Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Blog

  • Paris — right invitation, wrong guy

    I’ve been invited to Paris by two guys. In fact, one guy asked me twice, 15 months apart, and I wasn’t even dating him the second time. And I had never dated the other guy.

    I did not accept the invitations.

    Why?

    The first time, with the twice-asker, I had just been dating him a few weeks. On the third date, in early Dec., he said “Would you like to spend New Year’s in Paris?” Duh! Of course! However, at that late date there were no flights that would get us there and back in time for an unchangeable commitment I had.

    The second invitation came from a colleague who has flirted with me — and I back — for years. He was going to Paris next month and would I like to join him? While the invitation was enticing to accompany someone who visited Paris often so would know where to go and what to see, I’m not that fond of him enough to pal around with him for days on end. He can have a grating personality that can get old fast. Although I’d insist on separate rooms, he can be forceful and I didn’t want to spend a week fending him off.

    The third invitation came when I spent the evening with my old beau at a bar with some of his friends. They were organizing a cruise through Europe with a week in Paris. He asked “Do you want to come with me?” While I’d love to go, I knew that to go as friends would be problematic. He’d want to spend the days together — and would probably try to spend at least one night. While I like him in short spurts, he is hard to take in long spells. And he’d insist on paying for dinners, etc., even if I tried to pay for my own. Then I’m afraid I’d feel obligated to spend more time with him than I’d enjoy.

    One friend said “Why not just go and enjoy it? He even offered to pay!”

    Because if I did, I’d be sending mixed signals, one that I just want to be friends, and secondly that if I accept his generosity, he’ll expect certain boyfriend privileges. I’m not willing to do that. That is akin to being a prostitute in my mind.

    So the bottom line is: no Paris with these guys. But I like that the invitations were offered, so when I’ve found Mr. Right and he asks, I’ll say yes for the right reasons. Don’t sell out your principles just for an exotic trip.

  • What is the definition of a date?

    I went to the movie yesterday with a guy I’d had a lunch date with a year ago. When I told a friend about this, I said, “I don’t know it was a date or not.”

    “Did he ask you to the movie?”

    “I don’t recall. We talked a few weeks ago and the movie came up and one of us said it would be fun to go together and talk about it afterwards.”

    “Did he pay?”

    “Yes, when I arrived at the theater he was already there and had bought the tickets.”

    “Did you go somewhere afterwards?”

    “No, we just stood in the parking lot for a half-hour and talked.”

    “Was there physical contact?”

    “Just a hug hello and goodbye.”

    “Are you interested in him and he in you?”

    “I’m not sure. I like his mind, but I’m not drawn to him physically. I’m not sure what he thinks of me.”

    Was it a date? Who knows?

    Commonly, dates are meetings in which you are exploring if you might be a good romantic match. So is meeting for coffee a date? Most likely. Is lunch a date? Probably. Is dinner a date? Nearly always.

    One man told me that his definition of dating was when you had met a person a few times and both decided you wanted to pursue a relationship. Others feel that just meeting and getting to know each other is dating.

    The bottom line is, who cares what it’s called. Just get out there and do it!

  • Double standards

    I was lamenting — OK, complaining — to a male friend the other day about how men have double standards. They want someone who is “slim, fit, athletic, toned” when they themselves have not seen the inside of a gym or done any physical activity for years. I am always surprised when I meet a man who has described himself as “athletic” or “toned” and he is 40 pounds overweight.

    However, he doesn’t want a woman who is overweight. Let me ask you, how many middle-aged people do you know who don’t carry some extra weight? And how many women who have birthed children don’t carry some lingering weight, even if their kids are now adults?

    As I ranted, I realized I, too, have double standards. While I have gone with men who were 40, 50, and 100 pounds overweight, I realized I am weightist. I have a second date with a great guy in a few days, but I admit I’m not physically attracted to him. Why? Because he’s 80-100 pounds overweight. He’s charming, educated, accomplished, fun, but I just can’t see myself in a lip-lock with him. I am who I complain about!

    The opposite double standards can also apply in that a non-college-educated woman can desire only a college-educated man. Or a woman who doesn’t make a lot of money can want a man who does. Double standards abound. The question for you is “Am I setting a standard I don’t myself match? If so, why?”

  • You are (probably) more attractive than you think you are!

    It seems that people have a mismatch on their expectation of attractiveness. The stereotype is that a man wants (and often gets) a woman who is much more attractive than he is. Women often put money, status, demeanor and sense of humor ahead of attractiveness, when looks are often at or near the top of the “must haves” for men.

    In college I duplicated a study matching couples by attractiveness. I took the pictures of 10 long-term couples from my high-school yearbook and had subjects rate the attractiveness of all 20 people. Then I had them put together couples who seemed to go together. While few people matched the true couples, they did match approximate attractiveness levels. So those rated 8-10 (10 being high) were put together, as were the 5-7s, 4-6s, etc.

    So why do men who would be rated a 6 seem to think they can get a woman who’s an 8? They think they’re “all that” when really they’re so so. Because the woman only thinks she’s a 5, 6, or 7.

    In a recent study, school children were asked what kind of student they were. The girls consistently rated themselves lower than the boys rated themselves. An A-student girl said she was a B or B+ student. A B-student boy said he was an A student. So girls and boys have a skewed image of themselves, with boys thinking more highly of themselves than warranted, and girls thinking lower of themselves.

    So women (generally) think they aren’t as attractive or as desirable as independent raters would assess them.

    How would you rate yourself? Whatever the number, bump it a bit. You’re no doubt a better catch than you think yourself to be!

  • Be careful of being smitten

    As I was enthusiastically describing to a friend my fondness for my newest gentleman caller, she asked “Are you smitten?” I pondered, then replied, “No, enamored.” We then discussed the difference.

    The dictionary describes smitten as “To affect sharply with great feeling; marked by foolish or unreasoning fondness.” Enamored: “To inspire with love; captivate.”

    “Smitten” seems school-girlish, a giggly crush; all reasonableness vanishes. When I’m smitten I ignore glaring red flags that say “Warning, Will Robinson. This is not a good match.” When I think back on my smitten experiences, none of them have been good choices, but something strong pulled me in. When you are smitten, you put your good sense on the back burner and do spontaneous — and sometimes stupid — things.

    “Enamored” feels more grounded, more mature, longer lasting. I still think about him throughout the day, look forward to our talks, am strongly fond of him. But I also know his foibles and have decided they aren’t deal breakers.

    So if you find yourself caught up quickly in romance, feeling swept away, intoxicated, and hearing yourself say “I’ve never done this/felt this way before,” enjoy the spontaneity and excitement, but put the brakes on before you do something you’ll regret.

  • What do men look at in your profile?

    Yesterday a dating friend told me what he thinks men look for in women’s profiles. First, your picture. If he likes your face, he’ll look for one that shows your body. If he likes your body type, he’ll read more. After body, he looks for height, as he likes taller women. Then he’ll look at age and what the woman says she wants. If she wants kids or if she has little kids, he moves on.

    He asked me what women look for. I told him what I look for, as I really can’t say what other women look for. I first look at height, age, then at the photos. I look to see if he’s got kids at home (not optimal for me), if he lives alone or with roommates (I’m not fond of roommate situations), then how he expresses himself. If he is articulate and ideally funny, doesn’t have more than a few typos, and has made the effort to write more than a few lines, I continue. I then look at education, although I’ve met some great guys who didn’t graduate college. I also look at occupation, income, and his lifestyle.

    I look at what he’s looking for. If he wants someone younger, shorter and thinner than me, I know we’re probably not a good match. However, if he’s contacted me, I will respond if he sounds interesting.

    My friend told me that when men read profiles they are basically asking “Could I make her happy?” So if she has a jet-setting lifestyle and he’s a couch potato, he passes. Or if she loves opera and the symphony and he’s a hard rock guy, then he moves on. So when you write your profile, answer the question that’s on the guys mind: “What does she want to make her happy?” Your writing will be more captivating that way.

  • A favorite question to ask

    Dr. Phil says we don’t ask the right questions when determining if someone might be a good match for us. I’m sure he’s right. I now have a list of questions I *wish* I’d asked, which I’ll post later.

    One of my favorite questions to ask tells me a lot about the man. I explain that I was invited to a Halloween singles’ dance and potluck. The invitation said to come dressed as “your shadow side” — the part of you you’re not proud of having others know about you. You know, things like you’re a slob, couch potato, controlling, etc. I pondered dressing in several costumes, like a judge’s robe because my ex said I was judgmental, or a witch with a big “B” on my chest because… well you know why. Before I tell him what I finally decided on, I ask what were things he’d consider.

    His response tells me a lot. If he can’t think of anything he’s not proud of, it tells me he’s not very introspective. We all have things we want to change. If he comes up with things like “Superman,” he’s not clear on the concept of “shadow side.”

    Even if he doesn’t come up with something immediately, his reaction to the question and discussion around this tell me a lot.

    What question could you ask that tells you a lot?

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • When it clicks, throw out some of your criteria

    I met a wonderful man online 10 days ago. He is successful, intelligent, funny, gentlemanly, worldly, interesting, communicative, educated, considerate, articulate, complimentary, shares his feelings, and is a great conversationalist. So far, we share the values we’ve discussed. We have similar political views and philosophies about life. We are both small business owners. We talk every day for an hour. But we haven’t met. Why?

    Because he lives 2000 miles away.

    I nearly never communicate with a man outside a 1-hour drive from my home. Why? Because I’ve found it takes being with a man to really see how I feel around him. How does he treat me when we’re together? It’s easy to be charming and chivalrous on the phone. It’s another thing when he walks 5 steps ahead or doesn’t look me in the eye when he talks.

    So far, I really like what I’ve gotten to know. More so than any other man I’ve encountered in this dating adventure. We are arranging a time to meet, but we both have extended travel coming up soon. We are looking at connecting in person when we both return.

    I’ll let you know then if I will reassess my no-long-distance-relationship rule. I think this one may be worth ditching the rule for.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • 50 ways to leave your lover? 4 ways NOT to leave your suitor

    If you know it isn’t a good match, you owe it to him to tell him and then either move on or become friends. But do so graciously, respectfully and gracefully, no matter what. Here are four ways NOT to let him know.

    • Via email — if you’ve dated him more than a few times, have the guts to tell him that you aren’t going to see him again in person, or if that’s not possible by phone. I had a lover break up with me via an email after we’d dated exclusively for 7 weeks. He said he was too cowardly to do it in person! It was disrespectful and hurtful to not do it in person when we’d just seen each other the day before.
    • After only a few minutes — After 10 minutes one guy told me that he wasn’t attracted to me so he was leaving. On one hand, good that he didn’t waste either of our time. But he could have been more graceful than saying “I’m not attracted.” How uncouth!
    • Yahoo messangerBy IM — This is the modern version of the “Sex and The City” Berger break-up Post-It to Carrie. Tacky. A guy I had been dating for 6 weeks sent me an Instant Message breaking up with me — when he knew I wouldn’t be around to read it until later. Essentially, it is as classless and spineless as an email.
    • AWOL — Not returning emails or voice mails. I’ve had two guys do this, one I’d dated for 6 weeks. After talking 5 or 6 times a day for 6 weeks, he suddenly didn’t respond to any emails, IMs or voice mails. He’d left some clothes at my house that I wanted to return to him after I didn’t hear back for a few days, and he still didn’t respond. I left them on his front porch, as there was not much else I could do.

    Have the courage and decency to be gently honest when you release this person back into the dating pool. You will feel better about youself, and you’ll leave him not hating you.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • Have a good memory to avoid repeating mistakes

    Today a nice-looking man emailed me. Based on his profile, he would be someone I would be interested in getting to know. He met most of my criteria.

    However, as I looked at his picture, I felt I had seen it before. Had he appeared in my matches before? If so, I would have contacted him. Had I done that? My cloudy memory seemed to remember some contact, but it went nowhere. Did he not respond? Say he wasn’t interested?

    I responded to his email asking if he remembered if we’d connected in the past. He said he didn’t think so, and did I want to get together. Whoa, cowboy! He was moving too fast! On the second email wanting a meeting without even having a “get to know you a bit” phone call? Something was off.

    Then I remembered. We had a phone call 6 months ago. I thought it was odd that he asked “If you felt the chemistry was right, how soon would you feel comfortable being intimate? The first date?” “No.” “The second date?” “No.” “The third date?” “I doubt it, but it is so dependent on how we click.”

    Although my radar was up that he was only looking for a quick roll in the hay, I agreed to meet him for coffee the next day. I tend to give people the benefit of a doubt, so thought I may have misinterpreted his questioning. I took his cell number and he took mine.

    I arrived at the coffee shop at the appointed time. I waited. And waited. And waited. After 20 minutes, I called his cell. Wrong number. Had I written it wrong or had he given me a fake number? I returned home. I emailed him asking what happened, giving him the grace of allowing he might have had an emergency. I never heard back.

    I figured that because I was not going to be an easy sex partner, he moved on and stood me up without the decency to call and cancel. And now he was again wanting to meet me.

    No, I will not be getting together with this inconsiderate guy.  My memory is too good.

  • Don’t give your phone number too soon

    In talking to a potential suitor yesterday, I learned that a woman should not give a man her phone number too quickly. When I asked why, he said, “It makes her seem too cavalier about it. I think she must give it to everyone this quickly, so I don’t feel special. I’d rather wait until we’ve exchanged a few emails to see if we click.”

    He also shared that he hates it when a woman seems demanding when she gives her number and says “Call me.” rather than inviting him to call with a more pleasant “I’d welcome a call.” or “Please call if you’d like to chat.” I typically use the latter, and only give my number after a few email exchanges.

    So even though you think it shows you’re interested by giving your number, wait a bit. He may ask for it, or give you his first. However, even if he does either, it does not necessarily show he’s interested. One guy seemed interested and after a few email exchanges, gave me his number. I called him and didn’t hear back. I waited a few weeks, sent him an email asking if he still wanted to connect. He said he did. I called him again. Nothing.

    Next!