Dating-over-40 advice by the Dating Goddess™
He is smart, funny, charming, good looking, worldly, educated, successful, a sharp dresser, good listener and conversationalist. He tells you what you long to hear. He is vulnerable with you and you with him. His kisses and caresses make you feel what you haven’t felt in a long, long time. He tells you how sexy and adorable you are, and how much he misses being with you.
You met through business, not online, so you know he’s not a player.
Yet there are things about him that on paper would be deal breakers.
I dated a sweet man who grew up in an African village. He came to the US at age 19 to go to school.
I loved hearing his stories of growing up in his village, living in mud huts, bathing in the nearby river, gathering water from a pond, making fire from sticks and moss, walking miles to sell eggs and chickens at the market, and other examples of a life I couldn’t imagine. He regaled me with his tribe’s welcome-to-manhood ceremony and other rites of passage.
The phrase “keeping it 100” comes from “keeping it 100% real,” meaning being 100% honest. It’s shorthand for no BS, don’t tell me what you think I want to hear, tell me the unvarnished truth. Don’t hold back.
I decided to try this with a man while we were exploring going from pals to more. His life is complicated right now, uncoupling from a long-term relationship. I wanted to understand his emotional state, goals and desires. I needed to determine if it made sense to become closer during this challenging time, or whether it would be best for all if we stayed pals and revisited becoming romantic after he was fully unencumbered.
A man may enter your life who does not hold the work title or financial status you are seeking. But he’s a good man. He is honest, has integrity, treats you respectfully, listens to you, and is accommodating to your desires.
The “what” is his profession. The “who” is his character, values and behavior.
It’s commonly said that women try to change their man into someone more to their ideal. Men, however, are afraid women will change, as they like what they have.
Not that a man can’t wish a woman was a better cook, was more punctual, neater, or had other habits he liked. But (generally) he won’t hound her, unlike women (generally).
My experience is men won’t tell you when they are fully accepting of who you are, warts and all.
Metro — as in metrosexual. According to Dictionary.com metrosexual, or metro, describes “a heterosexual male who has a strong aesthetic sense and inordinate interest in appearance and style, similar to that of homosexual males.”
UrbanDictionary.com includes the following description: “Mint (great) guys who are SNAGs (Sensitive New Age Guys) and follow the following rules:
A man has been wooing me the last 6 weeks, first via email while I was abroad, then during daily phone calls, emails and/or text messages.
We haven’t met, however, because 3 days after I returned home, he was called to his dying mother’s side 2000 miles away. While the doctors told him she only had a few days to live, she lived two weeks, only passing the other day. This week he’s finishing her burial plans and awaiting the rest of the family’s arrival for her funeral next weekend.
DG reader PC wrote:
I enjoy your columns on LifeTwo.com.
What do you do if it is obvious in the first 5 minutes that there is not a fit? Do you sludge through the evening or cut your losses early? I don’t mean to be cruel but sometimes it seems to be worse to lead the person on.
Sometimes profound advice and insights can come from unlikely places.
Recently, I breakfasted in the Atlanta Crowne Plaza Hotel executive lounge. Addice, the attending concierge, conversed with me while I ate. She was a twenty-something, slender, attractive black woman from Ethiopia. Not having much opportunity to interact with Ethiopians — at least beyond the occasional cab driver — I asked about her homeland.
She was from a middle-class village and came to the US for college. While she liked living in the US, she said she missed home. I asked, “What do you miss about home?” Expecting she’d say her family and friends, I was surprised by her answer.
Cindy Lu has written a funny — albeit gutter-language-laden — book about systematically classifying the men you date. So if you don’t like to read language you’d hear in most comedy clubs, you’d best pass on this one. She is an actress and stand-up comedian, which is where this book got its start.
She lays out a plan to always have at least four men in the dating hopper. However, her mathematical formula for how to count each man (some are 1/4 men, others 1/2 men) is convoluted. I never caught on, and I won awards in math in school! (Nearly all knowledge of math is now forgotten due to under use.)
What I like about her philosophy is that she encourages you to juggle more than one man so you won’t be in the position to stick with a guy just because he’s the only one around. When you have more than one to choose from you don’t do those silly things we do when we’re desperate — like sleep with a guy we barely know just because we want some attention or affection.
This can be a difficult time of year for those who don’t have a main squeeze. And if you’ve just begun to date someone, Valentine’s Day can be awkward, as you aren’t yet each other’s valentine. So what to do?
Last year, in “Dateless for Valentine’s?” I discussed how you can show yourself you’re loved. So let’s take the second scenario — you have just begun dating someone, but it would seem forced to pretend to be all lovey-dovey just because of this holiday focused on love.
You love working out. You are proud of your taut, fit body. You feel poorly if you don’t exercise for a day. You have made this a priority in your life.
How do you feel if you have a coffee date with someone who may not share your zest for exercise? Do you dismiss him summarily, even if he has a viable excuse like a recent injury or surgery? Perhaps he’s not obese, but clearly isn’t an exercise fiend. Do you bid him adieu, or give him a little slack, thinking you can include hikes, walks, dancing and other physical activities in future dates to help him get in shape?
While a month away can seem like a long time, it doesn’t when you’re in it. In fact, time took on a surrealism that I don’t experience when I am in the US. Because everything was so new and different — especially in India — every day seemed full. Cities we’d visited just days ago felt like a week ago, and those from last week seemed like a month. I love that feeling because it means I am very present, more so than at home. I take in all the sights and smells because they are unusual. At home there aren’t cows and camels and elephants in the streets. There aren’t women clad in bright-colored, sparkly saris.
I came back appreciating everything I saw and experienced, especially the kind, fun people who I encountered. Nearly everyone was nice, even when they didn’t want a tip or for me to buy something from them. And after India, I appreciated Singapore all the more, with its pristine streets and subway, drinkable water, and 24/7 electricity. Which made me appreciate the same things when I returned home.
While I’m traveling this month, some of my dating/relationship blogger pals have agreed to step in. Today our guest blogger is the author of the syndicated “Male Call, Advice From a Guy” column — and my pal.
Anonymous: I’m not sure there’s an answer to this, but why do guys always try to be so logical? I get frustrated with my husband sometimes because he can’t seem to just enjoy an experience, he has to try to explain or dissect it. What’s with that?!
The Singapore Sling is a drink originated at the Raffles Hotel. Now if you want one there in a reproduction of the original bar, it will set you back $13US ($21 Singapore). It is a fruity, sweet drink that some find cloying.
Singapore works
I am continually amazed at how well things in Singapore work. Every detail seems to be thought through. Granted, some seem a bit over regulated, but the rules are for the good of all.
[googmonify]8790107066:right:120:600[/googmonify]While I’m traveling this month, some of my dating/relationship blogger pals have agreed to step in. Today our guest blogger is Jeff Mac, of Manslations fame.
Manslations reader Loiralei, has another of her patented “short, sweet, and potent” reader requests. This time? So….ummm…how soon can we DO IT? She writes:
How many dates should you go on with a man before you actually have sex with him for the first time without appearing to be a lady of easy virtue in a man’s eyes?
Dear Loiralei,
