Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Winning at the online dating game

  • Dating’s “pre-game” activities

    Super BowlHave you been inundated with the Super Bowl pre-game activity options? You could easily devote the whole weekend to Super Bowl shows if you wanted. In scanning the various proceeding, it reminded me of a conversation I had recently with a single gal pal.

    We were talking about how important first impressions are in dating. But we realized the definition of “first impression” was a bit nebulous. Was it the first wink or email? The first phone conversation? Or the first meeting? All are important and can be a telling prelude to the outcome of the “game.”

    The “pre-game” activities — pre-meeting, if you will — set the tone for the first face-to-face. I’ve had wonderful email and phone conversations with a man before meeting him, so that when we met it felt like I’d known him a long time. I was already drawn to him when I met him physically. This can set up a touch down much earlier than if you allow the game to progress as painstakingly as it does on the gridiron. Just as in football each yard is won with difficulty (if the teams are evenly matched), in dating each next step evolves quickly or slowly depending on the players.

    But as often as the pre-game activities segued into a wonderful first — and subsequent — encounters, they can also build tremendous expectations among the players and fans (your friends who you’ve told about this great guy with whom you’re talking). And as we know, expectations can fall flat as often as not. I’ve experienced this on many occasions. A guy is amazing on the phone and in email (the pre-game interviews and hype of the game), yet when you meet, no sizzle.

    My current guy was like that. We’d had wonderful calls and emails for 10 days before meeting for coffee. When we met, he was very tired and he’d momentarily nod off. I thought I must be the most boring person he’d ever talked to. If we hadn’t already set up dinner the next night, I’m afraid I would have sent him a “You’re a nice guy, but I didn’t feel any spark” email. But because of our delicious pre-meeting communication, I decided to give him another chance and the dinner went well (he’d gotten some sleep). So sometimes the pre-game intrigue encourages you to give someone some grace — and another chance.

    If you watch the Super Bowl on Sunday, see if you can see parallels to dating. Yes, occasionally your date will be called for “holding,” but you may like it so there is no penalty. “Roughing the passer” is if he gets too fresh but instead of costing him yardage, you make him sit on the bench — alone. No one likes to be on a date with someone who displays “unsportsmanlike conduct.” And sometimes being “sacked” is a good thing. 🙂

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  • No bull — Welsh dairy farmers herding up dates

    Single Welsh dairy farmers looking for love are putting personal ads on their milk cartons! How udderly creative! This comes as they celebrate St. Dwynwen’s Day (Jan. 25), The Welsh patron saint of lovers. They’re milking this for all it’s worth!

    One of the girlfriendless farmers, Iwan Jones, said, “The Welsh countryside is a great place to live, with stunning scenery, but it can be a hard place to find a date, as I’m finding out!” The site adds, “We want to encourage farmers to consider online dating as a fun way of meeting people and we thought by getting involved we could make it less intimidating.”

    Fancy a farmerThe ads feature three men and two women, and asks, “Fancy a farmer?”, along with the dating web site’s URL. I guess they’re hoping the cream rises to the top and they get some good responses. Let’s hope this campaign doesn’t go sour and that for Welsh dairy farmers, “curd” and “nerd” aren’t related. Maybe a single gal will meet Mr. Creamy who is also Mr. Dreamy.

    All right, enough with the puns. I can see you’re curdling.

    What would you think of having your picture on an ad going out to everyone in your area? Is this savvy marketing or might you just as well brand an “L” on your forehead?

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  • Can Google help — or hinder — your dating life?

    GooglePerhaps you’re like me and immediately Google a guy as soon as you have his first and last name. While I’ve never found any incriminating evidence this way, I have found some interesting items about the guy I’m considering meeting. I imagine myself a CSI (one of my favorite shows), linking disparate clues to complete a puzzle.

    Early in my midlife dating adventure, a man with an unusual first name contacted me online. His profile said he was active in our local Rotary Club, as well as an organization specific to his lineage.

    RotaryI Googled the local Rotary Club web site. I searched the site for his first name and voilà, a mention appeared including his last name. Armed now with more information, I Googled his full name. I found the web site for the small company he owned, complete with picture (which luckily matched the one on the dating site, so I knew he’d posted a reasonably recent one). It gave the company’s address, phone number and map. His bio said he’d been president of his national trade association. Nice!

    A little more digging found the organization relating to his ancestry. A quick search on the site by his first and last name revealed a listing with his home phone number. Googling that yielded his home address, and a Google map showed me where he lived. If I had wanted to go the next step, Zillow.com would have revealed how much his house was worth (although no info on any mortgages or liens).

    This took all of 10 minutes.

    Scary, isn’t it? Which is why I suggest you be a bit secretive in the beginning of relationships. You don’t want a guy you haven’t met Googling your home phone number and getting a map to where you live!

    I don’t typically tell I guy I’ve Googled him. Some read it as “potential stalker.” However, when I have disclosed it after a few dates, most guys seem flattered that I took the time to look, and that I know things about them that they didn’t know were on the web.

    I Googled the guy I’m currently seeing, a former city official. There was lots of press on him, luckily all good. The reporters were respectful of him. That says a lot.

    So I encourage you to Google away. However, keep the findings to yourself unless you uncover something bothersome, then ask him about it. If he squirms, gets upset or avoids your inquiry, then probably best to pass on this guy.

    What have you found after Googling a guy?

    And, BTW, Google yourself and see what’s out there about you — or someone with the same name.

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  • When do you feel most vulnerable in dating?

    He’s just not that into youRecently I’ve been feeling sort of vulnerable regarding the guy I’ve been seeing. He doesn’t call every day and if more than a few days pass, I begin to feel he’s gone “poof” like so many men before him. I could call him — and I have — but know that He’s Just Not That Into You says if he doesn’t call regularly, it can be a yellow flag.

    It made me think of when many women feel vulnerable in dating.

    • Immediately upon meeting a new guy — Most of us go through a little uncomfortableness immediately upon meeting a new guy as we want him to like us. We are told that men are visual, so if he doesn’t like how we look, then the date can be awkward. In fact, it can be painful if the guy has few social skills and tells you quickly through his words or behavior that he’s not attracted to you.
    • After the first date when you want him to call — If you like him and want him to call, the next 24 hours can be excruciating until either he calls, you get distracted by other activities, or you give up on his calling. You can invest in a lot of emotion waiting for this call. Sometimes to head off agonizing you call him, although you know that is often not the best route. Even though some men like a woman making the next move, many see it as needy.
    • Immediately after having sex for the first time — There’s a physiological chemical release during sex and women often become more emotionally attached to their partner. If the guy understands this, it can lead to wonderful cuddling and conversation. However, if he doesn’t, the woman can feel alone and abandoned.
    • Within days of the first time having sex — For many, the first time is a sexual audition. If he says, “I’ll call you” and he doesn’t within the next 48 hours, she often feels she didn’t pass and feels rejected.
    • When you’re not sure where you stand — You’ve been dating for a little while, yet there’s been no sign that he thinks you two could be a steady relationship. He keeps calling you periodically to ask to get together, but you’re not sure if it’s out of loneliness or if he’s into you. He continues to go online (you can see when he last logged on — today!), so you think he must not be completely satisfied with you.

    Does this list match your experiences of vulnerable times? If not, what should I add? And when do you think men feel most vulnerable?

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  • The first time … calling him

    woman on phoneA guy you’ve been emailing from a dating site has given you his number and requested you call if you want to talk. You’re grateful because you’re uneasy giving a stranger your phone number.

    His number sits on a Post-It on your desk. You pick it up several times a day. But you put it down each time. Without dialing.

    You like his profile and his pic. His emails have been interesting. So why don’t you call?

    You don’t know what to say. You’re afraid of stammering and stuttering and sounding like an idiot. You have no trouble making business calls, but this is different. You don’t have much practice doing this, since the last time you dated men made the first move. The Internet, stalkers, and safety concerns have changed all that.

    So the ball is in your court.

    You could always wimp out and write him an email. Or an IM. Or just give him your number. But no, you want to hear his voice, and yet you’re uncomfortable giving out your number, no matter how nice and sane he’s seemed so far.

    You know you need to dial the phone. But how to start?

    Review his profile or whatever you know about him before dialing. If you want a cheat sheet, prepare 3 or 4 open-ended questions. Open-ended questions get people to talk more. They start with how, what, who, why, when and require more than a one- or two-word response. You could start with “Tell me about…,” “Help me understand…,” “I’m curious about…,” “Share with me…,” “I’m interested in….”

    You could ask questions that elicit a “yes” or “no” answer, but then the conversation can stall. If he’s a bit nervous, he won’t elaborate. So prompt him with a question that invites him to talk more.

    Also, don’t interrogate him with rapid-fire questions. Make sure you comment on his response before asking another question. And allow him to ask you some questions. I find it best to end my answers with a question back to him, even if it’s just, “What do you think on that topic?”

    Here’s a sample for you.

    You: Hi Mark. This is Sally, also known as SunnyBright from Match.com. I wanted to call and say “Hi.”

    Him: Hi Sally. It’s nice to finally hear your voice.

    You: Thanks. It’s nice to hear yours, too. I liked your profile and I’ve enjoyed our email exchanges. You are an interesting guy. (A little sincere flattery is a good way to begin. Don’t comment on his pic by saying that you think he’s cute, as the pic could be from a long time ago. When you meet, he might not look much like his pic.)

    (Now ask him an open ended question. Something from his profile.) I thought it was interesting that you said you were an East Coast transplant. What is the most striking difference you’ve found from living on both coasts?

    (If you said, “Do you like living on the West Coast?” or “Do you miss the East Coast?” he could just answer “yes” or “no.”)

    Him: The people here are more open and friendly, which is great. I haven’t had time to meet a lot of folks, but am getting some friends from work and the sailing club.

    You: I remember you said in your profile you liked to sail. I love to sail, too, but haven’t been out in a long time. I love the wind on my face and being so close to the water. What’s your favorite thing about sailing?

    And you’re off. On the first call, people commonly ask, “What are you looking for in a romantic partner?” But they often express that in their profile — even if it is typically nebulous. And people aren’t particularly willing to go into a deep discussion on the first call. You want to know if you might be a match, but unless he says something that is totally off-putting, you can’t really tell if you might be a match or not.

    Some women also try to feel out a man’s readiness for a committed relationship and his interest in having a family. A guy may say he’s ready to settle down, but doesn’t know he isn’t until he is in a relationship. So you can ask, but a guy may say what he thinks you want to hear — not because he is purposefully lying (although some will), but because he’s not really clear on what he wants, but doesn’t realize it.

    The purpose of this first call is to see how easy he is to talk to. If it is difficult to maintain a conversation, it’s not good. If he talks 90% about himself, how much money he makes (or the material goods he has that tells you how much money he makes), how horrible his ex is, or curses or gets sexual, then no need to bother meeting. However, most people are on their best behavior on the first call, so if there is nothing odious about him at this point, it’s probably worth another call or coffee.

    exec woman on phoneBut let him ask! Don’t say, “Shall we get together?” or “Do you want to have coffee?” Yes, you’re an assertive, take-charge, twenty-first century woman. But this is not the time to show it. It will come out soon enough. You shouldn’t be something you’re not, but allow him to make the invitation. Unless you’re into shy men, he needs to show enough interest — and confidence — to suggest the next contact. Even if he says, “I’m up to my eyeballs in work the next few days. Let me call you back in a day or two,” that is a good sign. If you don’t want to give your number, say, “No problem. Email me a good time and I’ll call you back in a few days.”

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  • What was he thinking?

    Today I received emails from two guys from different dating sites. Reading them, I couldn’t help but wonder, “What was he thinking? That this would be appealing to me?” See what you think.

    YourSlave wrote (this is how he sent it):

    I KISS YOUR PERFECT PALE WHITEST FEET DEAR GODDESS

    I WILL ACTUALLY BE IN YOUR CITY FROM IN A FEW WEEKS YOUR-MAJESTY! I ABSOLUTLY LOVE YOUR BEAUTIFUL PALE WHITE WHITE WHITE SKIN YOUR- MAJESTY-!

    I am looking for a WOMAN TO PAMPER WITH FOOT-MASSAGES AND PEDICURES-!

    I am also looking FOR A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP THAT COULD POSSIBLY LEAD TO MARRIAGE ONE DAY-!

    You can always e-mail me back directly at: XXXX@aol.com. My yahoo instant messanger is: xxxx, by phone at: XXX CEL or at:XXXX HM

    NEIL OR KNEEL AT YOUR PERFECTLY PEDICURED PALE WHITE WHITE WHITE FEET ALWAYS-!!!

    All righty, then, looks like Neil/Kneel has not only a foot fetish, but a dominatrix desire. Sounds inviting — not!

    Mark wrote (I didn’t write him although he says I did, so I think this is boilerplate or he wrote it to someone else):

    Hi sexy,
    Has anyone ever told you how ravishing you look?Well if not i guess am the first to do so cos i cant just stop looking at your pics and thinking that you were gurgious.. I just started this online dating thing which my friend thought i shld try out and see if i wld meet the right person for me..I THINK I HAVE if you will reply me.. eheh…Am Mark but my friends prefer to call me Mar..am an engineer currently working in Uk .Am from Colorado but i schooled at Liberty University in the states for 4yrs………am expecting to get you in my life if you dont mind someone like me …If you’d like to get to know more abt me..my yahoo ID XXXX. Thanks for the lovely mail baby….Well i honestly didnt belief that you wld reply probably cos am UGLY.. LOL…..but you did..WOW….You are really beautiful baby if i can say.

    Although he was “schooled” at a university and is an engineer, obviously he skipped the English classes. Is this message compelling to you? It certainly isn’t to me.

    So, what were they thinking? Sometimes I think some of these guys are from a different species.

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  • Are you a power dater? Would you be upset with one?

    Another Internet dater shared that a guy she’d met online called and set a coffee date at 1:00 the following Monday. A little later, he called her again, apparently thinking she was a different woman, and set a 3:00 coffee date for the same day.

    She was incensed. She told him off and canceled both dates.

    I didn’t see why she was so angry. I’ve occasionally had two dates on the same day. So I asked her why she was upset.

    She said he was a “power dater” and by having such close dates, it wouldn’t let them get to know each other. He’d have to run to his second date (if he’d made it with another woman) after just an hour. She was insulted that he wasn’t willing to give the 1:00 date with her more time.

    Some dating books suggest that the first meeting be preplanned to last no more than an hour. The philosophy is that if you’re having a great time, it will allow you both to reflect on the date afterward and look forward to the next one. If you let a first date go on too long, and you both like each other, a sort of honeymoon energy can develop where you only see the positives.

    “What’s wrong with that?” you ask.

    I’ve had five-hour coffee dates. And I’ve experienced what the books discuss. I’ve become enamored with someone during that first date. While the feeling is exquisite to be in that state of bliss, in retrospect I see that I felt too close too fast. Things progressed too quickly that I should have allowed to take more time.

    How would you feel if you knew your coffee date had another right after you? Would you be upset? Do you see anything wrong with scheduling two dates in the same day? How long do you think a first-meeting date should last?

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  • Do you tell suitors how to make you happy?

    My friend Bruce says most women don’t know how to express how a man can make her happy. Women commonly say they want nebulous characteristics, like successful, strong, communicative, fun. A woman’s profile often says she wants a long list of nearly impossible attributes. A man begins to read the superman-like list and moves on as he knows he can never measure up.

    A man wants to make a woman happy. But he needs a clear roadmap. Do you like fresh-perked coffee in the morning? Sunset walks? Foot massages? He knows he can – or can’t – provide what you want. He also wants to be able to make you happy without going far outside his regular activities. So if he’s an outdoors guy and you say you like hiking and camping, he says, “I can make her happy taking her backpacking.” If you say, “I like concerts,” he says, “So do I! I ‘d like to take her to hear some great performers.”

    Now this may seem like common sense that a guy looks for women who like to do what he likes to do. But I think it’s more than that – it’s all around his making you happy. If you say you like opera and he doesn’t, he knows he could take you, but he won’t be completely comfortable. He’s willing to go to the opera every once in a while, but he’d be very happy if you’d be thrilled on the back of his Harley.

    What makes you happy? Write it down. Based on Bruce’s concept, I’ve rewritten my online profile. Following is how I’ve expressed what makes me happy. Maybe it will give you some ideas on how to say what you want. I’ve just included this in my profile and a few men have responded, but it’s too soon to see if it works better than the previous one.

    If you are my man, you know you can make me happy — and I’ll make you very happy. You’re strong yet sensitive. You listen carefully first and make sure I feel heard before trying to fix anything.

    You show your love through everyday actions: kind words, making me laugh, sharing a favorite last cookie, taking care of life’s messy parts. You like to open jars, take out the garbage, bring in the groceries, ensure the cars have proper maintenance. You show your caring by planning special outings from picnics on the beach, to concerts, dinners, or plays. You plan romantic evenings at home by preparing a fire, lighting candles, playing soft music and clearing the sofa for cuddling.

    You make me laugh at your silliness. You love talking about things that are important, not drivel. You know we needn’t agree on everything, and we disagree respectfully.

    You’re chivalrous and regularly show me I’m special through many little acts like opening doors, pulling out chairs, helping with my coat.

    You love to take me abroad, and when we travel, you like to make sure I’m taken care of. You make the arrangements and so we can relax and enjoy the journey together. You know I can do these things myself, but you know how much I appreciate it when you take care of it all.

    You know I think you’re sexy when you show pride in your appearance. While shorts, t-shirts and sweats are okay around the house, gym or on a hike, you wouldn’t take me to the movies or dinner like that.

    You are a generous lover, graciously receiving as well as giving. You know I like to dance, and we have a blast together. You’re willing to try new things that you think we’d both enjoy.

    You like to learn and grow spiritually, psychologically, and intellectually, and are always looking for ways to improve. You’re happy with who you are, yet know you can get even better.

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  • Being seduced by what he is over who he is

    I admit it. I’ve been so enticed by what a man is that it’s clouded my judgment about who he is.

    When dating the crazy psychiatrist, I adored when he consulted the pharmacist about what over-the-counter remedy would reduce my cold symptoms. I loved telling my friends that I was dating a doctor. Shallow, I know. Very shallow. I felt like his profession meant that I was able to attract smart, accomplished men. I ignored the ever-present fact that he was a self-admitted “impaired physician,” meaning a doctor with problems. And he had those in spades. If he’d been a normal guy — engineer, Realtor, manager, contractor — I wouldn’t have put up with the junk he threw at me.

    The Academy-Award winner was similar. His accomplishment overrode telling signs that this man wasn’t for me. But I was enthralled with the prospect of attending private screenings and Oscar night with him. I told myself, “I deserve someone who is at the top of his field,” even though he’d earned the award as part of a stellar team, not an individual effort, and that was over 10 years ago.

    Luckily, I’ve not always fed my ego and blinded my assessment by the status of my dates. I wasn’t beguiled by the former professional football player, ex pro basketball player, high-tech exec, CEO, lawyer, or venture capitalist.

    Sometimes I wish I didn’t know a man’s accomplishments or profession until I know him better. It is difficult to mask, however, because many list it in their profile or mention it in early communications. I’ve considered asking a man not to tell me for a while and see if I like him for who he is, not what he is. But now they are intertwined.

    It would be like getting to know someone through only email and phone, then showing up to meet him with you both wearing blindfolds. How different your impressions would be without the visual! You could smell his cologne, feel his hand and arm, perhaps hug. Would a kiss be more delicious or less if you didn’t know what he looked like?

    Do you find yourself entranced by a man’s profession and accomplishments? If not, how do you set aside whatever status you attribute to it and allow the man’s characteristics to show through?

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  • Your Date-A-Base — tracking multiple suitors

    When people hear that I’ve dated 71 men in 2 years and that I often date several guys simultaneously, they commonly ask, “How do you keep them straight?”

    I respond, “With a Date-A-Base.”

    Since I’m a business woman, I’ve long kept a database to track my customers. In business it is also known as a Customer Relationship Manager (CRM). I’ve adapted my business one to my dating life.

    In my Date-A-Base, I keep track of the man’s name, email, phone numbers, address, and picture. I copy his online profile into the electronic file. And I update it after we talk and I learn important things. This prevents me from asking again where he grew up, his family details, kids’ names and ages, alma mater, favorite hobbies, food, books, movies, etc. I review my notes before we I know we’ll be talking again.

    I start a database file as soon as we get away from email to the phone. I enter as much info as I have at the moment and add to it.

    When you have several people you’re contacting, it takes some organization to keep them all straight. Some people use a spread sheet to track their potential dates before meeting. My friend George, also a businessman/salesman, even had a pre-date spread sheet to track info on each woman with whom he was communicating. His was similar to how he’d track his prospects and customers. He’d log where she lived, if she was divorced or separated, how many kids and their ages, who initiated contact and when, and when they’d talked by phone. He’d enter her screen name, height and age, general looks (based on her picture) and “overall plus/minus” comments.

    Other people say they use index cards to keep people’s details straight. Others just print out the profile and make needed notes on it. I’m a tech-savvy gal so prefer the electronic version.

    Some of my dating friends have taken this tracking spread sheet to the next level. They have a number of categories across the top (looks, energy, intelligence, humor, etc.) and their dates’ name down the side. They then assign a number from 1-10 for each of the characteristics for that person. It seems cold, doesn’t it? But we all do that to some degree or another, just not so methodically. Then they can analytically decide if they want to continue seeing the person. I trust my gut more than my head, so this method wouldn’t work for me.

    The important point is do something to keep everyone sorted out. It’s embarrassing to say, “Will you be seeing your parents for the holidays?” when his parents are deceased. Or, “I hope Stanford whops CAL” when he’s a Berkeley alumnus.

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  • Getting to know a man through his humor

    A recent press release announced a new dating site, Funny Passions, for “singles with a sense of humor.”

    This strikes me as odd. I’ve never met anyone who thought him/herself humorless. Nearly everyone thinks they have a sense of humor, even if it’s obscure.

    Nixon laughingWhy is this site different? The release says “an entire site focused exclusively on bringing together people who consider a sense of humor to be important in their friendships…and in their romantic relationships.” Doesn’t everyone think humor is important to their relationships? So what’s the big deal here?

    The release says they bring together like-humored folks, “a few of the groups on the site are Amateur Comedian, British Humor, Camp, Dry Sense of Humor, Political Humor, Sarcastic, Slapstick, Twisted and Life of the Party…. It will be easier to find others who can make them laugh, and who ‘get their jokes’. While everyone enjoys a good laugh, it’s also great when you find others who you can make laugh.”

    While I agree that laughing and making others laugh is important, laughter is not the only thing that determines compatibility. In “He makes you laugh — is that enough?” I talk about how a man’s ability to make you laugh can block out deal breakers if you let it. One man I met online makes me laugh like no other. Yet we are not a match in other areas. We have transitioned to friends so we can enjoy the parts of each other we like, and not get irritated with the parts that make us not a match.

    Humor can be a way to avoid talking about deeper, serious topics. If someone is always making a crack when you’re trying to be soulful, it can get annoying. I wonder, “What’s he hiding? Is he uncomfortable talking about this?” I’ll ask if he’s uneasy, and if he still tries to hide behind humor, I know we’re not a match.

    Humor is sometimes an attention-getting device. Think of the class clown — s/he got a lot of attention from being funny. I know that was part of my motivation for taking that role. But if someone is not willing to relinquish the spotlight — if he is always “on” — it can get old.

    Also, if he doesn’t laugh at your attempts at humor, it shows that it’s all about him being the focus. Humor can be a form of control. He likes it when he makes you laugh. If you can get someone to do something involuntarily, it is a powerful position. Why do comedians get paid so much? Because they let us leave our worries behind in a pleasurable way. They make us laugh.

    I look for the tone of the humor. If it is focused on making fun of others, it can be a form of aggression. If his cracks make fun of you, it can be a way to express anger that he doesn’t know how to communicate openly and maturely. Humor, at someone else’s expense, can be abuse.

    Not to say funny people are self-centered powermongers and control freaks. But in excess, this can be true.

    Woody AllenI like occasional self-deprecating humor, but if all the jokes are Woody-Allen like, it can be a sign of low self-esteem. I like people who are confident and humble. People who can laugh at themselves, but not always putting themselves down.

    Would you join Funny Passions? Why or why not?

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