting. He prefers that whatever they do and talk about is just between them. He doesn’t like that others know what they discussed, or are psychoanalyzing his behaviors.

    Sally FieldA woman is thrilled when she learns the man she’s been seeing has told his friends about her. She feels that means he really likes her — just as Sally Field exclaimed those many years ago. “You like me. You really, really like me!” His sharing about you implies he has long-term intentions. And when he tells his mother about you — wow! That’s a big step.

    Your ego is pumped up when you know you are being “bragged on” to others. It shows some sense of desired longevity in the relationship when others in your “tribe” are in on the adventure. My most recent past beau didn’t even tell his best friend about me, even though we dated for 2 months.

    I realize some people are more secretive than others, and they are concerned that talking about a parade of people makes them seem like losers. Obviously, that’s not an issue for me!

    Where are you on this issue? Do you tell your friends immediately upon receiving an interesting potential suitor’s contact? Or do you wait a while to share? Do you tell him you’ve shared about him, and if so, after how long dating?

    And when you hear he’s mentioned you — either directly from him, or when you meet his friends and they say, “We’ve heard about you” — how do you feel? What if you’ve been dating regularly for a few months and the relationship seems to be progressing, and you learn he hasn’t mentioned you to his best friend? How do you feel then?

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  • What are your deal breakers?

    San José Mercury NewsI was interviewed the other day by an engaging reporter from the San José Mercury News who was doing a piece on deal breakers. After over an hour on the phone, we’d explored this topic from nearly every angle.

    He wanted to know if deal breakers are a good thing, or do we perhaps need to set them aside so that we don’t miss out on someone who has potential?

    I told him I think some deal breakers are important (e.g., you’re very religious and want to have someone who shares your views) while others can be set aside (he needs to make $X, or be X height or have all his hair!).

    I’ve heard of some common deal breakers:

    • Height
    • Weight
    • Age
    • Smoking
    • Bad teeth
    • Personal hygiene
    • Bad dresser
    • Too talkative
    • Too self-absorbed
    • Too shy
    • Negative
    • Mean
    • Rude
    • Excessive cursing
    • Table manners (chews with mouth open, eats salad with fingers, bends head to plate to eat)
    • Religion
    • Politics
    • Intelligence (too much or not enough)
    • Education
    • Finances
    • Kids (you have them and he doesn’t like kids, he has them and you don’t like kids or feel he won’t have any time for you, or one of you wants kids and the other doesn’t)

    I talked about a few more that are apparent on the first date in “Women’s first-date blunders” and “First-date red flags that this guy isn’t for you.”

    Some of the ones I’m surprised by are the ones I think are sort of minor:

    • A woman jettisons a man the first time he doesn’t call when he says he will, without giving Birkenstockshim a chance to explain, and even though he’s called on time every other time.
    • He wears Birkenstocks and she’s a wingtip kind of gal.
    • She puts lipstick on at the restaurant table.
    • He won’t buy her expensive jewelry even through they’ve only dated a month.
    • He doesn’t drive an expensive car.

    The reporter asked if I had deal breakers in my own dating life. Yes. They mostly have to do with how someone treats me.

    • If he is mean or inconsiderate, I won’t tolerate that — at least after I give him some grace for the first time in case there was some unusual cause. I give people a lot of slack, but meanness is inexcusable.
    • I’m not very tolerant of someone who takes me for granted.
    • I have no patience for someone who doesn’t act with integrity.
    • Since I’m 5’10” I’m afraid I’m not keen on going out with someone who’s shorter. I know this isn’t an issue for many women (like Katie Holmes or Nicole Kidman), but it is for me.

    What are your deal breakers? Any that you know are perhaps a bit frivolous, but are important to you?

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  • “Date #75 requests permission to land”

    Passing the airport the other day, my friend Ken noticed the many planes lined up for miles awaiting their turn to approach the runway. He said he immediately thought of my always having an endless stream of potential suitors lined up in various stages of “landing” a date with me.

    Plane — let’s playIt’s true that I am never long without someone knocking on my fuselage, I mean email door, wanting to make contact. The value of having guys lined up is I don’t linger over love gone sour. Much the same as when I miss a flight, there is nearly always another one ready to take off within a short period.

    Just as some of the planes in queue may have to circle in a holding pattern if the runway is busy, so too a potential paramour may have to wait his turn if I’m besotted with someone else at the moment. Of course, just like an air traffic controller, I can deftly juggle several flights at once.

    And similar to when a pilot may have difficulty landing in severe weather or with wind shear, sometimes too, a first date can be shaky. It takes a confident, experienced pilot to safely maneuver in unfamiliar conditions, like a first date with someone he barely knows.

    PlaneIf the landing is too rocky and uncomfortable — unnerving even — then I quickly disembark and wish the pilot well as he takes off on his next journey without me. So, too, with rocky dates — I know this man is not for me, so bid him good luck and say bon voyage.

    And sometimes I choose to just hang out in the terminal, or no one is in a landing pattern. That’s fine, as I busy myself reading, calling friends, writing my next book or blog entry, viewing a DVD or just people watching. A favorite game is picking out potential boyfriends from the airport crowd, deciding who I’d want to go out with.

    Then pretty soon I hear a new pilot saying, “DG’s Date #75 requests permission to land.” And the next adventure begins.

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  • Are you stingy in dating?

    Stingy: unwilling to give or spend; ungenerous.

    When most of us hear the word “stingy” we think of miserly, penny-pinching, Scroogelike, tightfisted, cheap and skinflint.

    cheapYou could be one of these things in dating if you never offer to pick up a tab, buy tickets, or buy even a nominal gift for your guy. Male friends complain bitterly about women they’ve dated for months who never offer to buy an ice cream cone, cup of coffee, or movie popcorn. Even if he makes many times the money she does, guys still appreciate it if the woman makes some effort to share the economics of dating.

    However, when I speak of “stingy” I’m thinking more along the lines of the second part of the definition — ungenerous. This includes withholding compliments or nice comments about things you admire or appreciate in your date. It can be as simple as “You look good,” “You smell nice,” or “I appreciate your taking me to dinner.” A man I dated for 2 months did not utter one compliment to me other than before we met — and that was in an email. While I feel I took every opportunity to compliment or acknowledge him, there was a dearth of this coming back to me.

    No shareSome folks are stingy when it comes to sharing important thoughts or feelings about themselves, as they are then vulnerable. I once took a personal growth seminar that encouraged us to share with others what we’d learned about ourselves in the session. Through this sharing we provided an opportunity for the listener to relate to our epiphanies, get to know us at a deeper level, and perhaps see they could experience similar breakthroughs. We were told the more we shared with others, the more generous of spirit we were. And our insights might be the inspiration the other needed to do some work on their own lives.

    In dating, at least at first, we don’t let our dates hear our innermost thoughts and fears. Generally, it is a good at first to keep the conversation at a more surface level, as we need to trust our date won’t think we’re wacky or needy, and we don’t want to hit him on the head with our overstuffed baggage. But if you don’t share yourselves as you get to know each other, the relationship is based on superficial conversation — the weather, sports, celebrities, food, etc. When you begin to share yourself — your goals, fears, dreams, hopes, hurts, feelings — is when you begin to be generous with your soul. That is when true connection happens.

    Sometimes this generous sharing happens early on and emotional bonding takes place quickly. You may have had the experience I’ve had where because of the depth of our sharing, I felt I’d known the person a long time even though we are only first meeting. I love sharing at the soul level, but I’ve also then fallen too hard too fast with someone who wasn’t really a good match.

    What do you think about stinginess in any of these three areas? Have you felt yourself being less generous than you know you could be?

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