online dating book for women over 40

Deb writes:

“I have had 4 dates with one man and I find him very interesting, funny, smart and a gentleman. How do I tell if he is really interested in me? I have read books and everything says to play a game, acting like you are not interested and he will come after you. I want an honest, open and upfront relationship. Do I tell him that I like him and flat out ask if he feels the same. Or do I go with the game of acting like I am not interested?”

Ah, Deb. The age-old question of, “Do I turn him off if I show I’m interested, or pretend to be aloof and coy in the hopes of enticing him?”

This conundrum has plagued women for decades (nay, centuries?).

A recent conversation with a guy pal was startling.

He’s a smart, goal-oriented, ethical, solid-morals, middle-class guy. So I assume he hangs out with other like-minded folks. But apparently not so much.

Since my divorce, I’ve had a fear of dance classes. Not because I’m concerned about following the steps — I’m reasonably adept at that. But it’s for another reason — something that I think might plague other accomplished women.

It might be something that you struggle with yourself.

He’s got a comb over, beer belly, and has donned a wrinkled shirt. Yet he thinks he’s James Bond. George Clooney. God’s gift to women.

Why?

Salsa — a spicy dip and a spicy dance. My latest experience is with the latter.

Dr. Philling myself, I asked how online dating was working for me. I’ve met some interesting men and gathered a few sweethearts from the experience, but know there are other options. Yet, being situationally introverted, I’m not great about getting myself to in-person singles events.

Like many midlife daters, I want to maximize my ability to meet intriguing singles. So I’ve been pep-talking myself into more in-person activities. Doubting I’ll meet anyone in my 99% all-women Jazzercise classes, I’ve expanded my reach — and my comfort zone.

It’s a bit awkward when someone you’re newly getting to know invites you to a casual family event and you end up hitting it off with his family much more than you do with him!

This happened to me this weekend. My new activity partner (AP) and I had agreed to see a movie. He called at noon to see if I’d like to have a bite to eat beforehand. “Sure” I responded. Then he added, “We’ll go to my brother’s for a BBQ, then we can go to the movie.”

“Hmmm” I thought. “We’re only activity partners, not really dating, and we’ve only seen each other 3 times before. It’s kinda early to be meeting his family. But what the heck, maybe it’s a party and I’m his plus one.”

It was not a party. It was just the four of us.

Yee-haw!

Country Western dancing. Let’s go!

This was my feeling as I decided to try something new, a bit out of my comfort zone, in my quest to experiment with meeting available men in the “natural” way. Common advice from dating experts is to take a class in something that interests you. So I thought I’d give it a try.

Since I know no Country Western dances, my gal pal — also known as my courage crutch — and I knew we needed to show up for the lessons an hour before the club’s normal hours.

When we arrived, a line-dance lesson was in full swing. We hopped right in. Although the instructor wasn’t as thorough as my Jazzercise instructor, I followed along reasonably well, messing up less and less as the lesson progressed. My gal pal, however, bailed about half way through and sat down.

While munching sushi and margaritas, the sweet, 62-year-old widower shared his concern as we discussed dating. His wife of 3 decades had died 18 months ago and he was dipping into the dating pool.

What he found was a lot of aggressive, sexually hungry women. He was dumfounded that they tried to seduce him on the first date. He was not happy about this.

His online profile mentioned that he loved sex, something that is usually a yellow flag as it says the man doesn’t have much of an appropriateness filter. But other things he shared made me give him some slack.

Half an hour into our first phone call, he said he “loved, loved, loved sex.” He suggested our first date be at his house to watch a move and if I wanted, stay over. I said I wasn’t comfortable going to a strange man’s house on the first date. I should have called it quits then, but I’d enjoyed most other aspects of our conversation.

Before we met, during our second call, he mentioned the previous Saturday night he was with a woman he used to date from Match.com. “I ended up staying the night” he shared. He now wanted to get together with me.

It was clear his attitude about sex was different than mine. He obviously felt no need or desire to be exclusive with someone with whom he was having sex, since he was trying to set up a date with me.

I was listening to my friend Mike Robbins speak to a group about his newest book on authenticity, Be Yourself. Everyone Else is Already Taken: Transform Your Life with the Power of Authenticity. He’d asked the audience a few questions about what value authenticity has in our lives and then he asked why being authentic was so hard.

Several people shared that being authentic meant being vulnerable which wasn’t always optimal, especially in business. There was much agreement that one should be their authentic self, no matter what. Phoniness was not compelling.

I raised my hand and said, “I struggle with strategic phoniness. For example, if I’d shown up for this event without makeup or Spanx, you wouldn’t have wanted to be around me. My authentic self wears neither, but it doesn’t represent the me I want you to know. So when is strategic phoniness acceptable?”

“You’ll never meet another guy like me” he said confidently during our first phone call.

I refrained from saying “Duh. Everyone’s unique,” but I decided it would be better to play along. I wanted to see what he thought was unique. “How so?” I asked, curious about what he’d say.