Dating-over-40 advice by the Dating Goddess™
There are good dates, ambivalent dates, bad dates, and sometimes dates that are none of the above, just clearly not encounters with someone who is in any way a match. They can be painful when you, for manners sake, must stay longer than you would prefer.
A while ago, after a few email and phone conversations with a man who made me laugh, I accepted his lunch invitation, even though I generally start with only coffee. I rued not sticking with this rule!
You may know that Greg Behrendt is the more visible co-author, with Liz Tuccillo, of the wildly popular advice book for women, He’s Just Not That Into You. In it they tell us, among other things, that if a man you’re dating doesn’t call you at least once a day, he’s just — you guessed it — not that into you.
Additionally, if a man’s not asking to see you at least once a week, he’s not that drawn to you, as other things are taking his focus.
If you believe the book — as I have in the past — you have used how frequently a man contacts you to determine how into you he is. If he doesn’t call, text, IM or email at least every couple of days, nor ask me out at least once a week — ideally by Wed. (a la The Rules), I’ve decided he’s not into me and continue dating other guys.
There are several problems with this premise:
DG reader Carol asks:
I’m a single woman with three grown children, ages 26, 24, and 19, all on their own. I’ve been dating a man for eight months who has two adult sons, ages 37 and 35. He is fearful of introducing them to me, although he’s met my children (and liked them), friends, and we are now planning a trip to my brother’s home. I really love him, but am concerned that he will continue to hide our relationship — one son knows he is dating, but not my name or anything about me. How could I support him in introducing us, and after a year, should I write him off if he’s taken no action?
When in Singapore in January, I learned about a Chinese legend that is supposed to help you attract love. It’s pretty simple.
In Chinatown, a friend pointed out two Mandarin duck figurines. She said if you put these little statues in your bedroom so they faced each other bill-to-bill, they would attract love to you.
Why?
Yesterday was my birthday. When your birthday approaches, do you ask yourself, “What do I want?” Not just tangible presents, but what would make you happy not only on that day, but in life? I do.
Approaching my birthday, I decided I wanted to spend it with King Charming. Since I didn’t expect him to intuit what I wanted, I thought of several experiences I could suggest that would make me happy:
There was only one problem: King Charming was out of town and not to return until after my birthday. So what would be Plan B that would still make me happy?
At dinner, a date once exclaimed, “Girl, I’m glad you like to eat!” I immediately wondered if I was wolfing down my meal, or if I had ordered too much and he thought I was pigging out. After quickly assessing I’d done neither, I asked what he meant.
DG reader Toni asks:
I just had a second date with a man who, during the show, put his hand on my leg. I removed it. To me that is way more intimate than holding hands or a hug is — the kind of intimate “owning” thing that a serious other does — not someone I don’t know at all.
This has happened to me on the first date! On one level, you could be flattered that he felt so comfortable with and attracted to you he behaved as if you’ve been dating longer. Or you could be incensed that he was so presumptuous and ungentlemanly that he would think this was okay.
Yes, most of us would be in the second camp.
Do you have biases about supposed characteristics attributed to a potential suitor’s personality, values and behaviors based on limited information? For example, do you think lawyers are hard-nosed and blood thirsty? Accountants are boring? Men over X age are sluggish and out of shape? Short men are…; tall men are…; men born abroad are…; men raised in certain religious traditions are….
No matter how open you like to think yourself to be, it is rare to not have some stereotypes based upon your experiences or your friends’ experiences. Even if you feel you are unaffected by the media’s depiction of certain professions, races, body types, religious backgrounds, etc., it is hard to not begin to lump men with similarities into some pigeonholes.
If you’ve dated more than a few men who you learned didn’t exactly live up to the hype they promised, you’ll appreciate this video. It’s a fun parody of the hip-hop love songs extolling the guy’s sexual prowess.
But what if one were to be this honest when dating? Admitting one’s inexperience, ineptitude and insecurities — especially early on when you are really wanting to impress your date? It would be somewhere between sad and refreshing, depending on how it was delivered.
DG reader Toni asks:
What is your sense about men who react to your online profile with a gushing email about how you are probably ‘the one’ for them, etc. and also who make several references to making love, the afterglow, etc. I feel uncomfortable when if a man seems to idealize me without ever meeting me…and also with references to sex, though I certainly like sex…but somehow it seems a bit out-of-form to bring it up in an introductory email. What is your take on all this?
For a relationship to work long term, I believe it’s important that you are able to fit into each other’s world. Not that you have to live parallel lives with the same profession, income, hobbies, etc.
But is important that you can easily slip into each other’s activities, gracefully converse with the other’s counterparts and dress appropriately for the occasion.
This seems common sense, I know. And you’d think that if you are drawn to a man he would automatically fit into your world. However, I can tell you from experience that just because you get along well with him, it doesn’t mean he will meld with your friends and/or colleagues.
