Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Winning at the online dating game

  • He makes you laugh — is that enough?

     “We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh.”
    —Agnes Repplier

    Women list the number one thing they want in a guy is “someone who makes me laugh.” While I agree this is important, it is not the over arching criteria on which to base a relationship.

    Yesterday I was contacted by a guy who had emailed me several months ago. I had sent him one of my nice “thanks but no thanks” emails. I couldn’t find his online profile, so wrote back to ask for his handle. Along with his screen name, he sent me this:

    “There are a lot of things missing in my profile that I would like to point out, so since bullet point presentations is what I do on a regular basis, I thought this would give you a better idea of who I am.

    1. My business is doing very well, so I am financially secure. Since all of this terrorist stuff started, they basically leave the drug dealers alone. As a result it would probably be several months before I try to borrow money from you.
    2. I am emotionally available. Ever since I was acquitted of my ex-wife’s death, all of the issues of emotional baggage are safely at the bottom of San Francisco Bay….literally.
    3. I am of upstanding and forthright character. This can be verified by the type of people that are frequently seen around me, judges, attorneys, miscellaneous members of law enforcement and parole officers.
    4. I have been clean and sober for almost six weeks now. Unfortunately I need to admit that I have put on a few pounds since giving up heroin as my diet aid.
    5. I was given a clean bill of health by the instructor of the anger management course that I was required to take (these court ordered things are so annoying). The instructor mentioned that he has never seen such a radical and permanent change in any student ever. Ironically I was punching him when he said that, but you get the general drift of what I’m trying to say.
    6. As a father, I have instilled excellent values into my children. My son was recently arrested and refused to rat out his co-defendants. Even after they offered to let him walk. Makes a father feel proud to see his son living by a code. My daughter has really taken my business sense and gone to a whole new level. She currently has about eight girls working for her. They are doing great. I don’t get to see her as often as I like, do to her business being only legal in Nevada. She has considered moving back to California, but seems to think L.A. is the appropriate place. There appears to be some significant market share since Heidi Fleiss left the business.

    “Ok…so I am trying to make you laugh.”

    Did he make me laugh? Yes. Did I agree to a date? No. There were too many things in his profile that were unappealing that even a great sense of humor couldn’t overcome. However, if there was only one or two things that weren’t a fit, I would have considered it based on his humor and persistence. So humor can tilt the scale in a guy’s favor. But it alone is not enough. Be clear on your criteria and if humor is one item, don’t allow it to overshadow all others.

  • “Pimpin’” — Dating multiple guys

     

    “Save a boyfriend for a rainy day — and another, in case it doesn’t rain.” —Mae West

    I’ve found that successful dating requires juggling several men at once. It is like sales, you have to have a number of prospects in the pipeline. I frequently date several men in the same time period until two of us decide to be exclusive or one of us decides to move on. If you only date one at a time, it takes too long to get the next one in the pipeline.

    When I was explaining this to my teenaged nieces, they said I was “pimpin’.” Now hold your hat — their definition of a pimp was not the same as mine. It merely means dating around. Let’s be clear here that dating around does not mean sleeping around. You can date multiple people and not sleep with any of them. In fact, I’d recommend you not sleep with any of them until you decide to be exclusive and you both agree that means letting go of all the others you’ve been seeing. It is not wise or safe to be a “player.”

    Dating around takes special skills. You have to remember the guy’s name when you’re with him, unlike the time I was halfway through dinner and couldn’t think of my date’s name (it was a first date). I have been told by a guy pal that when a man can’t remember your name on a date, he calls you “sweetie.” You think it’s endearing; he gets off the hook.

    You also have to remember other details that he’s shared, otherwise you’ll ask the same things over again and he’ll think you didn’t pay any attention at all. I’ll share an easy way to track this in another posting.

    You have to have the discipline to not talk about your other guys while on a date. This is déclassé. While you can imply that you are seeing others, don’t throw it in his face. He may think you are slutty.

    But dating around gives you an opportunity to have multiple activity needs met. One likes foreign films, another opera. One likes to hike, another is a tennis buff.

    BTW, he may be dating around, too. Clarify this on the first few dates just to be sure you’re on the same page. When I do this, I always ask if he’s sleeping with anyone. Multiple sex partners increase the risk of STDs. I recommend not sleeping with anyone til you’ve decided to be exclusive, then you both get tested for STDs before going further.

    So dating around has its pros and cons. I find the pros outweigh the cons, and open, honest communication is best if you are going to date others simultaneously.

  • What is sexy?

    “Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.” —Sophia Loren

    In my online profile, I used to describe myself as sexy. I took it out. Why? I realized that while I feel I am sexy, it is totally subjective. What if the guy doesn’t find me sexy? Will he doubt other things I say?

    What is sexiness? To me it is a confidence, a strong sense of self, not arrogance. It doesn’t have to do with body size or shape or facial beauty. I’ve known people who were sexy but not particularly physically attractive. A friend of mine is a burn victim, having scars over most of his body, including his face. Yet he is a babe magnet. I rarely see him without a beautiful woman — or several — surrounding him. He’s been married three times!

    Do you think you are sexy? If so, do you allow it to show? Do you wear clothes that show off the best parts of your body without looking slutty? Do you smile, flirt and play with men? Does your walk show confidence? Do you put your best foot forward in public? These all contribute to that mysterious “sexiness.”

    What do you think is sexy in men? I am partial to easy smiles, long-sleeved shirts with the sleeves rolled up, a great fitting suit with an impeccably tied tie (small knot), goatees, good posture, a tuft of chest hair peeking out of an open-collared neckline, intelligence, humor, kindness, strong biceps and chivalry. I once went out with a man because a pic in his profile showed him with a great smile and biceps the size of my thighs. (OK, nothing is as big as my thighs, but you get the picture. Unfortunately, the in-person version was not as enticing as the picture.)

    Describe what you think is sexy. This is not all the attributes of your perfect mate, but what you find sexy. If it is personified in Richard Gere, Taye Diggs, or Tom Cruise, what is it that makes them sexy to you? When you articulate it clearly, it will be easier to spot. Don’t cop out with “I know it when I see it.”

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  • Safe online dating

    A gal pal said she was afraid to date online because of safety issues. It’s true that online you don’t know much about the guy. But that is true if you meet him in a store, bar, on a singles hike or dance. So there are some precautions you take no matter where you meet someone, but especially with online connections.

    • Set up an email address that doesn’t include your name. You can set up free email accounts through Yahoo!, Google, Hotmail and others. Make sure you don’t put your name in the “from,” just your handle. The reason you don’t want to put your name in the “from” is someone can easily Google you and in some cases, find out where you live or work, go to church, or frequent other places if there is a posting with your name on a web site. I’ve found out where guys worked and lived, complete with a map to both, by a little Google sleuthing.
    • Only give your cell phone number. Did you know that someone can find your home address and map if you give them a listed landline number? So if you give him your number, only give your cell. And to be even safer, take his number but don’t give him yours.
    • Only meet him in public places for the first few dates. When I’ve made exceptions to this rule, I’ve been sorry. Not because of safety concerns, but because it is harder to extricate yourself from an uncomfortable situation or send him home if things get too personal. So now I only meet him in a public place for the first few dates.
    • Don’t get in the car with him on the first date. He may seem fine at first, but you are totally at his mercy when you are in his car. Always take your own car, no matter how nice he seems. If he pressures you or tries to make you feel silly for wanting to have your own car, you know it’s time to leave. Same with him wanting you to drive him somewhere. Don’t do it, no matter how trustworthy he seems. Ninety-nine percent of the time it will be fine, but you don’t want to worry about that 1 percent that creates a problem.
    • Ask about him at places he frequents. I learned a potential suitor worked at a company where another friend worked. After we set up a lunch date, I called my friend. She said she thought he was married. She checked around and found out that yes, he was. I cancelled the date. Another guy attended the same Rotary as a friend of mine. I asked her about him and she said he was a good guy. Had she said anything negative, I would have rethought if I wanted to meet him. If I did, at least I would know my friend’s take on him.

    While the above seem common sense, I’ve ignored each one. Now I don’t. Not that I’ve been in any dangerous situations, but I’ve realized I could have been. So keep your guard up for the first few dates. Even after that, someone could turn out strange, but I find most guys are on their best behavior for the first few dates, then their true nature begins to come out. So don’t make exceptions to the above until you are pretty confident he is a good guy.

  • They come, they go

    When a friend asks about a potential suitor I’ve talked about but is no longer around, they seem surprised when I say “He’s gone. They come, they go.”

    This is how it is in the dating world. You see someone a few times, then they lose interest or move on, but don’t bother to tell you what’s going on. I’ve learned not to take it personally; it just isn’t a good match, even if I thought it might be worth more exploration.

    I try to practice (but am not always good at) the Zen concept of non-attachment. I enjoy the time I am with someone, and if we continue to see each other and we’re both enjoying it, great. But if one of us decides it isn’t a good match, then fine. It truly isn’t a good match unless both people feel so. I work hard not to leave a guy hanging, so will either tell him personally, or if we’ve only met once, through an email. However, I find many, many guys just do a David Copperfield — they vanish.

    I may write him an email if I am interested in staying in touch, but I most likely won’t call. I figure he’s moved on. He knows how to contact me and if he’s drawn to do so, he will. But I send a nice email to let him know I figure he thinks it isn’t a match and if he’d like to reconnect at some time, he’s welcomed to do so. Some guys think if too much time has passed, they are embarrassed at trying to rekindle a relationship, so I want him to know the door is open, even if just as pals.

    It can be hard to practice non-attachment if you are strongly drawn to someone. But if you become too attached too early, it leads to demanding, needy, controlling, jealous behavior — which will drive the subject of your desire to leave in a flash. So just enjoy what you have and you will, in fact, be more appealing. He will want to be around you because you have no expectations that he will call the next day or take you out the next weekend. It actually makes him want to be with you more.

    But if he disappears, don’t hunt him down. Just know he wasn’t a good match for you and say what I’ve said very, very often: “Next!”

  • Be careful of being smitten

    As I was enthusiastically describing to a friend my fondness for my newest gentleman caller, she asked “Are you smitten?” I pondered, then replied, “No, enamored.” We then discussed the difference.

    The dictionary describes smitten as “To affect sharply with great feeling; marked by foolish or unreasoning fondness.” Enamored: “To inspire with love; captivate.”

    “Smitten” seems school-girlish, a giggly crush; all reasonableness vanishes. When I’m smitten I ignore glaring red flags that say “Warning, Will Robinson. This is not a good match.” When I think back on my smitten experiences, none of them have been good choices, but something strong pulled me in. When you are smitten, you put your good sense on the back burner and do spontaneous — and sometimes stupid — things.

    “Enamored” feels more grounded, more mature, longer lasting. I still think about him throughout the day, look forward to our talks, am strongly fond of him. But I also know his foibles and have decided they aren’t deal breakers.

    So if you find yourself caught up quickly in romance, feeling swept away, intoxicated, and hearing yourself say “I’ve never done this/felt this way before,” enjoy the spontaneity and excitement, but put the brakes on before you do something you’ll regret.

  • What do men look at in your profile?

    Yesterday a dating friend told me what he thinks men look for in women’s profiles. First, your picture. If he likes your face, he’ll look for one that shows your body. If he likes your body type, he’ll read more. After body, he looks for height, as he likes taller women. Then he’ll look at age and what the woman says she wants. If she wants kids or if she has little kids, he moves on.

    He asked me what women look for. I told him what I look for, as I really can’t say what other women look for. I first look at height, age, then at the photos. I look to see if he’s got kids at home (not optimal for me), if he lives alone or with roommates (I’m not fond of roommate situations), then how he expresses himself. If he is articulate and ideally funny, doesn’t have more than a few typos, and has made the effort to write more than a few lines, I continue. I then look at education, although I’ve met some great guys who didn’t graduate college. I also look at occupation, income, and his lifestyle.

    I look at what he’s looking for. If he wants someone younger, shorter and thinner than me, I know we’re probably not a good match. However, if he’s contacted me, I will respond if he sounds interesting.

    My friend told me that when men read profiles they are basically asking “Could I make her happy?” So if she has a jet-setting lifestyle and he’s a couch potato, he passes. Or if she loves opera and the symphony and he’s a hard rock guy, then he moves on. So when you write your profile, answer the question that’s on the guys mind: “What does she want to make her happy?” Your writing will be more captivating that way.

  • A favorite question to ask

    Dr. Phil says we don’t ask the right questions when determining if someone might be a good match for us. I’m sure he’s right. I now have a list of questions I *wish* I’d asked, which I’ll post later.

    One of my favorite questions to ask tells me a lot about the man. I explain that I was invited to a Halloween singles’ dance and potluck. The invitation said to come dressed as “your shadow side” — the part of you you’re not proud of having others know about you. You know, things like you’re a slob, couch potato, controlling, etc. I pondered dressing in several costumes, like a judge’s robe because my ex said I was judgmental, or a witch with a big “B” on my chest because… well you know why. Before I tell him what I finally decided on, I ask what were things he’d consider.

    His response tells me a lot. If he can’t think of anything he’s not proud of, it tells me he’s not very introspective. We all have things we want to change. If he comes up with things like “Superman,” he’s not clear on the concept of “shadow side.”

    Even if he doesn’t come up with something immediately, his reaction to the question and discussion around this tell me a lot.

    What question could you ask that tells you a lot?

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  • When it clicks, throw out some of your criteria

    I met a wonderful man online 10 days ago. He is successful, intelligent, funny, gentlemanly, worldly, interesting, communicative, educated, considerate, articulate, complimentary, shares his feelings, and is a great conversationalist. So far, we share the values we’ve discussed. We have similar political views and philosophies about life. We are both small business owners. We talk every day for an hour. But we haven’t met. Why?

    Because he lives 2000 miles away.

    I nearly never communicate with a man outside a 1-hour drive from my home. Why? Because I’ve found it takes being with a man to really see how I feel around him. How does he treat me when we’re together? It’s easy to be charming and chivalrous on the phone. It’s another thing when he walks 5 steps ahead or doesn’t look me in the eye when he talks.

    So far, I really like what I’ve gotten to know. More so than any other man I’ve encountered in this dating adventure. We are arranging a time to meet, but we both have extended travel coming up soon. We are looking at connecting in person when we both return.

    I’ll let you know then if I will reassess my no-long-distance-relationship rule. I think this one may be worth ditching the rule for.

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  • 50 ways to leave your lover? 4 ways NOT to leave your suitor

    If you know it isn’t a good match, you owe it to him to tell him and then either move on or become friends. But do so graciously, respectfully and gracefully, no matter what. Here are four ways NOT to let him know.

    • Via email — if you’ve dated him more than a few times, have the guts to tell him that you aren’t going to see him again in person, or if that’s not possible by phone. I had a lover break up with me via an email after we’d dated exclusively for 7 weeks. He said he was too cowardly to do it in person! It was disrespectful and hurtful to not do it in person when we’d just seen each other the day before.
    • After only a few minutes — After 10 minutes one guy told me that he wasn’t attracted to me so he was leaving. On one hand, good that he didn’t waste either of our time. But he could have been more graceful than saying “I’m not attracted.” How uncouth!
    • Yahoo messangerBy IM — This is the modern version of the “Sex and The City” Berger break-up Post-It to Carrie. Tacky. A guy I had been dating for 6 weeks sent me an Instant Message breaking up with me — when he knew I wouldn’t be around to read it until later. Essentially, it is as classless and spineless as an email.
    • AWOL — Not returning emails or voice mails. I’ve had two guys do this, one I’d dated for 6 weeks. After talking 5 or 6 times a day for 6 weeks, he suddenly didn’t respond to any emails, IMs or voice mails. He’d left some clothes at my house that I wanted to return to him after I didn’t hear back for a few days, and he still didn’t respond. I left them on his front porch, as there was not much else I could do.

    Have the courage and decency to be gently honest when you release this person back into the dating pool. You will feel better about youself, and you’ll leave him not hating you.

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  • Have a good memory to avoid repeating mistakes

    Today a nice-looking man emailed me. Based on his profile, he would be someone I would be interested in getting to know. He met most of my criteria.

    However, as I looked at his picture, I felt I had seen it before. Had he appeared in my matches before? If so, I would have contacted him. Had I done that? My cloudy memory seemed to remember some contact, but it went nowhere. Did he not respond? Say he wasn’t interested?

    I responded to his email asking if he remembered if we’d connected in the past. He said he didn’t think so, and did I want to get together. Whoa, cowboy! He was moving too fast! On the second email wanting a meeting without even having a “get to know you a bit” phone call? Something was off.

    Then I remembered. We had a phone call 6 months ago. I thought it was odd that he asked “If you felt the chemistry was right, how soon would you feel comfortable being intimate? The first date?” “No.” “The second date?” “No.” “The third date?” “I doubt it, but it is so dependent on how we click.”

    Although my radar was up that he was only looking for a quick roll in the hay, I agreed to meet him for coffee the next day. I tend to give people the benefit of a doubt, so thought I may have misinterpreted his questioning. I took his cell number and he took mine.

    I arrived at the coffee shop at the appointed time. I waited. And waited. And waited. After 20 minutes, I called his cell. Wrong number. Had I written it wrong or had he given me a fake number? I returned home. I emailed him asking what happened, giving him the grace of allowing he might have had an emergency. I never heard back.

    I figured that because I was not going to be an easy sex partner, he moved on and stood me up without the decency to call and cancel. And now he was again wanting to meet me.

    No, I will not be getting together with this inconsiderate guy.  My memory is too good.