online dating advice

You may not be a teacher per se, but we teach by what we advise others. If you’ve been dating for any time, you have no doubt given a friend advice on a situation s/he’s facing.

In writing these missives, I’ve become clear that what I suggest to you is often the lesson I need for myself. In fact, sometimes I write a posting not so much for you, my dear readers, but to cement the learning in my own psyche.

Today a teacher appeared for me. The irony of the encounter was so glaring I knew it was a lesson for me as well.

A 7-year-divorced, midlife friend is starting to date again after a few-year respite. A few years ago, she fell in love with a man who seemed equally infatuated. They dated for six months, having sleepovers several times a week. It seemed this relationship was going to be long-term, so she took the plunge and introduced him to her teenage daughter, something reserved for very few of the men she dated.

On a business trip, immediately upon landing she turned on her phone to tell her sweetie that she’d arrived safely and there was his text: “I’m married.”

We can only imagine the pain, anger, betrayal, hurt, and confusion she felt. Needless to say, it’s taken her a while to reenter the dating pool. Which she did recently.

She shared, “I met someone online. I liked him but since I’m so rusty, I was nervous on the first date. He gently put his arm around me and I couldn’t believe I said, ‘Don’t touch me! You don’t know me well enough.'”

Now we feel compassion for her, don’t we? We understand how one can be nervous around someone whom they’ve become fond through emails and phone conversations. A kind, loving, caring man would give her some grace because of the pre-meeting connection they’d shared.

But her story doesn’t end here.

I’ve been interviewed a lot lately to promote the Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 book series. A question I hadn’t really given a lot of thought to keeps coming up.

It is, “What’s the biggest negative surprise you’ve had with dating midlife men?”

Since I keep getting asked this, my response has evolved as I’ve thought about it more.

My answer?

The term “Beginner’s Mind” comes from Zen Buddhism. It means having an open mind, an eagerness and a lack of preconceptions when learning about a topic or activity, even when you aren’t a novice.

Midlife dating can be difficult to approach with a childlike wonder because you’ve dated in the past and/or been in long-term relationships. You feel you are at the graduate level, not a newbie. You think you know a lot about the other gender, even if you’ve had difficulty in many of your past relationships.

Talking about dating with a midlife single friend he asked, “Do you know men’s biggest dating fear?”

“Dating a psycho?”

“No.”

“Getting an STD?”

“No.”

“She gets pregnant?”

“Those are all high on the list, but it’s not what I’m thinking of.”

Valentine’s Day is meant for lovers. So what if you are alone on this day designed to celebrate love? What if you are like many women who are dating, but without a regular sweetie with whom to celebrate Valentine’s Day? Perhaps you’ve been dating around, but there’s no one with whom it makes sense to get lovey-dovey on this, the snuggle fest of holidays. Or maybe you have yet to stick your toe in the dating pool.

There are many ways to spend the day wrapped in love, even if you are without a sweetie. Here are some ideas for you:

I have an inkling into why the cliché “nice guys finish last” has become an axiom. Nice is not enough for many women to find a midlife man appealing.

One of the hardest things in dating is when one of you misinterprets the other’s niceness or politeness for interest. I’ve been on both sides — the misinterpreter and the misinterpreted. Last night I was on the latter side. Neither feels good.