Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

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  • Tracking your date’s score

    A guy begins with 100 units. He can add to these units by doing good things (e.g., calling when he says he will, being chivalrous, suggesting activities he thinks I’d like, bringing small gifts, remembering info from previous conversations), smiling, making me laugh, having a good vocabulary, using proper grammar, dressing in clean, appropriate clothes, having good manners, generally being fun, interested, present and thoughtful.

    And yes, looks do count – if he’s yummy he gets more points than if he is average. Average-looking guys can come out ahead of a yummy guy by earning points in other areas. And if you find him sexy, then jackpot!

    Units are deducted for being late without calling, hogging the conversation, talking only about himself, his kids, interests and work, interrupting, not making eye contact, or answering his cell phone without first informing me he’s expecting an urgent call. Other demerits are taken for being unkempt (dirty clothes, unshined shoes, unpressed shirt), being unchivalrous (walking first into/out of a building, not holding the door, walking on the inside of the sidewalk), having poor table manners, mispronouncing too many words, or being unkind to anyone. Moving too fast (hand on my thigh within minutes of meeting me, trying to French kiss too soon, and trying to sleep with me on the first date) is also a big demerit earner.

    I don’t actually keep score – although I often think I should. I would have to assign values to the various behaviors. For example, being unkind would earn a lot more demerits than unshined shoes. And being kind and thoughtful are awarded a lot more points than walking on the outside of the sidewalk.

    But I do notice all of the above and make a mental note. Here’s an example from a recent first date.

    • Good: Often emails fun notes, brought small gift, pleasant to waiter, seemed to pay attention when I talked, had good eye contact, smiled, shared air time, treated for lunch, asked to see me again.
    • Bad: Walked into restaurant first, didn’t hold door for me, took cell phone call during lunch, interrupted a lot.

    So what’s the net score for this guy? Around 105. His plusses earned him back points he lost. So I’ll see him once more, then decide if I want to see him again.

  • Dating as a job interview

    Early on, I scoffed when I was told men see dating as a job interview. How could finding love be similar to finding a job?

    But then a guy recited his resume to me. I learned where and when he went to school, his major, and a litany of his jobs, including dates and companies.

    Since then I see the job interview parallel is more on target than I originally thought. I am dismayed when a potential suitor has not reviewed my profile before calling or meeting, so asks me things I've been clear about in my profile. As an employer, I would not be keen on someone who shows up for a job interview without reviewing the ad or job description.

    If he shows up late or unkempt, I am also not impressed. If he talks too much about what he wants without asking what I want, or ignores my offering what I'm looking for, then we aren't a fit. Just like a job interview, there needs to be give and take on what is needed to be a good match.

    I wonder if men would approach their next job interview with the same cavalierness that they do dating? If so, I can understand why some stay single for so long.

    Today I have a lunch date. I have visited his web site, read his bio, and printed his profile. I'll review it before I leave so I can be conversant on important things in his life. Let's see if he does the same. 🙂

  • Ambivalence

    Ambivalence is the bane of the dating world. I’ve had plenty of pleasant dates with guys who were smart, educated, successful, attractive yet I felt if I saw him again, fine; if not, fine. I debated with myself whether I’d accept a second date or not.

    On the one hand, there was nothing odious or off-putting, so why not spend a little more time together and see if a spark gets lit? We can all have off days, so why not take the risk of investing a little more time? If nothing develops after the second date, time to cut each other lose and move on.

    On the other hand, if I didn’t find him scintillating in our first encounter, why waste both our time? You have plenty of other things on your calendar, so investing a little more time means you’d have to give up something else.

    What to do?

    Two options come to mind. 1) You can invest a little more time on the phone and see if you’re drawn to get together. Or 2), you could get together for coffee or something with a short time investment. If no spark, then move on. But maybe by giving him a second chance, the spark will be kindled.

  • Good conversation is the foundation of great dating

    One of the things that has stood out for me in interactions with the last four potential suitors is that guys (at least the ones I've encountered) don't know how to make conversation. I'm not just talking chit chat, but any kind of give and take.

    And that is precisely what is missing — give and take. The men I've talked to recently seem to be missing the how-to-ask-questions gene. While I admit that since I am curious about a lot of things, questions come to me easily. In fact, I've learned to interject comments, stories and tidbits into the conversation lest my potential suitor think he's being interrogated. But most of them don't know how to piggy back on my comments to draw me out or to continue the discussion. They merely turn it back on themselves or talk about what interests them.

    Last night I had a dinner date with a man who had done a good job of sharing the initial phone conversation. However, at dinner he did 80% of the talking. When I would interject, my comments just sat there — he didn't ask me anything further. Perhaps my perspective and life weren't interesting to him. That's certainly a possibility. However, many strangers on planes seem more interested in my life than some of the guys I've spoken to!

    Are they shy? Nervous? Wanting to tell me everything possible in the first interaction? It would be more engaging if they worked to share the air time. They'd have more luck getting second dates — or even first ones — if they were more conscientious about how they converse in the first conversation.

  • Pictures: To post or not to post — that is the question

    At lunch today, a single friend was lamenting the challenge of finding Mr. Right. In her early 40’s, never married, educated, intelligent, funny and beautiful, she wants to have a family and is feeling the pressure.

    When discussing online dating sites, she said she doesn’t post her picture because she wants men to be attracted to her because of what she says in her profile, not what she looks like. She knows that it is easy to be swayed by looks and doesn’t want to someone to be attracted just by her picture.

    However, she isn’t finding a steady stream of qualified men beating a path to her door. I understand her desire to find someone who is attracted to her for her values and life philosophy. However, her no-picture strategy isn’t working for her.

    To be successful in anything one has to continually evaluate if what they are doing is helping them get what they want. If not, they have to be willing to try something new. My friend would probably see a dramatic increase in contacts if she posted her picture. Yes, that means having many men contact her who aren’t good prospects. But she would enlarge her pool dramatically and be able to choose to connect with those who met her criteria.

    Are you sticking to something that isn’t working because you’re afraid to try something new? Just try it and see how the new strategy works. You can always go back to the old way if the new one is worse!

  • A tale of two phone calls

    Yesterday I had a first phone call with a potential date. While his profile was refreshing and intriguing, the conversation was strained. I tried to pull him out by asking questions related to his profile comments. Although he’d initiated contact with me within 24 hours of the call, he asked me nothing about my profile comments, and only asked me one question. He suggested coffee, but I begged off as I didn’t feel drawn to invest an hour or two to meet.

    However, today, I had a long conversation with another gentleman. We talked about important lessons from relationships and what we are each looking for. He asked incisive questions and shared his experiences. Soon an hour had whizzed by. We set a dinner date for later this week.

    What was the difference? It should be pretty clear from the above. The first guy didn’t make it easy to converse. He didn’t ask me but one question, so I felt like it was a “blind” call even though he’d make the initial contact. The second one asked important questions and shared his perspective, even when it wasn’t the same as mine. The second one won the date!

  • Does he invite you to his place?

    Yesterday a friend called: “I have a new lesson about dating.” She’s been dating longer than I have so I was interested in what new wisdom she’d gleaned. “Spill,” I demanded. “Before you get too involved with someone make sure you go to his home. If he doesn’t have you over, he may have another woman in the picture.” Sigh. It is true.

    I dated a man for 6 months who refused to have me to his house. His excuse was plausible, although strange. He was living is a very small mother-in-law quarters while his house was being remodeled. It was used for storage so had just a path between boxes and stacked furniture to get to his bed the bathroom and the kitchen. While I protested that I didn’t care, he was adamant that he didn’t want me to see it because it was such a mess. Hmm. And perhaps because of women’s clothing in the closet?

    There were no other indications of another woman, so I tolerated this situation until it — and other strange behaviors — made me call it quits.

    My friend’s lesson came from a male friend of hers. For the last month she’d been dating a wonderful man, someone she was excited about and could see a future with. A week ago they were supposed to get together at his house, but he called and cancelled the date using a flimsy excuse. That was the last time she heard from him, when previously he had called every day. When lamenting to her pal, he explained how some men operate. Luckily, I think it is very few men, but there are those who are into the game.

    It is a good lesson. If he doesn’t invite you to his house within the 5th or 6th date (assuming you’ve invited him to yours), something is up. It may not be another woman, but an obsessive “privateness” or no interest in taking the relationship deeper.

  • One-date wonders

    You know how some groups are called “one-hit wonders” because they had one hit song and never again appeared on the Billboard charts? I have my dating version of that — one-date wonders. These are guys who after one date were at the top of MY chart, but we didn’t see each other again.

    Luckily, it hasn’t happened very often. So far, only 3 times. I’ve been attracted to him, but either the attraction wasn’t returned or something else happened. Here’s my countdown.

    In the #3 spot is the tall, blonde, green-eyed sales executive who was enlightened, funny, and spiritual. The lunch date passed quickly as we never ran out of things to talk about. And they were interesting things, not just the normal personal history. But alas, he wrote an email that we were not a match and could we be friends. I responded “Of course. I’d love to stay in contact.” I never heard from him again.

    Number 2 is the tall, fun, former Navy Seal, chief financial officer. We had fun, witty emails and calls and a 2-hour coffee. I thought we hit it off, but once again I misread his attentiveness, as I never heard from him again.

    And topping the chart is the sexy, cute, tall, affectionate airline pilot with the fantastic sense of humor and the deep, resonant voice. I was smitten during our 3-hour coffee date and we were holding hands within an hour. I couldn’t wait for the good-night kiss, and it was as fantastic as the rest of him. He called the next day to set up a dinner date a few days later. I was so excited, I planned my outfit based on what I knew he liked.

    The morning of the date he called to say he needed to cancel as he had begun dating another woman before me (we both shared we were dating around in our quest of “the one”) and thought he could juggle two women, but saw he couldn’t. He didn’t think it would be fair to either of us. While I was disappointed, I thought he had courage to call me — not email me — and discuss it with me. I occasionally send him “hi” emails just in case it doesn’t work out with her!

  • Dating karma

    I believe what goes around comes around. How you treat others is how you will be treated. Of course, there are always exceptions — you were cranky with someone and she went out of her way to be nice. Or you were nice, and he was mean. But generally, I believe if you are polite, thoughtful, and classy, that is what you will attract to you.

    So I always make a point of thanking my dates, especially if he bought coffee, lunch or dinner. I would thank anyone who bought me a gift, so why not a date? I email him thanking him for meeting me and something I enjoyed from our conversation. If I’d like to see him again, I say so. If not, I tell him we’re not a match. But I do so gently and kindly. I’ll cover this is a later posting.

    I think the most important time to keep focused on dating karma is during a break up. A guy I’d dated for 6 weeks recounted all my flaws during an email telling me why he was breaking up with me. I could have countered with an even longer list of his flaws, but I thought better of it. What would it do but let me vent, and why inflict that vitriol on anyone? Instead, I said, “You’re right. We’re not a match. I wish you the best. Goodbye.” And I moved on.

    When someone is mean to me I ask who do I want to be in response? Someone as low as him? No. I think better of me than he does of himself. So I work to be gracious and classy and move on.

  • Truth is stranger than fiction

    I have had a few strange encounters during my dating adventure. None of them I could have imagined.

    Today I was contacted by a priest! His picture showed him in black priest attire (what is that called? Vestments? Cassock?) and white collar! I assume he is Episcopalian, but who knows?

    It reminded me of some other unusual encounters. One guy brought a chaperone. In all fairness, the date was set on the only evening both of us had free that week. He called that day to say a friend had unexpectedly come in from out of town and would only be in town for the evening. Would I mind if his pal came along? I said, “That is fine, but what if I like him better than you?” He chuckled. It was an odd evening, and no, I didn’t go out with either of them again.

    I had a date with a sexy, deep-voiced, cute guy who wrote alluring emails. His profile said he was “slightly kinky” and when we talked he said he’d explain in person. I’ve learned that one person’s kinky is another’s normal, so I decided not worry too much about it until he explained. After sharing his background, including being an ex-Marine, he explained he was a cross dresser on occasion. Believe it or not, he was so charming that I didn’t leave immediately. Instead, at his request, I shared how to put on pantyhose without running them, where to buy large-size strappy sandals, and the agony of eyebrow waxing!

  • Becoming smitten with the fantasy

    I’ve been surprised when men become smitten with me without yet meeting me. Perhaps we’ve had some interesting emails and phone calls, and they begin professing their love — or lust — for me. It’s happened enough times, I’ve decided they fall for the fantasy. When I was first dating, it happened to me. Now I’m more savvy.

    It is easy to fall for someone absent the reality. You only have blurry or old photos, a few hours — at most — of phone conversation, and some emails. Until you meet, you don’t really know if there is a spark, or if there is some annoying habit that is a deal breaker.

    A few weeks ago I was contacted on a Tues. by guy #57. He was intelligent, successful, tall, nice looking, articulate. We talked by email and phone a few times over the next few days. He was flirty and suggestive, even sending one erotic email — all before we’d even met. I warned him that reality was never as good as fantasy.

    We set up a drink date for Friday. I dressed in nice, sexy casual. He arrived looking nothing like his picture. However, we had good conversation, and he asked if I’d like to stay for dinner. This is a good sign. We continued talking about personal history, divorce stories, business, world events. He walked me to the car and left with a hug and quick kiss.

    I wrote him a nice “thank you” email, as I always do, saying I’d be happy to see him again if he’d like. He sent me a “nice evening; we’re not a match” response.

    So how did he get from erotic emails to we’re not a match? Whatever he fantasized about me wasn’t a match for the reality. I have recent, full-length pictures posted in my profile, so he saw what I looked like. So somewhere along the way his fantasy fire was extinguished.

    Now when I hear someone going overboard before meeting, I know it’s a yellow flag. Best to reserve your assessment until you’ve actually been with someone, and then you need to see them a few times before their “real” self begins to emerge.