dating over 40

The other day I fell. Not for my date, but on my date. And a first date at that.

It was pretty embarrassing, as well as painful. I was all cuted up, in a form-fitting top, sassy skirt, patterned hose, 2-inch heels — not too high. I had nothing — absolutely no alcohol — to drink. We were dining at a table raised above the floor by two small steps. There was low lighting.

When I excused myself to go to the ladies room I didn’t see one of the steps and went down hard. My cute self was splayed on the floor. Luckily, my skirt wasn’t wrapped around my head.

You’ve been unlucky in love lately. You think this St. Patrick’s Day the luck of the Irish could rub off on you. But your goal is not to get lucky with a one-night stand. You’d like more. You’d like a long-term relationship. How do you begin?

The other day, while preparing for a second date (dinner at a nice restaurant) with a special guy, it occurred to me how much date prep differs significantly between genders. No big revelation here. But the “ah ha” was how little I think one appreciates what the other does.

OK, really, I was thinking how little men understand and appreciate what a women does to prepare for a nice date with a guy she likes.

The Intelligent Woman’s Guide to Online Dating by Dale Koppel, PhD.

Dr. Koppel has combined two short books in one. In fact, she’s printed her book so you read it one way to get her story, then you turn the book upside down and you get her advice. But she repeats large parts in both sections, so really it’s more like 1.5 books.

Despite dating over 100 men in three years before finding her Mr. Right, her advice is really pretty light on how to navigate the online dating game. In fact, she recommends lying in your profile. Her logic makes sense and she says she discloses her lies quickly in email, phone or the first meeting. She was nearly 60 when she began her quest, but she put her age at 57 to make herself searchable to men in her target age group. This is a common online dating strategy, but I think it makes the man wonder, “What else is she lying about?” Some even asked her that outright.

I have a “sensitive” stomach. It helps me date better.

Why?

It’s probably not what you think. It has more to do with men and less to do with food.

They are out there. We know it. We hope we will be lucky enough to avoid them. But sometimes they come into our lives.

I encountered one up close last night. I met him online. Before you launch into “This is why dating sites are so dangerous,” I’ve met nearly 100 men this way and he’s the first that I’ve discovered has a history of scamming others.

His profile title is “Obama Senior Advisor Seeks Amazing Woman.” Who wouldn’t be drawn to that? Evidently, that’s part of his scheme. We talked by phone a few times and set a time to meet.

People often say they treat others as they want to be treated. But in dating (and in life) that frequently results in disappointment, hurt and anger.

Let’s examine some common scenarios:

A midlife dating challenge is knowing who is unattached and might be interested in getting to know you. Even when you encounter nice, age-appropriate men, how to you ascertain if…

Getting Naked Again: Dating, Romance, Sex, and Love When You’ve Been Divorced, Widowed, Dumped, or Distracted by Judith Sills, Ph.D.

Dr. Sills wrote Getting Naked Again for women over 45, although at times she includes men, too. She approaches the subject with a mix of academic research and anecdotal illustrations. She says she interviewed 100 men and women for this book.

Generally, her philosophy and mine meld. She discusses how to look at dating positively and to see this process as a way of learning about yourself. Her book is an easy read, not getting bogged down with anything too heady.

You may not be a teacher per se, but we teach by what we advise others. If you’ve been dating for any time, you have no doubt given a friend advice on a situation s/he’s facing.

In writing these missives, I’ve become clear that what I suggest to you is often the lesson I need for myself. In fact, sometimes I write a posting not so much for you, my dear readers, but to cement the learning in my own psyche.

Today a teacher appeared for me. The irony of the encounter was so glaring I knew it was a lesson for me as well.

A 7-year-divorced, midlife friend is starting to date again after a few-year respite. A few years ago, she fell in love with a man who seemed equally infatuated. They dated for six months, having sleepovers several times a week. It seemed this relationship was going to be long-term, so she took the plunge and introduced him to her teenage daughter, something reserved for very few of the men she dated.

On a business trip, immediately upon landing she turned on her phone to tell her sweetie that she’d arrived safely and there was his text: “I’m married.”

We can only imagine the pain, anger, betrayal, hurt, and confusion she felt. Needless to say, it’s taken her a while to reenter the dating pool. Which she did recently.

She shared, “I met someone online. I liked him but since I’m so rusty, I was nervous on the first date. He gently put his arm around me and I couldn’t believe I said, ‘Don’t touch me! You don’t know me well enough.'”

Now we feel compassion for her, don’t we? We understand how one can be nervous around someone whom they’ve become fond through emails and phone conversations. A kind, loving, caring man would give her some grace because of the pre-meeting connection they’d shared.

But her story doesn’t end here.