Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Winning at the online dating game

  • Hilarious example of a man’s “girlfriend job description”

    Serendipitously, yesterday this profile appeared in my matches. It cracked me up so much that I wrote to him, even though I don’t think we’d be a perfect match. There were enough appealing things in his profile that this was a time humor tipped the balance in his favor and I was compelled to write.

    His profile is headed “Personnel Ad”

    JOB DESCRIPTION: Long-term team player sought for position of friend/companion for 47-year-old male. Use your superior communication and social skills to build a serious long-term relationship. Must be willing to work evenings and weekends. Some overnight travel may eventually be required including trips to visit relatives, occasional evaluations of bed and breakfast and other inns, environmental studies in national parks, and observation of foreign cultures.

    RESPONSIBILITIES: This position calls for attendance at many long dinner meetings in fine restaurants. A hug and a kiss will be required after successful completion of such meetings where all objectives are clearly met. In addition, you must be prepared to hold hands everywhere. Long hours spent cuddling will be encouraged once you show competence in other areas of responsibility (especially the long dinners). You may be asked to discuss issues affecting our community locally, nationally, and internationally. An occasional game of cribbage or something similar with groups of friends may also be required.

    PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required. You will find that no previous experience will prepare you for this position. Enthusiasm for on-the-job training is a must. In addition, success in this position will require being serious only when absolutely necessary. It may help if you are a Democrat. The presence of children or future plans for them is not required, but will be considered a plus.

    COMPENSATION: This is a volunteer position and includes no direct payment. In fact you may find there is nowhere near as much tea in China as you thought. Occasional gifts associated with certain recurring dates or events are included, but the exact time of distribution of such gifts will not be revealed in advance. This will start out as a temporary position, but should be approached with the potential to move into a permanent position as a desirable alternative.

    BENEFITS: A tremendous benefits package is included. This includes homemade gourmet meals prepared exactly to your tastes, fresh picked roses from a beautiful formal rose and flower garden, among many other delights.

    MISCELLANEOUS: This man is actively involved in his community and loves children of all ages. Kids rave about his macaroni with butter on the side. He has volunteered as a youth basketball coach, a Big Brother, and organized parties at family shelters. If you like to see things from a different perspective, this is your man. He has been observed yelling, “Hey box,” while driving past the little blue signs asking motorists to “Call Box.” He has an exceptional dust collection which he keeps in unusual places such as the tops of picture frames. He enjoys lots of social sporting activities such as volleyball and softball. He does not ski, but does have a cross country ski machine/clothes rack and drove through Tahoe once in the summer. He likes history and will tour anything old. He does not always follow the rules exactly.

    What? A personal ad? Well that’s very different then. Never mind.

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  • What’s your “perfect boyfriend’s” job description?

    “When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal woman. Well, I found her — but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.” —Robert Schuman

    It has been said that first dates are like job interviews, with both sides interviewing for the other’s position of “sweetheart/lover/mate.” While most have done some work listing the characteristics of their perfect mate — the candidate’s qualifications, they don’t usually list their expectations — the actual job description.

    Since I am starting to see a new guy who interviews and hires people for a living, I decided to put our relationship in his language — a job description. However, since he’s out of town, I thought I’d practice on a guy who lives out of the area, but calls me regularly.

    I told him I wanted to play a game with him. He said fine. I said “Mr. X, I understand there is an opening for Mr. X’s girlfriend. What are the candidate’s requirements and the job description?”

    He laughed. “Well, she needs to be smart, beautiful on the inside, and fun.”

    “Hmm. What about beautiful on the outside? You have to be attracted to her, right?

    “Yes. But if she’s beautiful on the inside, that will come through.”

    “No requirements for body shape or height? Most men have some preferences here.”

    “I’m a leg man. I like good legs.”

    Beyonce“‘Good legs’ has different definitions for different people. Are you thinking the legs of Cameron Diaz, Beyonce, or Queen Latifah?”

    “Beyonce,” he said firmly. “Cameron Diaz’ legs are too skinny.”

    “What about touch? Do you like touch?”

    “There’s touch and then there’s Touch. The latter needs to be behind closed doors.”

    And on we went. I found it helpful to clarify what he meant about nebulous words. I shared what I was looking for in my guy’s job description. But I realized that I, like most people, had clearly written the candidate’s characteristics (tall, smart, funny, nice looking, active, chivalrous, accomplished), but I hadn’t written the job description. I have been gathering parts of the list in my head, but will flush out what I’ve begun to notice I like and want.

    Job description of the Goddess’s perfect boyfriend

    Seeking self-starting, action-oriented, smart, fun, playful, tall (6’0″+), physically active man, age 47-60, wanted for long-term relationship with tall, affectionate, fun, smart, playful, accomplished, thoughtful, feisty, positive Goddess. This Goddess is considered one of the top “catches” by many and few make it past the first interview. The top candidate will receive benefits far beyond what most others offer and these will be fully disclosed to the top qualified candidates. They include lots of kissing, caressing, cuddling and more, passion, understanding, respect, kindness, fun activities, home-cooked meals, laughter, support of your endeavors, positive attitude and feedback.

    The job entails:

    • Treating the Goddess like someone loved and cherished. This includes, but is not limited to, talking every day, being chivalrous (opening doors, etc.), romance (sweet talk, compliments, planning outings, flowers, surprises).
    • Working out any disagreements, rather than clamming up or disappearing.
    • Being loyal and not seeking other women.
    • Being a passionate and giving lover who also openly receives. Great kissing required.
    • Giving grace if the Goddess does something he initially interprets as negative.
    • Sharing feelings about life and our relationship on a regular basis.
    • Working to continually improve himself and his environment.
    • Living his life with personal integrity, including but not limited to, doing what he says he will, calling when he promises, doing what’s right, not necessarily what’s easy.
    • Having the courage to bring up difficult topics, and engaging maturely when the Goddess does the same.
    • Being financially mature and responsible.
    • Consciously taking care of his body so he is healthy and active.
    • Laughing at the Goddess’s attempts to be funny.
    • Socializing willingly and pleasantly in groups or with friends, both his and hers.
    • Planning outings like dancing, foreign films, dinners out, theater, parties, concerts, and other activities both enjoy. Initiating plans for events he thinks the Goddess would like, proposing them, and then arranging for the tickets, etc.
    • Participating in physical activities together (biking, hiking, walking, dancing) or alone (working out, running, golf, other sports). Regular physical activity a must.

    I may just email these to prospective suitors before we meet and see if they’re interested in the job!

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  • Falling in lust

    ” Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.” —Mae West

    How do you know you’re falling in love vs. falling in lust? I don’t have the answer — I’m hoping you do! All I know is it feels like I’m falling in something!

    Here’s what’s happening:

    I met an amazing guy Wednesday. Everything clicked. I mean everything. There were no red flags — is that a red flag that he has no immediately detectable flaws?

    We spent a lot of time together the next evening. Still, no glaring character flaws. No obnoxious habits so far. I know, you’re saying “You’ve only just begun to know him so he’s on his best behavior. The flaws will come out.” But usually when I’ve spent this amount of time with someone, their quirks have begun to show.

    The confusion about lust vs. love comes when he’s got the important items on your “perfect man” list (tall, good looking, fit, funny, intelligent, thoughtful, chivalrous, educated, articulate) and there’s physical magnetism (love his energy, his kisses, his tender caresses). So are these all components of love, or does chemistry (lust) take over? Or is lust just a key factor in falling in love?

    One guy pal described the difference: “When it’s lustful you think about touching her breasts. When it’s love you think about holding hands when older.” We decided love is when you want both.

    I’ve fallen in lust before. You have barely met yet can’t keep your hands off each other. Things progress quickly and soon you’re intertwined. After a few encounters, you realize you don’t really know the person. One of you steps back and says, “We need to slow down.” Or you realize you’re further along than you want to be, so you break up — or just vanish.

    So how would you distinguish the two? Share your thoughts in a comment.

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  • Guy needs to make effort for first encounter

    I broke my own rule the other day — I initiated contact with a guy. I don’t know why I do this — the results are almost laughably predictable. He had looked at my profile, but didn’t write. I thought he was cute, smart, articulate, so I wrote.

    His response: “I live close to [intersection about 10 miles from me]. If you ever find yourself coming to this area maybe we can plan a chance meeting.”

    Translated: “I don’t have much desire to meet you and am not willing to make any effort, so if you come to me, I’ll eke out a few minutes to deign to see if you have any appeal to me.”

    Well, buddy, your inertia is unappealing. Even if we lived a ways apart, you could at least offer to meet half way if you’re so lethargic that you can’t muster the extra 5 miles to meet near me, which most guys do.

    And, by the way, how does one “plan a chance meeting”? It’s an oxymoron. That’s like planned spontaneity. You can’t plan a “chance” meeting.

    So, no, pal, I won’t be calling you nor driving to your neighborhood for that planned chance meeting.

    When will I learn that if they don’t initiate they have no energy for you?

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  • Signs that he won’t be asking for a second date

    He’s pleasant and cordial, not a jerk. But there are signs that there won’t be a second date.

    • You’d agreed to meet for a drink. The waiter brings your drinks, but when he asks if you are ready to order, your date says, “We’re just having drinks.” If he were interested in spending more time with you, he’d say, “Check back in a little while” or at least offer to order appetizers.
    • He doesn’t make much eye contact. That means he doesn’t like looking at you. Even if he is shy, if a man thinks you’re attractive, he won’t be able to keep his eyes off you.
    • He doesn’t comment on your attractiveness. An interested guy says, “You’re much prettier than your pictures,” or even “Wow! You’re beautiful,” or “You have such pretty eyes.” He’ll find something to compliment you on.
    • No casual touching. If a guy is attracted to you, he’ll touch your arm or hand, or the small of your back as you walk to the table.
    • He doesn’t smile much. Even if he is shy, a man who wants to make a good impression smiles a lot at what you say and laughs when you attempt something funny.
    • If the waiter asks if you want another drink, your date doesn’t ask you, he just says, “We’re fine.” Do not, under any circumstance, order another drink unless your date asks. He wants to be polite, but he can get surly if you make him wait while you down another.
    • He doesn’t seem interested in you. He doesn’t ask you questions about your interests or life.
    • No mention of a second date. An attracted man will try to set up the second date during the first, or at least mention it as a possibility. For example, if you mention something you like (e.g., type of movies, food, music or activity) he’ll say, “Next time we will go there/try that.”
    • He can’t wait to get the check. He may chase down the waiter if it isn’t coming fast enough.
    • He accepts your offer to contribute to the check. Bad sign. This shows he has no interest in you romantically.
    • He doesn’t walk you to your car.
    • He shakes your hand as you part and says something like, “It was nice to meet you.”

    Most of these alone don’t mean there’s no second date coming. However, if there are several — or heaven forbid, all of them — just try to get out of there as quickly and pleasantly as possible.

    Don’t take it personally. Just know it isn’t a match and move on. Next!

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  • Gentleman morphs into masher

    I recognized him at the airport coming past Security. He was taller than he seemed in his pics, better looking and better built. He’d been on an airplane 13 hours, yet he’d donned a suit and tie because he knew I find men in well-fitting suits sexy!

    He recognized me — I was wearing a tiara, of course. He said he’d have recognized me without it. He kissed me on both cheeks — how European! — and gave me a quick hug.

    We dropped his suitcases at his hotel and I waited while he changed. His body clock said 5 a.m. so he was tired and hungry. During an enjoyable light dinner with good conversation, we periodically touched and held hands, as we had walking to the restaurant. After dinner, he announced he was tired so we walked back to his hotel.

    As we hugged goodbye, he suddenly got a burst of energy. He started kissing and caressing me like a starving man at an all-you-can-eat buffet who voraciously fills his plate to overflowing as if he’ll never eat again. It was as if someone had announced “Let the grope-fest begin!” I quickly extricated myself as I knew where the one-way grab-train was heading and I wanted off at the next station.

    So what happened? How did he go from gentleman to masher in a few minutes? Did I give off unintended signals that I was easy? What happened to decorum on the first date? What happened to respect? Did he think that his air fare and hotel costs entitled him to sex? Did he really expect that I would sleep with him within hours of meeting him? Was he used to that from other women, or was I just so luscious he couldn’t control himself? I doubt either was the case.

    I was disappointed that I had to fight him off. I didn’t see it coming.

     

    “Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.” —Mae West

    We saw each other for a few hours the next day before his flight home. He was back to being a gentleman, albeit an affectionate one. He says he’ll return in a month for a longer visit, staying in the same hotel. So at least he doesn’t assume he’ll stay with me. Before he buys his ticket, we will discuss expectations. If he expects to fly 2000 miles for sex, he shouldn’t bother. For the same price he could get a high-priced call girl.

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  • “Sex: A Man’s Guide”

    I thought this posting would pique your interest!

    But, since mostly women read this blog, why am I writing about men’s sex?

    When I began to put my toe in the dating water, I realized I had been intimate with only man in the past 20 years. I wondered what might have changed. What should I be aware of that I didn’t need to worry about much with pre-marriage intimacy in the ’70s and ’80s? For example, I knew virtually nothing about STDs and decided I should educate myself.

    At my library’s book sale Sex: A Man’s Guide jumped out at me. Nearly literally. A friend shopping with me pulled it from the piles and said I needed it. I flipped through it and agreed. I figured I should know what guys know — or at least should know. I read the 478 pages in one sitting — then had to take a cold shower.

    It was so informative I decided to make it my coffee table book. It is quite a conversation piece, with dinner party guests taking turns reading aloud especially, uh, “interesting” parts.

    I decided it would be a great test for gentleman callers. I toyed with putting Post It Notes peeking out from particular pages on how to please a woman. Then I could later see if he had done his homework. I considered leaving the book on the coffee table, putting a hair on the cover before a guy came over, then excusing myself, and later seeing if he’d picked it up. That’s an old detective trick — I’d know because the hair would be gone.

    It turned out that most guys, pals as well as suitors, were interested in it immediately. Some asked why I had it, however most didn’t. But they weren’t turning to the parts I wanted them to. They turned to “prostate problems,” “erectile dysfunction,” and “male G-spot.” Drat! My plan did not go as I imagined.

    Still, it is a good read. Just make sure you have enough cold water for a shower afterward.

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  • Anticipating a big date is like awaiting Santa

    Sexy santaTonight I’m meeting a man with whom I’ve been communicating for a month, with nearly daily hour-long phone calls. I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve, unsettled with the excitement of what Santa will bring. Do you remember that feeling of joyous anticipation as you await a big event?

    Will the electricity be as great in person as it has been on the phone? Will he look like his pictures? What if he doesn’t like how I look? What if I don’t like the real-life version as much as I’ve like the virtual version? Will it be better than I imagine or worse?

    It takes will power not to build up impossible expectations, which lead to inevitable disappointments. Trying to be Zen, “Whatever is is,” feels unattainable. Singing “Whatever will be will be,” trite.

    Why is this meeting so different than previous first encounters? First, we’ve connected deeply for a month, talking about things that matter: goals, fears, feelings, accomplishments, mistakes, regrets. This creates pent-up expectations. Second, this man has behaved differently than any of his predecessors. In fact, he’s so unlike any of the others, I waived my “locals only” rule since he lives 2000 miles away. How will we ever develop a relationship long distance? How can that possibly work? Yet I know that if two people want something to work, they will be very creative to make it happen.

    So today I wait. I busy myself with work to keep my mind occupied. I’m sure I’ll start getting ready way before I really need to. I don’t want to be rushed. I want to look my best. I don’t want to be stressed with little setbacks — run in the stockings, changing outfits to choose the right one, heavier-than-usual traffic. I want to be relaxed and stress free for this big date. Wouldn’t you?

    I wonder what surprises Santa will bring.

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  • Are you putting your best voice forward?

    Do you know what your voice projects about you to your potential date? Most people don’t. They can’t even stand to listen to their outgoing voice mail. But in the dating game, how you sound is one component of the dance that can either lead the guy to ask you out or beg off.

    Today I talked to a new potential suitor. His picture was cute; his profile expressed intelligence and humor; he was tall. All good things.

    But his voice wasn’t as deep and strong as I like. Is it a deal breaker? No. But it doesn’t add to his allure. However, another man with a Barry-White-type deep, melodious voice earned many dates with me, even though there were other things that weren’t a great fit. I loved hearing him speak and overlooked other imperfections because of it.

    Another man was jovial on the phone, but he mispronounced too many words, even though he had a graduate degree. He also slurred words. If he’d just had some help with diction and enunciation, he would have come across much better. Another’s speech pattern was effeminate. He is intelligent and fun, but when I first heard him on the phone, I wondered if he might be gay. He isn’t. I went out with both, so the voice wasn’t a show stopper. But it did make a difference in their overall attractiveness.

    Men often comment that they like my voice. One said, “I’m so glad you don’t have a high, nasal, or squeaky voice. That would be hard to listen to.” I have worked hard to have a pleasant voice, even suffering through listening to recordings of myself to make improvements.

    You don’t want to sound breathy, as that sounds like you work for a 900 service! I know a woman who answers the phone with a breathy “hel-low,” sounding as if she were the receptionist for a call-girl service, rather than a mid-life mother of teenagers. And she only talks like that until she knows who it is, then she slips into her “normal” tone. The difference feels odd because of the inconsistency. She does, however, have wrong numbers call back just to chat with her! But none have resulted in a date.

    Get some feedback about your voice. If you could improve, get some help from a voice coach. It will not only affect your success in dating, but will probably help you in your job as well.

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  • Dating dilemma — what would you do?

    I am invited to speak on a cruise in 6 weeks. I and a guest will not pay for the cruise, just tips, excursions, and air fare.

    “How great,” you say. “What’s the problem?”

    “I’m considering inviting a guy I just started seeing, assuming we continue to hit it off and I don’t think he would drive me crazy for a week together. But my dilemma is what to do about the costs not covered by the cruise line.”

    “What’s the issue? He’d pay for his own flight, excursions, incidentals, etc., right?” you respond matter-of-factly.

    “Yes. He is getting a free $2000 cruise. Would I suggest he also pick up my incidentals, etc? Something like ‘My speaking covers your cruise. So you can pick up our other related expenses.’ Although he’s well off, that feels greedy. Depending on the excursions it could be $500 to $1500 per person.”

    “You should suggest he pick up his own expenses, and if he offers to pick up yours, great, but don’t suggest or expect it,” you counsel.

    “OK. Here’s where it gets dicey. If the roles were reversed, I’m guessing he’d pick up many of my expenses. And I’d let him pick up some.”

    You are so wise. Write me a comment telling me what you’d do if you were in my place.

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  • The addiction of dating

    Dating can be addicting. Why?

    There is the excitement of the chase. The first emails, the first phone calls, the first meetings. The attention of a man attempting to please you — to woo you. I’m often drawn to a man who says he’s wants to spoil his woman. I like spoiling, don’t you?

    With online dating, there is a steady steam of potential suitors. Men write and tell you they are drawn to you: “You are smart, sexy, beautiful.” Sounds good to me! I can’t help it, I fall for these old lines.

    Guys go out of their way to try to impress you. They (usually) want to make a great first impression, so they are charming (if they know how), chivalrous, engaging. Not all men, of course, but more are at the beginning of the dating cycle.

    When I’ve found myself in between beaus, I’ve feverishly searched various online dating sites looking for potential matches. I’ve violated my own “don’t initiate” rule and emailed interesting guys. To be without my fix of dating (e.g., attention) can be unnerving. You do what you need to do to score a flirty email or coffee date.

    So beware. The dating dance can be habit forming. Watch out if you find yourself constantly searching the dealers (online dating sites), and be careful of doing things you know are not in your best interest (dating a guy you know isn’t a good match) just to get your high.

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