Posted inDating after 40

My online dating research

I’d read data that said 50% of men listed on dating sites never get one contact from women.

Yet my experience is that men rarely respond to my being the one who makes the initial contact, or for the few who do, it’s nearly all “thanks but no thanks.”

So I decided to set up an experiment. Granted, it’s not very scientific, as I only posted one profile and set of pictures. Had I been more scientific, I would have posted various ones to see if it was my looks or writing that was alluring or repelling.

For the last 3 months, I’ve regularly emailed men I thought had some chance of being a match. The results are dismal.

Posted inDating after 40

Dating in the time of narcissism

I like to think of myself as a generally positive person, but I have my pet peeves. Self-absorption is one of them, although I’m guessing I can act in ways that seem self-centered to others.

Over the last few years, I’ve noticed others acting in ways that seem narcissistic. The visitors to the church next to my house who park extending two feet into my driveway. The woman at exercise class who put her bag on top of mine along the wall, meaning I would have to move it when I needed to get my weights out, when there was plenty of other space available for her to put her bag.

However, it’s in the dating world that this self-focus can be glaring. In the span of a week, two men who have shown interest in me have committed what I consider egregious acts of selfish behaviors.

Posted inDating after 40 Dating chemistry First-rate first dates

Playgirl glory

It took five months of occasional email exchanges to finally meet. It was worth the wait.

Why so long? He had been traveling the world for a non-profit project he founded. He was in the States infrequently during the past year, and even more rarely at his home in my area.

As part of getting to know each other, he sent me a link to his project’s Web site where I learned more about him. Armed with his unique full name, it was easy to Google him.

PlaygirlThrough this sleuthing I uncovered that he had been not only a Marine fighter pilot — but also a Playgirl “Real Man of the Month!” Granted, that was nearly three decades ago. During our first phone conversation, I commented on his Web page. He said laughingly, “If you get me drunk enough I’ll tell you some stories that I couldn’t put on the page.”

“Will that include the Playgirl story?” I asked playfully.

Posted inDating after 40 Dating chemistry First-rate first dates

“I’m a nerd!”

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So said the professor with a Ph.D. and several masters degrees. My Google search revealed a page (not written by him) that called him “a famed professor” in his area of study. Other sites also lauded him. So I thought perhaps he was being modest when saying he was a nerd as he pursued me by sweet, thoughtful emails and phone calls.

His initial email said he was from out of state — 2000 miles away — but was planning to relocate to my area. I am a sucker for a man with good writing skills, so I responded and soon a vigorous email and phone conversation was launched.

UrkelWhen I met him a week after his first email, I saw that he was telling the truth. Can you imagine a 56-year-old Steve Urkel? I’m afraid the similarities were scary. Instead of hiked-up pants, he wore an ill-fitting patterned jacket with clashing shirt. His hunched shoulders suggested a form of osteoporosis or some other back malady. But as I stood straighter, so did he, so it seemed more habit than affliction.

He had braces, which seemed to be helping pull in his buck teeth and closing the gap of several missing ones. This also explained, in part, his lisp. His amblyopia, or lazy eye, kept me guessing which eye to address.

Posted inDating after 40 Multidating responsibly

Beware of multitasking when multidating

When friends learn I have sometimes dated multiple men simultaneously, they ask how I am able to do so.

Logistically, I keep notes in my Date-A-Base, logging facts like children (names, ages, locations), parents (living or not, location), marriage/LTRs (how long, how long ago), where he grew up, went to school, or important jobs or locations. Also, if he reveals deeper feelings, fears or concerns, I log that. But I’m better at remembering those conversations than facts and figures.

I can go from a conversation with one man to another pretty easily. It makes me realize how quickly we vilify those who date around, saying “How could he take one woman out to dinner one night and another the next?” We call these people “players” even if there is no purposeful behavior to lead one to believe you are committed to them.

I now understand how men — who we stereotypically think of when we think of multidating — can go from woman to woman in a short period of time. Compartmentalizing is not that hard. I’ve been known to carry on two IM conversations simultaneously and not miss a beat. Or have lunch with one guy and dinner with another on the same day.

Posted inDating after 40 Moving on graciously

Prince Considerate breaks up — considerately

After dinner and a nice stroll, we settled back in my house for a DVD. But before we could get started, he pulled me to his lap and put his arms around me.

“This is a very hard thing, but I need to say it. I don’t know why, but I’m not finding myself falling in love with you.”

He’d mentioned this a few weeks before, so it wasn’t news. We’d both felt similarly, but knew the other person had a lot of terrific characteristics so thought we should give it a bit more time.