Dating Goddess

We like our friends, in part, because of who we are when we are with them. We feel we can relax and be our best self.

Unlike how we feel when we are around people who we find difficult, obnoxious or off-putting. Part of why we don’t like being around those folks is because we don’t like how we feel around them.

Another way to say this is: around our friends, our true self is called forth. We feel good, comfortable, relaxed.

Midlife singles often tell me that the biggest challenge with dating is getting a date in the first place. That isn’t what I see as the greatest obstacle, as you could easily go out with lots of people if you adjust your criteria.

In my experience, the biggest issue is finding someone interesting and engaging enough to see again (and they feel similarly), then building some traction. About half of the 110 men I’ve gone out with resulted in one-time-only meetings.

(Dear Readers: My fabulous former relationship counselor and friend Sonika Tinker has a teleseminar series and CD set I thought might interest you so I asked her to contribute a posting.)

by Guest Blogger Soniker Tinker, MSW

Many singles are tired of the dating scene and sick of superficial interactions. Most leave dates and singles events feeling more lonely and discouraged than ever.

Why? The dating scene doesn’t work.

Our society drowns us in Valentine’s Day propaganda — cramming down our throats that if we have a sweetie we have to go all out to show our ardor. And by implication, if you don’t have a honey, you are a loser.

You know you’re not a loser. You have been working toward finding a compatible, mutually attractive sweetheart. You’ve been consciously and consistently making yourself the best you can be.

You’ve kept up your beloved-finding activities. Over and over. Like a long march toward an elusive love. You keep at it.

Younger men. Sometimes decades younger. Perhaps young enough to be your son.

I’m not usually drawn to them because they are typically even more immature than the fifty-somethings I tend to date. And I abhor the concept of and term “cougar” so would never want to be accused of one.

But every once in a while a younger man comes along who is worth considering. And if there’s mutual attraction, it can be great for your ego — as well as fun!

When your friends are all coupled and rarely want to do something social without their spouse, it can be hard to find activity buddies. Sure, there are singles events in many locales, but often they feel like an audition instead of just having people with whom to do things. And other than your all being single, you may find you have little in common with these folks so make few connections.

Sometimes you come upon someone on a dating site who likes to do similar things as you, but you know there’s no romantic interest. Other times the person will say clearly, “Looking for an activity partner.” It takes the pressure off wondering if he’ll try to kiss you in the middle of the first date!

Men often show their connection by teasing and good-naturedly insulting each other. They can make pot shots about the other’s weight, thinning hair, bulbous nose, incompetencies, shortcomings or lack of sexual prowess without taking it personally.

So what happens when a woman — especially a woman he’s attracted to — tries to join in the boys’ club teasing?

A 25-year-old woman agreed to meet — for the first time — a man she’d connected with through a dating site at his house at 9 p.m. to go out to dinner. When she arrived at his door, he grabbed her by the hair and pulled her inside. There, a gun-toting accomplice demanded her keys and the two men drove off in her car.

This is a tragic story.