Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Real deal or faux beau

  • He’s broken up with you — he just didn’t tell you

    My guy pals have told me that men are emotional cowards. They’d rather walk barefoot over broken glass than do something that would make a woman cry. Thus their preference for going poof rather than tell you they have changed their mind.

    A year ago I was interviewed by the Wall Street Journal for a story about how younger people learn their sweetie has broken up with them by their partner changing their Facebook relationship status to “single,” or by a text message. I thought that was immature. Midlife people didn’t do this kind of cowardly thing, did they?

    Today I learned that King Charming has broken up with me. Did he tell me? No. In fact, in an hour-long IM two days ago he said, “I did not contact you nor meet you with the intention of our sharing a short-lived transient relationship. I am one who likes things to last for a very long time…. Candid with you I will always try to be….”

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  • Has Greg Behrendt done women a disservice?

    He’s Just Not that Into YouYou may know that Greg Behrendt is the more visible co-author, with Liz Tuccillo, of the wildly popular advice book for women, He’s Just Not That Into You. In it they tell us, among other things, that if a man you’re dating doesn’t call you at least once a day, he’s just — you guessed it — not that into you.

    Additionally, if a man’s not asking to see you at least once a week, he’s not that drawn to you, as other things are taking his focus.

    If you believe the book — as I have in the past — you have used how frequently a man contacts you to determine how into you he is. If he doesn’t call, text, IM or email at least every couple of days, nor ask me out at least once a week — ideally by Wed. (a la The Rules), I’ve decided he’s not into me and continue dating other guys.

    There are several problems with this premise:

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  • He doesn’t introduce you to his adult kids

    DG reader Carol asks:

    I’m a single woman with three grown children, ages 26, 24, and 19, all on their own. I’ve been dating a man for eight months who has two adult sons, ages 37 and 35. He is fearful of introducing them to me, although he’s met my children (and liked them), friends, and we are now planning a trip to my brother’s home. I really love him, but am concerned that he will continue to hide our relationship — one son knows he is dating, but not my name or anything about me. How could I support him in introducing us, and after a year, should I write him off if he’s taken no action?

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  • When his hand is on your knee too soon

    hand on kneeDG reader Toni asks:

    I just had a second date with a man who, during the show, put his hand on my leg. I removed it. To me that is way more intimate than holding hands or a hug is — the kind of intimate “owning” thing that a serious other does — not someone I don’t know at all.

    This has happened to me on the first date! On one level, you could be flattered that he felt so comfortable with and attracted to you he behaved as if you’ve been dating longer. Or you could be incensed that he was so presumptuous and ungentlemanly that he would think this was okay.

    Yes, most of us would be in the second camp.

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  • Does he fit in your world?

    jigsaw pieceFor a relationship to work long term, I believe it’s important that you are able to fit into each other’s world. Not that you have to live parallel lives with the same profession, income, hobbies, etc.

    But is important that you can easily slip into each other’s activities, gracefully converse with the other’s counterparts and dress appropriately for the occasion.

    This seems common sense, I know. And you’d think that if you are drawn to a man he would automatically fit into your world. However, I can tell you from experience that just because you get along well with him, it doesn’t mean he will meld with your friends and/or colleagues.

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  • Becoming besotted

    Are you easily beguiled? Do you wear your heart on your sleeve? Are you prone to become prematurely smitten?

    Or are you more cautious, perhaps bordering on detached, especially early on in dating someone? You keep your heart sheltered for as long as possible? Then you either succumb to being moonstruck or lose interest as there’s no heart connection?

    I work to strike a balance knowing that most people are on their best behavior in the first few dates so I like to be a balance of engaged and detached. But once in a great while I’ll meet a guy who I go over the moon for quickly. Wham! He seems like the real deal. But so far, those have rarely lasted a month. The love-comet burns out quickly.

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  • Working through the hiccups

    hiccupIn every relationship, no matter how great, there are some hiccups: occasional miscommunication, unmet expectations, hurt and/or disappointment.

    The test for any couple is how these hiccups are dealt with. Even a budding relationship has missteps as you get to know each other’s patterns, preferences and perspectives. It’s like dancing with a new partner — there will be some unintentional stepping on toes.

    If you are unhappy about something the guy you’re seeing does, do you let him know gently but clearly? Or do you keep it to yourself? Do you take one instance as an indicator of a pattern and surmise it is a portent of bigger issues? Or do you give him a little slack and share with him that you’d prefer something different?

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  • Pros and cons of expectations

    I once read a quote, “The source of all disappointment is unmet expectations.” Perhaps unmet hope fits in there too, since all hope isn’t an expectation.

    In the beginning — and sometimes past beginning — of a relationship there are unspoken expectations on both sides. You expect he’ll treat you with respect, honor your spoken boundaries, make contact frequently and see you regularly.

    But what if his expectations of a budding relationship are different? Perhaps “contacting you frequently” for him is every few days and you expect at least once a day? Or “see you regularly” to him means once a week when you’d like at least two times or more? And perhaps he expects intimacy after the third date and you are thinking the third month.

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  • Is your guy’s loving muscle strong?

    bicep flexI’m talking about his willingness and ability to regularly show caring, affection and love, whether to you or others.

    I’ve noticed that men I’m dating who are used to showing their love to their parents, children, friends, church members, etc., are more able to express their love to me. They are unembarrassed about conveying their caring. They have developed a habit of communicating their affection either through touch, acts of thoughtfulness, or verbalizing their feelings.

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  • Are you buff buddies?

    buff femaleYou love working out. You are proud of your taut, fit body. You feel poorly if you don’t exercise for a day. You have made this a priority in your life.

    How do you feel if you have a coffee date with someone who may not share your zest for exercise? Do you dismiss him summarily, even if he has a viable excuse like a recent injury or surgery? Perhaps he’s not obese, but clearly isn’t an exercise fiend. Do you bid him adieu, or give him a little slack, thinking you can include hikes, walks, dancing and other physical activities in future dates to help him get in shape?
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  • Does “settling down” mean “settling”?

    “You’ve dated a lot of men now. You’ve been seeing a terrific guy. Why don’t you just decide to focus on him and settle down?” My friend was concerned with my playing the field and thought I would be better off just choosing one man on whom to focus.

    “But if I know he’s not yet lighting my fire, aren’t I settling? I want to be excited by my man. I like this man a lot; we have a lot in common. I’m glad when I know I’m going to see him, but not excited.”

    “Then why do you still see him?”

    “I’m testing the theory that you can become more excited about a guy after you get to know him well. Some say it’s true. I haven’t experienced that before. He’s too good a guy to not at least give it a try.

    “We have both stated that we’re not yet in love. We are building a foundation of friendship. So I wonder at what point do we say, ‘We gave it a good run. We’re both very fond of each other. But neither of us has fallen in love. So we should declare we are really good friend material.’”

    “I just hate to see you go up and down the emotional roller coaster. It must be exhausting.”

    “Actually, it can be occasionally, but generally the roller coaster is pretty sedate. Once in a great while I’ll get my hopes up then watch them get dashed. But luckily that’s pretty few and far between. I guess I’m becoming a better man picker, even if I haven’t figured out the formula for a picking a great guy for me. At least I don’t find myself with many drama kings.”

    So what do you think about settling down with — and settling for — someone who doesn’t excite you but has many, many, many wonderful qualities? Would you give it a go and see if you could find a way to get your motor revving when with him? We know that too much sexual energy can mask glaring personality flaws. What about medium energy on your side, but high on his?

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