Dating after 40

My friend has been dating a new guy for a month and it was going well. He’s emotionally mature, good looking, financially stable, fun and treats her well. They had two activities planned for the weekend near his home, an hour away from her.

He invited her to stay overnight so she didn’t have to drive back and forth. His guest room was offered as an option so she said yes.

As they hung out the first day, the conversation drifted toward sex. Then he made this disclosure.

At the farmers market, a woman asked the vendor how to tell when the nectarines were sweet and ripe.

“The ones with blemishes and freckles are the sweetest. The prettiest ones aren’t as good.”

I looked at them both and said, “Just like men.”

You’ve been dating a special guy for a while and have had several sexual romps. But you find yourself less than satisfied, even though you’ve giving lots of feedback on what’s working for you when you’re in the act.

Rather than declaring that you’re sexually incompatible, you decide to see if you can discuss adjustments before you get naked together again.

This is not an easy conversation to start, as most people are pretty sensitive about their sexual prowess. No one likes to hear that their special moves aren’t doing it for you, yet if you don’t speak up there’s no chance anything will change.

So how do you broach this sensitive topic?

When you first start seeing someone, what do you call it? Hanging out? “Seeing each other?” Dating? If you’re just going to coffee, on hikes, or to the movies, is that really dating? Especially if one or both of you are meeting other people?

When you first start being sexual with a new sweetie, you likely have sex nearly every time you see each other. Depending on your mutual libido, that could be several times a day! In the beginning, you may have sleep overs a few times a week.

But what if you go on a trip together and are staying in the same room? You can end up spending a lot of time in the sack, even if you have other excursions in mind. The intimacy is so delicious you don’t want to uncouple. You may spend all day — or days — only getting up when room service arrives or for other physical needs.

Any mature person knows that to keep a relationship humming, it takes some work. Even if you get along fabulously, usually there are a few hiccups that need negotiating. My ex and I started going to a counselor a few years into our relationship as I wanted a safe place we could work out any hiccups. I equated it to a high-performing car needing more care to keep it running at its best.

A gal pal recently ended a 6-month live-in relationship because her beau didn’t want to work on making the relationship better. He was fine with it as it was and didn’t see any need to improve anything.

When we were younger, we might have been more nonchalant about sex. We progressed — often rapidly — from passionate kissing to petting to sex. Sometimes in a matter of minutes.

Rarely — if ever — would we discuss beforehand our needs and desires. During sex we may have expressed what we wanted or liked, but it was uncommon to stop the action to ask about STDs, birth control, etc.

I’ve become friendly with my local street fruit vendor because he is friendly and has an easy smile. Despite our limited facility with each other’s language — my Spanish stopped in high school — we make an effort to communicate. When I wanted to buy only one basket of strawberries instead of 3, I struggled to learn “canasita” — the correct term for little basket — rather than my lame, made up version, “basketa.” He patiently reminded me every time I struggled.

I loathe the term “cougar” and would never initiate a relationship with a much-younger man. When I’ve dated men 1-10 years younger they all initiated the contact. Generally, I’m not drawn to younger men as the ones I’ve been around don’t have the emotional maturity, world experience, or gravitas that I find alluring. Not that a great many of the ones my age do either, but it seems more pronounced in those younger than a year or two.

So when a man 19 years younger contacted me, I tried to politely dissuade him. But he was persuasive and persistent. I thought, “What the heck. Let’s see where this goes.”

Some people enter the dating pool after having ended a relationship because of cheating. Some have been cheated on multiple times, by the same person or with several lovers. I’ve only been cheated on once (that I know of) and that experience was devastating. I can’t imagine how debilitating it would feel to be cheated on multiple times.

Last week, a 43-year-old woman called into a radio show where I was the guest. She shared her sad tale. She’s left her husband because he’d cheated on her with multiple women. A while later, she met a wonderful man who got along well with her only child, a teenaged daughter. They dated for a few years and got engaged. She was so happy that they’d be a family.

This was the first question asked by the radio host in a recent interview.

I paused to consider my answer.