dating over 40

I’m an equal-opportunity dater. I’ve gone out with Caucasian, Black, Latino, Asian, Indian, Native American and mixed-race men. Although it doesn’t always come up, I know some have been Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, agnostic and atheist. None of these on their own are deal makers or deal breakers. My interest or disinterest depends on many other elements.

So it surprised me when some Black men asked me if they are an “experiment.” If going out with them was part of satisfying some curiosity of mine. The first time I was asked this I was confused, so probed.

“What do you mean by ‘experiment?'”

(Read about our first encounter)

A few days ago he returned from his global travels and was in my city for a few days. He remembered that my birthday is today so he decided to treat me to an early birthday celebration. He’s still handsome and buff at 61, but perhaps not as much as when he posed for Playgirl 30 years ago.

In addition to his good looks, he’s attentive, intelligent, humble and funny. I briefly thought of abandoning rationality and suggesting a romp in the hay. I’m pretty sure he would have been game. But then I remembered that trysts are like Chinese food — soon thereafter, I’m hungry for something more substantial.

Here’s a recent question from one of our regular guy readers. I thought you might have some suggestions.

There are usually inequalities when you are dating. One person has a more successful career. One person is better at interpersonal skills, and the other is better at technical skills. Differences that makes life interesting and the world go around.

I have accomplished kids. All of them will graduate from college, and have the potential for decent careers. They have their flaws, but are typical middle class, suburban, kids. The kind of kids where you can share their accomplishments when friends are talking about their kids.

I’m getting to know a woman who I think may be someone special. She seems like a decent middle-class person, but has made some bad choices in men — philanderer, alcoholic, etc. However, her kids are a lot less successful than mine. One had a promising military career until a genetic predisposition to alcoholism reared its ugly head. The younger two are content to just get by in life. In talking with her about her past relationships, she mentioned wanting the American Dream: husband, house, and kids.

We are both past the having babies stage, but I wonder about the inequality of our families. All the kids are old enough that they won’t be living together. But, I just started wondering if the inequality will bread resentment. I can provide a husband and a house. But for kids, we will have to play the cards that have already been dealt.

Hair.

It can either be a source of pride or vexation. Women typically either love or hate their manes. If a woman’s tresses behave as she desires, she’s very happy. If not, she bemoans her bad hair genes. Sometimes both in the same day.

What does a woman’s hair have to do with dating? A lot, it seems.

He’s tall — 6’3-1/2″.

He’s dark — with a perpetual tan.

He’s handsome — drop dead gorgeous.

He has a deep, sexy voice.

He’s funny, humble and adorable.

He’s athletic — a former NFL player.

Our 19-year age difference doesn’t seem to matter.

There’s only one problem…

I once read a study’s findings that men who were married/partnered in midlife and older lived longer than men who weren’t. The researchers explanation? That if a man has a physical ailment, he’ll let it go, not wanting to see a doctor, thinking it will clear up on it’s own. If he lives with a woman who knows about the malady, she insists (nags?) him to see the doctor. Thus, ailments that would get worse in time are nipped in the bud and healed.

As we get older, many of us develop bad habits (like thinking something will clear up on its own). If we live by ourselves, or with a non-friend or non-relative roommate, or have friends that aren’t very forthcoming to give us feedback, it’s easy to start doing things that are unacceptable to others but we think are normal.

This is why some people are in the “undateable” category, no matter how smart or nice they may be.

This weekend while traveling I spent time with a gal pal. (I was staying at a hotel nicknamed "The Beau"! How fitting!). We were bemoaning our past relationships and how…

I was asked to contribute five of my best tips for dating after 40 to the new compilation eBooklet, "Tips, Tools, and Resources for the Second Half of Life." This…

Today, a question from a reader:

“I’ve been seeing a guy for 6 months and we still can’t get farther than a quick peck on the lips or a quick impersonal hug. I’ve told him I want more intimacy but still nothing. What should I do?”

In my five-plus years of dating, I’ve connected with thousands of men from various dating sites. Some have only been through email, others progressed to a phone call, and I’ve actually met face-to-face with 101 of them.

I’ve never run into any of the ones who didn’t make it to the coffee date.

Until today.