friends dating

Good-looking men are nearly always alluring. Some ruin it, however, when you spend time with them. Their good looks have made them arrogant, vain, insensitive and/or jerks. They are used to women treating them well even if they behave badly.

In an episode of “30 Rock” Jon Hamm played a handsome doctor who Tina Fey’s character described as living in a bubble. People bent over backwards for him, but he thought that was how all people were treated. He had no idea that the generosity he experienced wasn’t commonplace.

Other men use their good looks to manipulate others. Some are con artists, exemplified memorably by Brad Pitt’s character in “Thelma and Louise.” Not only did he seduce Geena Davis’ character, but he took all her money afterward.

I would have never predicted that this would be a problem in dating. But it was — for a friend of mine.

Sometimes we find ourselves thinking about someone we would have liked to date, but it never came to be. You wonder how it might have turned out. If he’s still single, you wonder if you should reconnect. Or if he’s now a pal, if we should telegraph our romantic interest.

A colleague and I found ourselves single during the same time frame. We enjoyed each other’s conversations, but there was never any move to go out. We shared dating stories and cheered each other on. He was always attentive and complimentary, but he never intimated that he felt other than pals.

Since humankind began, people have been trying to improve their allure. Yet it seems elusive for many, even though some elements seem obvious:

I’d deleted his contact info everywhere I could find it after he broke up with me via text 2 years ago. I was surprised to receive that text, as our 5-month relationship had been tumultuous, but I (wrongly) thought we were committed to working out our hiccups. Our last conversation two weeks later — via text because he refused to talk on the phone — didn’t go well. So I worked to heal the hurt and move on. We hadn’t had any contact since.

A DG reader shared that he learned his last girlfriend was currently married only after he proposed when she said she was pregnant.

It made me think of what else would be assuring to have someone prove before you got too involved. Of course, it would be considered rude to request the following — at least at the beginning — but it would certainly clarify any questions.

See what you’d add to this list:

I am a bit of a profession snob, tending to eschew men who I don’t feel have a similar job status. I’m not proud of it, but it’s true. I’ve tried dating blue collar men, and I’ve never found it worked well.

So you’ll be surprised to learn that I had a first date with someone on the other end of the career spectrum — a shepherd.

A reader wrote:

“I am overweight — not morbidly obese but overweight. I mention in my profile that I am a bit overweight. I have yet to progress from one initial email with anyone. I feel as if it is impossible to get a date with anyone when you are overweight — am I wrong? Should I not mention it and lie like everyone else? This is so frustrating.”

There are lulls in dating life when you have no active prospects. You’ve moved to the “friends” category anyone who’s contacted you in the past. No one interesting has appeared on the horizon.

For most daters, this is their most frequent experience, lingering, perhaps checking online sites for new arrivals. But either no one contacts us or returns our emails.

I’d read data that said 50% of men listed on dating sites never get one contact from women.

Yet my experience is that men rarely respond to my being the one who makes the initial contact, or for the few who do, it’s nearly all “thanks but no thanks.”

So I decided to set up an experiment. Granted, it’s not very scientific, as I only posted one profile and set of pictures. Had I been more scientific, I would have posted various ones to see if it was my looks or writing that was alluring or repelling.

For the last 3 months, I’ve regularly emailed men I thought had some chance of being a match. The results are dismal.

I like to think of myself as a generally positive person, but I have my pet peeves. Self-absorption is one of them, although I’m guessing I can act in ways that seem self-centered to others.

Over the last few years, I’ve noticed others acting in ways that seem narcissistic. The visitors to the church next to my house who park extending two feet into my driveway. The woman at exercise class who put her bag on top of mine along the wall, meaning I would have to move it when I needed to get my weights out, when there was plenty of other space available for her to put her bag.

However, it’s in the dating world that this self-focus can be glaring. In the span of a week, two men who have shown interest in me have committed what I consider egregious acts of selfish behaviors.