over 40 dating

When we are fond of a man, we look for signs of his endearment toward us. We seek affirmation that he thinks as dearly about us as we do about him. Sometimes we mistake his natural habits for signs that he is going out of his way to show his affection toward us.

For example, you are on your third date and he:

The Psychology of Romantic Love: Romantic Love in an Anti-Romantic Age by Nathaniel Branden

A friend recommended I read The Psychology of Romantic Love to help refine my perspective on relationship dynamics. The beginning section on the history of marriage is interesting, if only to understand that it’s a recent concept in human history that we marry someone with whom we are in love. Additionally, two parts stood out for me.

After my latest breakup, I decided to get to the bottom of why I would stay in a relationship that wasn’t meeting my needs and put up with behaviors I wouldn’t accept from a friend, let alone a beau. I’ve engaged the help of a psychologist friend, Ben, to help me root out the cause and heal whatever allowed me to stay in a relationship that a part of me knew was not good for me.

I’m becoming pickier as I date longer. In the beginning I’d have coffee with nearly anyone who asked, as long as he was polite, could spell reasonably well in his profile and emails, and didn’t curse or get sexual.

However, now that the thrill has worn off of meeting an avalanche of new men, I’m more discerning about to whom I’ll give my time. I encourage you to find a balance between meeting interesting new people and weeding out those who clearly aren’t a fit before committing to even coffee.

Just as the song “Where Have All the Flowers Gone” mourns the disappearance of things that are important to us, my gal pal bewailed her experience not finding interesting eligible bachelors. She said, “Where are the dynamic men — like me? Where are the funny men — like me? Where are the adventurous men — like me? Where are the intelligent men — like me?”

When you are besotted by a guy you begin to associate him with things related to him. His cologne, style of shirts, favorite musical artists or songs, car make and color, even most-liked foods are imprinted in your brain as markers for him.

Which is great when things are going well. When you see something that reminds you of him, you smile and get a warm feeling. You encounter triggers that flash images of him several times a day and you remember his cute smile, loving embrace, or soft kiss.

The challenge is when he’s broken up with you and you still have feelings of love or fondness toward him. You’re trying to let him go, move on and push his memory to the back burner. But instead, you see reminders of him more frequently than you’d like. You find yourself getting emotional over everyday things and it’s embarrassing to get teary eyed when you walk past a man who smells like him, wears the same brand and style of shirt, or hear his artist playing on the radio.

One of the funnest things about the dating adventure is who you meet serendipitously. It’s part of the allure of dating — you never know when a treasure will show up in your in box flirting with you.

This week I’ve had an encounter that even if it goes nowhere, is still very fun for me.

You were contacted online by a man who lives 75 minutes away. You exchange a few emails; you have a nice phone conversation. You accept his coffee invitation for a few days hence, agreeing to meet half way.

You think about the conversation for a few days, realizing he disclosed a few things that make you know you aren’t a good match in terms of temperament and interests, plus there’s the distance issue. You think about the time it will take — 30 minutes to get ready, 45 minutes to drive there, 30-60 minutes for coffee, 45 minutes to drive home. You realize you don’t have enough evidence that this would be worth three hours to meet this guy.

I went out with a delightful man three times while King Charming and I were broken up for a few weeks some months ago. When KC and I decided to get back together, I told this man the news. Since we are in the same field and I liked his personality, I asked if we could stay in touch as pals. He said he’d like that.

Over the past 4 months we’ve talked for an hour every few weeks, taken several long walks together, and attended a professional meeting. I shared with him the final demise of my relationship with KC, and we talked for an hour about what we’ve learned from past relationships. We laugh a lot, flirt some, and share our successes and setbacks.

Sounds like a great relationship, huh?

In response to a friend asking how I was doing, I told him of my most recent breakup experience — how cavalierly and insensitively my now-ex beau communicated his decision. I told my friend that despite my focusing on all the ways this man treated me disrespectfully, I was having a heck of a time moving on. 

A past beau called the little chores he did for me around my house “honey dues” and implied they were the dues men paid to make their woman happy.

I’ve generally thought it was sweet and loving when a man offered or agreed to help with small household jobs that I either couldn’t do alone or didn’t have the expertise to accomplish. Usually I call a handyman when I need help, but often a beau has offered assistance.

Honey do’s can be simple household maintenance acts via which a man shows his caring for you. A man replaced my leaking kitchen sink faucet to one with more features and no drips, for which I am appreciative every day. Another consolidated my audio equipment into a home entertainment center, which I love. Both men are gone from my life, but their thoughtful deeds live on and remind me of their kindnesses.

But sometimes I’ve paid more dearly to have my man’s help than to pay my handyman.