Dating after 40

I mean “capacity” in several ways.

I heard a sharp rap through the phone. “What was that?” I asked my friend. He’d just inquired about my love life and I told him of the current potential suitor who was very attentive, but lives thousands of miles away — and who I’d not yet met.

“That” he said, “was me slapping you.”

I'll be spending the hour with KGO's Maureen Langan at 11:00 p.m. PST. Come join in the conversation!

By now, anyone with a news feed knows of the the Manti Te’o/Lennay Kekua hoax, or what is known in the vernacular as catfishing. It is when one is duped in a romantic context, by someone purporting to be someone they are not. Scammers do it all the time, but usually they tip their hand within days or weeks when they ask for money. Catfishers have other, not always clear, motives.

Are they sociopaths? To some degree, as they stretch out what began as a prank or joke. But, as in Te’o’s case, the prank continues and the victim’s emotions are involved. For the more naive or lonely, it doesn’t seem implausible to have strong affection for someone they’ve never met.

As we date, we begin to define our deal breakers. Some are solid — no way would you date a cheater, domestic abuser, drug user or felon. But some, you learn, are more malleable. What you thought was a deal breaker, when attached to the right guy, isn’t any more.

On my list of deal breakers/must haves are height, education, income, locale and age appropriateness. I’ve been pretty staunch in rejecting nearly all who didn’t meet my criteria. On rare occasion, I’ve dated men who were an inch shorter, even though I really love taller men. For a short while, I dated a man who I eventually learned had just filed for bankruptcy, although I really prefer men who are financially secure.

So how do you know if something is really a deal breaker or not? And under what circumstances might you modify what you thought were stoppers?

Part of the allure of the TV singing competition “The Voice” is that the contestants are judged initially on only the quality of their singing. I can see the wisdom of this, as one’s appearance and movements affect how we respond to them and it could sway how one votes for a performer.

Thank you Taylor Swift, for a lyric that perfectly reflects my sentiment. Especially now.

Why?

As a kid, were you ever disappointed when Santa didn’t deliver a coveted gift? I was. I would pout and sometimes even cry from disappointment, not being interested in the socks and clothing gifts that were utilitarian but not something I’d yearned for. I know I should have been grateful to have anything, but a kid’s mind doesn’t always work that way. Especially when my siblings seemed to get their highly desired gifts. They were pleased with Santa’s largesse.

Fast forward to adulthood. When we find a sweetheart at the holidays, we may attribute the treasure to Santa, or more likely, to a higher power. But what if you don’t get the gift of a sweetie yet your single friends do?

It’s hard to not feel left out and disappointed.

As much as I love John Legend, his “Tonight” lyric is indicative of men who over promise and under deliver. If a man brags about his prowess in kissing or sex, you can bet you will be disappointed.

My married BFF has patiently listened to my dating ups and downs for many years. At her suggestion, we decided to attend a well-known church’s fundraiser comprised of an evening of foot-stomping, hip-wiggling music and finger food. She said, “Our kind of men will be there.” Since she is married, I assumed she meant successful, music-loving, charity-supporting men — not married ones!

I’m channeling Britney, with an “oops, I did it again” experience this week.